Filial Piety

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A sunny September morning. I’m welcoming it with another cup of tea. I’m feeling more of myself today. It’s been a long, long time. My little ‘snap’ did me good. I woke and saw that I am not young any more. I need to move on – beyond grieving for my mother and caring for my aging father. Not that I will ever stop loving and missing my mother or not looking out for my father. But I cannot lose my whole self in them. I’ve still have a few good years left in me. I want to care and love myself as well.

I’m searching for healthy ways to do both. I do not want to sacrifice myself for filial piety. It is not an easy thing having being brought up in a culture where it is revered. True, I only spent the first 6 years of my life in China and 2 years in Hong Kong. The rest of my many years are here in Canada. I was nutured by a mother who had high moral ethics. She, herself, grew up in a family of such. It is difficult for me to escape/abandon my upbringing. For most of my life, I have squashed my own desires. That is if I had any.

After awhile, it didn’t seem to matter any more. I am comfortably retired, past my prime. I could nod off in my rocker except I have an aging father. I don’t mean to complain. He needs little physical care. He is still very independent with his daily activities of living. But being 95, it’s been 2 years of regular rounds of medical visits to the doctor and hospital. That alone is ok but it’s this burden of filial piety that finally broke me. I’ve been doing this forever. The weight of being responsible for his emotional well being and happiness is too much.

It would not be so hard if the piety was returned. It is not. It is a one way street. Perhaps all Chinese fathers of that age are like that. I do not know. I don’t even know that many Chinese people at all. But I think it is time for me to break or loosen up this filial piety. It’s choking me. I have to save myself. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Dumbstruck

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I fell off my writing wagon – again. It happens. It’s not a bad thing. I ran out of words. I ran out of energy. Now I am dumbstruck. It wouldn’t hurt to be silent for awhile. I tend to talk ta little too much. It’s how I work out problems. That’s why I have this writing space. It’s to talk my fool head off without causing harm. All the thoughts, feelings swirling round and round inside can drive me mad. I rather not be mad or angry.

The world feels alot mad nowadays. Maybe it is just me. Whatever it is, I would like a little more normalcy and sanity. Is that too much to ask? What is normalcy anyways? There doesn’t seem to be much stability in this new world I find myself in. It has been raining all day with no sign of stopping. More is in the forecast for tomorrow. It is drought or flood. There’s not much I can do about the weather. There’s not much I can do about anything outside of myself. I might as well stop wasting my energy thinking about all that. I need it all to fix my immediate and personal world.

I hate to admit it, but I am still drowning in paper clutter. They still sit on my dining room table and in boxes here and there. I still have all the bags and bags of my mother’s clothes I’ve been meaning to sort and donate. I have so many meanings to but I haven’t moved on them. Some things are hard to sort and clear. They are cemented to me. Rainy days are not good days to work on these. But I have defrosted and cleaned one freezer. It was hard but it’s one battle I won.

It is not easy writing again. Something snapped in me and I broke. Sometimes it is ok to be broken and let the pieces stay where they are for awhile. They need the rest and will come together again when they are ready.

Snapping Out of It

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At some point a person have to just stop with the worrying, fussing and carrying on. Do the best you can and live. Life can kill you sometimes and you don’t want to add to that. I’ve come to that crossroad. The other evening I got hit with a sudden episode of feeling so bad. I don’t know how else to describe it. I didn’t know how to alleviate it so I threw myself into bed even though it was only 9:30. Mercifully I fell asleep PDQ.

The bad feeling was gone in the morning. I remembered though it was bad enough for me to think, I want to die. It was a bit disconcerting at first. I puzzled over it over my morning cup of tea. Then I remembered my mother saying she wanted to die in the hospital after she had surgery for her broken hip. I think it is my mother’s suffering I felt in my own body. She came to prod me to get on with things. I need not suffer like she had. I still have work to do and a life to live. There are no excuses for not doing either.

So I am giving myself a shake, rattle and roll. I am pulling up my socks and give everything another once over and see what I can do. I need not worry about being bored and not enough to do. I have bitter melons and cucumbers coming out of my ears. Yesterday I blanched and frozen a bunch of bitter melons. For lunch today I made soup out of leftover turkey, cucumbers, last years carrots, celery and barley. I still have a pail of cucumbers. I’ve been meaning to make some refrigerator pickles for days. Meaning to does not quite get the job done. So I might just get to it soon. I also have celery coming out of my ears. I have alot to do. I can’t afford to feel bad. I better snap out of it and get into the pickle.

One Day at a Time

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Last night was one of those nights that sleep was elusive and impossible. Though I was not restless, I was not restful either. I tried not to waste energy stressing to get to sleep. Instead I relaxed into problem solving. How can I declutter and restore order to my life? How can I unclog the kitchen sink without calling the plumber? How to move forward with my father after he gets out of the hospital?

The end result was not much sleep and not much resolutions. I called the plumber. The kitchen sink is free flowing again. I caught up with bill payments. No movement on clutter and order. I do feel better. Non functioning plumbing can cause so much distress. I will tackle the fridge next. I have alot of turkey left. Then I added a roasted chicken from yesterday’s trip to Costco. It was such a good buy. How could I resist? I was so tired from yesterday’s Costco expedition and unloading everything. That’s when I discovered the backing up kitchen sink in the basement. Cleaning and trying to unclog it did me in. How could I feel like cooking after that? So now there’s also leftover from last night supper out.

Funny how fast things pile up one on top of each other in 2 years. I admit my best wasn’t up to speed since my mother passed almost 2 years ago. I feel I am up to my eyeballs in confusion and neglect. I do not know how to get with it and where to get with it. I guess I will just dig in first with the fridge. I will freeze some of the turkey and chicken. Then there’s the question of room in the freezer. One thing leads to another. I will get to somewhere one day at a time, one thing at a time. It’s time to stop with the excuses and get moving again. I can free flow now like the kitchen sink.

Excitement and Unpredictability in Gardening/ Life

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August 21. We are into a bit of heat again. I guess we still have another month of summer. I suppose I should be happy about it. Thirty more days of growing for the gardens. I have enough of the beans though not much of the peas. Who knows if I will have enough tomatoes to eat fresh as well as to sauce. If not, it will be the first time in many years. Last year was the year of no bitter melons. This year I still have 30 of them hanging on the vine in the greenhouse. That’s the excitement and unpredictability of growing food and the weather. It teases and taxes one’s thinking and endurance.

I’ve been doing some thinking and evaluation of how I should go forward next year. I am not getting any younger. How do I want to use my energy? Are my goals the same? One thing that came to mind is that I do not want to start all my seedlings. It takes a long time for peppers and eggplants to germinate and grow into viable seedlings. I would have to seed them in February.

August 24. Talking about excitement and unpredictability, just before we were heading to pick up my father to go to the cemetery on Saturday to visit my mother’s and my grandparents’ graves, I received a text message from my brother that my father was not feeling good. When we got to the house, my brother said that dad complain of shortness of breath and that he can’t move. He called 911. Within minutes a couple of big firemen came stomping into the house followed shortly by the paramedics. My father perked up with a little oxygen. After some minutes we were all headed to ER at St. Paul’s Hospital.

Though my father was seen and treated shortly, he was in ER hallway till this afternoon. It is another bout of pneumonia. It’s only about a month since his last one. I’m evaluating on how much I can handle. I am taking a rest from daily visits this hospital stay. I need some physical and mental rest from all the doctor, ER and hospital visits. I feel as if I am still on duty as a nurse and being responsible for my father’s life and happiness. I am taking a short break from it all for my own health and happiness.

Today I feel lighter, the weight off my shoulders. I noticed for the first time how filthy the downstairs toilet was. It was as if I have waken up from a deep sleep. Instead of avoiding and procrastinating, I gave it a good scrub. Now I am juicing the choke cherries we picked last August. I feel sadness for myself and my family as well. I’m mourning and missing my mother. She held us together. I feel sad that my father cannot step into her shoes just a little bit. Instead, we, the children are doing it as we’ve always had to when she is not available. I am happy though that we could.

Gratitude and Choices

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Life feels so busy, even in retirement. I can’t say I am bored and have nothing to do. I would love to, though. I am just sitting down for a rest stop before attacking and prepping the turkey for the oven. No, it is not Thanksgiving yet. The turkey has been in the freezer longer than it need be. I thought Monday was a good day to cook it being on the cool side. My retired brain forgot by Monday. Lucky I remembered late yesterday that it was still thawing in the cooler. To be truthful, it was quite thawed.

It’s a bit warmish, 25℃. There’s a cool breeze so hopefully the house won’t get too hot. I am a bit sweaty and limp. Today felt hot. I went in early this morning to get bloodwork from my physical done. I had to wait over an hour. I was thirsty and hungry by the time I got home. My systolic blood pressure was barely over 100. I hadn’t even taken my morning pill yet. It’s not bad news but it reminded me of my disappointment with my doctor’s appointment the other day.

I wished he was more interested, specific and helpful. When I told him that the blood pressure taken by the nurse was high and not accurate. I had just come in after a stressful drive and sat down. It has been low lately. He took my word and did not check my blood pressure himself. He said I could cut back my medication a bit. If it’s ok after a week, I’m good to go. Not that I am complaining. I guess I am. He is nice enough, kind enough but didn’t look very animated. He’s been like that the last few years. I have wondered if he is depressed. I am very low maintenance. Just a yearly checkup for bloodwork and prescription renewal. Not much of a physical check when I don’t have to take off any clothes.

I suppose I should feel grateful that I do have a family doctor. Many don’t. There is a shortage of them so you can’t shop around. I am grateful that I do have knowledge and resources. I am a long retired nurse. I’ve been doing the medical running around the last few years with my mother and now my father. I am getting to know my way around. Sometimes it is very tiring. It’s hard to feel good and secure when there are no resources and choices.

August Loves and Hates

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The thing I hate about August is it’s fruit fly season. These pesky little flying things are everywhere, dropping into teacups, wineglasses and my sourdough starter. They can get in even when there’s a cover. I have to set up a trap with an apple vinegar and dish soap trap or else they’re going to drive me nuts. I am half way there already with shorter daylight hours. I am noticing my rising moodiness. It’s another thing I hate about August. The fruit and house flies adds to the lot.

Thank God there’s no forest fire smokes this year. I dread it every August but there’s less and less of it every year now. Perhaps there’s no more forests to burn. What a cheerful thought, eh? And perhaps there’s no climate change and Donald Trump is just a figment of our imagination. I better cool and change my thoughts or I’ll think myself into a trash bin. I hate these runaway ugly thoughts of mine. What can I do about it?

What I have learned from experience is that it does not help to talk about it to people. It make me feel worse. I try to keep silent and wrangle some words here instead. Tapping works out the kinks. There’s no judgement. There’s no shoulds. August days when I feel like this, I love my keyboard. I love watching the letters and words march across the screen. It’s my inhale and exhale. These August days, I love having coffee at the mall with my mother’s and now mine friends. I love listening to their stories of how they came to Canada, their hardships and their joys. I love their generosity of showing their appreciation of my company.

I love how the light changes in August. There’s a softening and luminosity about it. The garden looks so beautiful in August lights. And I am happy again despite the shortening of days.

Apple Picking Sunday

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Walks are thought provoking. The other morning walking home from the mall, the thought of going apple picking popped into my mind. So I went picking apples this morning at Boffins Public Garden where we went forest bathing a few Sundays ago. I found the arbour where the apples grew. There were some low hanging branches still with apples on them. There was enough to fill half a shopping bag.

