Summer time. The living is not quite as easy as the song goes but morning has broken and I have slept a good sleep. The sun was already shining bright at 7. Looks like another hot August day but at least it’s still a cool 17 now at 8 o’clock. By now yesterday, it was already over 21℃. How is my day going to be? Will it run me or will I control it? That is the question. I have many memories of bad hot August days. When I really think about it, they weren’t really bad days but rather bad choices or decisions of actions I’ve made. They led to ‘bad’ feelings which still rear their ugly heads now and again. It really does me no good to blame myself for them. I did the best I could/knew how then.
Now I am at crossroads again. When am I not? Which way or how to go? I know I do not want to dwell in the valley of depression. I will make make a detour and bypass that junction. I have so many options. I can sit in nature as I am now with my tea, tap, tapping for solutions. I can watch a uplifting video like this one of a grandfather and granddaughter doing a tap dance. Joy is contagious. I feel my feet tapping and my heart lifting. I am making an active choice of being in the light and music of life. Sometimes it is not easy but it is a choice we can make.
I am choosing this morning not to be so frenzied with thoughts and doings. I am choosing to be still and in this sit spot, resting and enjoying the view before me. The frog is sitting in contemplation amid the squashes and the pot of nasturtiums. The squash leaves are swaying in the gentle breeze, the bees buzzing around the Globe Thistle and the petunias and bougainvilleas blooming on the deck. The laughter and screeches are finally quietening down from daycare one house away as playtime outside is over. All is well. I still have a little bit more time to sit out here and enjoy. Noon is slowly approaching along with the heat.
Don’t you just hate it when you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep? That’s my beef today. It catches me now and again. I didn’t sweat it but tried to stay loose and relaxed. It didn’t help though. Instead of laying there with recurring the same thoughts and feelings, I got up and made myself a cup of tea. The sunroom was lit enough from the neighbour’s over the door garage light. I didn’t need to turn any lights on. It created a perfect ambience to sit and sip tea at 3:30 in the morning. And with Caroline Myss talking to me about Sacred Contracts through my earphones, I was lulled back to sleep.
I was jarred a dream by a dream. In my dream I couldn’t shut Caroline Myss up though I had taken out my earphone. I woke up with her voice still in my ears. Of course my buds were still in. Though my sleep was interrupted and broken, I didn’t feel too, too bad. I know I am in a bit of a mood. I felt it coming the last few days. Maybe it is the heat. I like to blame my moods on the weather. I don’t want ownership of them but I am trying to turn over a new leaf. I would really like to throw a tantrum, stomp my feet and say, It’s not fair! But who the hell would listen or care? In essence I have been doing that for a long, long time. Did it help? Nada! It’s about time I grow up, get with it and change. It’s never too late. It’s not over till it’s over. There’s still time, inches if not miles to improve.
I hate to whine but it does help to verbalize. I am not casting blame or expecting help. Besides, when I do need/want help, usually nobody is home. I’m always here for me. It’s a relief to let it out/go. It’s a heavy weight to keep everything inside. I have no facade to uphold. I don’t mind sharing thoughts and feelings. It might help another. We just don’t know. Mostly I’m just trying to help myself. So I’ve been in a mood. I’ve made a note of it and asked myself, What are you going to do about it? The answer is, nothing.
Most of the time there is nothing to be done but to ride it out. Eventually things will work out. They always do. Nothing stays static. My mood will pass. I will sleep again. Tomorrow is a new day.
It’s so easy to let moments, minutes and hours slip away on me. This morning I am practicing discipline not to do that. So here I am, fresh from a good night’s sleep to count my morning blessings.
I always look forward to waking up in the morning when I go to bed each night. I am excited to see the sunrise and light up my sunroom.
The sun came out at 6:30 this morning though the clouds hid it shortly after.
The greenhouse is lush with abundance. There’s cucumbers and bitter melons hanging on the vine. Some of the pepper plants have reached the ceiling. There are peppers to be picked. I harvested 2 ripe Black Krim tomatoes for breakfast.
I am enjoying my morning cup of tea with ginger.
I am grateful that I have the strength to get up, dress up and show up and that I can live up to my word.
It’s almost a month since I’ve been here. It feels like a very long time. I’ve lost that sense of hominess for this space. That’s what happens when you get lost on your way home. I guess I will have to work my way back. Life feels so busy at this end of the toilet roll. Time speeds away on me. There’s never enough of it and there’s never a good time for a visit here. There’s always that ‘oh, maybe tomorrow.’
I’m finally sick of that refrain. I decided right this minute, I must find the words and rhythm again. I must find the way back to myself again. So here I am, laptop on my lap and feet up on the stool. I’m tired having baked 6 loaves of bread and done the cleaning. The loaves are cooling on the rack. I’ve ate 2 slices for sustenence and energy. It is that time in August when I start to feel a bit of autumn melancholy. The sun doesn’t show up at 5 or even at 6 am. I miss the early light but at least on most days, the sun shines at 7.
The weather and the world are chaotic. Still there are many things to be grateful for. I would be in a better space to name them all but I am at the end of the day. I’ve bagged the bread. They are now in the freezer. The garden is watered, whatever needs to be watered. I’m ready for supper and that glass of wine. And tomorrow if I time things right, I can return with my list of gratitude. I hear the call to the table.