PRIORITIES AND GETTING THERE

Life goes on no matter what happens to me. Nothing stops. The planet turns. People go to work. The buses, trains and planes are arriving and departing. Someone once said to me that men are like buses. If you miss one, you can always catch the next. We have one life. We can’t have another – unless you believe in reincarnation. Even then, it is not a sure thing. I rather bet on a sure thing, this one precious life. I want to live it the best I can.

We are one collective breath, breathing in or out of rhythm. I rather be in tune with the earth and cosmos. I’ve been out of synch too long. I’ve had a few aha! moments. I’ve said I would do better. I do and then I forget – again. I’m saying it again now. I don’t know what number this is, but it is the truth of life. That’s why they say it is a learning experience. I shan’t beat myself about another failure. I shall stay aware and do my best until I forget again. I’ve always come back and try again. I am a success story.

So here’s the thing, the stories we tell about ourselves. I’ve had to learn to tell different stories. The old ones weren’t working. They bought me down into a dark abyss. The walls were too slippery for me to climb out of. I don’t want to stay there. I started to call myself the little train that could. I toot my whistle. I switch onto a different track. I want to get to a different place.

So here I sit, still tapping about trains, buses and planes. I’m brainstorming and dreaming of new possibilities. I try not to overthink everything but just be in this moment. I try not to do anything and everything. It’s all right to be still and silent. I listen to the sound of one hand clapping and look at that hole in the donut. I will relax, breathe and contemplate on my navel. I will put one foot in front of the other till the end.

ON A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY

First things first. Good morning and Happy New Year everyone. May our creativity and words flourish and flow for this first month and the rest of the year. I am embarking on the Ultimate Blog Challenge for January 2020. I’m showing up each day of the month with all my sighs and mumblings. I have been away from here, my sit and think place for too long. I have been lost in a dark and joyless place for a little while. My keyboard and words are tools of recovery and navigating the stairway to the light.

The Chinese have a custom of not talking about bad things on New Year Day and other special occasions. It might bring bad luck. We are a superstitious culture. The world can be such a dark place and I have chosen ACCEPT for my word for the year. It is time to push superstition aside and speak of the truth as it is. That is what acceptance is – to embrace what is here and true now. The truth is my heart has been in a hard and barren place. The holiday season had no meaning for me.

That truth is difficult to declare. It’s like blasphemy. In my mind, I’m putting my arms up in defence of being stoned by the masses. But when the meanings are gone, how can I pretend otherwise? Losing meaning wasn’t my choice. It’s what came with the changing tides. There was no pushing them back. The darkness seemed to have exploded into the light of world. They can no longer be hidden, contained and ignored.

Having lost those old sentiments and beliefs that used to sustained me, I must let go and not cling to things that no longer work. I must go forth into this brave new world and find the truths that will work. The happiest moments I have are the ones from my childhood on New Year’s Eve. I’m warm and snug in my bed made of wood planks softened by a quilt. I’m safe and secure while my mother, grandmother and ‘aunties’ are tending the fire with wood and straw in the night. They are making Chinese desserts for the next day. That warmth and sense of security and belonging I felt back then are what I want back.

This month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge is my journey to recover my heart and soul. I’m going to tap my way up the Stairway to Heaven.

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FEAR OF SUCCESS

Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am empty of ideas and words for the page. To tell the truth, I am weary of challenges and trying and plodding forth. In this space and time, I would like to give everything a rest, not to give any thought or effort. In other words, I want to vegetate. But I know it’s not something to strive for. I’ve been spending some time there already. It hasn’t good for my mind. It leads to laziness and not living my best life. I’ve been sleep walking through my days.

I feel sleepiness tugging at me as I sit here tapping away. I sit up taller in the chair, realigning my head and shoulders. It’s as if I’m preparing for meditation. I hear the children’s voices from the daycare two houses away. I can see them playing through the fence slats. The sun is out. It is a beautiful day. I am now awake and in the moment. I’ve been missing too many of such moments, immersed too much in my own thoughts. I have to let in more of the world around me.

I’m struggling to tap out words and thoughts, the things I said I don’t want to do. But the effort is worth the struggle because the goal of this month of April is to see clarity and make progress. Neither is possible languishing and not being home in myself. I see now that I have been absent, not taking responsibility, making excuses, trashing myself, blaming circumstances. I could go on forever. I can see and understand a little now what is meant by fear of success. The fear is also about living up to that if, indeed, I do succeed. It feels safer to be in failure. But I no longer want to dwell in that valley. I can survive a little fear.

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

Oh, the sun is doing a surprise showing and so am I. I broke the habit and it’s tough getting back. It’s that slippery slope. Well, today is yesterday’s tomorrow. It’s here. I haven’t found all my mojos yet. Do I sound like a broken record? I feel very much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day repeatedly. I’m trapped in my own time loop, living in my head too much. When will I wake up – to a new day?

No point in asking rhetorical questions. I still sound them out to see if there’s any anwers. There are none. I have to create my own reality/magic. I wish and wish with all my might. I fold my arms like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie. I blink my eyes and nod my head at the same time. Drat! Nothing. Magic happens only in movies or on TV. Maybe I don’t believe enough. I’ve lost that mojo, too – the magic of belief.

I can’t really give it a rest. That’s what I’ve been doing and all my passions have gone down the tube. Now I have to do the hard work of retrieval. How to begin when I’ve lost all my sentiments and naiveties? Somehow, I’ve lost faith and trust in goodness and kindness. I don’t believe we will be ok in the end, that we and the planet will survive. So then, what is the point?

I gave it some thought. There doesn’t have to be a point. The alternative is not acceptable. I still believe in truths. Maybe they are more powerful than magic. Why don’t I start right here, in the now, with what is true?

BREATHING AS ONE

It’s no exaggeration that this is a very difficult summer for me. Admitting it helps me to navigate it better. It prevents me from overextending myself and setting unrealistic goals. I’ve been waylaid by a summer cold for a month. I’m on the upswing though a bothersome cough pops up now and again. My energy is coming back now that the heat wave have abated. It’s replaced by clouds, rain and cool temperatures. Not all that great either but those are the things out of my control. I do the best with what I have.

I really have nothing to complain about. I am not complaining. My life is not hard at all, not after watching the segment about the new program of end of life care to the homeless in Toronto. What is this thing call life about when a homeless 23 year old woman dies 2 days after entering hospice care? There are so many things we I rather not think about or see – like the homeless and end of life care for LGBT seniors.

So though most news is not good news, I need to get my head out of the sand. It’s time to come up for air, look around and see what’s happening in the world. What can I do? How can I help? We are all connected after all. We, along with every living thing on this planet breathe as one. What happens to one, happens to all. Yes, I’m quoting Caroline Myss, my spiritual compass. She does not mince words. She speaks the truth. I’m seeing and agreeing with her that truth is the most important element.

Being congruent is about truths. It is when your truths are the same coming from your head AND heart. It took me a long time to understand that. Now I get it. It’s slippery. Sometimes it slips away and I have to find it again. That’s with almost everything. Boy, am I no fun or what? Such seriousness but that’s who I am. At least I’ve sidetracked myself from myself and my summer woes – for a little while. Tomorrow is another day. Now for a cup of tumeric tea.

50 SHADES OF SEEING TRUTHS

Egad, it is 11:21 already! The morning flew away on me. Too much wondering and fretting about this and that. I wasn’t going to do that anymore, right? Things are not as easy as you think. People are not who you think they are. It’s ok. I’m just muttering, my preamble into the words. I don’t mean any of it. I am happy to be here. In My Writing Space, I am the star. No one interrupts me. No one contradicts me. I like it.

I think I’ve lost my writing mojo. I feel staid, stale to be exact. I’ve lost my fire, my disagreeable self, the wringing of hands and heart. I try to be careful not to step on toes, doing and saying the proper things. Because life gets tiresome trying to be just yourself, it is easier to be agreeable or silent. Maybe there’s no more words to be said. I’ve been listening to Dr. Phil’s rant too much. ‘Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?’ I want both.

I know this interlude won’t last forever. I’m sure I will return to ranting soon. I am who I am. I might as well enjoy my peace and get a few things done. Enjoy and live every moment! I hate mottos, don’t you? See! My sarcasm has returned. We can’t help being who we are. I do try. It’s another reason I come here to tap. I try to tap out my bad thoughts, emotions. I put them on the page so I can examine them, turn them inside out, upside down, backwards and frontward. Are they true or are they just about me? Will they help or hurt me? Will they hurt another? These are the questions I ask before I hit the PUBLISH button. I know. I think and worry too much.

In essence, I am not really brave as some people have told me. I am being me, yes, but I try to make sure it is all about me and not about others. I have slipped from time to time. What can I do? I am human. I err. While I am a very honest and open person, I do know about discretion. I don’t air dirty laundry, mine or others. Sometimes I am too honest, blurting out truths. You know how that happens. It wouldn’t hurt to hold back by being silent. Mum is a good word.

George Washington might have fessed up about the cherry tree but I wonder what Martha would have to say about him. Honest Abe was known for his honesty, but had he been totally truthful? He was a politician after all. Things are never black and white. That’s what they tell me. I see my truths in startling stark black and white. I’m trying to learn about the 50 shades of grey. That’s why I paint. I’m exploring the many shades of being artistic. I think I am making some progress. Do you think I have some potential?

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE

Good morning sunshine. Another beautiful day greets me as I open my livingroom blinds. I love the gold of autumn leaves and the morning traffic whizzing by. Monday morning at its best. The beginning of another day and week. I had a wonderful night of sleep without the nutmug. I’m also at my best.

I stretched and made myself another cup of tea. I’ve been reading the pros for chia seeds by Food Matters, then the cons by the Paleo Diet. And I heard Caroline Myss screaming in my head, It’s not being vegan or organic. You can eat cat food for all it matters. There’s truths in all. I have to be my own wizard to choose and decide for myself. What works for me? I see better in this morning space – tapping and listening to the quiet.

I’m feeling like Wonder Woman now that I got my sleep back. Yes, Autumn is beautiful with the sunshine, its golds, oranges and browns. But it can be a trickster with its heavy cloudy periods and shorter daylight. I have to be careful and trickier to balance living in both. They each have their pros and cons.

HUMBLE PIE – Day 134 in a year of…

Day 134 – December 6, 2016 @8:40 pm

Sometimes I am arrogant in my happiness of the moment. You know what will happen. I got knocked down. It is okay. Everything passes. Everything changes. I am in a year of doing different, making changes. I am not going down that same road of reaction to the moment. I am eating humble pie. I bow my head in acquiesce. Once more I am listening to spiritual guidance.

Always, I seek the truth. I need to purge what is not true. I am getting a grip on myself. I am not special. I am just an ordinary human on this planet living a humble life. I am governed by the rules of this planet. Not everything is about me. I’m trying to discover what my beliefs are. What are my truths? What changes do I need to make to align myself with my truths? How can I act congruently?

Hmm. Enough self contemplation. God is not ready to deliver all the answers tonight. But I am listening. I’m open for guidance. But it’s time to say good night.

MY SHADOW AND ME – AugustMoon day 4

So I had a conversation with my shadow the other day. She finally caught up to me – my dark sister, my ugly twin. All my life she’s dogged me – beside me, behind me. I had ignored her, looking at her sideways. Sometimes I glanced back at her. But I’ve never looked directly at nor have I acknowledged her.

What is this aversion I have towards my shadowy self? Is it because she whispers half truths and lies in my ears and tries to scare the hell out of me? Do I have to jump out of my skin every time she whispers BOO! ? So I am not perfect. I am wilful and stubborn. I am grumpy and ill-tempered and a scarity cat. But am I really? Is it true? And does that make me unlovable? I tell you, I am tired of living under my dark sister’s shadow.

I told her, too! I brought her forth into the light. I needed her within me, to help and guide me. Together we are the yin and yang. You can’t have one without the other. You really can’t. Have you heard of one hand clapping?

A LITTLE CANADA, A LITTLE FRANCE

It’s 6 o’clock Monday morning. I’m having my first cup of Chai since coming home. It’s hot and I can faintly taste its spiciness. The thing with a cold is it kills your taste buds and your sense of smell. My tongue feels like sandpaper. My head feels full of cotton batting. No matter. Hot tea is good going down my throat.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling better. I think the nature of the cold is changing. My cough is less frequent but harsher when it comes. I hear myself wheezing. Will I live? There is a relief in being really sick. I can give myself permission for doing or not doing. So – here I sit in my pink bathroom. My hair is standing on end, almost tomahawk style, looking and feeling like hell. Somehow that feels good. I’m comforted by the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard.

Canada is experiencing so much drama recently. First there’s the killing of a soldier by a ‘terrorist’ in Ottawa. Then yesterday, news of CBC’s firing of Jian Ghomeshi hit the air waves. It’s a case of sex, scandal and she said, he said with no women coming forward publicly. BUT seeds of doubt have been planted. I feel myself being swayed in one direction, then another. You know what they say, where’s there’s smoke, there’s fire.

I am sure we all have been in situations of you said, I said. They may not be the same high stake situation that Jian Ghomeshi is in, but aren’t all truths costly? Each of us have to weigh how much ‘the truth’ is worth and be willing to pay the consequences.

I had an epiphany recently about the truth of you said, I said. We all wanted to be right and I want the other person see my right as his. That is impossible because he wants the same, that I see his right as mine. It’s an impasse. A little something nudged me. Maybe I was hearing Dr. Phil saying: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I chose my well being over being right. The truth does not set you free.

So much about Canada and truths, let me move on with my musings while in France. The slow Internet had interrupted my postings.

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It’s Tuesday in France. I’m here and tapping some of my thought and feelings. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in foreign country and in a foreign household. The language is different but we are managing somehow with our broken words and sentences and gestures. We have more similarities than differences. We are all human.

The village is small, containing over a hundred some inhabitants. The streets are mostly empty on all our walks. A dog and a cat greets us once in awhile. I can hear the echo of our shoes on the street. Life is a leisurely pace here. We hear the chime of the church bells signalling noon as we climb up and down the hillsides.

We are back at the house. After some time we leave to have lunch at the truck stop. It is a popular place for everyone, truckers and non truckers. There are separate dining rooms for each as the truckers have to eat quicker and be on the road. The rest of us can take our time.

For 13 Euros each, we have a buffet of salads – as much as we want . It consists of a selection of cold meats, fish, shrimp, cheeses, fruits and vegetables. We get to choose a main course from 4 selections or ‘the plate of the day’. This is followed by a selection of cheeses and dessert. Also included : a 1/2 carafe of wine , coffee or tea. This takes a bit of time.

Finally we are finished with the courses of our meals. It is a grey and rainy day in France. We go on a tour of a high technology company where they make parts for airplanes. Metal is cut using laser and water. It is all very fascinating but I am sure it has more meaning for the men than me. It makes me see how different our brains are, how non tech I am. I can only blink and scratch my head at what I saw.

So goes our days – a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Then it’s the evening meal. It’s usually 8 pm and after. If you need time and space to be, France is the country to come. That is my experience anyways.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

truths