I took a day off from skiing. There’s quite a few things that need my attention. While skiing is a very good activity, it is also an escape for me. I’m chasing the skier’s high and I’m always get it. Everyone thinks I’m so dedicated. What I am is addicted. Once in a while I make a deliberate effort to take a day off. It’s good for my muscles. It’s good for my brain and mind. The house gets tidied and cleaned. The bills get paid.
Sometimes I need to just stop and do nothing. But that hasn’t happened yet. I’m on the treadmill. It’s hard to get off. For now I’m happy if I can just slowed down a little, sit, sip tea and read a book for an hour straight without my mind thinking in every which direction. Once upon a time I was an expert at that. What the hell happened to me?
Well, I will let that sit for awhile. Maybe the answers will unravel for me. And maybe I need not know and just practice on doing nothing for short spells now and again. There’s no place I need to be. There is nothing that needs fixing. Let it be. Let it be.
I was so delighted by all that sunshine this morning. All the heaviness fell off my body. It helped too that I had a healthy dose of sleep last night – almost nine hours. AND the fact that I’m not that mouse on the tread wheel screaming: I have to fix it! I have to fix it! Yesterday, I gave myself permission to languish prn. Prn comes from the Latin ‘pro re nata’ meaning when necessary.
It’s the nurse in me coming out, though I am no longer a nurse. I’ve hung up my cap and taken off my duty shoes. Old memories are still alive and kicking around somewhere in my body and soul. The memories are ok. Some are good. Some are not but they all can stay. They all contributed to the sum total of who I am today. It is time to let go of the duty part though. It is always the right thing to help one another if I can. It is not my duty to fix anything, anyone or even myself. Just listen and let be. I have to knock the duty part off and have a happy retirement like my cake says.
It’s taken me a frigging long time to arrive here – 6 years post retirement. I’m not complaining. I’m marvelling. It’s been such an interesting journey. I’m feeling the lightness and weightlessness after dropping some self-taken burdens. What a dork! I could kick myself around the block but I won’t. I know we all have moments like these. We don’t know what we don’t know. We will when we’re ready.
Happy Thursday. Now I have to take Sheba around a few blocks, a happy self-imposed duty.
I was thinking about the other night when I fell instantly asleep. It was very strange and wonderful. I got into bed, laid down. There was not a thought in my head, not a feeling in my mind. I noted the feeling or rather, the no feeling. Then I was gone – to sleep. It’s recent enough I still remember it clearly. Thinking about the other night starts a song playing in my head. It’s a pretty and lively tune. My head is a regular jukebox.
I’m thinking about things. It’s not very often that my head is empty so the other night was significant. That’s a moment worth repeating. The reason why I fell asleep so effortlessly was because of my week of physical activity. I’ve been making it a priority to work out at my best effort in my exercise class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then there’s the daily walks with Sheba in our very fresh winter air. Sleep is the best medicine for everything. I should know. I was sleep deprived for many years doing shift work. I did not know how poorly I was functioning till after I’ve stopped. I used to pride myself on how little sleep I needed. That was how stupid I was.
I’ve read that it takes 7 years to recover after that many years of sleep deprivation. I’m halfway there. I do make it a habit to go to bed at the same time each night. I get up a couple of times for nature calls. I don’t turn on the light, avoiding waking myself more. Usually I am able to go back to sleep without trouble. I’m on the right track but I do have odd nights that I have trouble. Who doesn’t?
So I am thinking about things, of what I can do to make everything better. Sometimes it’s better if I don’t. Not everything can/should be fixed. Not everything is my fault. Now, I try a little of sitting with things when they/I go awry. I’m still answering all the call bells, even if only in my head. But I can turn them off with effort now. It’s a false alarm, I tell myself. No need for fixing or tending. Let it be. Ah, I’m hearing Paul McCartney singing. Yes, it’s good sometimes to let things be.
I am my own worse enemy so much of the time. But on this day, Sunday, the day before Remembrance Day, I find myself singing one of the Beatles’ song:
‘When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be’
Yes, let it be. It is good to surrender. Just let it be. I surrender. I am letting it be, knowing that in the end all will be as it should be. In HIM I trust.