I took a day off from skiing. There’s quite a few things that need my attention. While skiing is a very good activity, it is also an escape for me. I’m chasing the skier’s high and I’m always get it. Everyone thinks I’m so dedicated. What I am is addicted. Once in a while I make a deliberate effort to take a day off. It’s good for my muscles. It’s good for my brain and mind. The house gets tidied and cleaned. The bills get paid.
Sometimes I need to just stop and do nothing. But that hasn’t happened yet. I’m on the treadmill. It’s hard to get off. For now I’m happy if I can just slowed down a little, sit, sip tea and read a book for an hour straight without my mind thinking in every which direction. Once upon a time I was an expert at that. What the hell happened to me?
Well, I will let that sit for awhile. Maybe the answers will unravel for me. And maybe I need not know and just practice on doing nothing for short spells now and again. There’s no place I need to be. There is nothing that needs fixing. Let it be. Let it be.
It’s another day, another dollar. Life is strange and ordinary. Another shooting at a school in Nashville, killing three 9 year olds and 3 adults. It is the 90th school shooting this year in the United States. Strange that there are no stricter gun control laws after all these shootings and killings. I guess lives are dime a dozen, contradictory to mantra of every life matters.
Our spring is rather strange, too. It’s almost April and we had temperatures in the -20sC last night and this morning. I thought it would be a good day to bake bread and warm the house at the same time. It was a very relaxing and meditative process, mixing all the ingredients and then kneading the dough. It held the outside world at bay. I was happy in my own little bubble.
I love the ordinariness of my life- of watching dust mites in sunlight. I sometimes do wonder why I don’t have alot of wants and yearnings of more, more, more. But I can’t seem to make myself want more than what I have. So why bother?
I’m beginning to enjoy my daily chatter as much as my daily draw. So far it is pleasurable and relaxing. There is no one to interrupt my steady rhythmic tapping of the keys. I get things off my chest and work out a few kinks in my head. It’s all good stuff. It’s a good practice. It’s much better than seeking understanding from another. We all want to be heard and understood but it is very difficult to see and hear with an objective eye and ear. I find most people can’t even wait for the other person to finish his sentence before jumping in with their own story. We are all too human. We want to tell our stories much more than hear someone else’s. It is wise to pay for a therapist when we are in dire need of being heard and understood.
I’m feeling a little more joie de vivre today. I’m feeling a little more peppy and it’s not all due to the spicy and sour wonton soup I had for lunch. It helps some. Every little thing helps. So no matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. Most mornings I show up at the Wildwood Golf Course to cross country ski. And this morning I did the best and longest ski ever since I took up the sport in November of 2020. I am still not what you call a good skier but I have the ambition and drive to improve myself every single time I’m out there. I’m feeling jubilant having skied the whole inside track, minus one very steep hill. I walked up, then down that one. There’s no shame in being safe and smart.
It’s good to keep this conversation going now that it’s started. If I stop now, it might be difficult to get it going again. Though it is a conversation of one, I like it. I’m not interrupted and I can’t be misunderstood. It is all here, in writing and in black and white. I hate it when I’m not heard. It is very hard to be and to find a good listener. So often when I’m needing just an ear, I get advice on what and where I have gone wrong. What I really want was someone to listen and hear me and to acknowledge my feelings and give me comfort. What I really don’t need was someone defending and explaining the other person’s actions, right or wrong. Then my heart is broken not once but twice.
I’m writing this for myself. I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t listen and hear. It’s a conversation I need to have with myself over and over. And then when my heart gets broken not to take it personally. They don’t know better. It is not their fault. It is not my fault. We are just imperfect human beings that still needs alot of learning.
I’m OK. I hope you are, too. Life is hard but it is so very good, too. I’m feeling a bit of joy, a tad of sadness sometimes. It is all very normal – the flux and flow of things. Some days are cloudy while others are sunny. We’re here today and gone tomorrow. So I’ve gotta live where I’m here, putting one foot in front of the other, tapping one letter, then two. Sometimes when I can’t write, I draw. Aren’t I fortunate? And sometimes I can do both at the same time. Double fortunate.
There’s no easy way to get going again once you’ve let yourself get stuck at GO. So I’ve given myself a kick in the ass, wiggled all my fingers and started typing. I’m feeling no better nor am I in a better mood. I’m not feeling any joy for myself or anyone. So please, don’t ask that of me. However, I am moving, doing what I need to do to live hopefully with purpose. My purpose right this minute is – not to feel this way. Not to have these feelings dwell in my cells. It’s not good for me.
I think there’s a lesson here for me. I just have to live peacefully with all these for awhile. They will tell me what it is that I have to change. In the meanwhile, I will try to be a good sport and not upset anyone’s wagon cart. I don’t have to fix my wagon. It might not be in the right track but it isn’t broken. In the meantime, while it is searching for the North Star, I will carry on with the activities of daily living. I will pay more attention so that I don’t fall into the same damn holes again. Then my wagon can truly get broken. It might be wise to consult Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. The four agreements are:
Be Impeccable With Your Word,
Don’t Take Anything Personally,
Don’t Make Assumptions,
Always Do Your Best.
They sound pretty simple and straight forward but I haven’t mastered them yet, not even close. They are something to work toward when you are lost and wandering in the desert – as I am at the moment.
I’ve become a stranger to my own space. Now I don’t know how or where to start. How to get the words flowing again. So don’t expect much from me tonight. I’m just flexing and warming up my fingers to write a post a day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge in April. I wonder if I still have it in me. Once upon a time this was my come to place to air my triumphs and failures. Once upon a time it was my breathing space. What is it to me now?
I’ve become a stranger even to myself. Life seems strange and unreal. I feel and know I am getting older. I don’t believe in the getting better and wiser horse shit. What I feel is vulnerable. Things are changing at lightning speed and there’s no place for the getting older crowd. You can see and say that I’m not exactly in the best or cheerful form. I’m still the ever say-it-as-it-is girl/woman. I think I am a little bitter, too.
So what am I going to do about it all? Maybe it’s something I could work on in April. I could stand to have a make-over physically, spiritually and emotionally. I’ve already started on shedding a few pounds. And I could lighten my outlook of the world and everything in it. I’m feeling deaden and weighed down. It’s too heavy a subject to chew on right this minute. I shall put it on the shelf to rest till April fool’s. Maybe it’s a good time to read Dark Nights of the Soul.