STUMBLES, HICCOUGHS and LETTING GO

Another beautiful morning for the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Welcome to my space. I thought I would lay a few bricks for today’s post before I get too caught up in the cobwebs of daily life. I am feeling brighter and more energetic since I’ve joined the challenge. Having a goal adds purpose to my day. I look forward each day to sitting here with my cuppa and sharing my thoughts and words with you. November is not only a writing month but a month of hope. I am taking advantage of Sounds True’s free 4 day event on Activating Hope. Jane Goodall is a keynote speaker. That says it all for me.

It is interesting to learn that Jane had no experience or degree when she started work as a secretary with Louis Leakey And my renowned art professor, Dorothy Perehudoff, had a degree in biology before she took up art. I still have time to become a good artist or whatever. We are not just one thing. We are always evolving and there are more than one destination on our life journey. Being such, there’s bound to be a few hiccoughs and stumbles along the way. Jane Goodall was no exception. Though she had many awards and recognition, she had criticisms as well. She was accused of plagarism in her book, Seeds of Hope. She acknowledged, apologized and move on.

“On 22 March 2013, Hachette Book Group announced that Goodall’s and co-author Gail Hudson’s new book, Seeds of Hope, would not be released on 2 April as planned due to the discovery of plagiarised portions.^[87] A reviewer for The Washington Post found unattributed sections that were copied from websites about organic tea, tobacco, an “amateurish astrology site”, as well as from Wikipedia.^[88] Goodall apologised and stated, “It is important to me that the proper sources are credited, and I will be working diligently with my team to address all areas of concern. My goal is to ensure that when this book is released it is not only up to the highest of standards, but also that the focus be on the crucial messages it conveys.”^[89] The book was released on 1 April 2014, after review and the addition of 57 pages of endnotes.^[90]“

That is what I must do also for my stumbles and hiccoughs – move on. They are not failures. They are lessons to stop falling into the same rabbit hole again and again. I am a slow learner. I hang onto things and people like my Sheba with a bone. There’s no wisdom in doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. No wonder I feel like a gerbil on a wheel. I can’t believe how long I keep telling the same story over and over. Now that I had my moment of recognition, of knowing, of seeing how and why I’ve been treading water all these long years, I need to adopt a new course of action. I need to let go of things that no longer serve me. I need to tell a new story.

LIFE ANEW

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks since Sheba’s left. Before Covid-19 I remembered Saturday mornings for swimming and breakfast at A & W. Now it is the day Sheba went to heaven. I am a tad sad. How could I not be? But mostly I’m grateful for the wonderful years I’ve had with her. In this moment those years seem so short. They sped by in a blink of an eye.

This month of July is going fast too. August is almost here. 7 more days for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have mostly shown up for it. It is serving my purpose. I am reaching my goals and beyond. I am recovering the lost bits and pieces of myself that I valued. I am in love again with the beauty and magic of the word. I know and respect its power. I am disengaging from the badassed neighbour’s energy.

I’ve been doing my homework on learning all I can about narcissists by watching Dr. Les Carter’s videos on surviving narcissism. There’s a wealth of helpful information. I’ve been getting alot of aha moments today. Bing! Bing! Bing! Moments of insight I never had before. And I go, wow! That’s why I’ve been having such a difficult time not only with my neighbour but other people as well. I’m seeing that we all have narcissism in ourselves. It’s all a matter of degree and kinds.

It is Saturday today – the day Sheba left 9 weeks ago. I’m adjusting and adapting to my new reality. I’m doing fine but it is a bit of a job. I’ve been learning huge lessons. Feeling so fortunate to have the experience of unconditional love of my fur baby. I wonder if it is possible to have the same with another human being. It gives me a reference guide when I’m having trouble with people.

I have so much I want to share from what my study of narcissists. I’m having difficulty in articulating today. I will have to leave it for another post. What I like about Dr. Les Carter’s videos is that he does not talk about retaliation, getting even. He emphasizes on anchoring down on things that are important to you – simple moments of enjoying music, art, service to people, being a voice of goodness to others. I will heed and experiment with his advice. Let go of ideal plans and think of what am I going to do with my day.

FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER

October 1, another new day, another new month. I’ve been remiss in showing up here in this, my writing space. Hopefully I can show up daily for the month of October to mutter, sigh and bitch about the weather and whatnot. This month I’m writing for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My rules are always the same for this challenge and space. They are:

To show up every day.
Truthful and respectful.
Hopeful and helpful.

I’ve had a difficult and challenging September dealing with one of my neighbours. I’ve always had a difficult time all the years she’s lived next to me. But I realized this time that she has given me much insight into myself and human relations. She has taught me many valuable lessons about life and what is important and what is not. It is strange but I am grateful to her for all the miseries coming from her direction. Every cloud does have a silver lining.

For October, I hope to capture the silver linings of those clouds. The sky is cloudy today but my world is lit by the gold and oranges of the autumn leaves. There is much wrong and meanness in the world. There is also much right and kindness in the world. The ying and the yang. I like to concentrate and share the love and kindness and what is right out there. It’s a worthy goal.

DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HEARTACHE

It’s funny how those aha moments come – out of the blue like a falling star from heaven. I’ve been thus hit this morning. I am sitting here basking in its afterglow, feeling grateful, tap, tapping away on my keyboard. I feel as if I’ve come home after a long journey. Perhaps I have been absent, away from myself for a long while.

I’ve been away, trying to be what I am not. Trying to grasp what is not mine to have. Trying too hard to measure up to be an exalted angel – to be kind beyond kind, to be generous with a bottomless heart, to be that perfect product without a flaw. How could I succeed?

I couldn’t no matter how hard I try. I have tried and been disappointed and heartbroken to learn that I am just human after all. I am flawed. I take things personally. I have resentments. I am disappointed and disillusioned at times. I have meanness in me. I admit that I have all that in me. I see it. I am glad.

Why am I glad? I am glad because now I can move on. Disappointments and heartache are my good friends, teaching me what works and what doesn’t. They are ushering me from the valley of the shadow into the light.

LIVING WITH/WITHOUT MAC

Here I am on the fast track again. I’ve been limping along on my old PC since June 28th, having killed my MacBook with a big splash of white wine.

It was a sobering moment. It stopped me cold. I sat transfixed, staring at my wet keyboard. I was not quick to the draw to shut it down, unplug it or to throw a towel over it. Instead when I came unstuck, I turned the computer upside down to rid the wine.

That was when the lights flickered out and the rest/Mac was history. It sat in a bag of rice in the basement for over a week. It had to come out. We were running out of rice. I should/could have ran it to the Mac Store just a few blocks down the street. I should/could have done a lot of things differently. BUT I didn’t. I did take it there two days ago. Too late! The hard drive was okay and the data was migrated into my new iMac.

Here are some lessons from the accident:

Don’t have liquids nearby to be spilled. Coffee, tea with cream and sugar are most damaging. Sugar corrodes.
Turn computer off right away. Unplug. I would dry laptop right away before turning it upside down. That’s when the wine dripped into it for me.
Run it to Apple Store.
Do not try to turn it on till cleaned/fixed. It could cause more damage.
Buy another better and bigger computer if can’t/cost too much to repair old one.
Get an external hard drive to back up your stuff.
After learning the lesson, forget the incident and enjoy the new computer.

I was a little distressed over the incident. Who wouldn’t be – my photos/writing AND the financial expense. But I had read a lot of self help books on attachments, etc. etc. It was a perfect time to put all that into use. What was done was done. So how was I to proceed now?

You know the saying that there are no accidents. I believe that it’s true. The ‘accident’ is a prod to awaken me to something else. I have been sleeping at the wheel too much. It is time that I wake up and take direction/control of where I am going. That is the way I looked at it.

I’ve been working on my HP PC and Windows this past week or so. It gets frustrating learning old stuff with a slower connection and on an old PC. I see in the moment that I need to be more- much more patient than I am. The past week of navigating on the old PC has helped me tremendously – patience wise and stimulating new brain cells.

I had to device new and different ways of getting around the PC’s sputters and hiccoughs. The Mac had none of that and did everything for me so slick and fast. It did put me into a trance.

Trances can be costly in many ways. But I’m still ahead. I’m enjoying the slick and smooth of Apple. I’m enjoying the the pictures that I thought were lost forever.

