Crowbars and Sledgehammers

Posted on February 21, 2026 by hafong

I’ve been wrestling with my sewing machine for most of this cold morning. I’ve been wrestling with my soul along with my Bernina. I have such a huge guilt complex. I feel I have no sense of discernment. I lack social and relationship skills. I still feel that everything is my fault. It is hard to get a good night’s sleep or a peaceful morning. I should really learn to put up boundaries and a stopwatch on how long to ruminate. This is sapping the life out of me.

Still, I can look at these moments of worrying and fretting as tools of transformation. If everything was smooth as ice, I could just glide along without care. There would be no need for thought or self examination. These prolonged periods of suffering are hammering in the fact that I have to change. I am a slow learner. Pain is a powerful crowbar to open me up, to see what makes me to tick and what needs fixing.

I have fixed my sewing machine problem. I’ve watched numerous YouTube videos on how to unstick a stuck bobbin. I spent an hour and none of them worked. In desperation, I stuck my little screwdriver along the inside edge of the bobbin case instead of the little hole in the back. Lo and behold, it worked! Nevertheless, Bernina Jeff makes very good videos. I wonder where is a good place to crowbar me.

Que Sera Sera

Posted on February 20, 2026 by hafong

Another sunny cold day in my desert. I am slow at the gate, not getting anywhere fast today. I have to be content with stuttering on the keyboard and sipping my cup of instant coffee. Life is hard. People are difficult to understand. I shall not hurt my brain trying to figure them out. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. I will have to let whatever will be, will be. I am not God. I am in search of Him.

He is elusive today. I will have to muddle along among the cacti and sand dunes by myself as well as I can. It is good not to be bothered by the noises and confusion of the outside world. I have to learn to let go of things I cannot change. Not everything and everybody can be saved. I can’t hold on with all my might to everything and everyone. I can’t stop the train thundering down the track. It surely will kill me if I try. It is time to let it go on without me.

In The Desert

Posted on February 19, 2026 by hafong

It is cold in my desert this morning, -28℃. The sun is shining bright. It feels right, almost normal. Even in the desert, it is hard to keep out the noise and the chatter. The Prince has fallen off his horse. There are no knights in shining armour. There are no gurus to lead us out of temptation and evil. We have to rescue ourselves. I’m here in the desert, listening to and for my own wisdom.

We all have it, our own inner wisdom. I have it but I often doubt myself, trusting in the words and teaching of others. It’s not that I have been misled down the wrong garden path. It’s that I’ve always thought that I am wrong and in the wrong. It’s always my fault for whatever. I have been a martyr but I no longer want to be one. It’s a step in recognition. It’ll be another to follow through.

Stepping into the desert has given me the energy I long for. It’s wonderful to feel alive, not moping, not feeling hopelessly lost in inertia. I have finally seeded some onions, shallots, leeks and celery. This morning I practiced my qigong routines. I was surprised it was a bit challenging. I was tired at the end. Now I am in the process of clearing and cleaning the house to welcome in the new year. Cleaning house reminds me of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

40 Days, 40 Nights

Posted on February 18, 2026 by hafong

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I haven’t observe Lent for quite awhile now. Yesterday I was hit by a desire to go into the desert and see if I could find Jesus again. Lo and behold, I find that Lent starts today. I am not sure how I am going to spend the next 40 days and 40 nights. I have my own beliefs of the holy. I have my own way of prayers. All I know is that I have not felt the holy, the awe for such a long time. I miss it and feel lonely without it.

The world is such a strange place to me now. So much evil have come to light. We knew of them deep in our hearts before. It was easy, comfortable and safe not to acknowledge them. Now, there’s nowhere to hide. They are so awful I want to vomit. I want to shout and wail, How could they? Why? All that for power, money and sex? All that for ego? Who are we, these creatures that hurt and kill each other and ourselves?

I hope to find some peace and answers in the quiet of the desert. If not Jesus, maybe I will find my mother and my ancestors who can help me find some comfort. It’s come to me that I can spend these days cleaning within and without. It is said that cleanliness is next to holiness. I believe it. I have so much to tend to in these 40 days and nights.

