Morning Sickness

Posted on February 3, 2026 by hafong

There was none of that comfy warm snuggling into the quilt this morning. There was nothing but the weight of the world on my soul and toxic thoughts making circuits in my brain. All that made me nauseous. I want to throw up. It was better to get up and put a stop to it. Though I think I know all the tricks to help myself, I still like to search for the perfect solution.

I know that everything feels worse than they actually are when I am in this mode. I do not fret much but I rather not be languishing in my misery either. So I do dress up and show up. I’ve even drawn my eyebrows in. No earrings yet. My house feels like a disaster. It feels as cluttered as my head. I’ve cleaned the upstairs and downstairs batheroom. Dusted, sprayed, wiped and gathered up the near empty cleaning solution bottles. I am not feeling better but I am working on it.

It cheers me to see videos of the people protesting in Minnesota. It’s good to see their passion for their rights. At the same time it disturbs me to see they had to go to that length and it still goes on. The memory of seeing Renee Good and Alex Pretti getting shot makes me sick. There’s nothing I can do except maybe turn off the news. Feelig sick and helpless does not help. Time for a coffee break. Tomorrow is another day.

Heart Month

Posted on February 2, 2026 by hafong

February is heart month. I am letting that guide me through my days. Though Iife feels bland and senseless to me in these moments, I need not announce it or rain on someone else’s parade. This is the space to unload and work through those dark and messy things. What are feelings anyways? Are they real? What if I don’t have those feelings? How will I be? These are the questions that pop up from remembering The Work of Byron Katie.

I can be good at setting goals and intentions but not so great at carrying them out. It’s like people making New Year’s resolutions and dropping them by February. It’s difficult to follow through, day after day. It’s easy to lose heart. It is easy to fall into “I don’t care.” It is easy to throw up my hands and give up. I’ve done that numerous times. I’ve gotten back on track again many times. The thing I don’t do is make progress. I don’t pick up where I had left off. I always go back and start again at the beginning. It’s easier doing something you’ve done before.

How am I going to get out of that rut? How do I walk a different path so that I don’t fall back into the same hole? I’ve writtin many times about the same problem. I am writing about it again. How can I sing another song? I have the rest of February to wrestle with it. I am going to follow through.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson

Staying Positive

Posted on February 1, 2026 by hafong

It’s February 1, 2026. A new month, a new day and another beginning. It’s cloudy and only -10℃. I think we had freezing rain overnight again. It’ll be slippery as hell out. Can you tell I am not in the best of spirits? I think I have a low grade depression. I think my iMac is, too. It’s stuttering, annoying the heck out of me. I am treading carefully, not wanting to slide off the low grade into the deep zone.

I was never one of those who woke up on the right side of the bed and bounced whistling into the shower. I curled and nestled deeper into the covers and didn’t rise till after 7 this morning. But there were times in the past when I looked forward to the morning going to bed the night before. I have it in me to be exuberant and joyful. I’m going through a bit of a snag right now. I find it hard to move. I have no desire to move. I’m not struggling but just sinking in my quagmire. I wonder who else is it with me.

I do still have a tiny glimmer within me, that streak of MacGyver. I think I can get out of this. I have to think like him. I have the tools.I have read and listen to all those self-help books on everything. I could probably do a workshop if I have a mind to. And that is the thing – I do have a mind to stay positive. That will be my goal for this February, to find ways to reboot/recharge myself.

I have soup bones souping in the Instant Pot. I must run and throw in a few more things to stir the pot. I hope to come back here again tomorrow.

Endings and Beginnings

Posted on January 31, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Mauru00edcio Mascaro on Pexels.com

The last day of January and the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was not a strong or consistant beginning for me. I did not show up every day. However, I came alive in the second half. I’m quite happy with that. I’m here now, dressed, hair combed, earrings and hearing aids in, eyebrows lightly etched in. I’m ready for the last hurrah.

Though I failed to show up every day, I consider this challenge a success. I coaxed my words out of lassitude. I watched as they marched slowly and unsteadily across the screen. It was very rewarding to see them gaining momentum and then to flow smoothly into a post. I’m learning that it’s ok to miss a day or two. The important thing is to get back and try again. I’m learning, too, that my own words can heal. They still smooth and sooth my soul. They need not be many or grand. Simple and few can fill me up.

