Month: February 2018

SAYING IT AS IT IS

Some days I don’t want to show up – anywhere, for anyone or anything. I think there are others feeling the same as me. I did showed up for my step aerobics class this morning. Some didn’t. I used to envy the kids with their summer camps at the YWCA. I wished that there was one for us adults. I liked to be led, entertained, fed and have all my needs looked after. Then I realized that is what is called an all inclusive vacation. I decided that is not what I want after all.

I am feeling better though I felt doubtful on rising. But all things do pass as they say. Put sick/flu/yucky out of your head! I tell myself. It worked. I put my mind towards feeling well. My body didn’t feel as heavy. My gait was lighter. I didn’t push myself to work at a 9/10 but I kept moving steadily. I worked up a sweat. It’s good not to whine though I feel like whining now. I do it silently, to myself.

You wouldn’t think I have anything to whine about. It’s warm and sunny. It got up to +1 degrees C for a little while. The snow is melting fast. The streets are a little messier, baring dog poop lazy dog owners didn’t pick up. Really disgusting and no excuse! I wonder if they bother wiping their kids’ bums after doing their business. Yes, I am a bit touchy. I wouldn’t say stuff like that anywhere but here. This is my domain, my safe haven.

I’m learning that if I want to get anything done, I shouldn’t pick up a thriller. If I get hooked, I can’t put it down. I read the book that got a whole bunch of bad reviews in two days. I couldn’t get into the book that did get lots of good ones. It’s back in the library now. Different strokes for different folks.

I feel like I’m chattering about nothing. I probably am – avoiding, procrastinating and all that. It’s not a bad thing. It gives me time to let things sit for awhile until I’m comfortable facing/dealing/or whatever that I need to do. Not everything is an emergency, you know.

 

UNPLUGGED

Snoopy

I’m giving serious thought on as how to unplug and undo the unwants in me. Life is short as they say. I’m not getting any younger. Why hang on to my uglies with tooth and nail? There’s some benefits to being down with the flu or the winter blues. It slows down life and me with it. It adds weight to everything. Greys are heavier, pressing down on my shoulders. Sunlight is more brilliant, showing up all the dust and lint and Sheba’s chalky footprints on the hardwood floor. Things that nauseate me sickens me more. It’s impetus enough to want change.

The first step is to stop envying everybody else. It is wasteful energy. Logically, the second step is to come back to myself. I am seldom home, within my body or mind. Nobody’s asked me, but I have been living in other people’s lives. It’s not because I’m such an ultruistic person. It’s out of habit and it is easier than dealing with myself. It’s not true that you can never go home again. I am going to find my way back to the one who needs me the most – me. I’ve began the journey many times, but have never passed GO. So here goes!

The third step is Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself/ How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One.  The title had caught my eye a few years ago and I bought the ebook format. But I haven’t read it being on the Kindle app. It has a lot of bad as well as good reviews. Some people called him a quack. He’s a chiropractor. I’ve learned that other people’s reviews don’t always hold true for me. The title is enough of a stimulus for change.

Already I broke my habit of another cup of tea/decaf coffee. I’ve had 3 cups already and don’t need anymore. Instead I had water with my snack of an orange and a piece of cheese. I’m reading Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart. It’s about a woman suffering from severe brain injury and PSTD. It received alot of bad reviews from readers on Goodreads but I’m finding it very good. It’s fiction but the brain injury information is very interesting. I’m sure the author did factual research into the subject. I’m thinking: If an injured brain can rewire and relearn, so can I. It’s an exciting thought – reinventing myself. Why not?

What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.  ~ Napoleon Hill ~

UNBECOMING MYSELF

Beginning anything is hard until I make a start. Do you find it so? Well, here I am. I’ve tapped out the first line, starting the second. Really it would be so easy to stay in my comfy loveseat and sink into Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart, a thriller. I’m captured after a few pages and so surprised to see it got lots of bad reviews. I have dropped Ali Smith’s Winter for now. It’s beginning is depressing as everything was dead! “God was dead: to begin with. And romance was dead. Chivalry was dead. Poetry, the novel, painting, they were all dead, and art was dead. Theatre and cinema were both dead. Literature was dead. ” I’m having trouble getting into it. I will persist a bit longer. It got alot of good reviews. Go figure!

My week got off to a good start this morning. I made it to my exercise class after a 2-week absence. I was relieved to learn that someone else had the same malady I did of extreme fatigue. Even though we had no cough, etc. it was a flu of some sort. I was feeling a bit of a fake, doubting my own physiology. Was I just depressed, wanting to avoid/escape things? Good to know I was not. So I didn’t push myself too hard. As long as I was moving my body, it was good enough. I have to remember that I am no spring chicken. Moderation in everything.

Winter is still under my skin. Two more days left in February. I’m trying to get past everything. But I am sick of listening to myself whine and whine. How can I stop? How can I unbecome myself? What don’t I like about myself? Those are hard questions to answer right now. Right now I am envious of everybody else. Seems like ‘they’ are much ‘better’ than me. I know, I’m seeing through wintry late-afternoon sunglasses. My outlook can change any time soon – maybe tomorrow. But in the meantime I can give some thoughts as to how I would like to see myself. What parts do I want to rid? What do I want to incorporate? How can I become undone? Where is Tinker Bell when I need a transformation?

C is for COMPLACENT, K is for KICKASS

This is the end of my alphabet serie, I promise – for awhile anyways. It’s hard to drop a good thing. Sue Grafton’s “alphabet series” is a kickass when I fall into a complacent mood. I want to emulate her character, Kinsey Millhone, my ideal of a kickass detective and single woman. I love the full cast of characters in her novels, especially Henry, Kinsey’s landlord. I’m getting to be quite a fan of Grafton.  She is very interesting. Too bad I’m such a Joanie come lately. She passed away on December 28, 2017 at the age of 77. Her alphabet stopped at Y is for Yesterday. I haven’t read it yet but I’ve requested it from the library.

Winter Everything gets under my skin from time to time. It’s helpful to have tools that can propel me out of the pit into light on those dark days. I am delighted to add Grafton’s detective series to my toolbox. It’s so easy to fall into complacency, not care and just watch the dirt grow between my toes. It’s not a pretty sight or place to be. I use whatever tools I can to stay aloft. Sometimes it’s Wonder Woman. Snoopy works, too. Now I can add Kinsey Millhone to the list. Have detective, will travel.

It’s late. My brain is overworked and tired. Let me end on a high note rather than a low one. I hope to wake up rested and bushy eyed tomorrow. I hope to make it to my exercise class in the morning. Let me rephrase that. I will make it to my exercise class in the morning. I want to kickass.

S IS FOR STUDENT AND SATURDAY

It’s Saturday, my favourite day of the week. It is sunny and warm , -1 Celsius at the moment. Maybe now the warmer temperatures will prevail.  2018 is the most difficult February I have experienced in a long while. Even being sunny and warm, I feels at odds with the day. I nixed swimming this morning, choosing not to doubt my lack of well being. Sheba is feeling the same. She is behaving out of character, choosing to lay out in the snow by herself for long periods. It could be that she’s miffed at me for cleaning her ears. Or else she’s got spring fever.

It was worrisome that I couldn’t entice her in with a treat. But she looked relaxed. She is smart. She knows how to get back in. It’s nice to have some quiet time without her barking and fussing for attention. I can watch and listen to Caroline Myss. It has been difficult to find the time and the quiet. Today I’m watching the workshop on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices recorded in Sedonia, Arizona last February. She is such a good teacher. How serendipitous that she is coming out of a bad cold then as many of us here, including myself (though not so bad) are now.

I feel at times embarrassed that I am so enthused of her teachings.They resonate with me. I have been listening to her for a long time. Today, I really understood the meaning of archetypes and their animation. I love learning – especially about life. I can’t help being a student. That archetype is in and alive in me. I can’t stop myself from listening to spiritual teachers. It is the same with the artist archetype in me. I’ve been talking about it for many, many years but have done nothing about it until now . The artist have finally came alive in the past year or so. Sometimes I can’t believe it myself. The paintings just came out of me – on their own it seems. Who am I to argue with them? They wanted to come out. It is their time.

This is a powerful workshop and long consisting of 10 videos, each averaging an hour long. I’ve finished number 3. Now it is almost 6 pm. Time to close for the day. I’m glad that I’ve developed the habit of getting up and showing up – here to tap out my words, feelings, learning and taking Sheba out for her daily walk. Sometimes Often I don’t want to but the established habit/routine enables me to carry through. Today I’ve learned of habits of the heart/soul, Habitus Maximus. They’re the ones that will help me to a congruent person. There’s so much to learn. It is exciting.

 

G IS FOR GUILT, P IS FOR PLAN

I am slowly getting over my physical indisposition. At any rate, I’m not allowing it to affect my pyschological outlook. It was hard work though. I had to concentrate, talked to myself alot. You can choose, my inner voice lectured in my head. I gave it some thought and went down the optimist’s path. Better a high road than a low one. Isn’t that everyone’s advice?

At the end of the day, yesterday, my head was such a tangled nightmare. My hair felt electrofied, standing on end. All my work stations were jumbled messes. I felt nauseous. I would puke if I could. In the morning, things didn’t look quite as bad. So now, it’s my measuring stick for feeling sick or tired or both. It helped me to decide to stay home from my exercise class and not feel guilty about it. I’m a good example of someone being hard on herself. I wonder when I will feel grownup. I have nobody to answer to, not even a boss.

Somehow I do feel more grownup, having made that decision and some other choices. Today and now is always the first day of any change. Some routine makes for efficiency. Too much makes ruts. I need to work on my ‘mess piles’ since they do aggravate my well-being and hinder creativity. I’m always having to dig through to find things. I try not to let the thought of clearing and cleaning overwhelm me. I cleared my head, took a breath. I decided I would clear a spot/deal with a chore, one at a time. There would be no multi-tasking. I will have to put things away from now on. That is my plan.

To set things in motion, I renewed my library stuff online to avoid late fees. I had a due back soon email yesterday. I changed the bedding, laundered, dried, fold and put it all away. I did the dishes after lunch before taking Sheba to the park. We did the 2 laps around and no more, though we were asked to do another by 2 ladies. The good company was tempting but I stuck to my  plan. Overdoing had worn me out.

It is a little after 5 pm. The sun is still out. Looks like spring is here. My ‘work’ is done. Time to let go of the day. This is enough.

F IS FOR FED UP

Do you get fed up sometimes? Today I feel at the maximum fed up level. February is l-o-n-g. I had set out at the start with such heart felt hope. This was suppose to be my feel good month. Not that anything is wrong or that I’ve been plagued with a truckload of disasters. None of that. I just feel such malaise even though the sky is blue and the sun is shining. I need another cup of decaf.

Perhaps it is because of my recent sinusitis of the past week and a half. Not that it was such a struggle. It was a tad tougher than my usual state for I am forever complaining a lack of energy, of joie de vivre. I’m fed up with being a wet blanket, a party pooper and being my worse enemy. It’s good to let it all out. This is my space, my confessional. It is where I come to cleanse my mind and soul.

It doesn’t help that my sleep is disturbed lately. I had nightmares a couple of nights back. I screamed and screamed in my sleep. I thought it was only in my dreams. I was stuck in an elevator with unsavory man. I was scared to death. In my dream, I had trouble getting my screams out. It wasn’t so in real life. I woke the guy and Sheba as well. Then last night, I had trouble getting to sleep. I got up and read awhile. Luckily that helped. I slept and dreamt as well. Lucky it was not a nightmare. I dreamt about little cupcakes. The cost was $15 for 15. I guess the cost is nightmarish. I wonder if it was those little unsavory Italian meatballs that triggered the dream.

It really helps to tap out my feelings, whatever they are. I was seeing the world through bleak eyes. I couldn’t see the point of anything. The world is gone to hell in a hand basket:

  • The war in Syria. Seeing the dead babies on the evening news.
  • The school shooting in Florida. Hearing a politician saying the teachers need to have guns when the students were crying for gun control

These are the two weighing heavily on top of all the others right now. What can be done to make the world and humans better? Being fed up is not the answer I know. Now the question is how do I get out of it? I bet Oprah would say, Live your best life. A good answer, I’m sure but it won’t do for me. It’s too generalized, too neat. I have to chip, tap and hack my way out bit by bit.

I’m a fan of Sue Grafton. You’ve probably deduced it by the title of this blog. Her detective series is just what I need on my not so buoyant days. Janet  Evanovich is in the same genre. I’m glad it’s women that help me get through the tough days. Their energy, humour and narrative story telling take me away from the moody blues into adventure and laughs. I have to love that.

So another day comes to an end. I’ve limped through it but I’m still standing. I’ve gotten up, dressed up and shown up. I had to work a little harder at it. It was my Olympic effort, not a Gold Medal but nothing wrong with a Bronze. My mantra was I can do this. I can do this. So it went. Now I have a few more trays seeded – 3 kinds of tomatoes and geraniums. The petunias and chili peppers have germinated. Things do look hopeful. The effort is worth it.

When I have a Sheba, I have to make an effort. She wears my moods so I had to show her that I was okay. Nothing to worry about. She is safe and cared for. She is her confident and happy self again.

 

 

NO ENERGY BUNNY

Thank God for packaged cooked food ! Even though they are made with Italian herbs and spices, they are not as savory as their write up. They are rather flat, but on days like today I’m grateful for them. I can just pour the meatballs onto a baking sheet, put it into the hot oven and voilà – lunch in 15 minutes. I just add a salad and warm up some leftover rice.

The morning is cold. Sheba is pesky and underfoot because she didn’t get her morning walk. She makes us pay. We will bundle up after lunch and go to the dog park. I am not 100% but it is easier to let her run, off leash. By then the temperature will be more reasonable. For now, I am enjoying a little quiet and a cup of chamomile tea before turning the oven on. That extra heat will be welcomed.

Though my fatigue is less, I can’t seem to get warm enough. Once I get sick, it takes me a long time to recover. But I’m thankful my symptons are mild this time. I’m prone to respiratory ailments probably due to my congenital undeveloped frontal sinuses. I’ve learned to live with the condition better over the years. What is important for me is clean moist air. It has been over 3 years since I’ve been really sick. I’m grateful but it’s still an irritation not to have the energy of an EverReady Bunny. I have so many things I want to do.

It’s a good thing, my ever present desire to do. I mustn’t knock myself but learn to temper it to a healthy level. It was not a hard thing to do today. I have that desire to pamper myself a little on such a cold morning. I crossed exercise class off my list. Really, I have no energy to huff and puff, on and off the step. I had pushed myself too hard the previous weeks working at a level of 9 out of 10. 8 is well good enough. In a while after a rest, Sheba and I will try to do 2 rounds at the park. That is exercise enough for today.

 

NO LIVES TO SAVE

Right about this time in the day, I start to sag. I feel like Medusa with a head full of venomous snakes. I haven’t turned anyone looking at me into stone – yet. This is probably a good time for me to disengage from anything important. But here I am, tapping my fingers away. Tomorrow, I will try to ease off a little earlier. I can’t wise up overnight. It might even take longer than a week. That’s the procrastinator in me. I’m sure it’s in you, too.

I am so glad I don’t have to job to go to. I’m still feeling a tad under the weather. Brings back memories of when I was still working. Mornings like this, I’ll be sweating up the nerve to phone in sick. I always feel guilty unless I’m sick enough for life support. I always doubt myself but I can’t make myself go to work. After much back and forth – yes, no, I would make that call. I’M SICK! I’m so relieved that I don’t have to make those calls. I can just roll over with no guilt and have a few extra winks. I don’t have to dish out any pills except my own, no bedpanning, no lives to save. What a holiday!

Today is a holiday – Family Dday. We thought we would take in Remai Modern, our new art gallery. It was a free admission day. But it was too much of a good thing. There was a long line up outside. We decided to keep driving and went for lunch instead. It was a much nicer time at Thien Vietnam 2 Restaurant.

It’s another day or evening – Tuesday, February 20th. I ran out of steam yesterday and quit mid blog. Sometimes I have to do that. So here I am again, in the closing hours of the day. I’m not any further ahead than yesterday but it is real life. I had trouble getting in Sheba’s walk but I got it done. Hard to say no when she’s been waiting patiently all afternoon. I am showing up today just to close shop. It’s closing time and Leonard is playing in my head right this minute. My jukebox function is still intact. It’s great to have him sing me out.

HAVE COUCH, WILL FLY

I do listen to my body eventually. When you are on a roll as they say, it is hard to put the brakes on. But it is protesting loudly so I can’t stay on the cruise control. I have to give the brakes a tap and change to a more comfortable speed. I watched the Winter Olympics last night without doing anything else. Even if it’s the mindless knitting of a scarf, part of the mind is engaged and consuming energy. It was a very relaxing cathartic experience to be a couch potato watching the men’s free style skiing. My mind’s wrinkles loosened and smoothed. It was as if it was I who was flying free in the air. What a way to travel without leaving the couch! I should do it more often.

I’m doctoring myself with some home grown, home made dandelion tea. I’m feeling a tad under the weather. Too much winter and too many days of trotting in the wind at the park with Sheba. It’s caught up with me today. I’m trying to rescue/salvage myself before I tipple over with a cold/sinus condition. I think it’s working. I am not so shivery cold, tired and achy. Good on me. I hate being laid up, even slightly.

My day is at a slower pace but I’m getting stuff done. You see how obsessive I am, still talking about getting things done. I had to set the timer for 3 minutes so that I could sit for a full 2 minutes of meditation. I probably need to do it twice a day. Then I need to increase it by a minute regularly. I read outloud a few pages of The Wolf Border by Sarah Hall. Have you read it? It is very good. I tend to rush and skim, so by reading outloud, I have to read every word. I hope to slow myself down and not expend useless energy and missing some of the narrative besides. I am impatient with everything I do. I’m doing an auto correct on myself.

This is who I am. I’m a fiddler – fiddling with the order of things to find better tunes. It’s senseless doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. I can’t remember who originated that phrase – Wayne Dyer or Dr. Phil. Maybe it was Oprah. I’m grateful to whoever it was. It is now 5 pm. I’m finishing my cup of tea. The bread is out of the oven. Sheba’s been walked. I’ve painted my watercolour index cards. I wasn’t sure about everything but there are no MUST DOs. Only what I can do today. I am tired now but pleased.