On Life and Aging

Posted on by
Reply

It was a cool breezy August 2nd this morning. I had to close the vents in the greenhouse. It quickly warmed up now almost at noon, I can still enjoy my tea and a cool breeze in the shade. I’m facing the back alley and have my laptop on my lap. I feel irksome with life and still mad at dad. I feel like one of those parents who lectures their children. After all I have done for you, this is what I get!

I will not lecture him. It will not do any good except make me feel guilty. He will look contrite like a whipped puppy. I will feel abusive and that will suck all the joy out of everything. He always say he won’t go down the basement anymore and not go outside. Then he does. I know that and have no problems with it. You can’t tie him up. But does he have to do these things just days after getting out of the hospital? Does he need to go down the front steps at 8 o’clock in the morning? He’s been told many times for many years not to go out so early in the morning. He has COPD. The dew and pollen count is highest in the morning. Then he tells us he fell.

Lucky for him and us that he was not seriously hurt and got up using his cane. There was no witnesses to the event. All this makes me wonder how I will be at his age. I wonder why he is still so restless, getting into scrapes. Why can’t he be like other seniors sleeping in and nodding over their porridge in late morning. Last winter or winter before last, he locked himself out of the house in the middle of winter – taking out garbage. He had no coat but he did have his phone. It was me again who had to rescue him. I asked him why he had to take that little bit of garbage out when he had been told not to in winter. We can do that for him. He said the garbage bin was just a few steps out the door.

I am taking note on how not to be when I get into my dotage. I have no children or grandchildren to drive crazy. I do have a savings account plan for such an age. When the time comes I will check myself into a care home. Perhaps it is time to think of such matters. I am sure that not everyone is on the same page. Therefore, I have to chill, not stay mad and do things to make myself happy. Nobody else can or will. Now, I have some peas to blanch and freeze.

What’s Next?

Posted on by
4

August 1, the morning after the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am enjoying the cool of the morning. We had breakfast on the deck, the first time in a long while. I enjoyed my omelette and toast, followed by a sweet sliced apricot. So what now, after the July writing challenge is over?

Yesterday, I was profoundly numbed, sad and mad. I guess I was overcome by heat and the stress of tending to my elderly father. I was sorely disappointed by his thoughtless and selfish behaviour. All this atop of the politics of the world. Then there’s our premier, Scott Moe, who attended Lindsey Graham’s funeral in the U.S. on the taxpayers’ dollar. It adds to my distress that many Saskatchewan citizens supported his action and Graham.

In the evening we watched the movie In the Land of Blood and Honey about the Bosnian war. Why is it that women always get raped in wars? Watching a scene of a soldier raping a womon in front of other captured women, sparked a thought I never had before. Was my grandmother raped when she was imprisoned by the communists? I will never know. My mother and most of her siblings are gone. There is no one to ask except my youngest uncle. I will not ask that question. My grandmother has been gone for over 50 years now.

I think I’ve gotten over feeling mad and angry about where I find myself in life. I have a partner late in life. I do not have children and of course, no grandchildren. No legacy. It seemed my lot was to tend to others and that’s what it’s been. I remember the times when I felt it was more bearable to shoulder the burden myself than watch others suffer. And so I have suffered. Those times have come to an end. That doesn’t mean that I will become it is all about me. I don’t have that in me. In reality it will be a very slow transition in taking care of myself as well as others.

I think that is what’s next. I will start by doing what I love and what makes me feel good. I love words. I love how they march across my screen. I love how they can ease my heart. I love the smell of the bitter melons in the greenhouse in the morning. I love my garden spaces. I love the cool morning breeze, the silence and a slow cup to tea.That’s it. That’s all for now.

There’s a Crack in Everything

Posted on by
8

It’s July 31, the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Cooler breezes prevail. I can feel a change in the air. I can feel a cascade of emotions within me. No optimism, no joy, just a sense of sadness for all the cracks that are present in our world today. It makes me think of Leonard Cohens song Anthem. It’s true that the crack is where the light gets in. Equally true, it is where the darkness comes in, too.

It’s good to remember to ring the bells that still can ring and forget about the perfect offering. And I like to remember to smile the while when I can. Good things still exist. I made a good run at this July UBC, missing only one day. That was the day when I had to take my father in to Emergency in respiratory distress. He has recovered remarkably well for a 95 year old. He continuous to be his old mischievous self, getting into trouble unnecessarily.

Just a few days after getting over pneumonia, he has to truck down to the basement to cut his hair. Yesterday morning at 8, he went outside and a tumble on the front lawn. No serious injuries except painful ribs on coughing. He’s not confused. He’s been warned not to do these things many times. It’s just who he is. I’m almost over getting angry at him because it is a waste of my energy. I’ve just made another trip over to see how he is. He is ok, not owning up, of course. He is always very clever at explaining. Those incidents are what are called accidents. How can you argue with that?

I do understand the elderly. It helps to read this post about how Clint Eastwood feels about getting old. Whether he wrote it or not it rings true. I wonder how I will be when I get to be 90. I hope I can participate in the UBCs That’s something to aim for. LOL. Thank you, Paul for hosting the challenges. Thank you everyone for writing and reading.

Anthem – Leonard Cohen

The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what has passed away
Or what is yet to be

Ah, the wars they will be fought again
The holy dove, she will be caught again
Bought and sold, and bought again
The dove is never free

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

We asked for signs
The signs were sent
The birth betrayed
The marriage spent
Yeah, and the widowhood
Of every government
Signs for all to see

I can’t run no more
With that lawless crowd
While the killers in high places
Say their prayers out loud
But they’ve summoned, they’ve summoned up
A thundercloud
They’re going to hear from me

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

You can add up the parts
But you won’t have the sum
You can strike up the march
There is no drum
Every heart, every heart
To love will come
But like a refugee

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

That’s how the light gets in
That’s how the light gets in

Thursday Show and Tell

Posted on by
6

It’s Thursday, day 30 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m short of time and short of words. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. As you can see I do live in an urban forest, surrounded by trees. I’m grateful for their green and their shade. Both are cooling especially in this heat we find ourselves this summer.

peppers
carrot bed in background. A Japanese haskap berry bush in the middle. A saskatoon berry tree in right corner.
kohlrabis, celery, cukes and a squash.

We try to live as sustainably as we can, growing our own food as much as we can. We have 36 solar panels on the house and have added some on the garage in the back. We have a rain catchment by the side of the house. It is hidden behind a painting of a waterfall by the guy. We also have 3 sets of water catchment in the back. Doing our best but it’s probably not enough.

Wordless Wednesday – My Backyard Food Forest

Posted on by
10

Another almost perfect summer day for day 29 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m almost at the finish line. I’m running low on energy as harvesting and perserving it has started. To make it easy, it’s a show and tell of my backyard food forest. You don’t need alot of space to grow alot of food. It’s alot of work but lots of satisfaction also.

The inground garden between the house and garage holds: Kiwis along garage wall. Aspargus, potatoes, tomatoes and Chinese long beans along fence by neighbour’s garage. Swedish beans and cauliflower in next bed. Garlic in the next bed over. Zucchinis and eggplants in far bed. Rhubarb, lovage and goiji berry at the end horizontal bed.

grapes and raspberries
strawberries
tomatoes, greens and brassicas
potatoes,squash and Chinese long beans
bitter melons, peppers and cucumbers

In the 2nd last photo, we have 3 haskap berry bushes and one sour cherry.

Urban Forest Bathing

Posted on by
4

It’s a near perfect sunny day for this 28th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The house was cool in the morning with cool breezes through the open windows. We are moving through the summer season. The trees are casting longer shadows, providing shade on my morning walk.I am living in an urban forest. Trees flank both sides of the street as far as my eyes can see. The guided forest bathing session on Sunday is still fresh in my memory. I am using it to practice wherever and whenever I am awake and aware to my surroundings. I do not need to make a special trip to a special place.

I try to remember the exercises and the questions. The first is where do I feel most at home. I do feel quite at home walking down my street towards the mall. What is moving? What do I hear? Traffic is the answer to both questions. The movement and noise do not bother me. They are what I am used to having lived on this busy street for so many years.

But it is the first time that I took notice of the many trees that flank both sides of the street and the shadows they cast. It is also the first time I felt the bodily pleasure of walking this street. This street is my friend.I feel safe and loved as if the branches are holding me in their embrace. In this moment I am content and happy.

All Talked Out

Posted on by
9

Another hot day gearing up. I thought I would get an early start and tackle work outside. I hooked up the hose to our rain catchment behind the garage to fill the pails for the greenhouse. I waited and waited. No water came forth. I turned off the tap, disconnected the hose and turned on the tap. Not one drop of water! My ugly neighbour immediately came to mind. We saw her messing around the area when we drove out of the garage a few days ago. She has raspberry bushes right beside the rain catchment. It would be an easy thing for her to turn on the tap and drain it. She has dumped our rain water into the back alley before when we used a big tub.

We thought there was nothing for her to complain about with an enclosed unit. No breeding ground for mosquitoes. Nothing ugly to bring down the property tax on our block. I know, of course, that these are not her true objections. What I know for sure is that her objection is me. She takes pleasure in causing me grieve. In the past, I have blown my top and lost my mind many, many times. The only thing I’ve accomplished with that is compromising my physical and mental health.

Now, I don’t turn a blind eye. I see her and I know her. I know I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to talk to her, have ignored her and have reported her to the liason person within the police department. She’s not a person that I have an ability to talk, explain and reason with. The police had a problem talking with her also. She talks over me and them. She reminds me very much like a Donald Trump. Quite often when I used to talk about her in the past, people probably thought I was the problem. You should talk with her was an often given advice.

The good thing is she is not malignant. She does petty vandalism. I think she is also a bit of a coward. She hides in her house after she causes some mischief. My best weapon is not to give her any attention. She is really not worth it. I truly cannot love my neighbours. I have one on each side of me and one across the street. All women. But I do not hate them. I have compassion for these souls. But I am not their keeper.

Wordless Sunday – Forest Bathing

Posted on by
11


This morning we participated in forest bathing led by the guy’s friend who is a trained therapist. Forest bathing, or shinrin-yoku, is a mindful Japanese practice of soaking in the forest atmosphere through your senses to lower stress, reduce blood pressure and boost immunity. It was held from 9 am to 12 noon at Boffins Public Garden at the University of Saskatoon.

For the most part, I was mindful, bathed in the nature around me. It was hard to be fully immersed in the there and then. There’s this wanting to capture, have and hold. I haven’t learned yet to just experience with my senses and hold it within my body. Hence these photographs for this day 26 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

The Beat/Heat Keeps On

Posted on by
4

It’s day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We’re marching towards the end of July and the Challenge. Another red sun in morning and it is 30℃ at 2:19 in the afternoon. My father should be home from the hospital soon. He was to be discharged yesterday but asked the doctor if he could stay another day. He wasn’t ready and anxious about getting sick again. Understandable as he’s had 2 bouts of respiratory distress in the last 2-3 weeks. I was happy that he could as his blood pressure was 200/something when we visited in the afternoon. It would be another round of what should we do if he was at home.

The hospital can be a life saver but at the same time untoward things can happen. For some unknown reason, his blood pressure pills were held for 3 days. Of course his blood pressure went up and up. Then they restarted them. It takes awhile before they could catch up their pace. It did get better and fairly good by morning. I did not pursue why the blood pressure meds were stopped as it would serve no purpose. No harm was done. And I just got a text from my brother he is home.

I’ve had a busy morning. Knowing it was going to be another hot day, I got right down to business with the grass whipper snipper. Then I hustled along with my morning walk to the mall. The trees cast enough shade along most of my walk. At Freshco I bought some bananas for my father, blueberries and cherries for myself. The bananas were a heavy lot. I had to rest a couple times on bus stop benches on the way home.

This heat is here to stay. So are life’s little stresses. I have to think cool, feel strong and heave on. I’ve swept up the grass clippings and washed the walk off. Already hot, I filled the raised beds in the back yard with water and watered the greenhouse. Perhaps I might have a beer with supper tonight. Or I might have it now.

Posted on by
12

The house feels amazingly cool at 23℃ this morning. It is already 20℃ at 8:30 in the morning. There’s a red ring around the sun. The sky is hazy. No smell of smoke in the air. A good sign. I feel the strangeness of everything in the now. I feel as if I’m in one of Barbara Atwood’s science fiction novels. I haven’t read many of her books. The ones I started, I couldn’t finish. I found them too strange and unsettling. That is how I am feeling these days. I am a chicken shit.

I’m trying to get a start on my day and not wallow in my feelings and moods. I wish I could be more organized and have a plan on how to tackle each day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge like many of my fellow bloggers. Alas, it’s a bit late in the game. We’re into day 24. Perhaps I am not doing too bad as I’ve only missed a day. Still having a plan is better than flying by the seat of my pants. It’s a bit of a struggle living on the fly. Things have caught up and I am in a hell of a clutter.

Before it was mostly paper. The paper still exist. I can’t seem to deal with opening the mail. I toss them on the table meaning to later…Of course the later never comes. Now, I have alot of my mother’s clothes. I have sorted some and donated them. Then there’s the