Author Archives: hafong

Unknown's avatar

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

ON TRACK

Posted on by
1

I’m still on track. My dining table is still clear. I know it’s only a few days into September. I should not be crowing success yet but it does cheer me. I will use whatever tools that will help. Getting up, dressing up and showing up every day works. I’m feeling more positive and energized. I wasn’t that way when I woke at 6 this morning. It was still dark. I was stiff and feeling yucky, for lack of a better word. I do not want to stay in this world of yucks. That’s my reason for embarking on my year of inquiry into everything.

I inquire of myself: Is it true? Do I really feel yucky? I tried to sink into that feeling. Then I asked how I would feel if I didn’t believe in that thought. I tell myself my body was just in the motion of waking and warming up. It’s not sick. It’s not depressed. Somehow the questions lifted some of the nauseous heaviness. Yes, nauseous was how yucky felt. At least I’ve identified it.

How are you on rising? Are you one who rises smiling and shining? You are indeed lucky if you are. However, I now believe that I can choose how I feel. I’ve given much lip service to the adage fake it till you make it. Now I’m doing it. If I practice an action enough, it will become a habit. Granted that I am but human, I know I will not be successful all the time. For one thing, it is not always appropriate. Nobody can or should smile and shine in times of a catastrophe or grief. But I can try to be a more positive and silent person. I don’t have to whine so much.

How was your day? My day turned out pretty well after all. The sun was out at 7 am. I took time to drink in all its delight. I let it infuse me with its light. It warmed and soothed my sore spots. It set the tone for the rest of the day. My step was lighter as I left the house for my exercise class. I worked a little harder, stretching a little more to reach that unreachable star. This is my quest. One should always have dreams. And I do.

 

 

 

 

O IS FOR OPTIMISM

Posted on by
Reply

I’m a little late in getting up and dressing up today. I lingered a little longer over Sue Grafton’s G is for Gumshoe this morning. I had trouble putting it down. I love the book cover. I love the character, Kinsey Millhone. I fewl happy and secure in tagging along with her. I’m practicing discipline so I put it down. I went downstairs and hung up the laundry. Then I painted my index card for the 365 Something 2018 Challenge. I was in danger of abandoning it. I had given up on it for a little while. It’s that discipline thing. I completed day 179 this morning.

Then I had trouble wanting to fold up the dried linen. I stood there looking at it. There’s no use trying to understanding it. There’s no need in understanding it. I just have to do it and put it all away. And so I did. I know I am not the only person with such feelings. I can hear different conversations in my memory.

“I don’t know why I don’t do it. I have the things for it. But I don’t do it. I don’t know why. I know I should do it but I don’t.” 

I can hear myself offering advice and suggestions of “Why don’t you try this? Why don’t you try that?”  I was never successful. Nobody ever took my advice/suggestions. I was left feeling pissed off most of the time. Now I’m seeing I’m as guilty as they are but I DO try. I have trouble with keeping it up.

collage

Yesterday, I talked about metamorphosis. It’s only later that I realize it is kind of retarded for me to talk about it at my age. Do I have time left to morph? I am no spring chicken as they say. I am on a pension for crying out loud. I must be somewhat retarded. My head is still stuck in youth. I’m still thinking about when I grow up. I guess it is not a bad thing. I still have optimism. I have hope. I am still looking forward.

Today I am not quite as sleepy. The sun is out. Most of my ‘must dos’ are done. The rest of the day is just gravy/groovy.

METAMORPHOSIS

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve gotten up, dressed up and here I am with my cup of tea. My fingers are not cooperating. They’re a little stiff. I open and close my hands. Not too bad. They’ve been worse. But I can see that there will be no magic today. It will be hard work. It was like that yesterday with my desk. I had to work at it to sort and clear. It’s not perfect but I have some space with no dust.  My cleared dining table from yesterday is still clear. A miracle.

I will take what magic that comes my way. Yesterday I was contemplating about the mystery of my body and chemistry. This morning, A Year of Inquiry showed up on my Facebook page. Talk about synchronicity! It’s based on the works of Byron Katie. I’m a self help junkie. If I don’t help myself, who will? I don’t wait to be rescued. I like to learn and do my own research. The live and online workshops are a little pricey for me at $2,000 – $3,000. Eeek! No doubt they will be worth it as it is a year long. But I think making my own inquiry is more valuable. I’ve been listening to other people on how to be for too long.

