A Surprising Thing

Posted on March 26, 2026 by hafong

This morning was difficult for me to navigate. You could say I was feeling the lowest ever. No positivity any where near the horizon. The weather had turned cold. Snow was falling from a grey sky. I had a morning dental appointment. Iran and Donald Trump still heavy on my mind. Unresolved and undissolved disappointment with another human being. I have yet to learn acceptance of others as they are. I was a glum and unapproachable person.

It’s another morning. It is colder. The sun is pale, peaking through a grey sky. We’ve had a little more snow. The greenhouse has dipped into minus temperatures again. The greens I have seeded a few days ago won’t be germinating any time soon. Meanwhile, our world is just as dangerous, a push button away from never returning. There is a reason why buttons are dangerous, not only to toddlers but to kings and presidents as well.

I am, however, not as glum as I thought. It was a surprising thing for me to discover that yesterday. I can bounce back. It happened at the dentist’s office. What it took was just a change of scenery, getting into the car and into traffic and arriving at my destination. I had to interact with the receptionist, then the hygienist and dentist. All that disrupted my thoughts and feelings. I had to stop that in order to deal with what’s at hand. Such a simple thing, eh?

It is not that simple, of course, but it is a springboard into better thinking and moods. It stopped my rumination and regurgitation of the same old, same old. I have to keep working at it. It is not a one time fix. I have this habit of falling into the same hole. Don’t we all? So don’t sit with it. Move, move, and move some more.

Not Sure of Anything

Posted on March 24, 2026 by hafong

I’m not sure how the rest of the world is getting up in the morning in our present reality. For myself, it is a major event. Once, not that long ago, I looked forward to the morning the night before. Now I linger in bed, not so keen. I still get up, dress up and show up because that is what I do. It is a habit that I have adopted from Regina Brett’s book, God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours. It is lesson 46 that says: “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life“.

When the going gets tough, slogans/pep talks can push me out of bed. So here I am, pecking away on my keyboard, trying to keep my spirit afloat. There’s not much I can do on the world wide stage. There’s still things I can do in my own backyard. Those things include not falling into despair and blame things and people out of my control for anything and everything. There’s still freedom of choice of what to read and watch. I have no choice over family but I can choose who I spend my time with.

I haven’t mastered the fine art of forgiveness yet. It’s a struggle for me. It’s hard to let sleeping dogs lie. I really must. It is necessary for my health. I am not sure I can do this hard thing but I am still trying.

There’s a Crack in Everyone/Everything

Posted on March 21, 2026 by hafong

A very grey March afternoon. The plus temperatures have melted much of the snow. There’s water everywhere. There is snow in the forecast for the next three days. I have been stuck for the last while but I don’t know where. I’m not going forward or backward. I am resigned and not fighting it. Because what is the use? How can I fight this unknown thing, condition, feeling? What could I fight it with?

Not much snow came. It is morning. Another grey day. I am not quite as downcast. I have to say that our world is broken. There is a crack in everything and everyone. I am not sure if that’s where the light comes in. I do not feel apologetic about my ‘negative’ but appropriate mood. To feel otherwise would be unnatural and denying reality. I no longer buy into the myth of “I can rise above everything.” Sometimes I can’t and it is ok. There is nothing wrong with me. I do not need to fix myself. I do not need counselling or medication. Life is not always a bed of roses.

Like Donald Trump, I have no plans on how to move forward. But I am not impulsive. I have no energy to do anything rash. I am not reckless by nature. Yesterday, driving to Tim Horton’s for a large coffee was exciting enough for me. Being in a coffeehouse wafting with aromas of coffee and baking and bustling with customers helped to reset my mood from gloom to a brighter hue. Today, I plan to work in the greenhouse, cleaning it of what remains of last year’s growth. It is warm enough now to seed some lettuce and spinach. I think I can manage that.

Now it is almost time to think about making lunch.

Nostalgia and Bad Dreams

Posted on March 17, 2026 by hafong

A sunny March afternoon. There are so many things that I could be doing. I just don’t feel like it. I’m like a petulant child having a quiet little tantrum by myself. I wonder how and what you all out there are doing. Probably all better and having more fun than me. I am reminded of summer holidays of long ago in Maidstone. The town is super quiet. School is out. The farmers are in the field. Everyone else is at the lake or just out of town. Everyone, except us, the Chinese people running the cafes. I’m remembering how lonely and isolated I felt as a child and teenager. We seldom went anywhere except to North Battleford to the dentist or optometrist when needed.

