It is the last day of August and last day for AugustMoon 2015. It has been a wonderful few weeks of writing. These weeks of reflection have given me rest and pause to see with more clarity into the world and life as it is. I am surrounded by sunlight streaming through the woods as I sit here tap, tapping on my keyboard. I am happy and at ease.
We had a super moon last night coming home from our friends’ house in the woods.In light of the full moon, our path was lit.It was easy to take a step without stumbling over roots and such. The trick in life is taking a step forward in the dark, not knowing what lies ahead.
But if you can suck it in and take that bold first step, it gets easier.Your eyes get accustomed to the dark.You lose some of the fear.You can relax a little.Your shoulders come down and you can breathe. You can think. You might find that there is nothing to be afraid of.There are no boogey men or demons behind every tree.It’s only your shadow. I have learned to take that bold first step. It was terrifying and exhilarating like riding the roller coaster at the fair. It is very worth the ride.
When I hear the words ‘lit up from within’ what immediately comes to mind is a fire eater. I wonder if that is where the term ‘fire in the belly’ comes from. You would certainly be lit up. And if you walk on fire, you’ll be dancing as well.
I am not an exuberant type of a gal. I am not comfortable displaying joy, elation – my fireworks. Neither am I a good dancer, a fire walker or eater. But what lights me from the inside out are words and pictures. Words paint pictures and pictures talk to me in words. I love your pictures and words as well as my own. Together they allow us to know each other a little better. They can speak across the room, the street, towns….oceans.
Even though I am a reserved person, the magic of words and pictures can ignite a fire within, bring a grin to my face. I might even kick up my heels in delight. One can never tell.
Writing from the woods on this second last day of August, I am lit up within, finding my words and pictures. Sending thanks to the Universe and my readers. Gratitude to Alana Lawson of wolfandword.net for this writing forum of August Moon 2015.
You have always been the brightest star in my sky from the moment I began as a speck in your womb. You have nourished and nurtured me with your body until my birth.
We were one. Then we became two. You forgot that sometimes but that’s okay. It’s the being human and the mother in you. It’s hard to let go and watch me stumble, fall and bruise myself. It’s part of learning for both of us. It hurts for only a little while. I can get up and dust myself off.
Though I can feel you in my bones, in the marrow of my body, we are separate beings. Sometimes I forget and feel I have to protect you from hurts. That’s being human and the daughter in me. I forgot you knew how to get up and dust yourself off long before I could. It’s allowed – this being human and caring for each other. We are doing the best we can.
Writing from the woods, one can see life’s brightest stars. The sky is not obscured with city noise, lights, distractions and pollutions. August is almost over. I can feel, see and hear the autumn around me – the beauty of changing seasons.
I love the power of music to lift the spirits. On another day, I would probably head to the stereo and put on K. D. Lang’s Hallelujah and let her voice carry me up, over, and beyond. Most likely I would put on Sachmo’s What a Wonderful World. His raspy voice is as beautiful and stirring as K.D.’s. I could very well sing, sway and dance along with Miss Carol Channing, Well hello Dolly, well hello Dolly…
However, today I am putting on the quiet, listening to the music of silence. I am listening to the colours of the rainbow around me. It is so strengthening for the heart and soothing to the soul. The whole orchestra is playing. Hear the joy.
There’s no love like first love. What woman can forget her first? It is all true – the silly things they say and sing about. I have felt it all. I can admit it now. I’m old enough. I can talk about it without embarrassment.
I remembered that moment of standing in the doorway. The room was crowded and dimly lit. Music was softly playing. My eyes furtively scanned the room. I was caught by a pair of brown eyes looking straight at me. He was very handsome and smiling at me.
I glanced over my shoulder. Was there someone behind me? Surely it wasn’t me he was smiling at. I had my hand over my heart and a question on my face. Who, me? You want me? He smiled and walked over. In that moment I felt luminous. The room stood still. The noise fell silent into the background. There was only me, standing and looking at him, thinking it can’t be true.
I am remembering all this after many years. I see it so clearly – the blue dress I wore, the friend I was with. She was the one who kept pushing me to ‘pick up’ a guy. But she was miserable towards me after. I hardly noticed. I had a prince charming.
I am so enjoying writing for August Moon. It’s great time for slowing down and reflecting on life, enjoying all the colours and nuances it has to offer. I am learning to appreciate and love myself better in the process.
I sat outside and told my secrets to the moon. She listened with full attention, nodding and smiling. I talked and talked, not stopping for a breath. At long last I fell silent, empty of secrets. I realized then the moon had not said a word. Silence was her reply.
How wise she was! Had she any advice to give, would I have heeded? So burdened and distraught I was, I would not have or wanted to listen to another. I would have argued and argued. I would have fought.
Her silence allowed me room to vent, to air my secrets and dissipate the distress they brought with them. I felt spent but relieved. I looked up and smiled. The moon smiled back. I was looking at my own reflection – Sister Moon.
I pull back the curtains and I see that it had rained. The wet pavement glisten under the street lights. Water cascades in front of the headlights as cars sped down the street.
I watch the world outside from the darkness of my living room window. It is a peaceful interlude. The harshness and sharpness of the day are gone, replaced by the soft tranquility of the night. In this moment, I can feel the world breathing as one.
I can see only as far as the night allows me. No use in trying to pierce beyond the darkness even if I can see the man in the moon. It would be just as silly as trying to see into the future. And yet, we try to do that all the time, don’t we? Well, no more of that for me! I will try no more to go beyond the light nor worry into the future. That is, until the next time when I have forgotten my words.
There is something about twilight that makes me feel comfy and at ease. The sun has set. The day is done. Time to put away toil and fret. Time to put up my feet, watch the evening sky and feel the gentle breeze on my face.
I lean back against the chair. Silence is around me. I take a sip of wine. I taste its rich redness in my mouth, then the smoothness going down my throat. I sigh softly in satisfaction. There is nothing but this sweetness on my tongue and the sight before my eyes. No need to think, analyze, worry or puzzle over the day or life. This moment is for being in the senses. It will be gone and tomorrow will come soon enough. For now I am here.
I could see a light in the distance but I wasn’t sure if I could make it that far. Should I try anyways, not knowing? Should I or shouldn’t I? The tug of war begins. I am worn out before the journey begins.
The light is waning. I am losing resolve. My ugly sister whispers in my ear. Loser, you can’t do it! I do not shush her. I let the words sink in. Is it true that I can’t do it? Would that make me a loser? I feel anger rising up towards her, towards myself.
I breathe. The anger is gone and so is the hesitation. I take one step forward, remembering what my great, great, great forefather said. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. The light brightens with each step I take. It beckons me forth. I am getting closer and closer. I realize then that the light is a guide and not the end. Success lies in trying and beginning.
So I had a conversation with my shadow the other day. She finally caught up to me – my dark sister, my ugly twin. All my life she’s dogged me – beside me, behind me. I had ignored her, looking at her sideways. Sometimes I glanced back at her. But I’ve never looked directly at nor have I acknowledged her.
What is this aversion I have towards my shadowy self? Is it because she whispers half truths and lies in my ears and tries to scare the hell out of me? Do I have to jump out of my skin every time she whispers BOO! ? So I am not perfect. I am wilful and stubborn. I am grumpy and ill-tempered and a scarity cat. But am I really? Is it true? And does that make me unlovable? I tell you, I am tired of living under my dark sister’s shadow.
I told her, too! I brought her forth into the light. I needed her within me, to help and guide me. Together we are the yin and yang. You can’t have one without the other. You really can’t. Have you heard of one hand clapping?