I hate it when my mind is stuck in overthoughts. I bet you’re thinking, why don’t you stop but it is not that easy to get my mind out of my head. I know. I’m whining again but I’m leaving it just on the page. You don’t have to listen/read. It helps me to splash it out and not let things swirl around in my head. It can be very exhausting. It takes all my energy and I get nothing done. I haven’t been meditating the last while. Let this time here be my morning meditation.
The morning has progressed into afternoon. My overthinking would not let the words flow. I moved on to the next best thing – doing my draw/watercolour for #the100dayproject. It worked. My pen and paint brush flowed effortlessly. I felt soothed and smoothed with a painting to show. When one thing doesn’t work, don’t stay stuck. Don’t try think it out, move on and try something different.
Now if only I can heed my own advice. Habits are hard to overcome. I must persevere and not give up because of a few failings. I must adopt the 1000 hour rule of practicing a new activity till it becomes a habit. Life is easier with good habits in tow. Life would be easier, too, if I don’t overthink and overdo. When I find myself pursuing everything and anything, to get to the bottom of things, to understand everything, anything and everyone…. it’s time to STOP. There’s nothing to figure out, to understand. There’s no answer to the whys of my thoughts.
Oy! A ton of snow fell on our fair city overnight. We already had lots on the weekend. Made moving a little more challenging by foot or wheels. More practice for patience and skill. Traffic moved slowly or not at all. It was too early for snow clearing at nine in the morning. Already there were cars spinning their tires when I arrived at the YWCA for my exercise class. I had enough of that years back, I had dumped my Plymouth Acclaim for a Honda CVR with 4 wheel drive. Now I don’t get stuck any more. Still I had to rock it back and forth getting out of the parking lot going home.
If I had been smart, I would have stayed home. But the habit of exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday got me heading out without thinking today. I guess it’s a good thing even though I wasn’t enthused. Enthusiasm isn’t always necessary. I got the same benefits of moving my body regardless. I have to keep that in mind. I don’t have to force feelings I can’t muster up. Doing the good thing is enough. I’m pooped now having just taken Sheba out for her walk. I have to give it to our citizens. Most of the sidewalks were shovelled. It was tough walking as it was. It would have been a killer if they hadn’t.
Talking about killer, I’ve finished Sue Grafton’s last book, Y is for Yesterday. It is quite dark, leaving me with a bit of ugly feeling. It’s cured my addiction for the alphabet series – for awhile anyways. I might have to read it again for it was confusing to follow. I wonder if Grafton knew it would be her last. It doesn’t read like her previous. It’s lengthy. Was it to sum/tidy up everything? Interesting speculating but I have to shut my mind down. I’m always thinking and asking unanswerable questions. I have to STOP IT. I have to get on with things. I’m rested. My teacup is empty.
I wish I have better opening sentences but for today, this is good enough. I am not any more calm, cool or collected. I still have that ache behind my eyes. It’s probably what is call a tension headache. Things are better. I am suffering from post problem solving. It’s frustrating when you are doing your part and the other party stalls you by not returning phone calls or emails. It wears you out. But if you’re lucky to talk to the right party, amazingly you get that phone call or email the very next day. I don’t think I’m paranoid. Some companies know how to mess with your mind.
I’m lucky that I’ve been a nurse. Nurses are tenacious. We have to be. If a patient is suffering or in danger, we call. We don’t give up simply because nobody answers. We call and call. Then there’s that STAT page. And if it’s big trouble there’s that CODE BLUE or 99. Then there’s alot of hustling.
I didn’t have to do a Code Blue yesterday but I did make some noise. I got my email answered this morning. My mouth dropped. I was flooded with relief. No more frustration from this area at least – I hope. Cross my fingers and toes. I was relieved but exhausted by the experience. Strange that I felt teary. I would have liked to cry but I was on my way to my aerobics class. I sweated my tears out instead. It was all good.
The moral of the story is hang in there. It’s a little inane but that’s what you do. Things will and do work out if you follow up to the end.
At this very moment I’m not handling stress very well. But I am here. I’ll try to tap it away. I probably shouldn’t have had my tea. It’s not coffee but it’s still caffeine. When I’m like this, it is difficult to sit and be still. I’ve gotten up and played with my new toy, the Dyson V8 Absolute Stick Vacuum. At least my floor is clean. No dog hair everywhere.
I hate this feeling of aggitation. I’m doing the best I can, trying not to jump out of my skin. I’m staying in the chair, feeling the sensation. I’m focusing on the keyboard, tapping out each letter. Sheba has finally settled down on her cushion. She was also aggitated, twirling around me wherever I went. She was probably feeding off my energy and wanting to go for her walk.
We could probably both use a walk but if we leave, SHE would probably call. That’s the thing. I might as well sit and wait till the guy gets home in half an hour or so. The SHE is the insurance adjuster. I’ve been dealing with my parents’ insurance since end of June, July. You have to make so many phone calls, just to make sure they got the phone call. If they don’t return calls, how do you know anything? Then they say they will email you. But you have to email them after 2 months before you get anything. They want you to have a pleasant experience with them. They give you the steps. Then you get automated emails saying they are not in the office and they will answer emails in the order they came – again and again. GRRRR?
I think I’ve tapped out most of my aggravation. I’m feeling my bodily sensations. I have an ache behind my eyes. My jaw is not clenched nor my shoulders bunched up. I’m sitting erect. My feet are crossed though. I’ve found assistance through the insurance broker. He phoned her. She was not taking calls. He did assure me I have 2 years to work on this thing. And they’re there if I need more help. Whew! Maybe that’s why I’m not clenching anything. What I need is time to settle down and chill.
Life is hard. The road stretches long, hard and cold before me. It is full of ruts and holes. If I’m not careful, I could sprain an ankle and/or fall down. It has happened before. Now I’m more alert and aware of where I’m going. In these short/long 119 days, I have at least learned not to waste my energy asking unanswerable questions. I will not be discouraged and disheartened by no answers. Wisdom comes in slow drops in the bucket. The bucket will fill eventually – if there are no leaks.
I cannot afford to leak out energy. So I must always nourish myself first regardless. Then I can tend to what’s out there. That is the law. That is my nature. If I am empty, I have nothing to give. Right now I’m slaking my thirst with a cup of tea, generously sweetened with honey. Sometimes I need a little extra. The world is filled with confusion and darkness. I see shadows and the malevolent everywhere. They waiting for me to trip and fall. I feel their presence but I am not afraid. I find solace in the words of the Divine.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.