These 4 questions from The Works are good starting points. I will see how it goes.

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

It is intriguing to think about who I would/could be without all my possibly erroneous thoughts. I could be a whole new person. I could have a whole new life. Would I want that? What would it hurt. I have an inquiring mind. I am retired. It would give me a job. It would be a worthwhile effort. I can feel the excitement even through my sleepiness.

Yes, I still have it – sleepiness. I did get my 8 hours in. I’m still keen on fooling my body out of it. I did my ‘must do’ things in the morning. Now it is after lunch. The dishes are soaking. My eyes are drooping. I must get them out of the way. Soon it will be Sheba’s supper time and her walk. I’m glad we’ve had this time here. I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, I will keep plugging away at my desk and other stuff. Maybe I will be rewarded with a bit of magic again.

MY DISCIPLINE BACKBONE

Posted on by
Reply

Discipline is what I don’t have. I’m disappointed with myself. Even after all this time, being aware of it, I still fall off the wagon. I succumb to what comes easiest – vegetating. I fool myself by being busy. So how can I be busy and vegetate at the same time? By definition, vegetate means: live or spend a period of time in a dull, inactive, unchallenging way. 

This is probably not a good time to talk about meaningful living. I feel dull as a mollusk in its shell though I have been in a flurry of activities moments ago. I shamed myself into sweeping the floors of Sheba’s hair and clearing my ever-cluttered dining table. I wiped it and put on a table cloth. Let’s see how long it will stay cleared. Oh yes, I lured Sheba out to the deck with a chew to brush out her shedding hair. Sometimes I wish she had alopecia.

Here I am, showing up again two days in a row. I’m trying to sprout my discipline backbone again. I’m sipping a decaf, trying to tap out my therapy session, urging myself forward. It’s still morning, a little before noon. I can feel my eyeballs wanting to roll to the back of my head. They want to close. I won’t let them. It’s really a mystery, a fascinating one the way my body and chemistry work. I will pay close attention and see if I can outwit it. Didn’t they say that I am the captain of my ship?

So far, so good. My coffee is done. I am going to see if I can do some magic on my desk now. I’ll try to let you know tomorrow if I can trick myself.

PULLING UP MY BOOTSTRAPS

Posted on by
2

September 1st. A new month, a new season, a new beginning. There’s hope in the word. Beginnings hold so much promise. Let me not foil it.  Let me be renewed and have a spark at least. I’ve been experiencing sleepiness these last few weeks even though I’m getting 8-9 hours of zzzs. Thank goodness that my dark mood and thoughts have passed. Otherwise, what would I do with myself? I guess I could sleep it off. Laughing not quite out loud.

Are you affected by the weather and changing seasons? I like to think I am. I hate to think that I am making excuses for myself. I hate to think that this is the real me. In my younger days I blame PMS. Well, who wants to own up to the not so attractive attributes? If I can’t shuffle them or laugh them off, can I sweep them under the carpet? Huh, can I?

 

I haven’t experienced SAD this early before. But then it’s been a stormy summer weather wise. So much fluctuation in one season. It’s still officially summer. Autumn doesn’t start till September 22. It’s not a new season yet. I have an excuse for not pulling up my bootstraps yet. Hooray!

Besides my sleepiness, I’m more forgetful, too. Needless to say, my energy sags. My inspirations have evaporated. I’ve lost ambitions for painting, writing, etc. I yearn for sleep. But I am paying heed – to keep abreast of my bills, to double check what writing I do. Sometimes I’m thinking of one thing and my fingers tap out another. When I read it back, I’m thinking: What am I talking about?? It makes my head hurt. My eyes want to close. I am so glad I got the lunch dishes done. I can put my feet up again and snooze.

 

 

# ENCOURAGER SOCIETY

Posted on by
Reply

I’m finally here to see if I can impart some thought, some wee bit of wisdom. Mostly I’m here to tap myself well. It’s not that I am ill or anything.  I am languishing too much. I’ve let go of the glue that binds me. I want to stem the flow before all my goodness is gone. Lately, all that I can feel is the acridness of life. Can it seep into me from the forest fire smokes? It’s not a nice feeling. I want to curl my lips at everything. Sarcasm and cynicism course through me. Where happened to my annoying Pollyanna attitude? I want it back. I miss it.

