getting up

KNOW WHEN TO STOP

It’s Day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. There certainly is an increased traffic on the site. It leaves me a bit breathless, feeling unsure if I can keep up. It doesn’t help that I’ve just come back from our daily cross country ski. We decided to change the scenery and went to a different park with a ski trail. It was alot longer than I had bargained for. I had trouble getting up a little hill and ended up on my backside. I’ve enough experience now that I know how to get up. I just need some time just to lay there and gather my thoughts, look up at the sky and rest.

Some kind hearted man and woman happened to witness my downfall. The man gave me verbal instructions. The woman, I’m not sure she was his wife, kept coming at me to give me a hand even though I was adamant I didn’t need help. I wasn’t even thinking of Covid. I could get up by myself. He finally had to hold her back. It made me wonder if she has some sort of dementia. She never spoke. I’m not sure if I felt more assured by his telling me that they were vaccinated. Why did he tell me that? I think it made me feel more anxious. I try to reassure myself that though neither of us were masked, we were outside. I was breathing a bit heavy but they weren’t. I know I am ok.

That reminds me that I probably should have a mask for these unexpected events. If I had one on my pocket, I could have put it on. I need to keep one in the car, too. I righted myself, took off one ski and climbed up that damned slippery slope and back on the trail. I could see the guy’s yellow jacket way over yonder where our car was parked. I wondered how long to get over there. Soon I could see that I was getting further and further away, in the opposite direction of where our car was. I cursed under my breath and turned my skis around. It was a good thing he came for me in the car. He found me as I was crossing the road. Otherwise, I probably would still be out on the trail – in the dark.

I am tired and a bit disgruntled. But I’m still in this challenge and the100dayproject. My third log cabin square look pretty good. My squares look like stained glass windows. 100 log cabin squares will make a beautiful queen sized quilt. My order of supplies came from Amazon came this afternoon. I must admit that I was a little disappointed. I was expecting 30 quilting fabric clips along with seam rippers and whatnot. I only got 9. That kind of put a knot in my panities. I sent off a note to Amazon in the hopes of getting the other 21 clips.

I’ve had a full day. Time to pack it in. I need a little rest. My hands are sore from all the ripping apart of old clothes to make into new and from gripping my ski poles. Sometimes when I get going, I don’t know when to stop. I have to do it now.

MUTTERINGS ON A RAINY DAY

Beginnings are damned hard! Look at how long we had to wait for the rain. There were days, weeks, months of possibilities of rain. It finally came today, our first real rain on this 20th day of June. We rushed onto the deck to witness and rejoice.

I feel somewhat akin to the dammed up sky, full of possibilites but unable to deliver. It’s a most uncomfortable and perplexing feeling. I’ve had days, weeks and maybe months of this. I hope I don’t have to wait till winter before I can unleash my whatever it is. It will be such a fury by then. I wonder if I’m a manic depressive. Hmm. Or it is just my ADHD symptons of trouble organizing and starting a task having a field day.

I’m trying to relax, gather and organize my thoughts so as not to waste time and energy going every which way. That is one of my handicaps. In between gaps here, I’ve vacuumed a couple of rooms and washed some Chinese broccoli for our lunch. My attention span is short and jerky. Doing some 4-7-8 breathing helps to relax and slow me down to concentrate better. The exercise has many other benefits of sleeping better, relieving anxiety and improving cardiovascular health. It takes only minutes in a day.

I have to make more of an effort in showing up here. I’ve said that a few times already, haven’t I? I know what to do but sometimes I can’t do it. I need a visual, physical written out agenda. That’s what this blog is for me, a roadmap, my GPS for my daily life. I need to get up, dress up, show up and tap here regularly for my mental and physical health. When I tap out my thoughts, wonderings, wishings, doings, it makes grooves and    pathways in my brain to guide me. They anchor and comfort me. I can see by the words, sentences and photos that I have not been idle and useless. I have been busy living my life as best as I can.

I’ve been feeling stuck, immobile, yucky and not getting anywhere. Sometimes feelings can be false and misleading. Somehow amidst all these feelings, I have put in a flower bed, a garden, raised vegetable beds, and a few flower pots here and there. The moral of the story is not to believe all your feelings. They can be your saboteurs.

A DISTANT MEMORY

Some mornings I just feel like throwing up. That’s how enthused I am. It’s not about who I am or is it? I have many mornings like this. When I was still working, I often start the day by telling people I am grouchy. I want to let them know that it’s not personal. It was how I was feeling (my physicality and my brain chemistry) at the time. Mornings can be tough when you have to get up at the crack of dawn, walk the dog and be at work for 7:30. Most of the time I feel like a sleepy grumpy bear.

I’m lumbering around this morning, heavy and slow footed. There’s not an ounce of joie de vivre in me. I could lay on the couch all day. I see the crumbs and dog hair on the floor. They seem magnified and multiplying. I like to turn a blind eye but they irk the hell out of me. I sigh and take the big bic of a vacuum stick off its charger. I would just like to make a cursory round on the floor. But I know about all the dog hair under the legs of the chairs and stools. I heave another big sigh and painfully pulled them off. Then there’s the kitchen mat to shake out.

The kitchen and dining room are done. I even took a damp mop to give the hardwood a shine. It wasn’t that difficult now that it’s done. It’s a distant memory. I have to keep that in mind for the next time and forever. Difficult is however difficult you want to make it. I remember my mother telling me, don’t include difficult or hard in your vocabulary. Mothers have a way of always being right.

Now that the difficulties are out of the way, I can make something of my day. I’ve gotten up and shown up but haven’t dressed up. Guess what I am going to do next?

I AM THE REASON

It’s my therapy hour. I’ve come to tap myself well. I’m pleased to say that my cough has eased alot. I had a decent night of sleep, though I did have to get up and sleep on the couch for a spell. I made myself relax and stay in bed till almost 7 am. I had lost the art of sleep and rest for awhile. There was too much energy bouncing off walls. I had great difficulty harnessing it and bringing myself back to centre.

I’ve returned to my mindfulness practice. It’s not easy. First I had to gain a level of calmness to be receptive. I had spent the month of October, 2015 with the Mindfulness Summit. I bought the whole program and still has access to it. It was the best thing I had done for myself. So this morningI found myself sitting again with Melli Obrien and her guest, Paul Gilbert.

Professor Paul Gilbert’s presentation on the Importance of Self Compassion alone is worth the cost. His explanation on our brain gave me the insight on how we are all wired. It helped to stop my blaming and trashing myself. It is not my fault. I didn’t choose the brain I was given. Having an understanding of my brain wiring helps me to make wiser choices and how to work with the brain I was given. Every insight makes life a little easier. He has written a book on The Compassionate Mind. It has some good and bad reviews. I have ordered it from the library and will judge for myself.

This road is rocky and tricky, especially when I have a tricky brain. But aren’t all roads full of potholes? What I know for sure is I shouldn’t keep falling into the same damn hole. The least I can do is go down a different street with different holes. I could learn something new and develop new pathways in my brain. Life is hard. It is hard to get up, dress up and show up every morning. But I am  enough reason to do so – every single morning.

 

I, ME, MYSELF – BEING BEST FRIENDS

My cold and cough are still with me. They do not make for good company in summer – or any other time of year. Like all bad company, they’re hanging on. My coughing fits woke me a few times in the night. In the end I had to get up and sleep on the couch as before. But at least I did sleep.

Life is very difficult with a nasty summer cold and no sleep. But it still has to go on somehow. I still have to get up, dress up and show up. It’s not an easy task even on an ‘ordinary’ day. Being susceptible to the ‘blues’, I’m being watchful, taking care not to let this take me down the path of depression. I’m alerted to the dangers of the brain not working properly. Anybody can be victims as we’ve seen in recent days with the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Being a celebrity chef and a fashion designer are not free tickets to life happily ever after.

