why I write

ENCHANTMENT

January 2. Day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. So far, so good. I’m still here, showing up and fulfilling my commitment of writing a post a day. It sounds easy when I’m in the moment of doing it one day at a time. I don’t have a plan. I write because it is my therapy of choice for dealing with all the stresses of every day living. My writing is the place I come to dump all my negativity. It is my sounding board. It is my planner. It listens and I feel heard and not judged. I share because it is a requirement of the challenge. I share because I have nothing to hide. It is hard for me to harbour all the bad stuff and joy inside. If my experience is of help to others, I feel all the better for it. And they might share something of benefit to me.

I’ve just finished a photo challenge, December Reflections,  with Susannah Conway wherein we post a photo a day to a prompt. It is exactly my cup of tea – words prompting a picture. The prompt for the last day was: My Word for 2023…And here is my photo and words.

December Reflections. Day 31. MY WORD(S) FOR 2023 are LETTING GO of thins that no longer work. Finding the JOY in the SIMPLE things of life.

I think they are very good words to live by and to write by. I had been hanging on to so many things that no longer served me. I was afraid of change of letting go. I was afraid of empty spaces. Now I have more energy and room for new and better things that matter. It’s taken this long for me to see it. I feel such joy in having the weight lifted. I am going slow in exploring my new discovery. I am keeping things easy and simple. I am enchanted and in love with life in this moment. I am in the honeymoon phase. I hope it will last. I will listen to Bruce Lipton talk about the honeymoon effect on how to maintain it. Meanwhile, here are a few more visual enchantment from the Enchanted Forest at the Forestry Farm in Saskatoon. New Year’s evening was a perfect time for a drive through Candy and other fairy tale Lanes.

FIRST DAYS

A beautiful morning for the first of May and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been writing for it for quite a few years now but the first day is always an exciting time. It’s a chance to begin anew and to do better. Though my goal is to post every day, there might be days when it won’t happen. I will give it my best. I’ve set other goals for the month also. They have to do with giving myself more time to savour and enjoy. I’ve been running on empty on that account. There’s goal setting and setting goals. I’ve been on the to ‘accomplish’ these days. I seldom just do nothing. There’s that gadget I’m attached to. It’s like an appendage – the smartphone.

It does not allow me much rest time. They, whoever they are, are very smart at getting me and otheres addicted. I want to get free of this. I am sure that it adds to my forgetfulness and inattentiveness. I no longer feel like I need to remember anything. I can google for anything, right? Yes, I do google alot, but I’m finding that my memory muscle as well as my attention muscle are shot. It’s hard for me to retain anything. I do worry about Alzheimer’s. It’s a reason for me to be proactive now to detach myself a little from the phone and Iternet. Moderation in everything is the best advice.

I’m hoping that my writing every day here will help. I shall have to set aside this time to sit, rest and think about my words. They can open doors to many new and adventurous things. When I am busy doing, doing and doing, I have no opportunity to stand back and assesse. Am I enjoying what I am doing? Does it add to my life? What purpose does it serve? If I stop, what would happen? Enough questions to think about. It is early evening by now. I have been busy doing and doing all afternoon. It was enjoyable and needed doing. That I can tell you.

DAY 21 UBC – THE EVOLUTION OF THINGS

The Evolution of Things

Here I am again, at the end of the day, trying to find a few words, thoughts worthy of a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. There’s a few things I could talk about that could raise some controversy. They could generate interest, heat and possibly more traffic to this site. But that has never been my goal for writing. I don’t have a business, product or service to sell. I write for the beauty of the word. I write as a form of therapy. I write in the hope I can help another having similar experiences, interests and problems. So I won’t talk about the elections, Canadian or American. And I won’t talk about whether we should or shouldn’t celebrate Halloween.

I had a good start to the day, sleeping in to almost 8:45 am. My first reaction was, Oh God! I have to cancel my exercise class. Then I thought, How stupid. I don’t have to be there till 9:30. I even have time for breakfast. I was really glad that I showed up because exercise is the best medicine. It cleared my brain fog after retirement. A couple of weeks after I started the AM Energizer class at the YWCA, I felt so much better. I was so excited, I talked about it alot. I talked about it so much, the guy decided he wanted to go, too. I am sure it’s the reason why we are as healthy and active as we are.

It certainly helped resetting my mood and circadian rhythm. I am sure they are interrelated. I know I have my days, but overall I have a pretty grip on life. I am optimissic and happy even in this Covid time. That is not saying I haven’t had my difficult days – seeing my mother through her shingles and losing Sheba. They occurred during the pandemic but not because of it. I cannot really say I suffered. I was still able to move about freely. I was still able to take my mother to her medical appointments. I was still taking Sheba to the dog park and let her run. The pandemic made it a little harder going to the medical appointments. It made it not possible to be with her at the moment of Sheba’s passing. But the vetinary people were kind. They brought her out so that we could say goodbye.

Those two experiences were life changing and helpful for me. I would say that this pandemic is life changing and could be helpful for all of us. We have to be open to change. And when it is forced upon us, we should be grateful that there is in time for us to make the changes. We don’t have to cry and lament about what we have lost. We could look at what we could gain. I’m speaking from a very safe space. I am retired. I haven’t lost employment or income. I don’t have children or other dependents. I do feel very grateful and privileged. I am in this very moment very happy. It’s a light bulb moment for me.