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE

What I know for sure this morning is, It’s another Groundhog Day! More clouds and rain. Oh boy, oh joy. Let the day begin.

Much later, what I know for sure is the day has been busy. No idling even on a rainy day. My first impulse is to settle myself with a cup of tea and a blanket in the sun room and read the day away. But no such doing for this girl. What I know for sure is, if I sat down, I will never get up.

So off Sheba and I went, walking in the rain. It was quite pleasant with just a lazy drizzle. We pretended that we were Fred and Ginger, skipping and dancing around the puddles. What fun that was!

Back home, I get busy and made some tomato plants happier by transplanting them into larger individual pots. Now they have room to thrive. It is very soothing lifting the plants out and planting them in the soil again. The glow from the grow lights resets my lazy brain and mind like a pacemaker would a heart. It is a lightbulb moment, as Oprah would say.

Sheba and I has had our second walk of the day – in the rain still. We did not dance this time, but hurried along in the driving rain. My income tax has been completed. Whew, what hard work! That’s what I get after relying on my accountant brother to do it all these years. It is long overdue to account for myself. That I know for sure.

I am just coasting in the evening of the day. Supper is done. The dishes are in the washer. My mind is at ease. What I know for sure is, truths do not set you free. You cannot tell another his truth, for it is not his but yours. I have learned that the hard way. I told someone his/mine truth. I put the truth in front of his face and his back was against the wall. He cursed me and called me a Chinese witch. He wants to squash me like a bug under his shoe.

Now that I have faced my own truth, I will not try to teach another his truth again. Some lessons are HARD and I am grateful to him for teaching me. What I know for sure is, Life sure is dang hard. And I am loving it anyways. What do you know for sure?

THE DESERT REVISITED

I am in the desert again. Only this time it is not of my choosing, nor is it Lent. But that is how life is. Sometimes we don’t get to choose.

My fingertips had been silent these last days. No relief to be had from the tapping on the keyboard. And so I remained till now.

You cannot force these things. You cannot speak against your will. And so I remain silent, ever hopeful to find my way out of the desert. Now I see a glimmer of the passage out. And I am ever so grateful…to find my voice again and to feel the ground beneath my feet.

I am happy to leave the desert. I have suffered and endured, but it has also been time well spent learning the lessons of the desert.

SLEEPLESS IN THE DESERT

We are 23 days into Lent.

I spent the night sleepless wandering in the desert. Needless to say, I had no dreams nor visions. Moses did not speak to me from the mountain. No one came to lead me out, not even God. The desert was very dry, no oasis in sight.

I did not panic. I journeyed from where I was, the best that I could. I remembered long time ago a classmate, new to the city, was crossing the street. Half way across, the DON’T WALK sign came on. She turned back, waited for the WALK sign and started again. Guess what? The same thing happened! We laughed about it but it was a huge lesson for me, though it took some time for me to realize it.

We cannot always start afresh. It is not always a good thing. We have to start from where we are now, scarred, with heavy baggage and all. And so, I did not fight my sleeplessness. I try to use the time to put a few things in order, to look at things differently. Then I just lay down, close my eyes. I let everything be.

I did the best I could. I put my hand over my heart and felt comforted.

SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS

I lost my battle to inertia today, sleeping in till after 8. Then after breakfast, I curled up with a book in the sun room and lost myself in its pages. It was wonderful laying in the sun, wrapped in my quilt…..living other people’s lives, feeling their emotions and not having to deal with anything real. I didn’t even make dinner.

But you can handle only so much inertia before you start feeling not so great. I felt all the weariness of others’ guilt, anger and remorse. And they’re not even real people but made up, fictitious. How stupid is that? But I knew there was a lesson for me in that book. And I had to get to the end of it. And so I sped ahead to the last chapters. Then backtracked to the middle to complete the story.

You see, I have no patience, even in my fatigue. I cannot do one thing at a time, in order, no more than I can read one page at a time in the order they were put together. I suppose it is not that huge a revelation. but it is some kind of awakening. I will have to slow down and learn to dot all my i’s and cross all my t’s. I might miss too many things along life’s road if I don’t.

I finally did manage to get myself up off the couch. It was a very painful process. And Sheba and I went for our walk. It was equally painful but the important thing was we still did it. Some days are just better than others.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

lessons