Discipline is what I don’t have. I’m disappointed with myself. Even after all this time, being aware of it, I still fall off the wagon. I succumb to what comes easiest – vegetating. I fool myself by being busy. So how can I be busy and vegetate at the same time? By definition, vegetate means: live or spend a period of time in a dull, inactive, unchallenging way.
This is probably not a good time to talk about meaningful living. I feel dull as a mollusk in its shell though I have been in a flurry of activities moments ago. I shamed myself into sweeping the floors of Sheba’s hair and clearing my ever-cluttered dining table. I wiped it and put on a table cloth. Let’s see how long it will stay cleared. Oh yes, I lured Sheba out to the deck with a chew to brush out her shedding hair. Sometimes I wish she had alopecia.
Here I am, showing up again two days in a row. I’m trying to sprout my discipline backbone again. I’m sipping a decaf, trying to tap out my therapy session, urging myself forward. It’s still morning, a little before noon. I can feel my eyeballs wanting to roll to the back of my head. They want to close. I won’t let them. It’s really a mystery, a fascinating one the way my body and chemistry work. I will pay close attention and see if I can outwit it. Didn’t they say that I am the captain of my ship?
So far, so good. My coffee is done. I am going to see if I can do some magic on my desk now. I’ll try to let you know tomorrow if I can trick myself.
It was Gene Siskel along with his colleague, Roger Ebert who asks the question, What do you know for sure? at the end of each show. I think it’s a good question to ask to start each day. What do I know for sure? It is Saturday morning. The air is fresh. It’s sunny and warm. The yard is lush with green foliage and the blues and purples of blooming petunias. I hear birds singing. I see them fly here and there.
I’m sitting on the deck with Sheba, drinking tea and tapping on the keyboard. I’m thinking about what is true and what is not. I’m thinking about where do I want to go for lunch. I’m thinking of how to be more flamboyant, what is fun and what makes me feel good.
What makes me feel good is getting an immediate ping back from the Universe. I am somewhat of a human laboratory. I am experimenting on the HOWS of pursuing excellence in living. Silence is a good tool. I still my brain from thinking, from forming an opinion, a judgement. Secrets reveal themselves. The answers are there for me to see. I silence my lips and let others speak. I hear everyone’s wisdom. I hear my own heart beat.
There are many things that I cannot control. Let me not waste time there. Let me not moan about what cannot be changed. Let me use my energy in the things I can. I can chart the course of my day, how I feel. I am captain of my ship. I can choose the direction I want to sail. I can choose from my own menu – the appetizer, the main course, dessert, the condiments. I do not have to stay in the storm. I can head for friendly waters and a safe haven.
Life is good. I have choices and options. This is what I know for sure today.
Day 45, September 5, 2016 @ 1:51 pm
The two hardest thing for me in life is getting things started and putting things away. But look at me. I’m here early! But before you give a hooray, let me tell you. I’m here because I’m putting off the dishes and cleaning up after lunch. I’m having a spot of tea. I would really like to just sit and sip my tea – and doze. But I’m re-training/re-inventing myself. This is my year long/life project. The reasons why:
- I felt dissatisfied with myself and the status quo
- Life was affecting my health
- I read a book called I Dare Me – about doing something different every day
- I want to see if by doing something different daily would affect the way I see, feel and handle life
- I had finished my 100 day project of doing art. The project was very helpful and I wanted to do another project.
How I started:
Since I was dissatisfied with myself, I started by enhancing my physical appearance. Since retirement, I have given up makeup totally. I have not bothered with jewellry for a long time. I stayed in my lounge clothes or wore sweats. So I started by brushing and styling my hair soon as I got up, applied my makeup, draw in my eyebrows and chose a pair of earrings. I had forgotten how many pairs I had! I started doing selfies on my iPhone. There’s a knack and practice does make for better. I asked friends on InstaGram for tips. After awhile, I stopped grimacing when I look at my selfies. I started to have FUN!
Things have evolved. One day, two days. Now I am on day 45. I do not have a plan on what ‘different’ is. Things just came up as the day comes. They are not necessarily big things. After all, isn’t there a saying that goes, Little things mean a lot? Sometimes the ‘different’ is changing how I feel – even if it’s for a moment.
Results for me?
Having a project have given me a rhythm to my day. Life is a worthwhile project. Changes come slowly but I have felt them. It has given me a sense of empowerment – I can change. I am the captain of my ship. I can steer it towards my own destiny.
My dishes and Sheba are calling me. Where is your ship heading? Till tomorrow.