Tag Archives: family

Gratitude and Choices

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Life feels so busy, even in retirement. I can’t say I am bored and have nothing to do. I would love to, though. I am just sitting down for a rest stop before attacking and prepping the turkey for the oven. No, it is not Thanksgiving yet. The turkey has been in the freezer longer than it need be. I thought Monday was a good day to cook it being on the cool side. My retired brain forgot by Monday. Lucky I remembered late yesterday that it was still thawing in the cooler. To be truthful, it was quite thawed.

It’s a bit warmish, 25℃. There’s a cool breeze so hopefully the house won’t get too hot. I am a bit sweaty and limp. Today felt hot. I went in early this morning to get bloodwork from my physical done. I had to wait over an hour. I was thirsty and hungry by the time I got home. My systolic blood pressure was barely over 100. I hadn’t even taken my morning pill yet. It’s not bad news but it reminded me of my disappointment with my doctor’s appointment the other day.

I wished he was more interested, specific and helpful. When I told him that the blood pressure taken by the nurse was high and not accurate. I had just come in after a stressful drive and sat down. It has been low lately. He took my word and did not check my blood pressure himself. He said I could cut back my medication a bit. If it’s ok after a week, I’m good to go. Not that I am complaining. I guess I am. He is nice enough, kind enough but didn’t look very animated. He’s been like that the last few years. I have wondered if he is depressed. I am very low maintenance. Just a yearly checkup for bloodwork and prescription renewal. Not much of a physical check when I don’t have to take off any clothes.

I suppose I should feel grateful that I do have a family doctor. Many don’t. There is a shortage of them so you can’t shop around. I am grateful that I do have knowledge and resources. I am a long retired nurse. I’ve been doing the medical running around the last few years with my mother and now my father. I am getting to know my way around. Sometimes it is very tiring. It’s hard to feel good and secure when there are no resources and choices.

August Loves and Hates

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The thing I hate about August is it’s fruit fly season. These pesky little flying things are everywhere, dropping into teacups, wineglasses and my sourdough starter. They can get in even when there’s a cover. I have to set up a trap with an apple vinegar and dish soap trap or else they’re going to drive me nuts. I am half way there already with shorter daylight hours. I am noticing my rising moodiness. It’s another thing I hate about August. The fruit and house flies adds to the lot.

Thank God there’s no forest fire smokes this year. I dread it every August but there’s less and less of it every year now. Perhaps there’s no more forests to burn. What a cheerful thought, eh? And perhaps there’s no climate change and Donald Trump is just a figment of our imagination. I better cool and change my thoughts or I’ll think myself into a trash bin. I hate these runaway ugly thoughts of mine. What can I do about it?

What I have learned from experience is that it does not help to talk about it to people. It make me feel worse. I try to keep silent and wrangle some words here instead. Tapping works out the kinks. There’s no judgement. There’s no shoulds. August days when I feel like this, I love my keyboard. I love watching the letters and words march across the screen. It’s my inhale and exhale. These August days, I love having coffee at the mall with my mother’s and now mine friends. I love listening to their stories of how they came to Canada, their hardships and their joys. I love their generosity of showing their appreciation of my company.

I love how the light changes in August. There’s a softening and luminosity about it. The garden looks so beautiful in August lights. And I am happy again despite the shortening of days.

Aiming for a Better Me

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August 10th morning coming down. Seems like summer made a sudden departure and we are left in the cool. It is grey and cool. I don’t feel an urge to pick up my heels for my morning walk. Instead, I’ll do my walking on the keyboard for awhile. I am making a conscious effort of not being a gerbil on a wheel. I’ll see if I can break some bad habits and become a better happier version of myself.

Beginnings of anything is the hardest part. I’m feeling stuck already. The thing I can/should do is to pay my house insurance. It is due on the 15th. I have a hot pink post it note to remind me. I’ve just taken time to make said payment for the insurance online. It took only minutes. That little initiative led me to change the bed linen and toss it in the laundry. While I was at it, I thought I might as well dust the bedroom. Having done all that, I felt a need to reward myself with a coffee.

On second thought a morning walk would be a better reward. A walk could loosen that stuck feeling, burn some calories and boost my mood. So that was what I did, my daily walk to the mall. While I was there I bought some B.C peaches and a bag of pluots. You may wonder, what the hell are pluots? They are a cross between a plum and an apricot. I haven’t tasted them yet. I’m hoping for delicious.