MONDAY, MONDAY

Monday morning coming down. May 11th, the calendar pages are advancing. The sun is out shining bright. My day has started. Breakfast over and done with. I’ve shaped my sourdough loaves. They are chilling in the fridge. They can chill up to 24 hours. The longer they stay, the tastier and more stable they get. That is what they say. Maybe I will wait to bake them tomorrow morning and test out the theory.

My Sheba and I are growing old together. She has a little more white than I do. Her hips are worse off, too, giving her trouble these last couple of weeks. I try not to feel too bad or sad when I see her stumble. She still loves her walks and able to go up and down the deck stairs. There’s a few more things I can do to help her like doing range of motion on her hips. She’s content to let me massage and brush her, even on her backend. She is already on fish oils and glucosamine. I will try to wean a little weight off her. It will be a task as she loves food. I’m adding a little ground flax to her food and see if that will help. I hear that cumin is a good anti inflammatory. We will check with the vet.

Mornings are my best time. It is late afternoon. My mood and energy are sagging and dragging the floor. It is impossible to work on the hard stuff when I’m feeling thus. Bad habits are hard to break but I did get the kohlrabi and broccoli seedlings transplanted. They were beyond leggy and flopping over. Gardening has not been easy this year. I keep plodding along. I will be glad for my persistence and efforts come harvest time. I think of the reward to keep myself moving along.

Excuse my monotone. I’m struggling to finish this post. I find myself struggling with everything. I just have to take life in smaller bites and swallows these days. You wonder why I bother with my mutterings. Sometimes I wonder, too. But I’m the better for showing up here. It gives me order to my day. The rhythm of the keys tapping calms and soothes me. It gives me purpose. It records my moods, problems and helps me find workable solutions. It keeps me sane.

 

THE WHYS OF MY WRITING

Do you like to write? If you do, why?

I have this compulsion and obsession to write because I love words, the sound of them and the beauty they can create stringing them together. I love how the letters, words and sentences march across the screen as I sit here tap, tapping. I write often/all the time for comfort. I write for the sound of a friendly voice, my own. I write to find objectivity, clarity, wisdom and whatever comes up in the conversation. I write to find and love myself as this poem expresses so beautifully.

Love After Love – Derek Walcott

The time will come 
when, with elation 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror 
and each will smile at the other’s welcome, 

and say, sit here. Eat. 
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart. 
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

the photographs, the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life.

I feel the need of comfort today. The wind blows and howls all day as if someone is suffering and crying. I feel the unease of someone walking over my grave. The sun and cloud vies for dominance, casting shifting shadows over the landscape. I hug myself for comfort. Really I would like to be in bed with the covers over my head. But I hear this voice saying, You can run but you can’t hide. So here I am, facing the music, tap, tapping away a bit of the fear. There’s nowhere to run.

 

THE WHY’S (WISE) ON WRITING

IMG_1628It’s a cool -4 degrees Celsius this morning.  I feel amazingly good.  I don’t question it.  I accept it as my good fortune.  The sun IS shining brightly.  Hallelujah!  I sip my Chai, oh so strong and sweet.  Mmmmm.  Feeling blessed as I sip and tap.

Writing for me is like meditating, the letting go and releasing.  This morning it is a little difficult as my furry neighbour next door and Sheba are having a noisy and excited good morning exchange.  Bow wow!  What do you do?  They are dogs behaving like dogs.

Peace is restored – for a little while.  Can I get back to the zen of the moment?  That is the trick of life, you know  – to return to your purpose again and again, no matter the distractions or how many times you have strayed off the path.  I find my way to the place I have left.  I try not to back track to the beginning.  Otherwise, I cannot get pass GO.  I will be stuck forever at the starting gate.

I’m spending a little time on why I write.  Here I go again! I’m asking the why of things.  Can’t leave that alone, can I? The thing that comes to mind is that it gives me pleasure. It is such a sensual thing, this tap, tapping on the keyboard.  I feel each letter and hear each click.  It’s rhythm soothes and excites me at the same time.

It’s a song and dance, a chorus line – the letters getting into position and kicking up their legs and waving their arms to form a line, a sentence, a paragraph….a story/number/dance.  Applause, applause and then encore.  That’s every artist’s hope.

Images and words comes come to me out of nowhere.  They float to me on wings of fancy, much like the ghosts of my childhood.  I feel them in me.  They take me to another place, outside of myself – to be that story, that dance, the Alice’s of my dreams.

I always sing and dance to my own tunes.  I hear myself after awhile – the  warble in my voice, the missed notes and out of steps.  It’s not a bad idea to come out of myself, to hear other stories and to watch other dances.  It is helpful to share and compare.  Everyone has a story, a song and a dance.

It’s in the sharing and daring to tell our stories that opens up the world to us.  Soon others give and receive in kind.  I write to enrich my life.  I am always reaching out there to touch a sister, a brother, a kindred spirit.  That’s the way of my mother, her father and mother and all her siblings.  I come by it honestly.  There is no other way for me.  We suffer for it.

People don’t always reciprocate.  Some don’t want to and some can’t.  I try not to ponder the why’s.  Through life’s journey, I have learned to accept and not to take it personally.  I have lost nothing in the process.  I am neither less nor more.  But I have created the possibility to receive more.  It is worth it.

I write because I love the words, the beauty they can capture on a page.  They crystallize those whimsical images and ideas that come to me from outer space.  On a good day, I am able to tap them out onto the screen.  On a good day I can make them sing and dance for me. Today is a good day for me.  It is cold but my office is bathed in the warmth of the sun. Sheba is laying peacefully on the floor while my furry neighbour smiles at us from across the fence.

Want to sing and dance together?  I’m not good at duets but I’m willing to try.