Life is strange. I feel strange. It’s difficult to find kindred souls to hash it out. It’s not that I am afraid to talk. On the contrary. I tend to talk too much – but not to the right people. It’s gets me into trouble sometimes. The right ones are seldom visible. Not many are brave or generous enough to share face to face. I am happy to find a group of young and not so young women on social media who can and does talk about their experiences and feelings. They tag their posts with #encouragersociety. Bravo to them.

I don’t think it’s all about bravery or generosity that prevents people from talking and sharing. It also takes an enormous amount of energy. It does for me – to be present here and tapping out my words. I have this huge feeling of sleepiness. I would much rather lay on the couch with my tea and read my book. I would really like to just sit and close my eyes, not thinking or doing. It’s taking me two days to write this post. Finish today, I must.

I am sure that the approaching autumn and the shortening of days are affecting me. I am not usually bubbling over with energy or glee. That is not my natural self but I’m usually more alive than this. While I don’t think I am totally glum, I really have to work at feeling joy. I have to dig into self-help books. It makes me feel not so alone or weird to hear another express it on Instagram. On top of that she encourage others to keep on, that they’re doing great. Yes, encouraging each other helps alot. It helps to be reminded that we have a tricky brain. Everything passes. So carry on and pass it on. Light each other’s torch.

Mission accomplished. I can go back to my book. An easy read by Joy Fielding – The Bad Daughter. Ironically the main character is a therapist who gets bad anxiety attacks. Not very good reviews but it is easy reading. Works for my malfunctioning brain.

 

 

 

LIFE IS HARD – JUST DO IT

Posted on by
Reply

When the spirit doesn’t move me, I have to work hard at everything. I worked hard to get here, in the chair, in front of the keyboard and onto the page. I feel ravaged by inertia and sleeping sickness. I have often wondered at this condition. Why is it so difficult? Through this fog, I do have awareness of wants and ambitions. But why is it so hard to even bend down and pick up a piece of paper off the floor? There are no logical answers to this malady. I’m trying to suck it up and tell myself JUST DO IT. Sometimes it works.

Ah, the sun has decided to come out. Can you believe it is cold today? I turned on the furnace this morning even if it is still August. No point in shivering and suffering. I know, it was only a couple of weeks ago, it was 38 degrees Celsius. I didn’t turn on the AC. Sheba and I kept cool in the basement. I saved then so I can splurge today. I set the thermostat at 68 degrees Fahrenheit. Hardly overheating. Just enough to keep my teeth from chattering.

I’m probably being hard on myself again. After all, didn’t I go to my morning exercise class yesterday? Only 3 of us showed up. I really didn’t feel like going. I put on my gear right after breakfast to make it more likely. Then there’s my motto, I don’t have to like it. It’s the time I most need exercise. I was happy that I showed up. I put in a concerted effort to make up for my absent classmates. I worked up a good sweat and hopefully burnt off lots of calories.

I’ve been experiencing a few heebie jeebies lately. Do you get them? It feels as if someone is walking over my grave. I haven’t had them for quite awhile. I’ve forgotten about them. They’re a reminder that it is late August. They days are getting shorter. The light is changing. I’m a very weather sensitive person. Even if it is a cloudy day, I do feel better outside. It is as if something is lifted off me when I step out the door. Even though it wasn’t an inviting thought, I took Sheba to the off-leash dog park yesterday. I knew exercise and outdoor light would sooth away the heebie jeebies.

Now I must go and attend to my bills. I have been negligent this month. The result was $40 interest on my charge card. It’s enough incentive for me to buckle up and pull up my socks and do what I have to do. HBS – Heavy big sigh.

 

IN SILENCE AND STILLNESS

Posted on by
2

How was your day? Mine’s just fine. It’s sunny and hot – 30 degrees Celsius. By now I’m acclimatized. It feels quite comfortable. The skies are clear, almost blue. No smell of smoke in the air though the fires continue to burn in British Columbia. Out of sight. Not quite out of mind but I’m feeling fine. Most recent mornings, I’m imperceptibly on the verge of tumbling over the edge. But I do have a choice on how I feel to a certain extent.

I do not want to fall into the dark abyss. I pull myself back from the edge onto firm safe ground. Even if I’m not exactly jubilant, I can be at ease. I don’t have to be bubbling over with good cheer. I’m not that way normally. So why fake it? I try to make a habit of putting some efforts to start the day consciously – in my demeanor and speech. Sometimes Most of the time I’m lazy and everything is a reaction, not a response. It’s a sure way of getting into trouble.