The pleasure of a challenge comes from sharing with others. Thank you to my fellow participants for their words. I’ve learned much from all of you. Thank you to Paul Taubman, the maestro of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am not sure what happened but I’ve experienced unusual high traffic on my site this month. What a wonderful feeling to end on.

Tomorrow is February and a new beginning. How will I begin?

In Our Mother’s Closets

Posted on January 30, 2026 by hafong

January 30th, 2nd last day of the month and of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is the end of the day. I am tired. A busy productive day consisting of my sister and I taking our father to see the internal medicine doctor early in the morning.This past year has been many office, walkin-in and ER visits since our mother passed. We are all so vulnerable the first year after a significant death. And more so when the person is 94 and it is a spousal death.

We’ve all worked hard taking care of our father. The doctors commended our efforts. Our father is doing well now. They wouldn’t change a thing. They gave suggestions for possible things to do if such and such arise. And they will set up a follow up appointment in a month’s time. We are pleased that there will be a follow up and hope that it will hold up. Less doctor visits would be good.

There was still a lot of morning left after the appointment. We had planned to work on clearing more of our mother’s clothes before taking dad out for lunch. We hadn’t realized how much more there still was. This time wasn’t as emotionally difficult as the first closet we did last year. I even dare to say it was fun. We had alot of giggles and Oh my gods! as we pull out each item and tried them on. Our mother kept everything in very good condition. She must have kept all the things we had given her for Christmases and Mother’s Days. We never celebrate hers or dad’s birthdays either. We celebrated the kids’, her grandkids’ birthdays.

We got ambitious and went to the downstairs closets after lunch. Wow! There’s no need to go shopping. We could just shop at mom’s. She even kept some of our clothes for us. I pulled out the dress I sewed for my sister for her high school graduation. I had forgotten what it looked like. I couldn’t believe that it was me that sewed that dress. And I did it on my simple Kenmore from Sears. My sister couldn’t quite believe she could still get into the dress. Unfortunately she couldn’t quite zip it up in the back. Just one size too small.

I dropped 2 bags off at the clothing donation place. I have plans of using the cotton blouses to make another logcabin quilt. This one will be for my sister.

Tripping Around the Sun

Posted on January 29, 2026 by hafong

I completed another trip around the sun yesterday. The best gift was falling into sleep slumber after my head hit the pillow. I had a few nodding off during the evening movie. Though it was an Oscar Winner, I couldn’t make much sense of it with my little naps here and there. Nothing makes sense to me nowadays. The world is not orderly without my mother as an anchor. Sometimes I feel I’m behaving madly and very badly. I hope my night of sleep have reset me to the best operational mode.

I am not one for birthdays or parties. I don’t like alot of fuss. I can’t explain that myself. Who doesn’t want the celebration of the self? I’m all for that but fuss and attention not so much. Maybe I never had much of that growing up. I’m not used to it. I was born in China. I remembered getting a boiled egg on a birthday. It symbolizes new life, renewal and good fortune. And a chicken drumstick symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the future. I remember getting both on birthdays in China. No birthday cakes or gifts.

I left China at age 8. I don’t remember getting anything for birthdays in Canada. Our whole applecart was upset being in a new country and culture. I got invited to some birthday parties. Then there was Christmas and Easter. We didn’t celebrate like the rest of the town. We did get Christmas trees after awhile. My mother made us new clothes for the new year. We didn’t do birthday cakes or Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys. I felt our foreigness and of looking in from the outside.

Now, I have grown out of all that. We don’t all have to do the same, dress the same, think the same, celebrate the same…Or maybe we do have to do the same and be the same. Look at what is happening south of the border, in Minneapolis. Listen to the witness describing the Alex Pretti killing. It’s like I’m watching a horrible movie. It is not a movie we can step out of. But I have to step out, shut out, and turn off the world now and then. It’s time for a birthday lunch. We’re doing Japanese.

The Next Thing to Do

Posted on January 28, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy misty January 28th. Only -18℃. Almost tropical weather for us northern snowbirds. My head feels a bit like pillow stuffings. I had one of those sleepless nights, not terribly restless but not restful either. I probably slept too much the other night. Didn’t go to the gym yesterday either. Then there’s all that thinking and ruminating. I was never any good at solving human problems. I was never any good at communications. I was never good at being open and clear. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I end up hurting my own. I think I am what you would call a self-suffering fool.

