I hate those nights when I can’t sleep. Though you try not to stress it, that’s where you end up anyways. How else could you not be, without sleep?
I find myself here again, tonight, sipping tea and tapping at my keyboard. Sheba is asleep, curled in her bed, beside me. How I envy her. But I will not dwell on that or on frustration. Instead, I will pause my thinking. I close my eyes and listen to the quiet.
I can rest, if not sleep in the quiet. I can breathe into the spaciousness of the night. I can release all my worries, angst and judgements. I can let go of the past and dreams of the future. I can just be here now, in the night, tapping out my words….with no stress or need to be profound.
If only you were here, we could do so many things….hold hands, touch each other’s faces and talk of tomorrow. We could laugh in the sunshine and splash in the rain. We could sing Bird on a Wire and Hallelujah along with Leonard Cohen. We could almost fly to the moon and back and swing from the stars. We could almost have fun.
You are here. And we can learn to do all those things. We have to open our hearts and our minds to embrace all possibilities. We can fly to the moon and dance among the stars. HALLELUJAH!
Autumn has come. It is in the late rising sun, the cool crisp mornings, the golden falling leaves. I feel it in the ache of my bones. But I am finally here, tap, tapping at my keyboard. It has been a long time since I’ve felt the rhythm returning to my fingers.
It hasn’t been easy, this waiting. It has been full of un- ease and dis-ease. Nothing stops except the flow of my words. Life goes on, as the cliche goes. But in the process, I have seen and learned the bare bones of life, of what is of the utmost importance. It is not the money. It is not the job. It is not what people’s opinion of me. It’s none of those things and yet I cannot articulate it in written words. Yet I know and feel it in my marrow.
Perhaps it is this very moment that I’ve been waiting for, this moment of clarity. I have been waiting for myself, to steal the words from Alice Walker, who wrote We Are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For. It is a book everyone should read. Forever and a day, I have not thought of myself mattering. Forever and a day, my identity is as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a nurse, and no more.
The waiting is over. I have arrived unto myself. And it is good. It is worth it. I am worth it.
Come September the mornings are a little cooler. The air is a little crisper and sharper. There’s a hint of anticipation in the air. The birds are circling and singing in the yard. Joy is all around.
The leaves are still ever green and the days are warm and golden. Here and there there are hints of the gold and orange to come but for now, we can enjoy summer days. We can wander down the path to the river, run on beach, sit on a rock and dangle our feet above the waters. We can run and splash our feet in the river and fetch sticks to our hearts’ content. Come and join us if you will.