Morning is not a great time to read about a killing and ridding of a body. I’m starting the day with an ‘ugh’! It’s a good thing I’m greeted with the cheeriness of autumn sunshine and the splendid hues of yellows and oranges. I must behave accordingly. I do have a choice. I have a mind. It can over ride my brain. I am not ruled by biology only. Think of the reward. Another dollar in the teapot!
My ‘uglies’ have receded somewhat though I feel the tears on the verge of my eyes. My body cries, nothing is easy and all the other I feel sorry for myself phrases. I guess I have to let it have its say, too. We are in this together, my body, my mind and my brain. We have to respect and cooperate with each other.
My cup of tea is done. I will/can sit and stay awhile longer till I am finished.The discomfort, the desire to flee has ebbed. It is tolerable. I can even feel a sense of peace sitting here discovering my flaws and strengths. I am inching forward daily. Another 4 rows on my sweater. My grapes are now raisins. One tomato bed cleaned off. A flash fiction of 100 words for Friday Fictioneers.
Now I have to go and hang up the laundry from last night and plan my day. What is on your plate?
It’s Thursday. I’ve been missing my 100 words and Friday Fictioneers. I’ve dusted off my fiction cap and joining in again. We’re hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Our mission is to write a story of 100 words inspired by a photo prompt. Here’s my story to Amy Reese’s photo. Hope you enjoy. If you like, you can join in and tell your story.
My footsteps were so loud. Click, clock! Click, clock! They echoed down the long empty corridor. I paused and listened. Was someone following me? I held my breath. My skin tingled with anxiety. Only the thudding of my heart was audible. Slowly, I turned my head and glanced over my right shoulder. No one!
I let out my breath. My shoulders relaxed and dropped. I started my steps again – slowly and on the tips of my shoes. The EXIT sign flowed in the distance. Just then came click, clock. Click, Clock. CLICK, CLOCK! I picked up my heels and ran.
Some mornings are harder than others. This is one of them. I’m here. I’m prepared to sit and stay. I’ve made my cup of tea before hand. I will not have that excuse to flee. I can sit, stay and sip through the discomforts. I’m beginning to understand this phenomenon of procrastination – at least for me. My brain is lazy. It wants to do the same old, same old. It’s easier to stay in well travelled ruts. It does not want new pathways. It does not want a new circuitry. I DO. I’m fighting my brain right now to stay awake. Sleepiness is another way for it to flee.
The sun just came out to lend me a hand. Thank you, Mr. Sun! I need a little help today. My tea is done but I’m not finished here. What do I have to say? What do I want to say? The going is tough. I feel like a gerbil on a treadmill. I’m moving but not advancing. My great deduction today is that if I want changes, I must be the change. I must be the instrument. I must DO. I must make goals and lists. Writing them down is concrete. I cannot rely on goals and lists in my head. It makes it easier to forget and disregard.
I made a move yesterday to reward myself $1 for showing up each day. It’s tangible. It’s working. I will have $2 in my teapot today. I am working on making my basement a nice living space. I will clean/clear a small area each day. I threw out 2 old humidifiers and a CD rack yesterday. I worked a little on the sweater I started this summer. The secret I believe is starting and working small but steady. Do not lose heart.
The days are ticking off, ever so slowly when you are conscious and counting. Doing different is difficult. I am so wired in to my feelings and reactions. Moving out of my grooves and ruts takes more than minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. I have to be patient. I have to be innovative. I have to be kind to myself. No snapping of elastic band on my wrist. I have to be trained like Sheba – on a reward system. A Loonie(a dollar) into the teapot for each day completed with a blog post. I’m worth that.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling to commit, to put it in writing. I want to get up and make myself a cup of tea. But I won’t. I will sit and stay here with the discomfort. I will sit and finish even though my head is screaming for tea. At least I’m not screaming for a cigarette as in the past. That is proof that I can and have changed.
Another gorgeous day. I am sitting in my beautiful space surrounded by light. It’s the light I must follow though our shadows are ever present. I will choose the high ways whenever I am able to. But I must accept the dark places and not punish and blame myself or others for falling. I can always get up and dust myself off – again.
Have you fallen? Did you hurt yourself? Did you get up?
I’m attempting to do the great turnaround this morning – doing the ‘work’ of Byron Katie. I’m asking questions, seeking their validity and seeing if there is another way of seeing. I am not happy in this moment of seeing the world half empty. It is the morning after the great debate of last night between Hiliary Clinton and Donald Trump. The world I held my breath, waiting to hear how the Donald will speak. I am sad to see a world where such a person can become a presidential candidate.
I’m coming to this space a little earlier, to change and shake off this feeling. The world hasn’t changed that much overnight. It is the way I’m seeing/feeling. One affects the other. One invokes different visions of the glass half full or empty. Can I do a switch around? And which one is true? I’m having a problem with truths. I tend to be black and white, literal and no gives. But I see the literal/absolute way brings me no happiness. I’m swaying, changing like the autumn leaves. I’m dropping/letting go the things that don’t serve me. They’re dropping slowly like teardrops. Afterall, change does hurt. It’s not a shame to cry.
Have you cried today? Is your world half empty or full? I am going to fill up now.
Challenges are difficult amid fatigue and pain. Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy. Am I using it as a excuse. Other times, I wonder if I have fibromyalagia and/or chronic fatigue. Or is it from my sinus anomoly? Does it matter what it is called or if it is diagnosed? It is all the same symptons. It adds up to feeling fatigued, pained and generally lousy. I’ve had bouts of these since early adulthood. I’ve survived and learned to cope.