You know what they say about fools. They keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I’m guilty of that. I’ve been trying to unbecome myself for a long time with no luck. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself a couple of times. I’m still the same self-suffering fool. Knowledge without real work does not create long lasting change. So I continue to experience these episodes of suffering and sleepless nights. I guess it’s not a bad thing. It wakes me up. I need to change my ways. I need to stop doing the same old, same old. I have to shake things up a little. Discomfort for everyone can be illuminating.

Daily Ranting

Posted on January 27, 2026 by hafong

It’s a balmy sunny -21℃ January 27th. I should be full of vim and vinegar but I am not. Our flip flopping weather and the world at large have taken a toll on me. I slept in till almost 9 am. Now, I’m sitting, heavy and sodden with a sourdough pancakes and ham breakfast. I’m wondering what I shall I write for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having seen Downfall, a movie about Hitler’s last days a couple of evenings ago, I can’t help but see the similiarity of what is happening today in the U.S. Then and now, so many people are so admiring and loyal to Hitler and Trump even when their evil is so obvious. And I can’t help but think of the Vietnam war, having watched Platoon last night.

Clearly, I am thinking too much. But is it bad or wrong? Should I not be thinking and questioning? My thinking still led me further to remembering Jonestown. And I wondered if we’ve been gassed, sprayed with agent orange and drank the kool aide. I know I am thinking and talking crazy. It’s not my fault. The world is crazy. And crazy things have happened. I’m thinking and working out how best to live without going crazy. I really meant to write about how daily practices help maintain and improve mental health. I’ve wandered far off the path and ranted instead. Maybe tomorrow I can steer myself back in.

Mad as a Hatter

Posted on January 26, 2026 by hafong

I’m still mad as hell, breathing fire and brimstone, that the world is not according to how I would like it. I feel like bashing my head on the desk. Who do I think I am anyways that I could put in such an order? When has anybody listened and heard me? Perhaps that’s what infuriates me the most, my insignificance and helplessness.

There! I’ve said it outloud. I’m feeling better. It’s like getting a bit of oxygen when you’re gasping for air. I’m feeling like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. Wonderland would be a good place to be in for a mind break. I could have tea with the Mad Hatter, March Hare and Door Mouse and talk nonsense.

I really enjoy these wonderful lines.

From Alice.

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
“What is the use of a book,’ thought Alice, ‘without pictures or conversations?”
“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”
“Curiouser and curiouser!”

From the Mad Hatter & March Hare:

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
“If you knew Time as well as I do… you wouldn’t talk about wasting it.”
“Begin at the beginning,’ the King said, very gravely, ‘and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
“You used to be much more… muchier. You’ve lost your muchness.”

From the Cheshire Cat:

“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road can take you there.”
“You may have noticed, I’m not all there myself.”

I haven’t been all there or here lately myself. But I think I’ve chased the madness out of me. I’m feeling much, much better now. What a relief, eh!

Mad As Hell

Posted on January 25, 2026 by hafong

I’m feeling no pleasure or contentment this morning. I’m mad as hell, sorry I can’t say “And I won’t take it any more“. It’s distressing to learn of another shooting in Minneapolis, the killing of Alex Pretti. It’s distressing to know I am not God and I don’t have any power to change any of the chaos happening in our present day world. Yes, I am mad as hell. I can still yell and rant, let off steam and think of what I can do/change.

We are still in frigid temperatures but the morning is bright and sunny. I am sipping my second cup of tea. I am tapping and trying to still my inner turmoil. There’s much not right within as there is without. I confess, I am not blameless. I am not perfect. It makes me mad as hell. I’m breathing out smoke and fire. I am keeping my head and my mouth shut. I will not talk about my list of sins. They are bigger in my head than in reality. I am perhaps full of self importance. I need to lighten up.

Here’s what I will do. Finish my tea. Finish this post. Practice ASL with Bill Vicars on YouTube. I know the whole alphabet. It is relaxing practicing my abc’s. Not so good with fingerspelling. It is so fast and my brain is so slow. It sure takes my mind off the toxic stuff. I am learning another language and improving my brain health.

Yikes, it is almost lunch time. I have to get my mind out of the toxic soup and get a move on. The day is marching on. Another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity