ON A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY

First things first. Good morning and Happy New Year everyone. May our creativity and words flourish and flow for this first month and the rest of the year. I am embarking on the Ultimate Blog Challenge for January 2020. I’m showing up each day of the month with all my sighs and mumblings. I have been away from here, my sit and think place for too long. I have been lost in a dark and joyless place for a little while. My keyboard and words are tools of recovery and navigating the stairway to the light.

The Chinese have a custom of not talking about bad things on New Year Day and other special occasions. It might bring bad luck. We are a superstitious culture. The world can be such a dark place and I have chosen ACCEPT for my word for the year. It is time to push superstition aside and speak of the truth as it is. That is what acceptance is – to embrace what is here and true now. The truth is my heart has been in a hard and barren place. The holiday season had no meaning for me.

That truth is difficult to declare. It’s like blasphemy. In my mind, I’m putting my arms up in defence of being stoned by the masses. But when the meanings are gone, how can I pretend otherwise? Losing meaning wasn’t my choice. It’s what came with the changing tides. There was no pushing them back. The darkness seemed to have exploded into the light of world. They can no longer be hidden, contained and ignored.

Having lost those old sentiments and beliefs that used to sustained me, I must let go and not cling to things that no longer work. I must go forth into this brave new world and find the truths that will work. The happiest moments I have are the ones from my childhood on New Year’s Eve. I’m warm and snug in my bed made of wood planks softened by a quilt. I’m safe and secure while my mother, grandmother and ‘aunties’ are tending the fire with wood and straw in the night. They are making Chinese desserts for the next day. That warmth and sense of security and belonging I felt back then are what I want back.

This month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge is my journey to recover my heart and soul. I’m going to tap my way up the Stairway to Heaven.

MY DEFECTIVE HARD DRIVE

December 12, 2018 8:23 am

We’re steadily heading towards the shortest day of the year. It’s no surprise that it’s dark out and the house lights are on. I know I’m harping on the darkness. It’s my brain. It’s better I ventilate and let out the darkness. Hoarding it inside would only make it grow.

7:57 pm

I can’t say that the day was a success or that it went badly. It was heavy and sluggish. I just put one foot in front of the other and proceeded forward ho. It helps to have a routine. I move according to program. I vacuumed as much as I had time before leaving for my exercise class this morning. I’m finding it very therapeutic, doing something that is needed instead of squandering the time away. It’s surprising how much one can do in minutes. It gives me structure and time later to work on something or languish as desired.

I struggled through the step aerobics even with an instructor shouting out instructions. My brain is malfunctioning and I am not feeling exactly gleeful and lightfooted. I did the best I could. Sometimes I adjusted my speed, repeat times 2 instead of 3. What the hell. I was moving and that’s what counts. I don’t have to enjoy it. My brain is not cooperating. It is not my fault. I still sweated. Does that count? I still walked Sheba in the afternoon. I kept thinking of taking a shorter walk the whole time. But I didn’t.

Today hasn’t been a ton of fun but I’m not crying either. It is what it is. This, too, shall pass. I’m still upright, looking normal and doing what I normally do. I’m reading a thriller, The Girl From Home. It’s exactly what my brain needs, something easy to grab onto. I tinkered a bit with my free motion embroidery after lunch. After working on machine embroidery for awhile, it is harder to go back to. I have to reset how I see and make a picture. I have to wing it on my own. No computerized motiff, no perfect programmed stitches. I am the computer, one without a program and a defective hard drive.

LONG AND WINDING ROAD – day 127 – 129 in a year of…

Day 127 – 129 – December 1, 2016 @5:32 pm

A few days have slipped by. I’ve been absent from this space but I’m here now. That’s how it is in real life. Some days we go missing and we will have to find our way back – if it is important. It is. The pages of the calendar keep turning. It is now December. The days are getting shorter, the nights longer. Soon it will be Winter Solstice. After that the reverse will happen. Life in cycles.

In this year of doing different, I am sojourning forward – out of the fear and the darkness. There’s light at the other end of the tunnel. I am in the desert. It’s where I am suppose to be. I have things to learn. I am safe for I am with me. The road is long and winding. The challenges beckon. Come on. Take one step. Then another.

Knit one. Purl one. Keep going. You will figure out the pattern. One row. Then another and another. There – now you have a sweater. Now you have a life. Wear it. Live it. It is yours. Tomorrow you will wake and rise to face another challenge.

IN DARKNESS

It is true we all begin our journey in the darkness, in the womb of our mothers. We leave its safety and burst forth into the light and the world with a grand wailing. I am feeling it is how we enter each new venture. It is with trepidation and delight – like a child screaming going down a water slide. Oh the fear and exhilaration! Let me not lose either.

I feel the safety wrapped in the arms of darkness, feeling the closeness of my neighbours’ prescence around the campfire. The stars come one by one. The flames crackle and leap. The wine is poured. The conversations begin. Slowly the barriers recede. We recognize each other. I look up into the night sky. It is alive with stars winking and twinkling down upon us.

JUST ONE THING

Life sometimes doesn’t start till 10 some mornings, or I should say most mornings lately. The darkness presses down on me and I am happy to stay in bed, listening to Sheba being fed, smelling the rich aroma of coffee being made. I snuggle deeper into the comforter. What is there to do anyways in the dark?

I am unable to think or feel beyond the sensation of nothingness. Of course it is impossible to stay in bed indefinitely. One can get bored in the void. I reason that there must be others like me. I cannot be the only one.

So I sighed and threw back the covers and swung my legs over the edge. The simple act of doing this one thing led to other things….getting dressed, brushing my teeth, washing my face. In other words it led to what is call living.

Sometimes it takes a lot of effort of putting one foot in front of the other. You have to train and practice until it becomes a habit. After that you can put one foot in front of the other even when you think your life stinks.

It’s taken me a long time to get here. I have cried and whined a river and an ocean. But nobody can live my life for me except me so I have to haul my own ass out of bed, dress and show up every morning in person. Man, it’s hard!

THE CHANGING OF THE CLOTH

Christmas is over. My table is empty of food but my heart is full. I have been silent this last while, resting and catching my breath. It is not just from the holiday season but maybe from my whole life.

Sometimes it is good to be silent and let things be. Let the dust of life settle on its own. The picture might be clearer in the end. But I can see that it’s slightly askew. No matter. It is still a pretty picture. A little touch will straighten it out. We all need those little touches. We want those touches, those caresses, hugs and pats on the head.

The mornings are still so cold and dark even though the days are suppose to be getting longer. In the darkness before I rise, dark thoughts come into my head. I know they are not real and yet sometimes they drag me down. I try not to linger in its gloom. I get up and begin the routine of another day.

My qigong movements do not feel smooth and flowing. It is difficult to be in the moment with the breath but I do my best anyways. It is -30 C this morning but I put on my winter gear and head out of the door with Sheba in tow. The sun is out, the air chilled but no wind.

And now, here I am, a cup of hot chocolate beside me, tap, tapping away. I have found my voice again. The darkness is gone and I am bathed in sunlight. 2013 is almost gone. To welcome the new year, I have put out something new and bright. It is the tradition of my ancestors. Let us look forward to happiness and prosperity. Gong Hey Fat Choy!

SILENT IS THE NIGHT

So he is over there at the center of the earth, and I’m over here near Santa’s hideout. We are both in darkness in this moment. The sun will come up for him in one hour. The rooster will crow. And I will be heading to bed.

We talked on the phone earlier in the day. He could have been just as well be in Maidstone, Saskatchewan. The line was that clear except he couldn’t quite get in his truck and be here in two hours because there’s an ocean between us. So we talked and hung up. He went to swim in the ocean. I bundled up in my winter gear, Sheba in her fur, for our daily walk.

The house is silent. Sheba is still. I breathe. All is well.

HEART OF WINTER

We are in the heart of winter. It is dark, dark outside. My little Buddha is shivering in the snow. Sunrise is not till 8:59, another hour yet. Yesterday, the sun did not come out at all.

It would be so easy to hibernate like the bears, but duty and nature calls. Sheba is quite insistent. She KNOWS she is hungry and she’s not letting anyone sleep in. You try to quiet your bladder, but after awhile you know you have to get up. So you throw those covers back and step onto the cold floor. And another day starts.

I’m not feeling up to snuff. My eyes are gummed up and my mouth feels grainy and dry, like the Sahara Desert. I am achy, throaty and tired. Welcome back, SINUSITIS, my old friend. Your ways are familiar to me now. I can function quite well with you on my back even though you try your hardest to drag me down.

So, I’m not so speedy or quite as organized as usual. Is there a race on and are we in a hurry? Or is there an emergency? It is good that there are seasons and times for everything….times to work and times to rest, times to speed and times to slow. We all know how that song goes, but do we listen and hear it?

I’m feeling like hell now. So I sit back, take my glasses off and rub my eyes. I breathe and sip my tea. Sheba is on her mat besides me. Animals do absorb and ease our distress and discomfort by being with you and being just themselves. Often we take them for granted but they are always so happy to see us when we come back, even if we’ve gone for a few minutes.They accept us as we are. There is no judgement.

I would do well if I could learn from Sheba’s ways….let people know I appreciate them, live in the moment, letting go of minutes, hours, days, years past, of things of little consequence. Perhaps that’s her purpose…to keep reminding me of the excitement of life, to keep wagging my tail. The sun will come again. Ahh, there it is now, shining over my shoulder, lighting my world! And I have done well in this heart of the winter.

Sometimes when there is no feeling good in your body or mind, you have to go back in your memories for those feelings and live as if. That is what I did this morning, remembering the pleasure of the cup of hot chocolate, making soup, baking bread. I remember my body opened up, seeing Sheba running out to greet me when I came home from work Monday evening, tired and stressed. Her wagging tail, smile and nuzzling work miracles in easing the tension in my being.

Everything does turn, turn, turn. Nothing stays the same. This, too, shall pass. And for everything, there is a purpose under heaven. Breakfast is done, dishes cleared and the dishwasher is turning and turning.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

darkness