I wonder if that is why I don’t like fun. I prefer cuddling up at home with a book. We didn’t have a library in Maidstone back then. A library on a bus comes once every so often. I could also order books from the library in Regina. They send them on the Greyhound bus. The books I remember are Little House on the Prairie, Trixie Belden and the Hardy Boys. I love reading movie star magazines and Superman comic books. I would stop at the corner store on the way home from school and browse the racks. Sometimes I would get a pack of gum, the ones with movie star cards in them. One summer I bought Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities at the drugstore. I was in high school then and desperate for reading material. We didn’t have Facebook then. It was a hard read. That I remember.

Now there’s too much to read and all at my fingertips. I’m over satiated by Donald Trump buffooneries. Surely he must know and hear what he is saying. I am wondering if they are all a deliberate act to draw attention away from something more serious and sinister. Surely if he carries on much longer, could they not impeach him for mental derangement? Seriously I find everything too absurd to be real. Did Trump really call Gavin Newsom the president of the United States? Did he forget who himself was? I wonder if I had fallen down the rabbit hole and sustained a head injury. And all this is just a bad dream. I wonder how I can wake up.

Wonder

Posted on March 16, 2026 by hafong

I think it is silly of me to insist that I feel better when I don’t. It is pretty hard to ignore the crazy stuff that is happening – the Epstein Files, the rants from President of the United States, and the wars he has caused.These are serious times and I feel seriously affected. I am not respectful of myself if I don’t allow myself to respond to these events with whatever feelings that come up. Similarly, losing my mother is a serious loss no matter how old she was. It is natural that I am sad. I know life goes on. I am happy she is not suffering any more but I can still mourn the loss. It is ok that I still feel sad now and again.

There’s no need for me to apologize for being human. There’s no need to fix anything.There’s no need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Things, along with feelings, somehow evolve on their own. There are things that we do not have control over. Just when I am feeling the lowest, I noticed that my peppers are starting to germinate. I’ve been starting seeds for many years now. I am still surprised when I see a speck of green poking through the soil. I worry every year that they won’t. It is such a wonder to see every spring when they do.

Though life may look bleak and the world seem to be on the brink of disaster, I can still feel moments of wonder. I feel ok and normal with all my feelings. There is still tomorrow and I still have words.

Pulling Myself Up

Posted on March 15, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Ali Alcu00e1ntara on Pexels.com

A sunny March 15th. I think I shall live after all. I woke up feeling fine with just a small cough and not drowning in mucus. I can’t say enough how fine healthy feels. I was very worried for a few days. I am celebrating with a second cup of tea. Here’s to our health! I’m putting the ‘hard stuff’ behind me. I’m looking forward to spring and the new growing season. My onion seedlings are doing nicely. They’ve had their first haircut. The celery will need to be transplanted soon or they will get too leggy. In another week or so they can all be moved into the greenhouse.

However, afternoons are still tough for me. My energy and positivity vanished, replaced by a low grade depression. I hope it won’t last 2 years like Google says. Perhaps I should not call it a low grade depression or what is medically termed as Dysthymia. I certainly don’t think I need medication or professional help. I feel better alrlealdy by going out for a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate cake at the nearby bookstore. A change of scenery seemed to have chase the fatigue away. Now if I can totally get rid of this damn cold. If all the bad people involved in the Epstein Files get what they deserved and if Donald Trump get impeached, it would help my mental health alot. While I’m with the ifs, it would be nice if there was no fake news.

There are too many if(s). The world is a whole shit load of a mess. It’s hard not to get depressed. I need to get my head out of it. I need more mornings and less afternoons. I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I need to write different words and different thoughts. I can do it.

Marching Along

Posted on March 14, 2026 by hafong

March is marching along. I wish I could say the same for myself. I’m moving judiciously through the morning so I will have enough energy to navigate the whole day. I’m making use of my gadgets to do the hard work. The iRobot Roomba is doing the vacuum. I will load up the dishwasher and let it do its job. I have soup from yesterday. Soup actually takes quite a bit of work to make even with an Instant Pot. There’s the gathering up of ingredients, washing and chopping vegetables, etc. You don’t feel the energy drain when you are feeling well. When you are not, even opening up a can is tiring.

