Having Faith

Posted on February 8, 2026 by hafong

February 8th. Cloudy, 0℃, freezing rain warning and snow forecasted. For far, so good. No rain nor snow. I’m still recovering from my cold or whatever I’m afflicted with. My cough is less and looser. So my self ministering works. I’ve been drinking almost nonstop for a couple of days – tea, decaf, herbal tea, hot water. So much sometimes I don’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. Then there’s the tylenol and neti pot saline rinses. I tried to stop this cold but even when I felt it coming, I couldn’t stop it. It had to have its day. It was like trying to stop a charging bull, a speeding train or a tsumani. Though I couldn’t stop it, I’ve lessened the impact.

Now that I have the momentum, I’m still tapping on the keyboard. It keeps me sane. It’s enough reason to keep going. I feel like I have someone to talk to, someone who understands, doesn’t judge and doesn’t talk back. There’s nothing that could make me feel worse than someone trying to make me see sense, see ‘the other side’. It’s something that I need to do for myself. What I need is to have the faith, trust in my feelings and intuition, lay low, stay quiet and let things be.

Though technically we are connected 24/7, I don’t feel we are connected emotionally at all. There’s this distance and emptiness. It’s difficult to have the faith. I’m working on it. I’m lonely without it. I miss my mother. I miss how things used to be. I can’t understand anything any more. Perhaps I shouldn’t try so hard to understand but it is surprising to find Dr. Phil showing up at ICE Raids. And why all the fury on immigrants? Aren’t we all immigrants here in North America except for the aboriginals? Aren’t we all human inhabitants of the planet? Doesn’t it belong to all of us?

Why are we killing each other? It’s making me furious. I feel like we’re experiencing a global autoimmune disorder. We are attacking each other. We are each other’s enemy. For this, I need to find and keep the faith that we can do better. I am tired. I need to just shut up and believe and be strong.

Fallen Heroes and Heroines

Posted on February 7, 2026 by hafong

It’s a dreary wet cloudy February Saturday. I wonder if the sun will shine again. I wonder if our winters will get back to normal. Lethbridge, Alberta reached a high of 20℃ on Wednesday. Can you imagine that? I wouldn’t think they would have any snow left. Maybe the grass will start to grow. Maybe, Maybe there’s no such thing as global warming. Maybe there was no such person as Jeffrey Epstein. Maybe there’s no such thing as the Epstein files. Maybe it’s just a bad dream I had.

So many well known names had been mentioned that I had wondered if Oprah’s name would come up in the files. So far there’s no evidence of involvement though there’s attempt to malign her. However, I was surprised to learn the story of John Of God, a Brazilian spiritual healer. He is convicted of sexual abuse and sentenced to over 100 years in jail. Oprah had featured him on her show in 2010 and 2013. It is fair to say that she promoted him.

From AI:

Oprah Winfrey described her 2012 visit to João Teixeira de Faria, known as “John of God,” as an “overwhelming sense of peace”. Following her visit, which aired on Oprah’s Next Chapter in 2013, she expressed fascination with his, at the time, highly regarded spiritual healing methods and “psychic surgeries”. X +4

I guess we can all be led astray. It is sad to learn that just because Oprah says something or someone is good doesn’t mean that it is. In this case it caused alot of harm. I wonder how much research Oprah’s team did before featuring him. This leads me to wonder about Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil. I haven’t followed Oprah for many years but I was an ardent fan.

Maybe I should shut up now. I am feeling better today but I probably am not in my right mind. Life is hazardous and scary. Maybe that’s what exciting is.

PJ Day

Posted on February 6, 2026 by hafong

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

February 6th. It’s grey as grey can be all day. I have taken a first day off from coffee with my father. I felt the not feeling great coming on so had prepared him yesterday. I spent most of the night awake and hydrating myself, trying to flush out those damn snow mold. I was successful in decreasing my coughing spells. But I feel limp as wet spaghetti. I had to cancel my lunch date and supper out at my favourite Japanese restaurant. I will probably have the rest of the porridge from my breakfast and lunch for supper.

It seemed appropriate to spend the day in my pjs and read up on Jeffery Epstein today. I wouldn’t be spoiling a beautiful day. I was already feeling lousy. It was alot of reading. It was massive. He knew and was connected to everybody, it seemed. That is everybody who had a name. I was shocked to read that Deepak Chopra was mentioned in the Epstein files. Goes to show how naive I am. Spirituality is big business and even priests can be corrupted. So why not Deepak? Still I am very disappointed to read about how he is using AI to highjack spiritual hunger.

Not a great way to spend a dreary afternoon but it’s good to get educated. There doesn’t seem to be much to cheer about. I feel crappy as hell. Another bout of coughing. I made another cup of Chrysanthemum tea. Let me see if I can work on my seed orders. I’m trying as best as I can. At least I’ve showered and changed into new pjs.

Distractions

Posted on February 5, 2026 by hafong

There’s a million and one distractions begging for my attention. It’s easy to be led astray. I have to ask myself again and again, what difference would they make in my life as each one comes up. Otherwise my days would be lost in the endless scrolling for information of no consequence. Mark Zuckerberg did me no favours for coming up with Facebook. I was happy enough before, not knowing everyone was having fun and travelling the world. That is everyone except me.

Do I really care how many friends they have, who they are and what they had for dinner? I never did before and I don’t think I really do now. Still, my fingers are itchy and want/need to scroll. They need to know. Not all distractions are bad or wasteful. Yesterday I discovered the page of Planet Gayle. It was a delightful find. It’s a daughter’s tribute to her wonderful and weird mother. Later in the day I came across Deanna Dikeman’s Instagram account. Seeing her photos made me want to take up my camera again. For 27 years, she took photographs as she waved good-bye and drove away from visiting her parents at their home in Sioux City, Iowa.

There are the good and bad of distractions. They can gobble up precious time which could have been better used. Then there are times when we need distractions that can trigger our troubled mind into a better place. It is up to me which way to go. I can use it or lose it.

On Planet Gayle

Posted on February 4, 2026 by hafong

Saskatoon is melting in February. It’s wet and messy. I imagine there’s alot of people happy with the warm temperature. Warm is nice but I know it’s climate change. I wonder what will it mean. I wonder what kind of spring and summer we will have. More uncertainties to deal with. Surprisingly I am not feeling too bad. I am not the sad sack that I have been lately. Perhaps I got off on the right foot this morning.

I learned of a woman named Gayle Noble on Instagram (@planet.gayle) this morning. Her daughter also has a Facebook page called Planet Gayle to share her mother’s uniqueness. This is how she is described:

“This is my absolutely weird, and absolutely wonderful mom, Gayle. She was larger than life. Everything she did was intense. She loved intensely.“

I could not be anything other than being cheered looking and reading all the posts. I encourage you to go and read about this wonderful unique human being.

Morning Sickness

Posted on February 3, 2026 by hafong

There was none of that comfy warm snuggling into the quilt this morning. There was nothing but the weight of the world on my soul and toxic thoughts making circuits in my brain. All that made me nauseous. I want to throw up. It was better to get up and put a stop to it. Though I think I know all the tricks to help myself, I still like to search for the perfect solution.

I know that everything feels worse than they actually are when I am in this mode. I do not fret much but I rather not be languishing in my misery either. So I do dress up and show up. I’ve even drawn my eyebrows in. No earrings yet. My house feels like a disaster. It feels as cluttered as my head. I’ve cleaned the upstairs and downstairs batheroom. Dusted, sprayed, wiped and gathered up the near empty cleaning solution bottles. I am not feeling better but I am working on it.

It cheers me to see videos of the people protesting in Minnesota. It’s good to see their passion for their rights. At the same time it disturbs me to see they had to go to that length and it still goes on. The memory of seeing Renee Good and Alex Pretti getting shot makes me sick. There’s nothing I can do except maybe turn off the news. Feelig sick and helpless does not help. Time for a coffee break. Tomorrow is another day.

Heart Month

Posted on February 2, 2026 by hafong

February is heart month. I am letting that guide me through my days. Though Iife feels bland and senseless to me in these moments, I need not announce it or rain on someone else’s parade. This is the space to unload and work through those dark and messy things. What are feelings anyways? Are they real? What if I don’t have those feelings? How will I be? These are the questions that pop up from remembering The Work of Byron Katie.

I can be good at setting goals and intentions but not so great at carrying them out. It’s like people making New Year’s resolutions and dropping them by February. It’s difficult to follow through, day after day. It’s easy to lose heart. It is easy to fall into “I don’t care.” It is easy to throw up my hands and give up. I’ve done that numerous times. I’ve gotten back on track again many times. The thing I don’t do is make progress. I don’t pick up where I had left off. I always go back and start again at the beginning. It’s easier doing something you’ve done before.

How am I going to get out of that rut? How do I walk a different path so that I don’t fall back into the same hole? I’ve writtin many times about the same problem. I am writing about it again. How can I sing another song? I have the rest of February to wrestle with it. I am going to follow through.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson

Staying Positive

Posted on February 1, 2026 by hafong

It’s February 1, 2026. A new month, a new day and another beginning. It’s cloudy and only -10℃. I think we had freezing rain overnight again. It’ll be slippery as hell out. Can you tell I am not in the best of spirits? I think I have a low grade depression. I think my iMac is, too. It’s stuttering, annoying the heck out of me. I am treading carefully, not wanting to slide off the low grade into the deep zone.

I was never one of those who woke up on the right side of the bed and bounced whistling into the shower. I curled and nestled deeper into the covers and didn’t rise till after 7 this morning. But there were times in the past when I looked forward to the morning going to bed the night before. I have it in me to be exuberant and joyful. I’m going through a bit of a snag right now. I find it hard to move. I have no desire to move. I’m not struggling but just sinking in my quagmire. I wonder who else is it with me.

I do still have a tiny glimmer within me, that streak of MacGyver. I think I can get out of this. I have to think like him. I have the tools.I have read and listen to all those self-help books on everything. I could probably do a workshop if I have a mind to. And that is the thing – I do have a mind to stay positive. That will be my goal for this February, to find ways to reboot/recharge myself.

I have soup bones souping in the Instant Pot. I must run and throw in a few more things to stir the pot. I hope to come back here again tomorrow.

Endings and Beginnings

Posted on January 31, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Mauru00edcio Mascaro on Pexels.com

The last day of January and the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was not a strong or consistant beginning for me. I did not show up every day. However, I came alive in the second half. I’m quite happy with that. I’m here now, dressed, hair combed, earrings and hearing aids in, eyebrows lightly etched in. I’m ready for the last hurrah.

Though I failed to show up every day, I consider this challenge a success. I coaxed my words out of lassitude. I watched as they marched slowly and unsteadily across the screen. It was very rewarding to see them gaining momentum and then to flow smoothly into a post. I’m learning that it’s ok to miss a day or two. The important thing is to get back and try again. I’m learning, too, that my own words can heal. They still smooth and sooth my soul. They need not be many or grand. Simple and few can fill me up.

The pleasure of a challenge comes from sharing with others. Thank you to my fellow participants for their words. I’ve learned much from all of you. Thank you to Paul Taubman, the maestro of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am not sure what happened but I’ve experienced unusual high traffic on my site this month. What a wonderful feeling to end on.

Tomorrow is February and a new beginning. How will I begin?

In Our Mother’s Closets

Posted on January 30, 2026 by hafong

January 30th, 2nd last day of the month and of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is the end of the day. I am tired. A busy productive day consisting of my sister and I taking our father to see the internal medicine doctor early in the morning.This past year has been many office, walkin-in and ER visits since our mother passed. We are all so vulnerable the first year after a significant death. And more so when the person is 94 and it is a spousal death.

We’ve all worked hard taking care of our father. The doctors commended our efforts. Our father is doing well now. They wouldn’t change a thing. They gave suggestions for possible things to do if such and such arise. And they will set up a follow up appointment in a month’s time. We are pleased that there will be a follow up and hope that it will hold up. Less doctor visits would be good.

There was still a lot of morning left after the appointment. We had planned to work on clearing more of our mother’s clothes before taking dad out for lunch. We hadn’t realized how much more there still was. This time wasn’t as emotionally difficult as the first closet we did last year. I even dare to say it was fun. We had alot of giggles and Oh my gods! as we pull out each item and tried them on. Our mother kept everything in very good condition. She must have kept all the things we had given her for Christmases and Mother’s Days. We never celebrate hers or dad’s birthdays either. We celebrated the kids’, her grandkids’ birthdays.

We got ambitious and went to the downstairs closets after lunch. Wow! There’s no need to go shopping. We could just shop at mom’s. She even kept some of our clothes for us. I pulled out the dress I sewed for my sister for her high school graduation. I had forgotten what it looked like. I couldn’t believe that it was me that sewed that dress. And I did it on my simple Kenmore from Sears. My sister couldn’t quite believe she could still get into the dress. Unfortunately she couldn’t quite zip it up in the back. Just one size too small.

I dropped 2 bags off at the clothing donation place. I have plans of using the cotton blouses to make another logcabin quilt. This one will be for my sister.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity