First Days

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The first day of October and the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I need challenges to keep me writing and to keep me moving in everything. As usual I do not have plans on what I will be writing about. The only plan I have is to enjoy the process and to show up for each day of October. I plan to engage with other bloggers in the challenge as much as possible. Community makes it more meaningful and enjoyable.

It’s wonderful to make the start on a cheery sunny October morning. God knows that our world needs the sunshine and cheer. I will try to walk on the sunny side. I have been immersed in the dark too much to stay informed. It hasn’t done much good except in making me a miserable person. So no more of that! I’m also doing my own 100 day project along with the UBC. The 100 days consist of reading 2 books I have on the book shelf for many years but haven’t read. The first one is from my university days, Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis. The second, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Living the Sisdom of the Tao by Wayne W. Dyer.

I love these first days of starting new challenges. I’m like a kid on the first day of school. I love learning. I love words, reading and writing them. I will be showing up each day. I will make it simple and short. I hope the words will flow. Wishing myself and my fellow bloggers lots of luck and stamina.

Making Hay While the Sun Shines

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Another golden and balmy September day. I wonder how long this honeymoon will last. I might as well make hay while the sun lasts. This day may never come again. On days like these, life’s irksome problems are easier to handle. Nothing seems to bother me. Fortune seems to smile upon me.

The greenhouse is still thriving, abundant with buzzing bees. I give thanks to my ancestors and the heavens for this bounty. Today is Mid-Autumn or Mooncake Festival. It is the celebration of harvest in mid autumn when the moon is the fullest and brightest. I shall celebrate by learning to make mooncake. It might take me a little/long while to do it but it is do-able. I have the cake molds and most of the ingredients. I have a a recipe. It might very well be my Christmas cake when it gets done. It’s a worthwhile challenge, testing my brain and patience. It’ll be a grand surprise for all of us.

I can’t wait to get started but I should study the recipe thoroughtly first. Then I should gather all the ingredients and do one small step at a time. You can’t build a mooncake in a day unless you go out and buy it. And what is the challenge of that, eh?

A Delicious Day

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Another beautiful sunny September day. I was rewarded with a good night of sleep. It was so sweet and delicious after a sleepless night the day before. I started the day with no explosions. I was successful making a perfect poached egg in the microwave without incident. Sometimes life can be sublime and so can I. Sometimes it is just a matter of attitude.

Now it is early evening. Some of the spark has worn off but I still have the memory of it. My morning walk to the Asian Market in the sun was wonderful. I stopped and had a little rest in the park on the way. It had Puff the Magic Dragon and a crayon to draw with. It reminded me of my many walks with Sheba. We passed here many times. It filled me with memories of our times together and my love of her. There will never another Sheba.

Life doesn’t have to be perfect. Often they are not. It’s days like today that makes them okay.

An Eggplosion

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Last night was another one of those sleepless nights for me. I wasn’t in my best this morning. I thought I would take the easy way out with breakfast by poaching my egg in the microwave instead of in a pot of water on the stove top. I put 1/2 cup of water in a microwaveable bowl. I cracked an egg into it and poked the yoke with a toothpick. I put it in the microwave on high for 45 seconds. It looked raw so I did it for one minute. It still looked not cooked. I added 30 seconds. It ended with a loud explosion.

I opened the oven door. There was egg whites splattered everywhere inside. The yoke had escaped the bowl but was intact. I scraped it into the bowl and proceeded to wipe and clean the mess. It took much longer than if I had just poached in a pot. I thought I would be saving time by not having to wash a pot. Wrong! Being sleepless, I had no energy to despair. I just moped and mopped till it was all cleaned up. I am willing to try again tomorrow with this experience under my belt.

I tried to carry on my regular day. I did not do my 5 minute meditation. I have not done my 100 day project of daily readings from Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life and Surprised by Joy. I still have time to as I read only a few pages of each. However, I did do my morning walk to the mall. I hope that will help me to sleep tonight. I am not thrilled with these fretful nights. But it is what it is. No use fretting about fretting and not being able to let go and empty my mind. Accept and adopt the way of the Tao.

Out to Lunch

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I wonder if we realize how often we are out to lunch and not in the moment. That realization hit me with a thud in the mall’s parking lot the other day. Everything came to a very noisy stop. I wondered what the hell happened. Then I saw my car met another car I hadn’t seen. I had momentarily glanced sideways at possible parking spots. My thoughts were on parking spots. I was aware that there were also negative thoughts circulating through my mind. My attention was not on what was in front of me.

