Month: February 2023

RABBIT HOLES and SLIPPERY SLOPES

 

Today is a cool and breezy day after the unusual warm spells we’ve had in the new year. I’m happily esconced in my sunny sunroom watching Bones on Prime Video. Murder mysteries is my rabbit hole/escape hatch from everything that needs escaping. Bones is  perfect. It has crime, intrigue, humour, romance and science. It leaves me feeling good afterwards. I do try to keep it in check, allowing myself 2 episodes max at any one time. I do have an addiction disorder. I don’t want to let time roll away on me. After all, there’s real life to be lived.

I do have another addiction that also gives me a sense of well being. Can you guess what? I post photos on social media about it almost every day. It is cross country skiing. I almost feel embarrassed about how much I love it. Why do I love it so much? It is a solitary activity like swimming. I’m not good at either so they challenge me. I have no athletic talent whatsoever. In public school I failed tumbling. I was not on the track or volley ball team. Back in the days, swimming was a mandatory university class. I failed it but not university. I did drop out though – university that is. I was a very matured adult when I took up swimming again and a senior when I took up skiing.

I guess you can say I’m in my second childhood. The second time around is better. I have a little more confidence. I’m not as easily embarrassed or care if I look stupid. I’m not competitive. I race only against myself. Skiing has taught me alot about life. There are slippery slopes everywhere. It is risky, life and skiing. Much as I love it, I’m always a little nervous before I go. I’m never raring and tearing to go at it. I’m the reluctant scarity cat, dragging my tail. Heading out in the car, there’s this video playing in my head about my fears and where I will fall. Once I’m on the track, I feel better and when I start out to meet the rising sun, a contented sigh goes through me. That is,  until I come to a slippery slope. Uphill is a physical struggle. Down hill is a heart dropping free fall. I take a deep breath at the top, focus keeping my knees and ankles soft, give a little push and mutter my prayers. I never get comfortable enough that I don’t go through all the same thoughts and feelings each and every time. It’s a good thing. I will never lose the edge or the love. It’s the way I want to live my life, too. 

There are days when I don’t feel that brave or strong. I have my rabbit holes along the ski trail where I can circumvent my scary spots. I just follow the rabbit tracks. In the words of Mary Oliver,  I do not have to be good. I do not have to walk on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. I only have to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves.

 

 

 

WHATEVER IT TAKES

Lately when I go out for breakfast with the girls, I’ve been forgetting to ask for decaffinated coffee. I forgot again yesterday, remembering only after I’m halfway through my cup. I thought, Oh, what the heck. I can live a little dangerously. It was so good I had a second cup. I think I’m paying the price today. Though I had no problem getting to sleep, I couldn’t stay asleep the whole night. Nature called at 3:40 am and after that I couldn’t get back to sleep. At 5 I finally got up. I might was well have a cup of tea and do something useful.

Though I had almost 5 hours of sleep, it’s not enough to be on top of the game. Good thing I’m not a brain surgeon. My head is thick and foggy. After breakfast, I had the dishwasher stacked, put in the soap and even ran the tap till the water was starting to warm. I turned off the tap and walked away without turning the dishwasher on. Not a big deal. I’ll run it after lunch. Hope we got enough cutlery or else I have to wash a couple by hand. My morning is not totally disastrous. I got a start on homework for my art class. My present state of  being foggy and loose might be good for that. I didn’t fuss about being exact and perfect. It’s a good time to experiment and play.

The coffee gave me energy yesterday. It gave me enough oomph to clear and dust my whole desktop. It’s not perfect but pretty amazing. I haven’t been able to do it for a long, long time. It was dragging me down. Losing a few hours of sleep was worth it. I even had enough energy to spare to work in the greenhouse a bit. Every little bit and snip adds up. I can see that I will be having a very busy spring and summer. Getting the seeds started and the greenhouse cleared and set up is a big priority. I cannot afford to be feeling maudlin, wishy washy and falling back into my old clutterbug ways. I need a daily plan of to do’s. I want to stay focused and on top of my life. I do not want to get blown every which way by whim or chance. I want to be the captain.

I’m lucky that there’s YouTube. I’m lucky someone suggested Cas of Clutterbug to me. I’ve done just a quick check on her but I can already see that she can be of great help IF I DO the job instead of just reading her posts and watching the videos. This video – The Best Home Organizing Ideas for 2023 – is very good to begin with. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to let go of useless clutter, whether they be things, thoughts or habits in order to have a life I want.

HOW SHALL I LIVE

 

These days life feels so uncertain and full of perils. I awoke with a feeling of unease. How shall I live? How shall I go on? These questions were in my mind and body. I shivered with them for I know that I cannot go back to what was – back to the old normal. It’s a frightening realization in the dark of the early morning. It freezes and immobilizes me. I cannot remain there. It is not sustainable. I have to work myself out of that mindset. I am grateful to receive these words from Caroline Myss this morning.