I wished I could have gotten there a little earlier. The arbour was a perfect spot for a photo shoot. A family with young kids came along shortly after I got there. They stayed and stayed, snapping photos and talking the whole time. I found them very annoying. I am selfish, wanting the place to myself.

After I could not reach any more branches bearing apples, I went in search of the grapes. They are planted along the edible landscape and orchard areas just outside the north gates of the main garden park. The grapevines grow alongside other cold-hardy fruit and berry selections like haskaps, raspberries, rhubarb, and Nanking cherries, positioned near the rows of apple trees. I think it is too late for the grapes, haspkaps, raspberries and cherries. But there were loads of apple trees. I would need a ladder for these though.

It was pretty exciting, finding the orchard walk. I had to chill a bit by the koi pond before heading home.

Falling Off Cliffs

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It rained last night. The earth is quenched and sated. I am relaxed – for awhile. One never knows what lies ahead. The other day I was a heartbeat away from being in an accident. I was on the way to my father’s house to meet with the palliative care nurse. Everything happened so fast it is hard to described. A car came flying and crashing to a stop in the intersection in front of me. There was a lot of noise, dust and falling parts. Most of it from the car. I saw parts of the passenger side and the front end falling apart in front of my eyes. It was like watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon of the road runner chasing Wile E. Coyote to a cliff.

These days I quite feel like that coyote who’s always the one that falls over the cliff in a cloud of dust. Though I do manage to pick myself up and dust myself off, I don’t quite have the resilience of a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am getting tired of the routine. I want a change up. I need a new repertoire. How to start? How do I get a new program? This is where Google and AI are helpful. Here’s what I found:

To reprogram your mind, use a three-part process: build daily awareness of old habits, use repetition like visualization or affirmations to create new neural pathways, and take aligned action to lock in the change.

I am good at recognizing my need for change. I’m also good at finding resources on how to do it. What I am not great at is following through. I’m an expert at going down the same old streets and falling off cliffs. I have changed all that now, speaking in the affirmative. I am going down different streets that don’t lead to cliffs. I am not creating a cloud of dust and a mountain of ashes. I am risen.

Good House Keeping

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August 13th. I’m glad it’s a Thursday and not a Friday. I am superstitious. I used to cross my slippers when I go to bed to ward off ghosts. I was plagued by nightly visits then. You have to remember I ‘saw’ them when I was a child. I no longer do but I still sense their prescence and give them due respect.

It’s another grey morning. I made my daily visit to the garden and greenhouse. I did some housekeeping there yesterday. The bitter melon vines were overgrowing into every space possible. They were blocking the sunlight and air flow. It’s hard for me to trim them as I like to hang on to them for more fruit. It was creating a lot of humidity which led to red aphids on the pepper plants. Some of them were on the bitter melon leaves also. I sacrifice the pepper plants that had no fruit on them. I sprayed the others with soapy water. I trimmed off all the affected bitter melon leaves. Thank God they were just on one side.

After a severe pruning of the vines sunlight can get in and there is better air flow. It’s a lesson in letting go and not hanging onto every little things. More could mean less. This morning’s count of bitter melons is 22 big and small. hanI have given away 6 to friends at coffee, 2 to my father and we’ve eaten a few. I shall blanch and freeze some for winter.

I’m applying the ‘pruning’ rule to my closet this morning. What use are my high school grad and bridesmaid dresses hanging in the closet? They are taking up space and gathering dust, not only in the closet but also in my head. Yes, I take pride in that I made them both. Then there’s my mother’s 3 dresses also hanging there. One of them still have the price tag on it. She had not worn it. The original price was $100.00 marked down for $50.00. I was surprised that my mother did this. This was a dress from a long time back. I was happy that my mother valued herself to buy that dress even though she never wore it.

Against well given advice, I did try on my mother’s dresses. It did make giving them up harder. Two fit very nicely. They made me feel beautiful and elegant but where would I wear these dressy dresses to? I decided that they would all be donated. They would make nice gifts for someone. They do not look dated as I had thought.