I’ll see how this change will work for me. So many things to think of. I wouldn’t have thought that life could be this strenuous. It never lets up nor would I want it to. It gives meaning having to work at it constantly. It gives meaning to the phrase ‘asleep at the wheel’. I have nodded off now and again. I guess that’s how things work. The momentum is ever changing. Nothing stays the same. What goes up must come down.

It’s been a glorious day. The first day in a long while that I could sit out in my special space. No extreme heat nor smoke to mar it. The dog and I took advantage to just sit/lay back and enjoy the moment in silence and stillness. There’s no need for noise. We hope you enjoy your day, too.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS AND SQUASHES

Posted on by
Reply

No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up has been my mantra for a couple of years now. Getting up and dressing up are not difficult any more. However, showing up is. The more I don’t make a showing, the harder it is to do so. Blue skies are here again but my blues haven’t quite lifted. Maybe they never will completely. Maybe I should not obsesse about my moods so much. I should live and let live.

Easier said than done. Everything takes a huge amount of effort and energy. At least I find it so. Each night I go to bed thinking of all the things I want to do the next day. With each morning, I fall into ‘after my cup of tea, breakfast, read this and that’. Then I will begin. Before I know it, it is almost lunch time and I have to bring out the pots and pans. I go on the same merry-go-round – again. Does this sound familiar?

I’m living Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. I am ashamed of myself. I am not living up to my expectations and certainly not my potential. But at least I am showing up here today. I am trying. I’ve gotten over my bluer than blue mood. I am not so overwhelmed with grief for our burning planet. I am just being with the awareness, accepting and going forward with my best foot forward.

I try to count my blessings. I am taking an inventory of our garden and harvest. Considering the extremes and weirdness of our summer, we’ve done well.  Even with the heat and lack of rain the garden have given me 11 spaghetti and 10 butternut squashes and tons of Swedish beans. Isn’t that amazing? Considering I had a summer cold for a month, I was able to put in a full garden. True not everything did as well as the squashes and beans. But there was lettuce and spinach for salads. We had broccoli for a few meals, and enough snow peas for stir fries. Enough kohlrabi to make up for not so many tomatoes. Then there’s the chili peppers and……..

I’m rambling on and on. The sentences running into each other. The grammar something else. The words might not be making sense. I better call it quits. Till tomorrow then.

REFLECTIONS OF

Posted on by
1

I’ve given myself a good shake to come back to this space. Though disheartened and disillusioned, I still believe in my mantra. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. So here I am, in front of the keyboard, with my cup of tea, doing my tap dance. I do so love the sound of the dancing keys. I love seeing the letters, words and sentences march across the page. I love both the song and the dance. May I have this dance with you? Will you stay with me as we waltz around the page, exchanging thoughts and ideas?

Perhaps today is not a good time for reflection. It is difficult to see clearly. We are covered with smoke from the fires burning in British Columbia. The province has declared a state of emergency with close to 600 fires burning. If I am finding my world dark and smoky 2 provinces away, I can’t imagine what it is like there or in Alberta. For that, I am grateful. Still, it is difficult to think that we can carry on as usual. Our sky is broken. Our air is acrid. Our planet is in danger. We are living in climate change. That is quite clear now.

So – I’ve got my lament off my chest. Let me try to move on, if only with one-foot-in-front-of-the- other speed. I had such hopes this morning of ‘getting things done’. It is Saturday, my favourite day of the week. However, it didn’t take long before I was marooned in my emotions. What can I do? This is me. Can I unbecome myself? It’s best that I feel all that is in me, good and bad. Now I’m ready to come out the other side.

We went for our walk, Sheba and I, in the smoky haze. It was still good to get out. We encountered 2 other furballs, 13 years and 14 years old. Sheba is the 12 year old. They were all very well behaved. They wagged their tails in salute, gave a bark or two. Then we all moved on. A neighbour came out to tend her garden. She remarked that it was hard not to think that everything was coming to an end. We both agreed that there’s nothing we can do except to carry on.

Yup, the world looks a little surreal – a bit Stephen Kingish. We walked by the outdoor swimming pool. The water was oh so blue and pristine with the lanes roped. Empty – except I did spy a staff walking around the corner. There were cars in the parking lot but not a soul seen. Eerie. Get over it. Get on with it. I’m going. Gonna get on with my challenges and projects.