“These are perilous and challenging times. But they’re important times and it’s a great gift to be alive now because we all have a role to play in moving our species ahead to its next state of awareness and consciousness.”

It’s from an email about her new Reflections course with Matthew Fox called The Fire Within. It’s based on the life and writing of John of the Cross. The course consist of 6 lessons of 90 minutes each. I have enrolled. At $150 US, it is cheaper and more helpful than therapy. It starts Tuesday, February 7.

Meanwhile, I shall toddle along as best as I can. Bruce Lipton is another person I go to for inspiration. His video on How to Manifest Your Vision was quite helpful. It worked for me yesterday to begin with the end in mind. What was it that I want? Yesterday, I wanted to bake bread, chop up ginger to freeze, juice my bag of 8 limes and wash the kitchen and bathroom floors. How did I make all that come true? In the morning, I bought out my mixing bowl and laid out the ginger and bag of lime so I wouldn’t forget. The floors I don’t have to worry about forgetting. They irked me every day. Sometimes it is easy to want and to set intentions. It’s another to do and get it done. It’s easier when you set things out and they’re staring right at you. Do me! Do me! And so I did.

I better quit while I’m still ahead. This post is mostly written. My head is somewhat out of a dark place. It’s time for me to play a little with my pencils and paints.

 

 

 

CHANGING FOR SUCCESS

A sleepy February afternoon. I shall try not to let it slip mindlessly away. Though I don’t have anything particular on my agenda, I can always put in some efforts on tidying, sowing some pepper, eggplant and tomato seeds. February being a short month March can be here in a whisper. I don’t want to be caught saying, Oh, why didn’t I do this or that? I’ve been watching Serina and Ian of You Can’t Eat the Grass on Youtube again. They are a young couple trying to make a go of farming. They share everything – their dreams, hard work, how much money they are making or not making. They’re very inspiring. So when I feel discouraged about anything in life, I think of them. So I will get some seeds potted up today.

 

I had a dream last night. It was about work. I’ve been retired 9 years now. The dreams that I remember on waking up are work related. Like most dreams, they don’t make sense. Why would there be a rack of bras on a hospital ward? But there was one and I took a pair of scissors and tampered with one. It was a no-no so I was trying to hide and get rid of the scissors. I hid it under my clothes and was trying to get out of the hospital to dump it. And here’s a funny recurring thing in all my hospital dreams. The staircase and the way out are all the same in all my dreams. They are long and confusing and I can never get back  to the ward by the same route. 

I’m looking towards making changes for success so I’ve trotted downstairs and prepped some soil for potting up some seeds. I’ve found the pepper, eggplant and tomato seeds. It took some digging around to find them. That’s what happens when you are a clutterbug and let things fall where you drop. I am changing my ways. I am taking time to find homes for everything. To keep on track and on top of things for my drawing class, I’ve gathered my reference photos for my homework. This hoody selfie will be used in the gridwork exercise. First I will have to make a grid on tracing paper and put it over the photograph. Next, I will have to make a distortion grid to make my drawing. Sounds hard and complicated, doesn’t it?

Our drawing instructor is away for 2 weeks. We do have enough homework to keep us busy. Since I have been talking about my time in Ghana, I thought I would do a series of drawings/paintings from photographs of that time. Here are some of my reference photos.

I think this is enough for today. I’ve already written a post today but when words and thoughts flow, they are a gift not to be wasted.

THE END

January 31. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’ve finally arrived at the end of January and the UBC. Have I accomplished all that I set out to do? Well, mostly. I’ve shown up almost every day, missing maybe a handful. Did I have fun? Yes! I made that a prerequisite.

February 1. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I didn’t have enough in me yesterday to finish. I had a block. There was no flow, no words or thoughts. There was no fun. Rather than struggle and trying to push through it all, I let it go. I’m back to close up January and the Challenge. It’s been fast. It’s been slow. It’s long and then it’s gone like a flash. That’s how it is. That’s how life is. It’s a good reminder – to make the moments count. When the struggle is great, let go a little if possible and appropriate. In my art class, we’re instructed to do all work as potential Quality or Selected Artworks. Experiement, explore, revisit, reconstruct and refine. I like that approach in my writing also.

It’s been a good month and a good challenge with a diversified group. Lots of interaction and learning from each other. This is the end of the January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I look forward to the next one in a few months. Meanwhile, I shall babble on in my space. I’m a retired nurse. Perhaps I shall mumble about my experience. I had a dream last night – about nursing. It went as all dreams do. It didn’t make much sense. In waking life, I don’t think of myself as a nurse any more. But they make up most of my dreams. Is that telling? Maybe they need to be told, so I can let go of that role in my dreams, to be truly free. Till next time.