LIKE A DREAM LOST

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.

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LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

My morning self is a more positive side even in this sea of grief that we are presently in. At some point last night, I had to stop watching the vigil honouring the Humboldt Broncos.  Otherwise, it would be difficult to extricate myself from overwhelming sadness. As it is the thoughts of the accident and deaths are always there, just beneath the surface.

April can be such a hard month. The sky is grey. It is snowing. Spring is not ready to show itself. On this morning memories of other tragic accidents surface. Young lives were lost in those motor vehicle mishaps from high school days. We were given the information at the time. Someone died. But there was no counselling and talk sessions after. Perhaps it is better now  to have all this media coverage.  We need to hear all the stories as much as the people need to tell them. So good that there’s emotional and psychological support available to people so quickly. We have come a long ways in dealing with trauma.

I shall meander through this time as best as I can. It is not my sadness but we all share the same space, breathe the same air. We are all bonded in our humanity. Let me not shy away from what is here. It is not my sadness. It is not my story but I can sit and listen. I will shed some tears but I will be okay.

 

 

 

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LIFE, DEATH AND TRASH

I was surprised that I did sleep well last night. But my worms are alive and wiggling again this morning. Our province and I’m sure other parts of the country are awashed with grief. 15 people were killed over the weekend when the Humboldt Broncos junior hockey team bus collided with a transport truck. There are no words to describe but I’ll try to tap dance my way out. It serves no purpose to be caught in darkness and hopelessness. I might as well get on with shedding my mental and physical trash.

I have never found an easy journey, not any that’s worth travelling. First of all, you have to know your destination, where you want to arrive or achieve. Then you have to know the directions and how to’s. You would need a vehicle or tools. Do you have enough fuel or the desire. These are the considerations before you start out. I have failed in the past because lack of planning and thinking out the steps. Now that I know better, how am I doing?

I like to think I’m doing better. I know I am doing very well. I have a destination. I have tools. I have focus. I have read 70% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It contains very good information of how and why we became who we are. Understanding is the key to any procedure/change. It is the aha/lightbulb moment. It is tricky though. Now I see. Then I don’t see. I’ve had to give things a rest until I see again. It is difficult but I am persistent in emptying my mental trash along with my physical and computer trash.

It is almost noon. Time to think about and prepare lunch. My Roomba is going up and down the hall, having vacuumed the bedroom and the bathroom. Cleanliness is next to holiness in my humble opinion. No more trash is my new motto.

 

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LAYING GHOSTS TO REST

It is the latest I’ve come to this space yet. I had considered not showing up at all but things  are niggling in the recesses of my mind. I don’t want them there at this hour to linger and cause wakefulness through the night. I want to chase them out onto the page. I can’t really identify their identities. Maybe the exercise of tapping on the keys will chase them out. I have a sense they are the ghosts that used to haunt me in my dreams. They are not welcomed back.

I have been learning so much valuable insight from Caroline Myss’ videos on her workshop on Understanding Your Own Power. I see how I have been losing my own personal power. It’s such a simple thing when you see. It’s a whole bunch of lightbulbs lighting up. Bing! Bing! Bing! I can’t really articulate it. I’ve been into the wine again. One glass will do it. Besides, I do not want to articulate it. It’s for me to understand. It is for everyone else to understand it for themselves. But here’s 4 questions that she posed to work on to help you.

  1. Name 3 ways you are influenced by the outside world but which you don’t want it to.
  2. Name 3 people who have too much influence over you and you don’t want them to.
  3. Name 3 people you influence too much.
  4. Name the beliefs that you have and nurture even if you know that they are not true.

I will ponder and work on these questions tomorrow. My ghosts are laid to rest. No worms or other things niggling in my head. I can sleep tonight.

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DROPOUTS and FANTASIES

Today I felt like a dropout. I wanted to drop out of aerobics. I want to drop out of doing everything, even walking Sheba.  I didn’t though. What else would I do? I sucked it up, packed my gym bag and headed out the door. I have had this feeling on many occasions. There have been more than once that I’ve thought it would be nice if everything was taken care of for me. But who would want that job? It’s a nice fantasy but I really don’t think I would like to be so helpless.