Now at the end of the day, I am waiting for my supper. I am pleased with my performance. I blanched and froze more beans, harvested some bitter melons, cucumbers, squash and 2 cherry tomatoes. I visited my father to see if he is ok. My sister had reported that he complained of a sleepless night because of his heart palpatations. I took the guy along so we can say we want to harvest the garlic planted in his garden. I do not want him to give him undue attention.

When we got there, I could see he had been out weeding in the front yard. There was clumps of dandelion strewn here and there. I could not find him in the house. When I went to the back door, I could see him standing on the step looking fine and perky. I made no big deal about it. In fact I made no mention of it. I did not ask about his night or his heart. But of course, he had to tell me. I told him I couldn’t sleep either. I reminded him his heart thing was nothing new and if it wasn’t too bad…..

I left it at that. I did not reprimand him or remind him that he said he was not going to go out ever again after he said he fell. He will do what he will do. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t hold him back. I have to be smart, not to waste my energy and lose my temper and mind. On the last drive to ER, I did wonder what would happen if I was to have a heart attack even if the guy was driving.

On Life and Aging

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It was a cool breezy August 2nd this morning. I had to close the vents in the greenhouse. It quickly warmed up now almost at noon, I can still enjoy my tea and a cool breeze in the shade. I’m facing the back alley and have my laptop on my lap. I feel irksome with life and still mad at dad. I feel like one of those parents who lectures their children. After all I have done for you, this is what I get!

I will not lecture him. It will not do any good except make me feel guilty. He will look contrite like a whipped puppy. I will feel abusive and that will suck all the joy out of everything. He always say he won’t go down the basement anymore and not go outside. Then he does. I know that and have no problems with it. You can’t tie him up. But does he have to do these things just days after getting out of the hospital? Does he need to go down the front steps at 8 o’clock in the morning? He’s been told many times for many years not to go out so early in the morning. He has COPD. The dew and pollen count is highest in the morning. Then he tells us he fell.

Lucky for him and us that he was not seriously hurt and got up using his cane. There was no witnesses to the event. All this makes me wonder how I will be at his age. I wonder why he is still so restless, getting into scrapes. Why can’t he be like other seniors sleeping in and nodding over their porridge in late morning. Last winter or winter before last, he locked himself out of the house in the middle of winter – taking out garbage. He had no coat but he did have his phone. It was me again who had to rescue him. I asked him why he had to take that little bit of garbage out when he had been told not to in winter. We can do that for him. He said the garbage bin was just a few steps out the door.

I am taking note on how not to be when I get into my dotage. I have no children or grandchildren to drive crazy. I do have a savings account plan for such an age. When the time comes I will check myself into a care home. Perhaps it is time to think of such matters. I am sure that not everyone is on the same page. Therefore, I have to chill, not stay mad and do things to make myself happy. Nobody else can or will. Now, I have some peas to blanch and freeze.

What’s Next?

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August 1, the morning after the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am enjoying the cool of the morning. We had breakfast on the deck, the first time in a long while. I enjoyed my omelette and toast, followed by a sweet sliced apricot. So what now, after the July writing challenge is over?

Yesterday, I was profoundly numbed, sad and mad. I guess I was overcome by heat and the stress of tending to my elderly father. I was sorely disappointed by his thoughtless and selfish behaviour. All this atop of the politics of the world. Then there’s our premier, Scott Moe, who attended Lindsey Graham’s funeral in the U.S. on the taxpayers’ dollar. It adds to my distress that many Saskatchewan citizens supported his action and Graham.

In the evening we watched the movie In the Land of Blood and Honey about the Bosnian war. Why is it that women always get raped in wars? Watching a scene of a soldier raping a womon in front of other captured women, sparked a thought I never had before. Was my grandmother raped when she was imprisoned by the communists? I will never know. My mother and most of her siblings are gone. There is no one to ask except my youngest uncle. I will not ask that question. My grandmother has been gone for over 50 years now.

I think I’ve gotten over feeling mad and angry about where I find myself in life. I have a partner late in life. I do not have children and of course, no grandchildren. No legacy. It seemed my lot was to tend to others and that’s what it’s been. I remember the times when I felt it was more bearable to shoulder the burden myself than watch others suffer. And so I have suffered. Those times have come to an end. That doesn’t mean that I will become it is all about me. I don’t have that in me. In reality it will be a very slow transition in taking care of myself as well as others.

I think that is what’s next. I will start by doing what I love and what makes me feel good. I love words. I love how they march across my screen. I love how they can ease my heart. I love the smell of the bitter melons in the greenhouse in the morning. I love my garden spaces. I love the cool morning breeze, the silence and a slow cup to tea.That’s it. That’s all for now.

All Talked Out

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Another hot day gearing up. I thought I would get an early start and tackle work outside. I hooked up the hose to our rain catchment behind the garage to fill the pails for the greenhouse. I waited and waited. No water came forth. I turned off the tap, disconnected the hose and turned on the tap. Not one drop of water! My ugly neighbour immediately came to mind. We saw her messing around the area when we drove out of the garage a few days ago. She has raspberry bushes right beside the rain catchment. It would be an easy thing for her to turn on the tap and drain it. She has dumped our rain water into the back alley before when we used a big tub.

We thought there was nothing for her to complain about with an enclosed unit. No breeding ground for mosquitoes. Nothing ugly to bring down the property tax on our block. I know, of course, that these are not her true objections. What I know for sure is that her objection is me. She takes pleasure in causing me grieve. In the past, I have blown my top and lost my mind many, many times. The only thing I’ve accomplished with that is compromising my physical and mental health.

Now, I don’t turn a blind eye. I see her and I know her. I know I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to talk to her, have ignored her and have reported her to the liason person within the police department. She’s not a person that I have an ability to talk, explain and reason with. The police had a problem talking with her also. She talks over me and them. She reminds me very much like a Donald Trump. Quite often when I used to talk about her in the past, people probably thought I was the problem. You should talk with her was an often given advice.

The good thing is she is not malignant. She does petty vandalism. I think she is also a bit of a coward. She hides in her house after she causes some mischief. My best weapon is not to give her any attention. She is really not worth it. I truly cannot love my neighbours. I have one on each side of me and one across the street. All women. But I do not hate them. I have compassion for these souls. But I am not their keeper.

The Beat/Heat Keeps On

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It’s day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We’re marching towards the end of July and the Challenge. Another red sun in morning and it is 30℃ at 2:19 in the afternoon. My father should be home from the hospital soon. He was to be discharged yesterday but asked the doctor if he could stay another day. He wasn’t ready and anxious about getting sick again. Understandable as he’s had 2 bouts of respiratory distress in the last 2-3 weeks. I was happy that he could as his blood pressure was 200/something when we visited in the afternoon. It would be another round of what should we do if he was at home.

The hospital can be a life saver but at the same time untoward things can happen. For some unknown reason, his blood pressure pills were held for 3 days. Of course his blood pressure went up and up. Then they restarted them. It takes awhile before they could catch up their pace. It did get better and fairly good by morning. I did not pursue why the blood pressure meds were stopped as it would serve no purpose. No harm was done. And I just got a text from my brother he is home.

I’ve had a busy morning. Knowing it was going to be another hot day, I got right down to business with the grass whipper snipper. Then I hustled along with my morning walk to the mall. The trees cast enough shade along most of my walk. At Freshco I bought some bananas for my father, blueberries and cherries for myself. The bananas were a heavy lot. I had to rest a couple times on bus stop benches on the way home.

This heat is here to stay. So are life’s little stresses. I have to think cool, feel strong and heave on. I’ve swept up the grass clippings and washed the walk off. Already hot, I filled the raised beds in the back yard with water and watered the greenhouse. Perhaps I might have a beer with supper tonight. Or I might have it now.

Whining and Sighing

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An already hot morning at 10:30 on this day 23 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am on the brink of giving in to the everythings of this world. I haven’t quite fallen in. The sun is unbearably hot with less ozone protection. Researching, I find that Canada’s and the northern regionss ozone have thinned by an average of about 7% since the 1980s. Supposedly the ozone layer is healing. Truth or fake news? Our planet seemed to be heating up every year.

