FORGIVENESS AND GETTING THERE

I’m on the last 4 days of this writing journey/challenge. I must forge ahead. I’m almost there. But where is there? I’m remembering a quote that Meister Eckhart had supposedly said. When you get there, you find that there is no there. What and where to then?

Today is a good day to ponder on such things. I’m home alone with Sheba. I have succumbed to the cold bug after putting up much resistence. I don’t feel terribly sick but my chest is sore from coughing. I hesitate to put myself out there, not wanting to infect others. I worry about getting some flack from people about not getting the flu shot. I worry about being Chinese and the coronavirus connection. Perhaps I’m being a little over dramatic but it’s a good day to stay put and drink tea.

The cloudy day is not helpful in dispelling my paranoia. Yesterday I found a dead frozen mouse in the yard. At first I thought it was Sheba’s poop. It was an odd shape and not in her usual spot. On close examination, I saw a long tail and little pink feet all curled up. It gave me the shudders doing a bag pickup. It occurred to me that the troublesome woman next door could have put it there. It was where I couldn’t miss it. She blames her mice problems in her garage on our compost bins. Her garage happens to be full of food products.

I’m trying to let these and other liked thoughts go. I’m listening to Caroline Myss again. Some things are not easy to grasp but some are. Even so, understanding and incorporating them into practice can be difficult. It’s a given that Jesus, the Buddha and other higher beings are about love and forgiveness. But to turn my other cheek can be tough for me to do. That’s what my mother teaches, too. I haven’t succeeded yet, though I am getting a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is.

As Caroline Myss puts it, sometimes there is no reason or explanation to things. Why they happen to us. Why people do what they do AND to us. We are all capable of feeling the same hurt, anger, rage, betrayal, humiliation, etc. We all have the desire for revenge, getting even, getting the other person to say sorry, they were wrong. Jesus experienced all that and died on the cross, a lesson in forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that whatever done is ok. But it is the destroying your appetite for destroying someone else. Even though the other person has the same appetite, you’ve turned your cheek and the spell is broken. I am finally turning my other cheek. I am no longer demanding a debt to be paid.

Wow, I’m super serious today! I am a very serious woman. However, I do have a streak for fun somewhere in me. Let me see if I can find it to take us out of day 28. Oops, I seemed to have wandered off my intended words. Well, tomorrow then.

LIFE, FORGIVENESS, LOVING

November 16, 2018 8:00 am

I am an early bird nowadays. It helps to have an alarm clock named Sheba. She’s right on the money. She’s always goes off on time, being early sometimes but never late. I don’t mind. I appreciate her steadfastness. I’ve grown to love the early risings and the peace with the morning hours. I try not to squander this precious time away.

As I’ve said yesterday, I’m watching Caroline Myss’s Reflections video series on Initiation by Fire. I’ve watched the first one on forgiveness. I’ve started the one on love today. I love listening to Caroline. Her teachings are always so profound – to me anyways. It’s so strange that lately that the topics I picked are exactly what I’m needing most urgently. Her wisdom comes at a most opportune time.

I love what she says about initiation and forgiveness. In order for it to happen, we/I have to change/transform ourselves/myself. I will have to chip away at myself until something gives and shifts within me. My heart does feel like a giant boulder, unyielding and ungiving. But already I’ve felt a sliver chipped away. I am recognizing some of my triggers, some of my faults. It is along these fault lines that I will place my chisel and hammer away.

November 17, 2018 2:08 pm

Saturday afternoon. I’m sipping tea. I said I would not waste time scrolling my life away. BUT I have. Checking this and that. Looking up stuff that probably doesn’t matter a damn. It’s a habit hard to kick. I sit back, take another sip and heave another big sigh. I close my eyes and try to empty my mind of all useless nagging things. The tylenol helps.

I’ve had a busy morning. I was a little tardy heading to the pool but I got my almost 20 lengths in. 18 is close enough. Then it was off to my embroidery class at the Sewing Machine Store. Oh, the traffic coming and going! The cars are still whizzing by in my head. If you are not in the right lane for turning, you end up in a shopping mall with more cars whizzing around and around. My head was already throbbing with info on threads, needles, stabilizers and whatnot. Then I had to navigate my way out and back on the street.