Chinese New Year

Posted on February 17, 2026 by hafong

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

It’s another new day and year. It is the year of the Fire Horse, which symbolises independence, ambition, and energy. So I might get out of Dodge after all. I didn’t have too much traction yesterday. I still haven’t seeded my onions and peppers. No qigong yet. I’m still ruminating about the past. This morning I was remembering telling someone at work that her husband looked like Lee Marvin, the movie star. I thought it was a compliment but she yelled at me. “Lily, you are just so rude!” That scared the hell out of me. I worried about my lack of judgement and social etiquette. I avoided her like the plague after.

I ruminate about my personality and character alot. I worried about how I measure up to others. Am I ok? Am I selfish, unforgiving, blah, blah, blah. The Epstein File deluge helped me see that we are all very strange creatures, flawed and lacking in so many and different ways. Some of us are very sick. None of us can judge. This makes me feel a whole lot better. It’s probably not the right thing to say. Who cares? I’ve been accused of saying things that people would only think. I think the people saying that to my face are guilty of the same, don’t you think? You can see that I am still ruminating and hurting. Words have a long history.

But this is a new day/new year. Yesterday, I have thrown out 3 things (obsolete keys), vacuumed the whole upstairs floors and did some light dusting. I felt cleaner and less cluttered. I had coffee at my father’s house in the afternoon. We decided we didn’t have to ‘celebrate’ with dim sum or supper out. I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t have anything against ‘celebrations’ and making a big deal about everything. But I do protest against feeling obligated to do so because that is what everybody does. Sometimes it is nice just take off my shoes, let down my hair and relax with a sandwich, pizza, bowl of soup or whatever. I feel celebratory sitting with just a cup of hot tea.

It’s taken me this long to figure this out. I don’t have to do like everybody. It’s ok to be different. I am ok. It makes me happy. Gong hei fat choy” (恭喜发财)!

I Believe in Angels

Posted on February 16, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Monstera Production on Pexels.com

Here’s to my daily struggle to begin the day. My second cup of tea is in front of me. The sun is streaming through the windows. It is very beautiful in my sunroom in this moment. I am at ease. I failed to seed my onions and peppers yesterday. I will try again today. I am pleased that I and the world are not totally bleak and without hope. There are angels afoot whether we know/ believe it or not. They show up unexpectedly and in various disguises. I’m onto them now because I feel a spark in their presence.

While our world is not such a great place now, it is all we got. It’s up to us to make it better. I cannot control what others do, but I have control of what I do. It’s not for me to judge. It’s for me to do better. What can I do better today? Here’s a video that might be useful.

I will start small and try to add on. I hope my angels are watching and lend me a helping hand.

Find ways to curb ruminating on the past
Move more, resume my qigong practice
throw out 3 useless things

Tapping Out the Blues

Posted on February 15, 2026 by hafong

I am, again, wrestling with my every day inertia. It is hard to get out of Dodge. I have so many excuses. They’re all valid. I haven’t yet learned how to turn a deaf ear. I need a fire in my pants or a horse to get me out of town. None available so I’m having another cup of tea and tapping out the blues. Life isn’t fair. It never was. So here I am.

Just where am I exactly? I am here in my sunny sunroom drowning in dust and clutter. At least I am alive and breathing. So are my plants though my little orchid looks a bit thirsty. I got up and gave it a drink. I can still do that. I still have that much energy in me. Hurray for me! I am really surprised remembering that I started seedlings last spring, put in a greenhouse, a garden and a community garden plot last summer. I have no memories of how I did all that.

I look around me now. There’s something on every surface. Where will I put my trays if I could find the will to start some seeds? I know I need to get the onions and peppers going soon. Maybe I can sweep everything off into boxes and deal with them later. That has been my trick these days. It works- till it doesn’t. It’s better than not doing anything. Ok, that will be the plan. I will seed some onions and peppers today.

