CHASING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

I’ve learned many things from my mother but not her orderliness nor calmness. I’ve gotten a little better at both but it’s nothing to write her about it. It is indeed a life long learning journey. I’ve found every single step difficult. I’m not expecting it to get any easier. Once I get over one hurdle, another one shows up. It will end when life ends. I suspect that’s the way it is suppose to be.

Given that, I wonder if we I’ve been going at life erronously. I’ve been working doggedly at doing everything and behaving properly. It could be that I’ve been too proper all these years. I’ve had a broom up my arse, walking forever on a tightrope, always doing a balancing act. What if I could have loosen up a bit, let my hair down and lose some face? What possible things could have happened if I had except have more joy?

They say there’s no point in what ifs and could haves. Done is done. Now, what and how? I’ve been thinking. It’s dangerous. It makes me paranoid. But I’ve been thinking that we’ve been sold the wrong bill of goods. There’s so many pitches on feeling good, being happy and all that.  What does that mean anyways? It makes me feel inadequate and a failure. I’m often doleful. I seldom feel blissful or euphoric like the ads for antidepressants. If I have, the moments are not long enough to run slow motion through a meadow of flowers.

Should we be in such pursuit of these feelings? I know I have but have failed to achieve. I’ve come to realize at this moment, that it is not possible to be physically, psychological or spiritual pain free all the time. Bad things happen. Accidents happen. Bodies age. Good things happen, too. It’s the flux of our lives. I cannot avoid these things. I cannot avoid pain or suffering. I cannot take a pill for everything. I cannot push everything under the rug. I have tried. It didn’t work for me. Then I stopped chasing after being happy and feeling good. I let the shoe drop. Nothing terrible happened. But my fears stopped.

 

 

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MY WAY

I’ve decided that it’s better to show up than not. Better to make an effort than not. So here I am, sitting here, making an effort, tap, tapping away. These are the choices I’m making. They are easy when I’m feeling oh so fine. Not so when I’m not but they matter more then. It’s a measure of being a responsible adult. If I could have my drathers, I would like somebody else do it all for me. I have moments feeling like pouting and having a tantrum. I like to say, Make it better! But who would I say that to?

No one could do it better than me. Live my life, that is. I just have to suck it up and do it myself. Oh, I’ve made many a mistakes. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes. I saw every frame of it. I wonder at myself. Why did I do this and that? What was I thinking/feeling at the time? Pain and regret would course through me. If I would be given another run at this life of mine, I probably would do the same damn things again. It was probably the best I could have done at the time.

There’s no such thing as a life of no regrets. That’s just my thoughts. We are but human. We are full of fallacies, contradictions and emotions. Who can honestly say that they’ve never look back with nostalgia or whatever, wishing for otherwise? Not I. I’ve been hearing Frank Sinatra in my head all day. His My Way speaks to the best in me. It certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I like to think that I’ve done it my way but I haven’t. Regrets I have many but I have done the best I could .

 

 

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YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

Oh, the sun is doing a surprise showing and so am I. I broke the habit and it’s tough getting back. It’s that slippery slope. Well, today is yesterday’s tomorrow. It’s here. I haven’t found all my mojos yet. Do I sound like a broken record?  I feel very much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same day repeatedly. I’m trapped in my own time loop, living in my head too much. When will I wake up – to a new day?

No point in asking rhetorical questions. I still sound them out to see if there’s any anwers. There are none. I have to create my own reality/magic. I wish and wish with all my might. I fold my arms like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie. I blink my eyes and nod my head at the same time. Drat! Nothing. Magic happens only in movies or on TV. Maybe I don’t believe enough. I’ve lost that mojo, too – the magic of belief.

I can’t really give it a rest. That’s what I’ve been doing and all my passions have gone down the tube. Now I have to do the hard work of retrieval. How to begin when I’ve lost all my sentiments and naiveties? Somehow, I’ve lost faith and trust in goodness and kindness. I don’t believe we will be ok in the end, that we and the planet will survive. So then, what is the point?

I gave it some thought. There doesn’t have to be a point. The alternative is not acceptable. I still believe in truths. Maybe they are more powerful than magic. Why don’t I start right here, in the now, with what is true?

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I’VE LOST MY MOJOS

I have somehow lost my mojo for words. Imagine that! It’s been that kind of summer. It’s a marker, that’s for damn sure. Life will never be the same again. Can’t you feel it? It’s a roller coaster weather wise, too. If this doesn’t convince you we have climate change, nothing will. It has been a scorcher the last few days. PLUS we’re enveloped in smoke from forest fires on the west coast.

When I see my world enveloped in smokey haze for days, I have this feeling we are coming to our end faster than predicted. The world seemed to be on fire, literally. Then there’s the figuratively. There’s no good news. Bombings, shootings and more shootings. I do not have a positive slant on life right now.

I have lost my mojos for everything. Maybe it’s the heat. It’s taken the energy out of me. I say tomorrow I will do this and that. Tomorrow does come. It becomes today. And I say the same thing. Maybe tomorrow. What a sad sack I’ve become! Well, life hasn’t been easy. I’m not one to suffer in silence. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just saying as they say. I am sure that I am not alone in the difficulties of living. At least I shoot off my mouth instead of a gun.

I should call it a day and go to bed but I have this restlessness inside. How could one be at ease these days? I find it distressing having to draw the blinds to keep the heat out day after day. I feel as if I am in hiding from some unknown enemy. The forecast for the next few days is cooler temperatures. I can open the blinds at least. And maybe the windows if the smoke dissipates. There’s always hope. That’s what they say.

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TENDING MYSELF

I’ve never been comfortable in my own life. It never felt like it was mine. I’ve been living for others, not for myself. Nobody asked me to. Perhaps I received the message from the great collect. I absorbed it through osmosis through the years. And now, realizing that my years has a finite number, I’m having a lightbulb moment. Hey, this isn’t how it’s suppose to be! Where is my life, my legacy? I have no moments for my video of highlights. In this moment I can only think of compromises and good enoughs.

Still, sitting here, tapping away on this beautiful August morning, I’m pretty satisfied. I hear the caw caw of a crow. Sheba’s laying at my feet. It is warm. I have the laundry hanging on the racks – one on the deck and the other out in the yard. It is still relatively comfortable in the shade. But if you catch the sun bouncing off a surface, it is so hot. The earth is burning up. We are still here. It is good to be living in this moment in time. I hope there is time to rescue our planet. I hope there is time to live my own life.

I’m ruminating, chewing my cud, on what is truly of value to me. It’s a worthy subject to come back to, again and again. It’s a question that I’ve been unconsciously avoiding with all my busy doings. The chaos of summer drove me to seek counsel and wisdom. Its very nature demanded attention and action. I have often found much wisdom from Caroline Myss. Now days after her 9 day online retreat, I’m not all that much wiser.

I’m not wiser but I have taken the time off from my usual routine of do this, do that and do this again. I sat still and listen to the quiet. I fasted. I returned to the part of me that loved stilllness and doing nothing. In doing so, I realized how relentless I’ve become in ‘creating’, doing, exercising, so on and forth. I had a busy schedule in retirement. Life was a frenzy. Somehow that was okay. My mind and physical being were occupied. I didn’t have to think about the hard stuff – the uncertainties and anxieties. I was busy.

Being ‘busy’ and ‘creative’ gives legitimacy to being distracted and absent from my life. I didn’t smell the coffee or the flowers. I THOUGHT I did. I hadn’t tended my garden or myself regularly. I did it haphazardly, by gosh and darn – like everything I do. Now that I know better, I’ll try to do better. But it is difficult to break out of set patterns. Having an addictive personality doesn’t help. Already I want to sign up for another course given by Caroline Myss and Andrew Harvey on our shadow selves. It would not be a bad thing but it would be another thing I’ll be chasing, being distracted and busy.

I will resist, staying in the here and now. I have enough. I am enough. It is time to bring in the laundry. It is time to push the stove back in its place. It took something falling behind it for me to clean underneath. What alot of dust, grime and dog hair! Now it’s all swept, washed and dried. Good for another 10 years.

 

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THE MORNING AFTER

It’s the morning after my 9 day online spiritual retreat with Caroline Myss. As with most morning afters, I’m feeling like Peggy Lee singing, Is That All There Is? My problem is I have this lazy bone. I like the learning . I wish it could go on forever. I love soaking up all the knowledge. Living it is another matter. I have this feeling of avoidance, dread, putting up roadblocks. I think I hate change and creating the domino effect. Make one wrong move and the whole thing comes undone. I hate uncertainty and taking chances. I love safety even though it’s stifling at times.

Learning, researching, gathering information, whatever I choose to call it, gives legitimacy to procrastination. It reduces my guilt of none doing. I wonder why I feel I have this guilt. Why must I be doing something ‘useful’ or ‘creative’ all the time? Why is enjoying idleness such a sin? That’s something to think about. But I’ve cleared out all my busyness during this 9 day period. I’m taking time resting in the in between notes, letting the information and ideas sit and percolate. More wisdom may arise. I’m more apt to hear it when it comes if I’m quiet within.

I am enjoying the idleness today. There is that feeling of ‘I should have’ in the back of my mind. I should have but I’m too tired. I should have but there’s a feeling that I don’t want to go there. I should have but I dread doing that. I’m learning to live with and accepting these feelings. Sometimes they are not real. They do no harm. I can sit with them. I can stand the rest as well as the guilt.

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DIVINE TRUTHS AND HOLY CHOICES

The significant question of the day: What does my soul tell me are Divine truths and am I living in harmony with all that I know to be holy truths.

Today is the 5th and final day of my personal online spiritual retreat with Caroline Myss. There’s two more classroom sessions tomorrow and the next day. We were instructed to arrive with no expectations. I had none. At this very moment I can’t really articulate what it is that I have learned or achieved. Wait, I do have one observation. I see or I now admit that all my chaos and distractions have been for the avoidance of facing/answering the difficult questions/situations/truths.

I am sure I am not alone in all of this. It is difficult to face our mortality. It is not death itself that I am afraid of. It is the journey, the process. How will I be able to cope with my mother’s leaving? That has been a possibility the winter before last. I felt as if I had died a thousand deaths of fright that time. It’s only when I accepted that possibility, that the fright passed. It’s much like falling off a tall building. I accepted that I was falling. I could land with a thud. I didn’t. It was a soft landing. My mother proved to be a tough cookie and is holding her own.

I hope I am stronger for the next round. I feel I am. I am standing tall, trying to face the truths of this life. They are the same for everyone. We are born, we live and we die. There’s no getting around that. But I do believe in a force greater than ourselves. I draw my strength from that. I’m feeling my ancestors blood in me. I’m hearing my grandmother’s voice. There is a Tian/heaven, she cried when she was imprisoned by the Communist in China. My grandmother survived having to kneel on gravel, having cold water poured over her head and people throw angry words and stones at her. I come from good stock.

I know right and wrong. I have always tried to walk the higher path. I am not sure that I have always succeeded. It is difficult to make the hard choices but I do. It is my nature. I cannot do otherwise. How else would I know if it’s worth it if I don’t make those choices?Life is hard. I suffer for it. We all suffer. What would life be without a hitch? It would be a big yawn, would it not?

I’m not sure if I had answered the question of the day. But it is more than enough for now.

 

 

 

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