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I hate it when my mind is stuck in overthoughts. I bet you’re thinking, why don’t you stop but it is not that easy to get my mind out of my head. I know. I’m whining again but I’m leaving it just on the page. You don’t have to listen/read. It helps me to splash it out and not let things swirl around in my head. It can be very exhausting. It takes all my energy and I get nothing done. I haven’t been meditating the last while. Let this time here be my morning meditation.

The morning has progressed into afternoon. My overthinking would not let the words flow. I moved on to the next best thing – doing my draw/watercolour for #the100dayproject. It worked. My pen and paint brush flowed effortlessly. I felt soothed and smoothed with a painting to show. When one thing doesn’t work, don’t stay stuck. Don’t try think it out, move on and try something different.

Now if only I can heed my own advice. Habits are hard to overcome. I must persevere and not give up because of a few failings. I must adopt the 1000 hour rule of practicing a new activity till it becomes a habit. Life is easier with good habits in tow. Life would be easier, too, if I don’t overthink and overdo. When I find myself pursuing everything and anything, to get to the bottom of things, to understand everything, anything and everyone…. it’s time to STOP. There’s nothing to figure out, to understand. There’s no answer to the whys of my thoughts.


The world has stopped. I have, too. My priorities these days are rest and sleep. I do the must do(s). Then I add on a thing or two if I comfortably can. I haven’t been a very restful person, always striving for improvement. I’ve never strived for more stuff, money, status but I work hard at being a better person, being more productive, etc. I haven’t been a very quiet person either. It’s a funny thing to say, when as a child my adults complain that I don’t talk enough. But being a nurse and working with the public, I picked up the gift of gab. Retirement hasn’t changed that. Talking is exhausting sometimes.

It’s good to stop, dropping all that stuff on my shoulders. Good enough is good enough. Rest and sleep are musts for my immune system. I can’t afford to fall into anxiety and/or depression. I’ve given up my  one Wonder Woman act and golden lasso. I get help wherever and whenever offered.

It’s Good Friday. I wish I could say I feel the holiness of it, but I can only sense the eeriness. God feels absent. We have to work through this ourselves, together. I see Jesus on the cross. I see him hanging on the wall. Did God sent his only begotten son down on earth to guide us? Does He love us that much? Can we be saved? Do I have enough faith?

I have learned not to ask the why of things. I try not to take anything personally. It is hard though. The whys of what is happening to me and to the world. They play their tunes in my head. It is exhausting, adding to the stress and anxiety of the everyday life. Locked down, in quarantine, social distancing, whatever mode we are in – life still has to be lived. Yesterday was hard. Another checkup for my mother at the Eye Center in the hospital. 3 months of shingles and its complications.

I am more stressed and anxious over my mother’s illness than the Coronavirus. I’ve lived and worked through the HIV and SARS crises. Though stressful and scary, I did have some control by wearing protective equipment and being cautious. With my mother’s illness, I have no control. I take her for medical attention and being with her. I wonder often if I’ve done a good job though I did the best I could. The rest was all on her. I cannot take over any of her pain and suffering. I cannot take over anyone else’s pain and suffering. We must each carry our own.

If there are any answeres to the many whys floating in my head, it is to teach me resilence and boundaries. It is to teach me I am not all powerful. I cannot fix everything. In these days, I am learning to survive. I am my own life raft. I need to throw off everything except what I need to stay afloat. Faith is my oar. I will light my candles again tonight.


EMPOWERMENT – Day 45 in a year of…

Day 45, September 5, 2016 @ 1:51 pm

The two hardest thing for me in life is getting things started and putting things away. But look at me.  I’m here early!  But before you give a hooray, let me tell you.  I’m here because I’m putting off the dishes and cleaning up after lunch.  I’m having a spot of tea.  I would really like to just sit and sip my tea – and doze.  But I’m re-training/re-inventing myself. This is my year long/life project.  The reasons why:

  • IMG_6562I felt dissatisfied with myself and the status quo
  • Life was affecting my health
  • I read a book called I Dare Me – about doing something different every day
  • I want to see if by doing something different daily would affect the way I see, feel and handle life
  • I had finished my 100 day project of doing art. The project was very helpful and I wanted to do another project.

How I started:

IMG_6902Since I was dissatisfied with myself, I started by enhancing my physical appearance. Since retirement, I have given up makeup totally.  I have not bothered with jewellry for a long time. I stayed in my lounge clothes or wore sweats.  So I started by brushing and styling my hair soon as I got up, applied my makeup, draw in my eyebrows and chose a pair of earrings. I had forgotten how many pairs I had!  I started doing selfies on my iPhone.  There’s a knack and practice does make for better. I asked friends on InstaGram for tips.  After awhile, I stopped grimacing when I look at my selfies.  I started to have FUN!

Things have evolved.  One day, two days.  Now I am on day 45.  I do not have a plan on what ‘different’ is.  Things just came up as the day comes.  They are not necessarily big things.  After all, isn’t there a saying that goes, Little things mean a lot?  Sometimes the ‘different’ is changing how I feel – even if it’s for a moment.

Results for me?

Having a project have given me a rhythm to my day.  Life is a worthwhile project.  Changes come slowly but I have felt them.  It has given me a sense of empowerment – I can change. I am the captain of my ship.  I can steer it towards my own destiny.

My dishes and Sheba are calling me.  Where is your ship heading?  Till tomorrow.