Lucky I was just inching along. My car sustained no damage. The other car a small dent. We exchanged names and license plates. I apologized and thanked him for not yelling at me. I thought at the time it was my fault. Now I am not so sure. It matters not as we have no fault insurance. The positive thing was the impact jarred and stopped my toxic thoughts and feelings instantly. It clearly showed me how out to lunch I was and have been. But it also left me sleepness that night, pondering and fretting over everything.

I am happy to report that I had a good night’s sleep last night. I want to say I have turned over a new leaf. We all know that it’s not all that easy. I am practicing to stay in the moment. I gave up my morning meditations awhile back. I restarted this morning. I am giving up reading the 2 Heathers each morning. Learning all that stuff about Donald Trump and the Republicans are very toxic for my mental health. It’s not a good way to start each day.

I have started my 100 day project of reading Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thought, Change Your Life. I am not sure how far I will get in a 100 days but I have started instead of just talking on starting. In my search for the book, I came across a little book by C. S. Lewis called Surprised by Joy. It’s the same old story of meaning to read but haven’t. The book was for my Philosophy of Religion class of long ago. It costed 75 cents. That’s how long ago I had meant to read it. I have always been enthralled by the title. Wouldn’t you want to be surprised by joy? I am surprised that I am finally reading it. I was motivated after watching the movie Surprised by Oxford where the book and the author was mentioned. I think I am suppose to read it.

September Days

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A rainy Monday morning. It’s as if the universe is weeping for the passing of sunny summer days. It was only yesterday morning that my sister and I were basking in the sunshine at Boffins Garden. I am feeling mellow with the rain, a tad melancholic, mourning for days/years lost.

It is Monday morning. As you can see, I was dumbstruck and lost for words again. I laid sleepless last night, unable to turn off thoughts in my head. These nights are recurring more than I like. I try to look on the positive side of them. They are teaching me to still myself and let the thoughts come as they may. It was hard to resist my usual habit of trying to understand and fix it. For some things, there are no fixes. And so I laid as still as I could and let the thoughts be.

I’m none the worse for wear. I might not be the sharpest tack in the box today but I think I can still have a good day. This is called making the best of things. I used to be an all or nothing girl. It’s taken me a long time to get here, to not throwing in the towel. I’ve had/am having a stretch of difficult September days. All of life feels difficult. I’m trying to adjust and change my view/attitude towards the word ‘difficult’. The big question is how am I going to do it.

What came immediately to mind was Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life. Like so many books I have, I haven’t read it. It’s a good place to start. I could make it my 100dayproject. Besides reading it, I could do a little art along with it. Sounds like a plan for the last 14 days of September.

Filial Piety

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A sunny September morning. I’m welcoming it with another cup of tea. I’m feeling more of myself today. It’s been a long, long time. My little ‘snap’ did me good. I woke and saw that I am not young any more. I need to move on – beyond grieving for my mother and caring for my aging father. Not that I will ever stop loving and missing my mother or not looking out for my father. But I cannot lose my whole self in them. I’ve still have a few good years left in me. I want to care and love myself as well.

I’m searching for healthy ways to do both. I do not want to sacrifice myself for filial piety. It is not an easy thing having being brought up in a culture where it is revered. True, I only spent the first 6 years of my life in China and 2 years in Hong Kong. The rest of my many years are here in Canada. I was nutured by a mother who had high moral ethics. She, herself, grew up in a family of such. It is difficult for me to escape/abandon my upbringing. For most of my life, I have squashed my own desires. That is if I had any.

After awhile, it didn’t seem to matter any more. I am comfortably retired, past my prime. I could nod off in my rocker except I have an aging father. I don’t mean to complain. He needs little physical care. He is still very independent with his daily activities of living. But being 95, it’s been 2 years of regular rounds of medical visits to the doctor and hospital. That alone is ok but it’s this burden of filial piety that finally broke me. I’ve been doing this forever. The weight of being responsible for his emotional well being and happiness is too much.