Even thinking seems to burn up lots of energy. It’s hard to sit and be blank for any length of time. That was yesterday. I gave up on willing myself to feel better and laid down for a short nap. It was not an easy task. It took some time of restless discomfort before I could sink into the warmth of the comforter. The 20 minute of rest was surprisingly restorative. I tried it again today with similar results. I’m starting to enjoy these periods of snuggling in bed. They are very healing. It’s good to let go of everything for a short while. I don’t need to march anywhere. Rest is my new motto.

The World Has Gone Mad

Posted on March 12, 2026 by hafong

Getting rid of my cold is proving to be a hard task. I try not to despair. I try to stay positive. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I feel great. Then I get hit with a bout of coughing and heavy fatigue. Meanwhile no peace is evident on the global front. The world is on fire. One cannot blame Iran for defending itself from one mad man’s insanity. It feels like a dream, a nightmare, a TV reality show.

There is nothing to do but buckle up, take a tylenol and put my best foot forward. Best that I would not look at any news feed. I’ve done my running around this afternoon, shopping for my father and myself and stopping in to have a coffee with him. I feel all done in. The best thing to do now is drink my fluids, stay calm and rest. Not so easy as this is getting towards the end of the 2nd week. I am frustrated and tired. But I shall chill. There shall be no sewing today. And no cutting of fabric though I’ve just got what is considered the best tailor scissors in the world. It’s a Kai 7230 9 inch professional shears. What a treat! It cuts through fabric like butter with no noise at all, whereas my cheap ones moaned and groaned.

I’m feeling better just thinking about that cutting experience. I have to remember to treat myself better with more luxury items. I can afford to and am worth it. I should not wait. There might be no tomorrow.

It’s a Difficult Life

Posted on March 10, 2026 by hafong

Nowadays I like to start my morning reading the two Heathers. They are strong women. They speak the truth. They educate me to care, to listen and that I can make a difference. I’ve become politically interested and engaged. The Heathers are Heather Cox Richardson and Heather Delaney Reese. I’m always a truth seeker and speaker. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I find life difficult. Another one is I am a woman of colour and an immigrant. Though I come from a culture where sons are preferred over daughters, my parents weren’t of that mind. My paternal grandmother was though.

She had no influence over how I felt about myself. I grew up feeling I am a person of worth. I’ve never thought I was less because I am female or because I am an Asian. I come from strong stock. My maternal grandfather escaped the clutches of Mao but not my grandmother. She was thrown in jail in his place. She survived and thrived. They had done nothing wrong. My grandfather was a teacher and mayor of their village. My grandmother was a housewife. They were not landowners. They were persecuted because of jealousy and fake stories. That’s been many years ago. Both of them have been gone for many years but their story still lives in me.

It is the 10th of March. We had snow overnight. The sun is shining bright. The thermometer dips and rises unpredictably. One day is spring. The next it is winter. My cold is better but the cough lingers. I feel better and worse at the same time. I am sickened by Donald Trump and his wars. I wonder what all the bombing and destruction are doing to the environment. In this moment, I have no positive bone in my body. It is a difficult life but I must rise and take charge of this one precious one that I have. What will I do? A little this, a little that. It all adds up. What will you do?

Slow Living

Posted on March 8, 2026 by hafong

It is March 8th. It rained this morning. It is day 15 of #the100dayproject. I have been working a little on it each day. My cold is still hampering me. I can’t go great guns with anything. However, I am happier with this slower pace of living and sewing. I am enjoying the process more. I have 5 completed logcabin blocks and 2 partial ones. I continued to be my usual disorganized self, not having my fabrics sorted to darks and lights. I don’t have all the strips cut either. I am in continuous state of search for the best strip.

It is a grey dismal day.This world is going nowheres fast except maybe to war. I am astounded by this world we’re in, aren’t you? I feel as if we are in a fake reality show. The only trouble is, it is not fake. It is not a bad idea to stick my head in the sand, ignore all this madness and do the things that nourishes me. Wake me when it is all over.

I had coffee with my 94 year old father this afternoon. We talked about the times from way back. He still has a good memory. The very first house we lived in was behind the cafe. It was owned by the town doctor. The rent was $7/month. It had 2 rooms. The linoleum was peeling. The next house was by the highway, across from the railway station. It was owned by grain elevator company. The rent was $20/month.It was bigger but not really better. My foot went through the floor board in a bedroom.

It was good to have memories to share. We hadn’t shared or conversed much before. We had a laugh over the rent. Who would have thought I could do this with my father?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity