The day after my year of doing different I am feeling quite crossed and unpleasant. I feel ugly meanness and not niceness oozing out of me. I decide that I would try to go into quietness and sit with it for awhile. Maybe I can befriend the feeling and see where it goes. I will try the newness of not fixing. It will be difficult, for I’m the fix-myself queen.
The tap tap on the keyboard has a soothing rhythm. I’m feeling and listening to the sound. It reminds me of Rhythm of the Falling Rain.
I hear the opening bar of thunder, then the cascading falling of the rain, the melody and simple lyrics. It’s pretty, it’s lovely. My body moves to the rhythm. My lips mouth the words. I am not stirring up more uglies in me.
The wrinkles in my mind are ironed out, the uglies and meanness recede. Only I had felt them. They are not my outerwear. They are not broadcast over loudspeaker system. I am not what I feel. I do not have to repent and do 50 hours of community work. I am saved from myself by myself. Hallelujah!
What I know for sure is the earth is round. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It will do so every day unless we screw up and self destruct. What goes up must come down. I am not unique. Therefore I am not alone in my feelings. There are good habits and then there are bad habits. What I know for sure is I’ve strengthened my good ones during the 365 days of doing different. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. It is a very good motto. Work it!
Day 364 – July 27, 2017 @1:48 pm
Here I am again, showing up once more on this second last day to my year of. It is not easier. What stays true is nothing happens and nothing said till I make my first tap – a letter, a word, a sentence, a paragraph.
My head is not quite as full and heavy today. Getting the thoughts out in print helps to clarify things for me. That’s why I tap. I’m voicing my sighs, groans and moans of aches,pains, irks and whathaveyous. A glimpse of insight sometimes follow. And I go, ‘ah, how interesting, Watson’, followed by a slow smile.
Sometimes insight comes on its own wings. Yesterday Viktor Frankl spoke to me:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
I think he was trying to save me time. He was pointing to the most important lesson of my year. I’ve gotten that point before. It’s just that I keep losing it over and over. THE SPACE is it. It is there for all of us. It can be a moment or two but is so powerful when recognized. It can feel like an eternity where we can do so much in just that moment.
I am so happy that Viktor whispered it. I saw it before my eyes last evening at supper. And I gave it voice. Remembering the moment now gives me peace. My forehead is smoothed of wrinkles. My head feels lighter. I am in the space.
Day 363 – July 26, 2017 @4:21 pm
Some days the heaviness weighs me down. My head is full of this and that, information, things to do, guilt, other people’s stuff, my stuff. It’s difficult to stand tall and free. I was feeling all of it this morning. What to do? It’s hard to let go of getting right to the ‘doing’. The habit is set. When did it happen? How did it happen?
With the recognition of the moment, I tried to set aside my book, my phone, my everything. It was difficult and uncomfortable to sit with just my tea and toast. But my head was heavy and weary. I tried for nothing for little moments in time. Then my toast and tea were done. I still had 3/4 hour before heading out for my exercise class. I picked up my phone. I put down my phone. I don’t need to cram my brain with more information. I got up.
My next ‘challenge’ after finishing ‘my year of’ is creating order in my home. It is really about creating order in me. No time like the present to start. I headed towards the bedroom. I dusted the dressers, bedframe, light fixture, above the doors. It did not take long. I still had time. I got the mop and damp dusted the floor. Sheba is in shedding season. The hair! The dusting and mopping were very soothing and relaxing.
I had plenty of time to get to the gym. My head felt much lighter and I had one clean and orderly room. What I learned from the experience is that I have to take time for creating space – whether it is in my head or in a room. The time is always there but I have to take it. I’ve been taking time to exercise. It’s become a good habit. I have to apply it to other areas. It’s good to take time to clear, to empty the trash in our heads as well as in our house.
Day 361 – July 24, 2017 @8:20 am
Some days are easier than others but all days are hard. At one time I thought it best not to use that word – hard. I’ve changed my mind. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s best to face the facts. Life is hard. Days are hard. This morning the sky was overcast, ominous, the trees whipped about by the wind. I felt nature’s turbulence within.
Day 362 – July 25, 2017 @9:34 am
Seems like I’m waking up to Groundhog Day – the same sky and turbulence. The difference is the turbulence is not within me. As I speak the clouds have scattered and the sun is peeking out. Nothing stays the same. In these last days of my year of, I’m ever conscious of our/my shifting world. It has always been so, the impermanence – “transient, evanescent, inconstant.”
In my new state of awareness, I have this feeling that everything and nothing matters. I get to decide which. I am the master/captain of my destiny/ship. I choose everything matters. It is in my genetic code. I am an explorer, a striver and a survivor. I choose life. I choose to make it a good life. This decision gives me direction in every moment. It makes a difference in the days, weeks, months, years to come.
They are not momentous. They are little decisions/changes in little moments. They make my day just a little easier. I am not monumental. I am but a woman of little stature. I like it.
Day 360 – July 23, 2017 @9:19 am
It’s been 2 months since I’ve last sat here. I’m fighting the urge to rise and make myself another cup of tea/coffee. It’s uncomfortable being in this space again, trying to tap, tap out the letters, words, thoughts. The space is bigger, wider. I’m a little lost, sloshing around, trying to find and touch the boundaries. I’m like the little seedlings starting out. They/I like the snugness of a small space. Our roots/limbs to feel the sides and edges. I like to think I’m more pliable though. I can s-t-r-e-t-c-h, reaching for the stars. I can grow. I have grown, haven’t I? There! Now I’ve earned that time out for that cuppa before continuing.
I have my cuppa decaf. Somehow I feel better having something to sip on. It’s better/healthier than a lit cigarette on an ashtray. That’s my old self – a cigarette before/while doing. That’s one way I have grown – physically healthier. I’m leaner and less mean, thanks to my three times a week aerobics class and a swim once a week. The mean part is mostly in my mind. I don’t think I’m a mean person but I always fault myself for not being kinder, for being such a grump and ranting so much. I still have those feelings sometimes. I no longer mind my inability to be ‘kinder’. I’m kinder to myself. I rant because I’m not one for status quo and don’t rock the boat. How can things improve that way? I’ll be like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day, same tune on the radio every day.
I like to think I’m more conscious, being in the present moment. I like to think I’m more of a responder instead of a reactionary. That was/is my biggest goal. It has so many benefits. I’m not so angry or resentful. I sleep better. I have more creative energy but I have to tell you it is work every minute of the day. I remind myself – ok, don’t take that personally. Don’t fly off the handle. Breathe, observe and respond. It becomes easier with practice. Everything becomes easier and better with practice.
Practice makes for better. It’s a good place to stop. I like challenges. Everything is a challenge to me. And I grumble about the hardness of all that. But the grumbling is me trying to find that comfort zone, that snugness, the space to breathe in and out and to start again. What I know for sure is that we have to start – again and again, discarding what doesn’t work, keeping the good stuff.