paranoia

FORGIVENESS AND GETTING THERE

I’m on the last 4 days of this writing journey/challenge. I must forge ahead. I’m almost there. But where is there? I’m remembering a quote that Meister Eckhart had supposedly said. When you get there, you find that there is no there. What and where to then?

Today is a good day to ponder on such things. I’m home alone with Sheba. I have succumbed to the cold bug after putting up much resistence. I don’t feel terribly sick but my chest is sore from coughing. I hesitate to put myself out there, not wanting to infect others. I worry about getting some flack from people about not getting the flu shot. I worry about being Chinese and the coronavirus connection. Perhaps I’m being a little over dramatic but it’s a good day to stay put and drink tea.

The cloudy day is not helpful in dispelling my paranoia. Yesterday I found a dead frozen mouse in the yard. At first I thought it was Sheba’s poop. It was an odd shape and not in her usual spot. On close examination, I saw a long tail and little pink feet all curled up. It gave me the shudders doing a bag pickup. It occurred to me that the troublesome woman next door could have put it there. It was where I couldn’t miss it. She blames her mice problems in her garage on our compost bins. Her garage happens to be full of food products.

I’m trying to let these and other liked thoughts go. I’m listening to Caroline Myss again. Some things are not easy to grasp but some are. Even so, understanding and incorporating them into practice can be difficult. It’s a given that Jesus, the Buddha and other higher beings are about love and forgiveness. But to turn my other cheek can be tough for me to do. That’s what my mother teaches, too. I haven’t succeeded yet, though I am getting a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is.

As Caroline Myss puts it, sometimes there is no reason or explanation to things. Why they happen to us. Why people do what they do AND to us. We are all capable of feeling the same hurt, anger, rage, betrayal, humiliation, etc. We all have the desire for revenge, getting even, getting the other person to say sorry, they were wrong. Jesus experienced all that and died on the cross, a lesson in forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that whatever done is ok. But it is the destroying your appetite for destroying someone else. Even though the other person has the same appetite, you’ve turned your cheek and the spell is broken. I am finally turning my other cheek. I am no longer demanding a debt to be paid.

Wow, I’m super serious today! I am a very serious woman. However, I do have a streak for fun somewhere in me. Let me see if I can find it to take us out of day 28. Oops, I seemed to have wandered off my intended words. Well, tomorrow then.

 

 

PARANOIA DOES NOT BECOMES ME

Another cool morning. Another day for my bedding plants to huddle on the dining room table instead of shivering on the deck. Another poor sleep. I woke up at 3 am for a call of nature. After an hour of laying in bed and visions of my father’s PC Optimum card floating in my head, I decided it was time to get up.

I wonder how reward cards are benefiting us. They sure have us spending much time on collecting points and jumping through hoops for them. I’ve spent quite a bit of time and energy registering, registering and phoning as to why my father lost all his points – 20,000 points($20). Even though I had told them my father can’t understand or speak much Chinese, they said they need his permission to talk about his account. Now I’m spending more time talking about all this. It is really laughable. I would laugh if I didn’t have the cloudy, rainy day blues.

How many other useless gimicks are THEY tricking us with? What is THEIR agenda? What am I MISSING when I refuse to participate in all this? I am sure there is a trick somewhere. Paranoid, you say. You bettcha I am. THEY have eyes and ears everywhere, watching and listening. Did you know that they can spy on you through the camera on your computer? A friend told me that. She throws a towel over the camera aperture. Mrs. Google confirmed that it is possible when I checked. I use her for everything – cooking, baking, how to do practically everything. I suppose my life is an open book. Is that a bad thing? I can’t trip up since I got nothing to give up, not even my privacy.

How is your morning? Hope paranoia is not contagious. I will right myself again once the sun comes up, if it ever will. In the meantime, I’ll go and try to make my own.

Click, Clock! Click Clock!

It’s Thursday.  I’ve been missing my 100 words and Friday Fictioneers.  I’ve dusted off my fiction cap and joining in again.  We’re hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple.  Our mission is to write a story of 100 words inspired by a photo prompt.  Here’s my story to Amy Reese’s photo.  Hope you enjoy.  If you like, you can join in and tell your story.

from-amy-reese
from-amy-reese

My footsteps were so loud.  Click, clock!  Click, clock!  They echoed down the long empty corridor.  I paused and listened.  Was someone following me?  I held my breath.  My skin tingled with anxiety.  Only the thudding of my heart was audible.  Slowly, I turned my head and glanced over my right shoulder.  No one!

I let out my breath.  My shoulders relaxed and dropped.  I started my steps again – slowly and on the tips of my shoes.  The EXIT sign flowed in the distance.  Just then came click, clock.  Click, Clock.  CLICK, CLOCK!  I picked up my heels and ran.