I’ve discovered that cucumber male flowers can become sterile due to heat. My plants in the greenhouse are full of male flowers, more than the female ones. I have pollinated the girls and yet besides the one cucmber we already ate, none came to fruit. So I’m guessing that the males must be shooting blanks. They can recover with cooler weather. If heat can do this to cucumbers, what does it do to us and all living things? Is this not a signal for us to change how we are conducting business on this earth? We can’t eat the greenbacks. Why don’t use them resuscitate this one earth we have?

I probably should stop reading the news. It makes me more melancholic than my natural melancholic self. There’s no fun or use in it. It’s not something I want to bring to the keyboard. I have to pull myself up by the bootstrap, snap out of my old mold, crack the whip and do whatever I have to do. I have to admit that I am a little buried under a little pile of mental overwhelm. Life seems to have no rest stops when you have a 95 year old father. Not complaining. It is what it is. It is not at all the physical thing. He is very low maintenance. It’s the emotional and psychological components that weighs on me.

Enough whining and sighing. Time to get on with the rest of the day. Not sure if my father is being discharged from the hospital today or tomorrow. Will find out soon enough. My brother is there now and he will let me know. Good to have younger siblings. They have more energy and reserve.

ERS and Honeymoons

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July 21, day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I spent yesterday morning in ER with my father. I got his frantic call at 5:30 in the morning. He was having respiratory distress. The guy and I rushed over. He lived just half a block away. We got to RUH ER in good time despite the construction mess enroute. I wheeled my father in though he protested he could walk. It was a eery experience. The place was empty except for 2 security people. I wondered if I had come to the wrong place.

The whole waiting room was empty. It was as if God had cleared the place for us. The staff ushered us right into the trauma room after obtaining a few vital information. The doctor introduced himself to my father and then to us. Then the team proceeded treatment and tests. He was stablized in a short time and moved to an observation room.

This time around the ER experience felt like a honeymoon. It lasted only till late afternoon. The nurse came in and took off all monitoring gizmo and said my father was going to be moved to a hallway. Someone else need the monitoring more. I followed her as she wheeled my father on the stretcher through hallways packed with people. We finally stopped in a hallway by the pediatric surgery. Patients on stretchers were parked along one side of the hall. No curtains, no oxygen outlets, no bathrooms in sight. Call bells were the silver round things on bedside tables you ding for help.

Lucky that my father seemed to be calmer in the hallway than in the observation room. Maybe he felt better seeing he’s amongst other people. He’s been in these situations a few times in the last 2 years. I dare not to ask too much of the nurses seeing how stressed and busy they were. I, too, have learned to adapt. I do not tell them I am a retired nurse. I just observe and listen. And what I noted is that some of them do not take the time to talk to me properly and completely. I let it all go. I’ve learned that there is nothing to gain and quite alot to lose.

I do wonder how I would fare working in their conditions now. I am happy I am not. This nurse was a nurse but not always a nurse. I was grateful that my father got moved out of the hallway into a private room in the evening. The honeymoon resumes. He is doing much better. Home in a few days.

Seasons of Our Lives

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July 19th and 19th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am still here consistently and persistently. I try to be like Patience and Fortitude, the two marble lion stuatues standing guard outside the New York City Public Library. They sit stalwartly through all the weather. I’m trying to do the same through all the heat and my moods.

Today is a much pleasanter day. There’s a cool breeze flowing through the windows. I did not get much done yesterday. No housework. Just barely managed to cut my hair and showered. The heat was the excuse. I didn’t feel guilty as I gave myself the day to do or not to do as I please. It was my home alone day. The guy went to see his sailing buddies off on their annual week long sail. He decided it was time to let it go though he had organized it over 10 years ago. If anyone wants to buy a sailboat, we have one for sale. It’s almost brand new. He spent a year building it. Sailed only a few times.

My friend and fellow blogger, Kebba, said that a life time is not that long. Even 90 years is really a blink of an eye. She is right. So when you recognize a time to let go of something, let it go. There are many seasons in our lives. Some are longer than others. And if something speaks to you, grab it – for however long it speaks to you. At the beginning of our lives together, it was bicycles for the guy. It was a matter of necessity as well as love. The garage became a repair and build workshop. The yard was full of old bikes and parts. I learned to ride a bike, though not well.

We’ve passed the seasons of bikes. We’ve still have a few idling in the bike shed. One of these days if I get brave…and it grabs me…