It is almost the end of August and the day is hot. Life has been hard but then when has it not? And doesn’t that make the moment more sweeter and poignant when all the dust has settled and you can let out the big sigh and breathe again? Ah! Feel the peace.
I have time to savour the quiet, the space and the nothingness of everything. I can lay here on the coolness of the floor. I close my eyes and watch my breath go in and out. There is nothing to accomplish. There are no thoughts to be thought…..no plans, no schemes, no desires, no memories. I am only in the now of the moment for this moment. And that is all that matters, this moment.
I’m feeling like a fetus in the womb, warm and safe. And I am not ready to come out any time soon. And if I could sing, I would croon myself a lullaby .. to send me off to dreamland. Hushabye, don’t you cry….
It is alright. I can cry even if I am a big girl. It’s a sign of being human, vulnerable and brave. And it is some sort of rites of passage. I would want to mark it in some sort of way, even if it is in some sort of paralysis.
I have forgotten that I am a living organism of cells and protoplasm. I am made of energy. I breathe, feel and react. I have lived years in the world according to rules, regulations and protocols. Now all that is switched off. How shall I live then?
Now is a good time to pause, to let all the tremors, doubts, fears and other bogeymen run through my body. Let them come, one by one. Let them sweep me clean of all malevolence. Let me get to know the woman who is still in me…..the woman of hope, joy, laughter, love……waiting to be born again.
Not much sun this morning. There was no sun at all. I wondered if the sun still rises on mornings like these. But still, I felt and saw the sun in my mind’s eye as I did my opening qigong move to the sunrise. I knew that somewhere behind the clouds and mist, the sun was rising and I greeted it to start the day.
Hello day! You are here for me to fill as I desire. It does not matter that it is cloudy. It is still a gift of time to be well spent in whatever it is that pleases me. And so I breathe in and I breathe out. I open my arms to the sky. I feel the energy flowing through me. And all is copacetic.
I try to mix the order of my movements between the sunrise and sunset. Being such a creature of habit, it is not so easy. There is such a sense of discomfort and resistance. I breathe in and out and continue to find order within my disorder. Such is life. There is so much chaos and it is I who must remain calm and constant.
I came to rest at the sunset, crossing and opening my arms to the sky. I held the ball of chi in my hands and stepped back in honour and bowed to the ancestors.
I am in the desert again. Only this time it is not of my choosing, nor is it Lent. But that is how life is. Sometimes we don’t get to choose.
My fingertips had been silent these last days. No relief to be had from the tapping on the keyboard. And so I remained till now.
You cannot force these things. You cannot speak against your will. And so I remain silent, ever hopeful to find my way out of the desert. Now I see a glimmer of the passage out. And I am ever so grateful…to find my voice again and to feel the ground beneath my feet.
I am happy to leave the desert. I have suffered and endured, but it has also been time well spent learning the lessons of the desert.