I  toughed it out, putting my mind to do my best. I was moving my body. I was sweating. I was burning calories, making serotonin. I was getting a workout. It doesn’t have to be fun to be beneficial. Today, it wasn’t fun though Tabata is my favourite workout. Somedays are like that you know. Somedays everything feels like work. So I worked it! Taking Sheba out was groaning time again. Easter’s come and gone but it’s still damn cold and unpleasant.

Supper’s come and gone. I’m sitting here sipping my wine, trying to tap out an ending. I’m feeling a little more mellow. I’ve transplanted a few more broccoli seedlings, painted another index card and cut my hair. I got a load in the washer waiting for me to push on. Maybe I should try coming here in the morning for a change. My outlook is more positive. I wouldn’t be tapping my mood all over the page. I might have more ideas to share.

The thing is I like to sit with my tea  in the quiet of the morning. I like to enjoy the sweet nothings of that time before the day starts. After it does, everything rushes in to fill every space and corner. So for now, I shall keep it for myself.

 

 

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STICKING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET

It’s 10:30 in the morning. Already my mind is frazzled, splintered into little pieces here and there. My thoughts are darting everywhere, trying to synchronize my day, my life. Many what ifs are popping into my awareness. I recogize that I’m catastrophizing. I’m tapping to put a stop to the flow.concentrating.on.one.word.at.a.time. I’m not giving it space to grow.

The sun is casting its cool weak beams over the dreariness of our landscape. A scatter of fine snow made a brief appearance. It is a late spring. I’m slowly tending to my seedlings. The rest of the kohlrabi are transplanted. I’m starting on the broccoli. The tomatoes, peppers, cukes, squash and the petunias are growing like weeds. They don’t make too much demands – just a little water and maybe a touch of 20-20-20 fertilizer now and then. As to what kind of spring and summer we will have, it is out of my control. I will adjust as best as I can. There is no point in hoping. Hoping without doing is useless.

My mind is less chaotic, slowing down with each tap and a sip of tea in between. I breathe, sip, and tap. I will stop my flow of thoughts now and listen to a bit of Caroline Myss. I’ll let her whip me into shape. She’ll tell me to stop and put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes. That’ll cool it off.

Hooray, I’m back, calmer and cooler! I’ve had lunch, too. That helps alot, especially since it’s leftover turkey. Turkey is supposed to contains lots of tryptophan which in turn boosts your serotonin level to make you happy. I hear that it’s a myth, but I still like to believe it. I have my present mood as a proof. Doing things one at a time also slows my frenetic brain. I’m learning to respect my body and mind. I can’t take on many tasks, issues, activities, people. The list goes on and on. I’m made to live a small life, a life on an index card,  in a one-inch frame, a life in the present moment. I am happy with that. It fills my plate.

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STOP! LET ME THINK

I am not making any better time today but at least I am not making more clutter. I dealt swiftly with the incoming mail. I just have to repeat it every day. So many things are calling my name. Some things will have to wait. I will make a list of things to tend to for tomorrow. I will use my small index cards. Got the idea from Kinsey Millhone, the private detective character from Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. She jots important notes on index cards and files them after. Mine can go into the recycling bin after.

My flow of words seemed to have dried up! Maybe I need my glass of wine now. Goes to show how exciting my life is. I started back with my aerobic classes after a few absent sessions due to physical ailments and the Easter weekend. It feels like it’s been a long while. I’m feeling out of shape already and my enthusiasm waning. There is danger of dropping out hanging in air. This spring has been hard. I said that about winter, too, didn’t I?

I’ve been using the word too much lately. I can hear my mother admonishing me in my head. She’s a great storyteller. She used to talk to me about our family and ancestors. She admires my grandfather’s brother and recounts numerous things that he has told her. One of which is never think of anything as being hard. Make a start and things will follow to resolution. In a difficult situation he would say, Stop! Let me think. They’re very good stategies. A pause is often fruitful whereas rash reactions could lead to more problems.

I’m working on my glass of wine now. Feeling mellow. Enjoying the pause. Tomorrow is another day.

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