There’s no shame in depression. There’s no shame in failing to thrive at all times. I just feel bad and annoyed at myself sometimes for the depression. Because really, it is very inconvenient. There’s things I have/want to do. It gets in the way. I’m learning to accept my ‘down’ times. I think my body and brain are telling me they need a rest. I think I better listen. They know me best. If I, me and myself don’t take care of each other, no one will. We are our best friends.

 

 

ON A LONELY PLANET

So tomorrow is here. I am as tired as can be. I am tired of being a warrior, getting up, dressing up and showing up but here I am – out of habit. It’s not a bad thing though it would be better if I have some cheer. But faking it when I don’t is adequate. It’s my best for today. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not feel sorry for myself either. Some days are better than others. Today is not a better day but it is getting better. I am not as tired as this morning.

Life is pretty dang hard. I find I am living on the lonely planet surrounded by darkness. It is hard to find that crack where the light gets in. But I still choose to get up, dress up and show up. I guess I am still a hopeful person. Where there is life, there is hope. How inane but so true. Sometimes I’m not graceful getting up. I stumble and fall. Some days I don’t brush the bed out of my head till noon. I don’t show up at exercise class.

But I always show up for my life. I wash my face, brush my teeth and greet the day somehow or another. Sheba gets her walk no matter sun, rain, sleet or snow. Today was cloudy with blowing snow. The wind gusted up to a gale. It was pretty wicked on top of the hill at the dog park. The saving grace was it was not cold. This past week we’ve found pleasure in our old park. It’s where we first hung out when Sheba was a puppy. It’s where she learned to butt sniff and romp with her own kind. Yesterday, we ran into Sheba’s sister, Shadow there. I can’t really say there was a joyous reunion. They sniffed and circled each other. We, the moms said, Oh, they look like sisters! Sheba is coming 12, I said. So is Shadow, her mom said. Shadow? Did you get her from….And that’s how we knew they were sisters.

No Sister Shadow there today but there were a few hardy souls and dogs. Though snowy and gusty, it wasn’t too bad. I pulled up my hood and zipped up the parka and followed the group. I think Sheba was the lone senior dog. But she gave it her best, made a few dashes and passes at the pups. I felt my heart opened up watching them play. My purple mitts were an attraction so I walked holding my hands up. Otherwise, I’m sure they would dash off with them in their teeth.

So the day goes. You do one thing, then another. I stopped in and visited with my parents. Their world is shrinking and so is mine. Why don’t I expand it just a little for us today. I always enjoy a cuppa with my mom. My father likes to listen in. It’s okay he doesn’t converse much. That’s his way. Mom tells me news of her friends and the books she’s read. She’s quite on top of things, the ways of the world and people. She sees that the world is changing. People are spending more time online and within themselves. She finds that it is also a lonely planet and we are like cartoon characters on the screen. I thank my mom in my mind for seeing what I see. I don’t feel quite as lonely then.

The day is almost over. It is dark outside. I shall pour myself a glass of wine and not think of anything important till the morning.

PAYING FOR CHANGE- Day 68 in a year of..

Day 68, September 28, 2016 @9:08

img_7821The days are ticking off, ever so slowly when you are conscious and counting. Doing different is difficult.  I am so wired in to my feelings and reactions. Moving out of my grooves and ruts takes more than minutes, hours, days, weeks and months.  I have to be patient.  I have to be innovative.  I have to be kind to myself.  No snapping of elastic band on my wrist.  I have to be trained like Sheba – on a reward system.  A Loonie(a dollar) into the teapot for each day completed with a blog post.  I’m worth that.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to commit, to put it in writing.  I want to get up and make myself a cup of tea. But I won’t. I will sit and stay here with the discomfort. I will sit and finish even though my head is screaming for tea.  At least I’m not screaming for a cigarette as in the past.  That is proof that I can and have changed.

img_7802Another gorgeous day.  I am sitting in my beautiful space surrounded by light. It’s the light I must follow though our shadows are ever present.  I will choose the high ways whenever I am able to.  But I must accept the dark places and not punish and blame myself or others for falling.  I can always get up and dust myself off – again.

Have you fallen?  Did you hurt yourself?  Did you get up?