Driving out of SuperStore’s parkade with my barbecue chicken for lunch, I said no to the Saskatoon Weavers and Spinners Guild’s annual sale. It would have been interesting to see their creatives and demonstrations of weaving and spinning. But I am maxed out. So here I sit tapping out my fatigue. I think I need another cup of tea and ponder life a little. It’s a worthwhile consideration.

Yesterday, an ambulane followed me into the parking lot of a shopping mall. I came out of Shoppers Drug Mart to the flashing lights of a police car and firetruck. Paramedics were doing CPR on a man on the stretcher by the ambulance. I could see that he was not elderly and had reddish brown hair. His skin was quite pink beneath the pumping of the paramedics arms. They were doing a good job of perfusion or was it just the cold on bare skin? I do not know the outcome. Life is like that – precarious and unsettling.

Yes, I shall have that second cup and watch Session 2, Loving on Initiation by Fire with Caroline Myss.

PERSIST OR DESIST

November 14, 2018 8:33 am

It is an exercise class morning. I’m fed and watered, have vacuumed the living, dining and kitchen areas. I have a few minutes to tap out my thoughts. I try not to get too caught up in being obsessive about my routine. Moderation in everything still applies in this age of energy. I have to leave some time to vegetate and not measure time.

November 15, 2018 8:10 am

A second cup of tea with Sheba close by. My words and tapping are not coming easy this morning. I will persist for awhile – till the end of my cuppa at least. What is that saying? Persist or desist. Whatever does that mean? I will resist googling it. Perhaps you can enlighten me. However old habits die hard and I did googled. I found this website.

3:15 pm

I could not persist even to the end of my cuppa this morning. I had to desist my efforts. I could not force thoughts and words against their will. I am not so stubborn nowadays. I know when to stop bashing my head against the stone wall and pursue other avenues. Serendipity must have been at work. I chose to watch Caroline Myss’ Reflection series on Initiations by Fire. The first session was on forgiveness, a difficult thing for alot of us. It is certainly for me. I hang on to every hurt like Sheba with a bone. It is something that I need let go of. I’m thankful I had the first initiation.

7:30 pm

Today is not an easy day. Disjointed thoughts and words dominated. I changed activities and directions often. I do not have to stay in the quagmire of my thoughts and emotions. When lost and in doubt, I choose to be enthralled in the mechanics of doing. And so, I tapped a little, read some, sewed some quilt squares and painted the discomfort away. Now it is time to say good night.

THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE

I believe that when we are hit with an ‘aha’ moment we should give it due respect and pay attention.

The other day my mother phoned. Could I make a doctor’s appointment for her. My father had tried a couple of times but got a recording that says that you have to do it online. I found it peculiar since not everyone, especially seniors have computers or have the know hows. I phoned and the recording does say you have the option of making appointments online but if you press 0 or just hang on, you can speak to the receptionist.

I felt a bubble of irritation starting up at my father. How could he not understand that since he got the online part? In the same moment, I saw the flashing STOP sign in my head, telling me that this is how my father has been for many, many years. Though he came to Canada as a young man in his early 20’s, he does not know the English language well at all. He had made no provision for my mother to learn.

Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets on. But he rather have somebody else do all these things so he doesn’t. I have been the interpreter, making and taking them to appointments since I was about 9 years old. It has made me feel responsible for their health, happiness and total being. No one can be responsible for somebody else’s all. I have felt guilt and anger.

What are the chances that he would change now at 83? None. So why waste my energy getting angry and then feel like a very bad person/daughter? I squashed that ugly bubble and made the appointment. I told my mother how they can get through to the receptionist the next time. I’m feeling grateful that he is still able to drive and be independent otherwise. I am grateful that there are Chinese physicians here so that they can see their doctor on their own most of the time. I am grateful that I can help my parents to be as independent as they are able to.

I am fortunate that I finally recognize that there are the things I can’t change. I can now stop fretting, stressing, fuming, insisting that yes, things can change. Some things cannot. I can stop getting, being and staying in anger. Having seen the light/stop sign, I can ease up, let go a bit and move on. There will be, of course, days when I will fall back on old ways. I will get righteous and indignant, insisting that other person change and behave the way I want. I hope those occasions will come less and less. Let there be patience and love.

WAITING NO MORE – Friday Fictioneers

I gaze at the bright vista before me – a perfect picture framed by the arches. Peaceful at last! I do not have to fret any more.

When I needed to find him, he led me here. He heard me and showed himself. He still cared for me and I forgave him after all these years.

I can still hear my mother’s voice echoing through the years.

“You are so foolish, always picking the leftovers. You take the ones others don’t want.”

I have been foolish but may he rest in peace now.

NEW BEGINNINGS

It’s Sunday morning, a new day, a new dawn, a new week. The sun is shining bright, its warmth melting the remaining snow. It is finally spring at last! My geraniums are germinating, their little heads pushing their way through the soil. For me, it is always a miracle to see this birthing. And I have a part in this process.

Let me rejoice and greet this day and new beginning with gladness and gratitude in my heart. Let me be generous and forgiving in my soul. And lest I forget, be ever so humble. There but for the Grace of God, I could be in others’ shoes.

ON IRRECONCILEABLE DIFFERENCES

We are into the 21st day of Lent. So far, so good. I am still tranquil, peaceful and almost Buddha-like. I am mixing my religion here. And does it matter, the name we give to God, this spirit inside each of us. Is a rose not a rose, by any other name?

There are so many things to think upon….so many sides to everything. It is best not to dig too much or to dwell too much. That is the course I have chosen for at least these days of Lent….just to feel what peace is like. Maybe it is THE path to open-mindedness, an open heart, and forgiveness.

It is one thing for Dr. Phil to ask: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I am stubborn. I have a stiff neck as the Chinese would say. I do not like to give in, to concede. I want to be right. My neck is very stiff. Sometimes I feel like I’m choking with my righteousness.

I have to start where I am now, in these days of Lent. I am accepting myself as I am…flawed, imperfect, human. I forgive myself for being all that I am and will move forward one step at a time.

A NEW DAWN

It is another morning, just a week before Christmas. I’ve just finished another 12 hour night shift. I am tired and not in the best of spirits. It is not the way I want to go to sleep, on a bad note. So here I am tapping out my words and feelings. Sheba makes it hard, being pesky and wanting to play. But it is not a bad thing, wanting to play. Play can help cleanse the toxin from me.

And so we play a little tug of war with her rope. She is pretty strong, hanging on with her teeth, shaking her head and growling playfully. I let her win a few rounds. Then she gets a bone to chew outside. She is pretty easy to please. Play and food always work. Too bad that we are not so predictable! Life would be so much easier.

So I am feeling much better. Sheba and words work most of the time for me. It is a difficult journey to be a good, decent human being but I am trying hard. I am remembering Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. What better time of the year to be tested than now?

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am remembering another Christmas when I was experiencing the same emotions as now. Words then help me through. This is the letter that I posted for my very good email friends. They are still my very good friends even though we aren’t as much in touch now.

“What a lucky girl am I to be receiving two sunrises from men from different parts of the world in recent days.. Of course, being -30 C in my neck of the woods,, I prefer the one from the land of palm trees and the home of all mankind. It shows the sun rising above the horizon, casting a warm glow, bringing a promise of a new day of possibilities.

And so the pain in my chest has eased and once more I can breathe and sigh again. Life is complex and sometimes puzzling and so are people. Things are not always black and white. Even gray has many shades. And so I learn that I do not have to choose either or. I do not have to throw the baby out with the bath water. There’s always a middle ground and that friendship is many a splendoured thing. Forgiveness is very freeing. Love is all encompassing….peace everlasting.”

I saved those words, perhaps knowing they will help me again. And so they have. I am free. And it is another dawn, full of God’s splendour.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

forgiveness