It has improved. Maybe I’m living healthier. I’m certainly getting more sleep and exercise. I have a dog. I do yoga, qigong and meditation off and on. I guess everything counts. Still, there are days when – I want to throw myself into bed with fatigue. The pain is the gnawing kind through the whole body and I feel heavy as lead. These are the tough days when it is hard even to think of walking the dog. I’m thinking I’m making my life harder by having one. What was I thinking? And a Lab/Border Collie at that!
Well, I have a dog. She demands to be walked every day. I put a collar and leash on her and running shoes on me. Off we go, one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace. I don’t feel any more pain. I don’t feel any less pain. Another walk. Another day. It’s the same coming to this space except some days I haven’t shown up. But I am here today, covering for 3 days.
I have to admit this challenge is harder than my 100 days of art. The more difficult part is the analyzing of how my ‘different’ made a difference and finding the words. Some days it takes more energy than I have. So I have chosen to write when I can instead of giving up altogether. I will chug along to day 365. That’s how life is lived – as best as we can to the end.
Day 62 finds me here a little earlier but I am depleted. I am fortifying myself with a few chocolates. Hope they can give me a little boost. I am a bit of a wimp. A few chores can tire me out. I’m trying to learn to be more efficient with my energy. Making changes in habits and routines can be exhausting as well as exhiliaring. The yin and the yang applies to everything.
September is the month of kids returning to school and learning. I find the changing of weather and the turning of the leaves a signal for me to change and learn, too. Today, I’m trying to be more open and flexible to the novelty in life. It’s not too much out of my comfort zone to cook a little differently. I’m Chinese, right? We stir fry anything and everything.
I have a couple of not too fresh cucumbers from the garden. It’s a squash/melon of a different sort. So why can’t I stir fry them? I also have tomatoes on hand and oh, lots of hot chili peppers and abundant luscious green pepper leaves. How about a carrot to take on some of hotness of the chili pepper? Slice and dice and into the frying pan they went. I’m happy and alive to say it was a culinary success though my tongue is still a little tingling from the pepper.
It is just a little change in my cooking. A little novelty in my day. I don’t have to do big or exciting. I’m not one for parachuting or bugee jumping. I can be thrilled by learning that I can do a little different each day. By doing so today, I learn that I have been doing it most of my life. What a surprise for me!
I realize today that I must take the time to do the things that are important and the things that I love. I can’t make more time. But I can take time for these things and for myself. I am here. This is important. And I love the tap, tapping of the words. It is rhythmic. It is poetic. It is the song of my heart.
I have been good at deceiving myself, saying “when I have time, I will do…” and so the piles pile up. Things go incomplete. Dreams stay in Neverland. Wishes in the well. I saw all that in a flash today. Feeling fatigued and sweaty, wishing for a soak in the tub in the middle of the afternoon. Feeling squished by many chores to be done. Laundry brought home from the lake, defrosting the freezer, and …I was squished by it all.
Even the mundane of life are important. The laundry and freezer were a must. I breathed. I cleared my mind. I did the laundry. I defrosted the freezer. I soaked in the tub. I had time. I took time. That was it. It was wonderful. I have to remember to do it every day – take time to do the important and the lovelies. Did you take time today?
I have been missing in action for too many days. The longer it is, the harder it is to return. Life gets busy and it is easy to fall off the wagon. But marking my days and progress is important. I make the time and effort to return and show up again and again even if only in a snapshot and a few words via Instagram.
It has been a long day. It is late and I am tired. I will say goodnight and end with today’s Day 60 from my Instagram post. I am very happy to have arrived here with today’s insight. Hopefully I can return tomorrow with a longer post.
Day 60 in a year of doing different. The bread is baked and cooling on the rack. Lunch ate. Dishes and pans washed. At last I can put up my feet and sit with my tea. The days are going fast and slow. I am already/only on day 60 of 365. It all depends on the angle of your view. Today I caught a different glimpse into the nature of people and myself. Those glimpses are gifts. They are fleeting so I must mark them for remembrance. What I’m finally understanding now is that some people cannot own up to their mistakes – no matter how costly in energy and stress it is to others and themselves. What I see in myself is that I want my justice – no matter how costly in energy and stress to myself. Now I do understand and accept that some people cannot admit their mistakes. With that, I feel a softening in me. Is that compassion and forgiveness? Whatever. I’m letting go of stuff. I’m happier with myself for it.
It has been a few days since I’ve been here. Life happens and I cannot show up as planned. I do the best I can. I am here now, tapping out my words and thoughts for those days.
Doing different isn’t easy. It isn’t difficult. Every day there are numerous opportunities of doing different, of doing better, of turning a different page. We must seize that moment to answer when they knocking on the door. The same moments will not come again.
But as I have just said, life happens. If you don’t hear or can’t answer the knock, so be it. Let go the regret or berating of yourself. The opportunity is gone. Be more attentive and answer the next knock. Life is full of them. You can be sure of that.
On this 54th day of my year of doing different, I’m sitting back, enjoying the fire in the woods. I’m trying to heed my own words. It’s difficult not to strive, worry and regret. It is possible to change – one little act at a time, one day at a time. Some days you will stumble. Who hasn’t ever?
When was your last stumble? Did you fall? Till tomorrow, I hope.