It would not be so hard if the piety was returned. It is not. It is a one way street. Perhaps all Chinese fathers of that age are like that. I do not know. I don’t even know that many Chinese people at all. But I think it is time for me to break or loosen up this filial piety. It’s choking me. I have to save myself. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Dumbstruck

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I fell off my writing wagon – again. It happens. It’s not a bad thing. I ran out of words. I ran out of energy. Now I am dumbstruck. It wouldn’t hurt to be silent for awhile. I tend to talk ta little too much. It’s how I work out problems. That’s why I have this writing space. It’s to talk my fool head off without causing harm. All the thoughts, feelings swirling round and round inside can drive me mad. I rather not be mad or angry.

The world feels alot mad nowadays. Maybe it is just me. Whatever it is, I would like a little more normalcy and sanity. Is that too much to ask? What is normalcy anyways? There doesn’t seem to be much stability in this new world I find myself in. It has been raining all day with no sign of stopping. More is in the forecast for tomorrow. It is drought or flood. There’s not much I can do about the weather. There’s not much I can do about anything outside of myself. I might as well stop wasting my energy thinking about all that. I need it all to fix my immediate and personal world.

I hate to admit it, but I am still drowning in paper clutter. They still sit on my dining room table and in boxes here and there. I still have all the bags and bags of my mother’s clothes I’ve been meaning to sort and donate. I have so many meanings to but I haven’t moved on them. Some things are hard to sort and clear. They are cemented to me. Rainy days are not good days to work on these. But I have defrosted and cleaned one freezer. It was hard but it’s one battle I won.

It is not easy writing again. Something snapped in me and I broke. Sometimes it is ok to be broken and let the pieces stay where they are for awhile. They need the rest and will come together again when they are ready.

Snapping Out of It

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At some point a person have to just stop with the worrying, fussing and carrying on. Do the best you can and live. Life can kill you sometimes and you don’t want to add to that. I’ve come to that crossroad. The other evening I got hit with a sudden episode of feeling so bad. I don’t know how else to describe it. I didn’t know how to alleviate it so I threw myself into bed even though it was only 9:30. Mercifully I fell asleep PDQ.

The bad feeling was gone in the morning. I remembered though it was bad enough for me to think, I want to die. It was a bit disconcerting at first. I puzzled over it over my morning cup of tea. Then I remembered my mother saying she wanted to die in the hospital after she had surgery for her broken hip. I think it is my mother’s suffering I felt in my own body. She came to prod me to get on with things. I need not suffer like she had. I still have work to do and a life to live. There are no excuses for not doing either.

So I am giving myself a shake, rattle and roll. I am pulling up my socks and give everything another once over and see what I can do. I need not worry about being bored and not enough to do. I have bitter melons and cucumbers coming out of my ears. Yesterday I blanched and frozen a bunch of bitter melons. For lunch today I made soup out of leftover turkey, cucumbers, last years carrots, celery and barley. I still have a pail of cucumbers. I’ve been meaning to make some refrigerator pickles for days. Meaning to does not quite get the job done. So I might just get to it soon. I also have celery coming out of my ears. I have alot to do. I can’t afford to feel bad. I better snap out of it and get into the pickle.

One Day at a Time

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Last night was one of those nights that sleep was elusive and impossible. Though I was not restless, I was not restful either. I tried not to waste energy stressing to get to sleep. Instead I relaxed into problem solving. How can I declutter and restore order to my life? How can I unclog the kitchen sink without calling the plumber? How to move forward with my father after he gets out of the hospital?

The end result was not much sleep and not much resolutions. I called the plumber. The kitchen sink is free flowing again. I caught up with bill payments. No movement on clutter and order. I do feel better. Non functioning plumbing can cause so much distress. I will tackle the fridge next. I have alot of turkey left. Then I added a roasted chicken from yesterday’s trip to Costco. It was such a good buy. How could I resist? I was so tired from yesterday’s Costco expedition and unloading everything. That’s when I discovered the backing up kitchen sink in the basement. Cleaning and trying to unclog it did me in. How could I feel like cooking after that? So now there’s also leftover from last night supper out.

Funny how fast things pile up one on top of each other in 2 years. I admit my best wasn’t up to speed since my mother passed almost 2 years ago. I feel I am up to my eyeballs in confusion and neglect. I do not know how to get with it and where to get with it. I guess I will just dig in first with the fridge. I will freeze some of the turkey and chicken. Then there’s the question of room in the freezer. One thing leads to another. I will get to somewhere one day at a time, one thing at a time. It’s time to stop with the excuses and get moving again. I can free flow now like the kitchen sink.