I feel wretched now. It feels as if I’ve been stuck in Dodge forever. I see no ways of getting out on the horizon. I do know that it will not stay that way. It is alright to struggle a little, be wretched for awhile. It’s ok to be helpless and hopeless for a time. I know help is on the way. I’m sure Marshal Dillon is going to help me out. Meanwhile, I’ll just chill.

Handing it out every day

Posted on February 14, 2026 by hafong

February 14th, a sunny Valentine’s Day. Will you be mine? For some reason I am remembering years back, in grade school. We used to cut out valentines and give them out to each other. It seemed like such a lovely and innocent idea, handing out love. I wonder if it is still done in schools. I wonder why we can’t do that every day, hand out love. There are so many ways. They don’t have to be elaborate and it doesn’t have to be restricted to February 14. We could do it any day or even every day. Wouldn’t that be something? What would the world be like? What would I be like?

Why don’t I try it and see what happens? I am tired of being the tired old me. It isn’t easy as pie to change. One tiny change changes everything and it isn’t always a comfortable fit. I quickly slip back into my well worn comfortable boots. I sigh with relief and ask myself, why try to fight it? Days pass. The comfortable boots no longer bring relief and I scold myself. I need to break in new boots. I need patience. I need to keep trying. The fight continues.

I need to think different thoughts. I need to speak different words. I need to see different visions. I want different outcomes. I want to have different feelings. I will hand out a valentine a day.

On Sadness

Posted on February 13, 2026 by hafong

I’m feeling incredibly sad in the moment. I am going to sink into it and use it for a rest. I am not going to berate myself for not being a better person and rise above it. True, it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the temperature is way above normal for February. I can appreciate all that. At the same time, I know what it tells us about climate change and global warming. It depresses me to no end that some people still think that it is a hoax while I feel our world is ending.

I know, I know, I am way too glum and serious. I acknowledge that but some people are way too glib. I am also a bit under the weather because of all the melting snow. Whether it is too early or not for snow molds, I’ve been experiencing watery eyes, runny nose and fits of dry harsh coughing. I’ve been worried about getting sick like the previous year. I’ve been crossing my fingers and toes. So far, so good. I’m over the worse of it and recovering. Sad as I am, I can still appreciate life and this morning’s beautiful sunrise.

Did I tell you that change is hard? If I hadn’t, I am telling you now. It is very hard and uncomfortable. But it is a whole lot better for me to consciously change than to leave the change to everything and everyone around me. I want to be the director and the captain of my ship. I take responsibility and can’t blame anyone except myself.

I have never found it much help talking to another about feelings. Most people, instead of just listening and accepting, tend to want to explain and fix. It doesn’t work for me because it makes me feel unheard, that there’s something wrong with my feelings. Therefore it makes me feel worse. However, now that I’ve wrestled with and discovered how it makes me feel, I’m feeling better. I am not as sad. There’s light at the end of the keyboard.

Getting Out of Sick

Posted on February 11, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

I am sick and weary of our world. Yesterday another shooting resulting in 9 deaths and 27 injured in Tumbler Ridge, British Coloumbia. The shooter was an 18 year old. What, in Canada? I thought it only happens is the U.S.A.! And 18 years old. When did he have time to learn to hate to kill? And listening to a podcast on the Epstein Files, Explained, I just want to vomit. I’m sick of feeling like this.

I’m trying to do the McGiver/Joe Dispenza stuff. Like Mcgiver, I will utilize whatever I can to fight my villains. What can I do with paperclips and duct tape? How can I use a camera or a can opener to escape from a dangerous situation? Well, think like Joe Dispenza. How can I think greater than I feel? What will quell my nausea? Maybe a large coffee with one cream and sugar at Tim Horton’s. Ha! Ha! I have to tinker with my brain to think and feel different. I think it’s working already. I can almost do a tap dance.

Here’s the thing. Now I know I don’t have to stay stuck in the same groove. I can get out by thinking/acting differently. Being outrageous will do the trick faster. Outrageous is good if it poses no harm/hurt to myself or others. I’m off now to do just that. You know me, though. I am pretty tame. There’s no need to worry.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity