I Could Just Scream

Posted on July 2, 2026 by hafong

I woke up to another cloudy day with promises of more rain. No rain has manifested yet but there is a warning of a severe thunderstorm. I feel like screaming in the moment but I will reserve it for later. I am bushed from the activities of daily living. I need to reserve my energy to take my father out for an afternoon coffee with our friends at the mall. First breathe and a few minutes of rest. I will come back later and let loose.

So I am back from coffee. Now I can natter about there’s no end of things to do when you decide to grow most of your own food. There’s the planning, the ordering of seeds, the starting of them and nuturing of them into healthy seedlings and planting them into the soil wherever that might be. For us there’s the small greenhouse, 6 raised wicking beds outside plus the conventional garden. Then there’s our city allotment garden which is 25 x 40 feet. We can grow a year’s supply of potatoes, beans, peas, beets and carrots. We haven’t been too successful with corn but we do get a small crop. Then I have a small community garden plot which I share with my sister.

It’s alot of garden. It’s alot of work. There’s the maintenance of watering, weeding, harvesting, and storing. Not only that, you have to cook and eat them. I get tired and cranky. We’ve had weeks and weeks of clouds of rain. I haven’t seen the sun for many a days. I am getting very moody. Today I could just scream and scream. But I didn’t.

I am still grateful for many things. With the rains, I haven’t had to water the gardens. Our rain catchments are all full. We won’t get a large water bill. The electric bill is $0 this month due to our solar panels. And there is a $54 surplus despite all the cloudy days. I had a nice coffee with my father and friends at the mall this afternoon. And this post is written for day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. No scream needed this day.

On Words and Challenges

Posted on July 1, 2026 by hafong

July 1, Canada Day and the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My goal is to show up every day in July with a new post. I’m not a new comer to this challenge. As usual I have no planned theme for my writing. I have no business or service to promote. I write because I love words. They are powerful and magical. They can make or break you. So I am careful with my words. Once said, you cannot unsay them. Say the wrong word(s), good will and friendships can be severed, sometimes permanently.

I will try to tread lightly and carefully through July. These are scary and unbelievable times in the USA and the world. I’ve been reading Heather Cox Richardson and Heather Delaney Reese on the political scenes every morning for awhile now. I am surprised at how I am captured by politics as I was never that interested before. I am appalled at how out right corrupt our world is. I am ashamed that I haven’t been paying attention. We should all be paying attention. What happens to one, happens to all. We are all interconnected.

I was born in China during the times of Mao. I don’t know too much about the politics of my birth country except that it is communist and it is considered very bad and dreaded here in the West. I left when I was 6 years old. I don’t remember much but I do have some memories. I remember standing in line with my mother at the market with pieces of paper to buy meat, sugar, etc. Everything was rationed. You were allowed so much and you give so much to the government. I remember hearing the sound of the firing squad. People get killed speaking ill of the government. My mother had to be a witness at one. She said she couldn’t look, pretended and looked at the ground.

With what’s happening in the world today, I am reminded that we are back in those times again. I cannot help but feel sad and bad at all the corruption, injustices and killings. I am remembering my maternal grandmother thrown in jail by Mao and his gang. They took her in place of my grandfather who escaped to Hong Kong. She said heaven saved her and she learned to write her name in jail. Seems ironic now that she didn’t know how to write her name. My grandfather was the principal and mayor of their village. But they were not land owners.

I am, in essence, writing these words for my grandmother and mother in heaven. Hallowed be their names.

Once Upon a Time

Posted on June 21, 2026 by hafong

A cool rainy Sunday, June 21. The moisture is always a welcome. There’s too much cool and clouds this spring and summer. This is the year like no other in so many ways. First, in the unpredictable weather patterns. Second, in world events, mostly in the United States and the Middle East. I feel slightly unhinged. Real life and age are catching up with me. There are no safe harbours and there is no escape. I must face the music. There is no one I want to talk to about this. So here I am, tapping for my health and sanity.

Once upon a time, there was my mother. Her being there was enough. My world now feels a little wobbly without her. It shows that everyone and everything makes a difference in our lives. It’s only after they’re gone that we notice how and what a big difference they make. I am now living in that awareness. It is not an easy thing. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and just drift away. Everything is a huge effort but I do it and not say I will try. Trying is like hoping. It’s like the saying on a hope and a prayer. It conveys a slight chance of succeeding. I don’t like that.

Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I was full of optimism and energy. I was looking forward to the morning the night before so that I could start doing. I was excited about cross country skiing. I was going out every morning all winter, no matter the temperature. It was so invigorating and so much fun even though I wasn’t very good at it. Now my skis are gathering dust. I am not so excited about mornings. This summer they are mostly cool and cloudy. There is no sun rising at 5ish to wake me up.

Once upon a time, I felt young and robust. Now I feel that those times are past. Though my head doesn’t feel ancient, my body begs to be different. My hands are painful, not just stiff, from morning to night. My hips are grumbling, too. I’m not a cry baby, a complainer. Really, I’m not. I’m just remembering how things used to be, mourning loss youth, opportunities and missing my mother. I am working on how to make this life easier and better. It’s a challenge, I know. That makes it interesting and worthwhile. I am not without hope and prayers. I still dream.

Everything Still Matters

Posted on June 16, 2026 by hafong

After a couple of sunny days, it’s back to clouds again. I am wary that I won’t get swept under them also. Sometimes it is hard to stand your ground. It’s hard to put on a brave face, never mind pasting on a smile. I’m a born melancholy baby. Maybe I don’t need to pretend but I won’t let it all hang out either.

I’m learning to live with my creeping bellflowers. I just did some minor maintenance in the front yard this morning. Keeping up and on top of things can kill you. I’m looking at the big picture and trying not to focus on every little thing. The leaf rollers are a different matter. Last year it was aphids. I don’t know which is worse. These caterpillars are attacking my pepper plants, chewing them up. I’ve been picking them off and squishing them daily. If I don’t, I might have any pepper plants left. This morning I threw a crop cover over them to see if that would help.

I do have some good news. Two of my bitter melons have a bloom each. The garden is doing well despite our strange weather this year. The lettuce is finished in the greenhouse but I am harvesting the new crop in the raised bed outside. The French Breakfast radishes are a beautiful and delicious addition for our salads. Things are not growing as they used to but they’re still growing and providing food for the table. It’s a reminder for myself to adjust and adapt to what is here as best as I can. And never lose hope and belief that everything still matters.

Everything still matters and even more so than ever. I can’t afford to get distracted by all the corruption that is happening down south by Donald Trump and his merry crew. It bothers me so much because it reminds me of what helplessness feels like. I’ve been in that place a few times in this life. It feels very bad when you know things are not correct but you can’t do anything about it. It is the worst kind of helplessness. Even so, it is the best time and opportunity to put your best foot forward. I have to remember what Lao Tzu said. A journey of a thousand mile starts with a single step.

Sit and Stay

Posted on June 15, 2026 by hafong

They weren’t kidding when they say that life is messy and hard. Please don’t ask me who the they are. I do not know but I do trust them. It is the middle of June. It is sunny and warm after a couple of weeks of cool cloudy and rainy weather. It felt like so many rainy days but the gardens are still very dry. I was surprised by it when I went to water our community garden plot yesterday. I hadn’t planned on weeding since I did it the week before. I had on my good shoes. There were so many weeds. The soil was so dry that I needn’t worry about wrecking them. I charged in, weeded and then watered. The carrot rows were hard to weed as they and the weeds looked the same. I thought I better leave them alone for now.

This morning I tackled the home front and back with the whipper snipper. It took a couple of hours but both the front and back yards look pretty good now. I was merciless with the creeping bellflowers. It’s much easier to whip rather than dig them out.

My head is a bit clearer with the clearing of the yard. Now I need to do the same for inside of the house. I am once again, hopelessly, drowning in paper clutter. I have no will power and no discipline to deal with them in a timely manner. I’m always scrambling and searching for things I need at the last minute. But at least I did something right today. I didn’t panic or scramble. I phoned for help and got it. It was much better than darting off in person in my car. I wasn’t sure I would get help without making an appointment. I was reluctant to phone because of my hearing impairment. I did fine. I dealt with my issue. I’ve gained confidence in my hearing ability.

Now I’m relaxing with a cup of black decaf and some sourdough bread. I need to just breathe and slow down and empty my head. There’s no need to fill it with useless information. The world is a bit mad right now. I don’t have to make sense of what is going on. I don’t have to join the circus. Just sit and stay.

Things I Used to Do

Posted on June 11, 2026 by hafong

I feel as if I’ve lost a lot of my mojos the last couple of years. I remember my mother telling me that at a certain age, she felt a change in the way she felt. With me, the change came with the passing of my mother. So here I am now, a year and 7 months since she’s left. I don’t feel pleasure in the things I used to do. After many years I’ve abandoned #the100dayproject and the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day challenges. There’s not much pleasure in sharing photos either like I used to. I wonder where it all went.

Looking through my photo library, I see that I used to cook and bake frequently. Now it feels like so much work. Stirfry lunches are a rarity. My baking has been only my usual 6 loaves of bread. No muffins or cookies. Lately I’ve made a rhubarb cake and a sourdough loaf. I’m trying to tease the baking pleasure back into me. I think it is working. I’ve started 2 sourdough loaves this morning. One is with raisins. The other is with chia seeds. It is and isn’t alot of work. The thing is once you start something, you have to finish. That’s how I tease myself into getting things done.

Another thing I have to remember is if something grabs me, just go for it if I can. Otherwise the opportunity might not come again. For instance, in 2020, we had lost our fur baby, Sheba in May. It was a huge loss. In our grief, we did what we could to keep busy. We got this idea of building a greenhouse and grabbed onto it. The two spruce trees came down quickly and the greenhouse got built by late fall. I was excited to start planting in March. Loss propelled me into an exciting and meaningful project.

Life is a circle. This spring I didn’t feel too much zest for planting. But because I’m a seasoned gardener, I did it out of habit anyways. It still works even when I’m not enthused. Things do not have to be perfect or as good as before. It’s ok just by putting in an effort. Now I will have to close up shop. It’s getting into evening. I will have to prep my sourdough to chill overnight for baking tomorrow.

Struggling

Posted on June 8, 2026 by hafong

I have been consumed with garden and yard work for the last few days. I’m ready for some rest. The only way to do it is not to step outside because once I do, I get called in so many directions. The work outside is so much easier than the work inside. I’m resisting the calls. Sometimes it is hard when the sun comes out as it has now. I’m tempted to step out to see what is happening. There’s also dark clouds overhead. It is close to lunch time. I better stay and stir up something to eat instead.

I struggled making lunch. It would be easier to slap two sandwiches together. I want to make a better effort since the greenhouse has produced some snow peas. It’s good to make a tasty stirfry using things we grew. So I suffered the pain, chopping up our home grown garlic and onion. I diced some store bought ginger and chopped celery from the Co-op. Our celery are still pretty small. First I fried the garlic, then tossed in the onion and ginger. Next was the pork cut in small pieces. The snow peas and celery came last. It was worth the effort. It was a very tasty meal.

I’m struggling writing this post. I’ve been fighting off sleepiness since after lunch. It’s difficult but I haven’t given in. I know how Donald Trump feels. Lucky I’m a few years younger and probably healthier. That brings up another thing. I am appalled and disgusted at how corrupt he and his merry gang are. Where is their conscience? They look like a bunch of gangsters. What flows in their veins? And talking about being appalled and disgusted, I’ve just became aware of the 2 recent incidences of domestic violence.

The Shreveport shooting on April 19, 2026. 8 children between 3 and 11 were killed. 7 were the gunman’s children, one was his nephew.
April 16, 2026 Justin Fairfax, former Lt. Governor of Virginia shot his wife and then himself.

It’s no wonder I struggle. I read nothing but bad news stories. Are there any good news? Seems like most news are fake. Then there’s the weather. It is just plain unpredictable. After a couple of weeks of heat, it is all over. We are in the cool and cloudy stretch. The sun does come out to tease you now and then. And you never know what to wear. This morning was jacket and glove kind of weather. At least I am not sweating it.

All Gardened Out

Posted on June 2, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy and cool June 2. A tired me. This is my usual state at this time of the day. Living seems to be a busy affair. There’s no end of things to tend to once you get out of bed in the morning. Once I started moving, there was no stopping. There’s laundry to put away, floors to vacuum, lunch to be made and dishes to do after. If I stop, I won’t be able to start again.

Today is a rest from the garden. I am itching a bit to do some more planting but I am tired. I have done a pile of gardening in the last few days. Our allotment is all done. I did most of the seeding and planting as the guy’s back is acting up again. He does the stand up stuff and I do the squatting chores. I am sure my thigh muscles are pretty strong now. At times they were screaming with pain as those rows of onions went on and on. Then there was the beets and peas. The beans and corn seemed easier and faster. The potatoes were the easiest, as I only have to drop a seed potato in hole the guy made. I have the pea and bean picking to look forward to in the fall. I will take a stool along for that job.

On the home front, all 6 raised beds are planted. There’s still parts of the ground garden to do but all the squash are planted. It was the hardest part as the bed was overgrown with weeds and hard as rocks. It took me a good part of the morning to weed, mulch, add manure and plant. Of course, it was when it was really, really hot. I was sweaty as a pig after but I was happy with how happy the squashes looked. I hope they each will have enough elbow room.

These are the 3 raised beds in the backyard. I will show the 3 in the front and our community garden another time.

Meanwhile in the greenhouse, things are looking pretty good. I’ve harvested some snowpeas for my dad. The lettuce and Chinese cabbage are doing great. The cucumbers are slow and still small. I think I will get some bitter melons this year. I have 11 plants in the greenhouse. I put 2 in the raised bed outside to see if they will have enought time and heat to produce.

May and June

Posted on June 1, 2026 by hafong

I was ahead of myself the other day, thinking it was the last day in May. There are 31 days in the month. I never made it here on its last day. There is just too many things to do. My head has been a bit wonky. It makes it’s a little harder to get my shit together. I wonder if it’s my age or our present day crazy world. I suspect it’s both. It is difficult to be sane in an insane world. There’s no point in whining about the woes of the world. It has never helped.

So it is the first of June. Our +30℃ heat wave has ended. After two cloudy days, it finally rained in the afternoon. Praise the lord! No watering at the community garden. No watering the home garden or the greenhouse. No less work though. Plenty of weeding in between raindrops. I had to take advantage of the moist soft ground to get those damn weeds out. I think I am getting cranky. I’ve been going full tilt all day and I am tired.

This morning at the gym, I did 2 sets of 50 skips each and 2 minutes on the Stair Climber. You might scoff at the 2 minutes but even one minute was hard. i had to push and will myself to do the two. As for my effort of taking my tea/coffee black, it didn’t lose me any weight. I will continue though. After 2 weeks of drinking them black, I lost my craving for another cup of tea/coffee. Before, I was always wanting another cuppa. It feels good not to have those cravings.

I also baked 6 loaves of bread today. No wonder I feel done in. I am going to call it a day.

The Last of May

Posted on May 30, 2026 by hafong

May 30th, the last day of the month. It’s another warm day though it is not quite as hot as the previous few days. There is a breeze and there are clouds. These days, I have to do my gardening in the morning or in the evening when the sun has gone down. Some days I’m working both ends of the day. Otherwise there will be no veggies or flowers. There’ll be nothing but weeds. For me that’s a sign of mental health problems. So I put on my big girl’s pants, pull up my socks and buckle up my shoes. I got out my trowel, pitch fork, hoe, whipper snipper and got to work.

First I finished planting the raised bed in the front. Half of it has been planted with kohlrabi and a couple of cucumbers. I finished filling it with celery. It is a good companion for the brassica family. A butternut squash filled in the emplty corner. I gave the whole bed a good watering. The grass has shot up in the heat. And those hateful creeping bellflowers are thriving in massive clumps all over the place. The new batteries for the whipper snipper are working great for whipping them and the grass down to the ground level. I was a sweaty mess at the end of it.

After a little rest and quenching my thirst, I packed my equipment in the car along with some bedding plants and headed over to my father’s. I was going to plant my mother’s front flower bed today, no matter what. It was not an easy task as they were really dry and overgrown with weeds. After some digging and hoeing and weeding, I planted some wave petunias and marigolds in one bed. I gave it a good soaking. Then I tackled the bed on the other side. It was tougher because I was hot, sweating and really tired by then. But I was determined and got over half the bed dug and cleared. It was good enough to plant half a dozen or so Chinese edible chrysanthemums. My father came out to watch but I had no spare energy to visit beyond a few words. After another thorough watering of everything I planted, I came home and crashed.

It is nice to have the time to myself, not having to talk or care for anyone. I can just wilt in peace and not think of anything or anyone. A water melon would have been nice but lacking that, a nice big juicy ambrosia apple was good enough. When I thirsting for something cold and wet, it is hot and dry.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity