Sunday morning. It’s cool, cloudy and snowing. It’s 1℃ outside and 8.4℃ in the greenhouse at 10:00. No promise of sun but I took some of the covers off the plants and seedlings so they can get some natural day light at least. We’re going to run some electric heat in there today for the next few days of no sunlight. The greenhouse will not have a chance of getting heated enough during the day to sustain the frosty nights. I have too many growing things and work invested in there to lose now.
I’m trying to maintain the flow. I’ve worked hard to start it. Maintenance takes less energy than having to start over. If I can get up, dress up and show up, that’s half the battle. I have to remember I am not my emotions. I have to set my intentions for the day, make a list and do it. I don’t have to like it. I just need to make it a habit. Liking can come later.
It is Sunday afternoon. No sun but the greenhouse did get up to a high of 15.9℃ at 1:30pm. Now at 3:30 it is on the decline. I’ve become a weather/temperature watcher this spring. I’m paying more attention and seeing how erratic our present day climate is. I’m also more aware of my inner climate. It’s helping me understand and manage my anxiety better. I can feel how powerful and negative my inner dialogue can be. I’m trying to change my thoughts to change my life.
Though I have many bad habits, I have established some good routines and habits these last few years. I fall off the wagon occasionally but I do climb back on. I always try and give a damn. It’s hard for me to give up. These are my main powerful medicines. They keep me afloat and flowing.
I’m experiencing restless brain syndrome today. My monkey mind is taking me here and there, nowhere that is restful. That, too, is best to accept and not try frantically to rid of. Trying to escape would only creates more frantic. I have a headache and a pain in my left jaw from clenching and crunching. I’ve taken a Tylenol. I’m trying to relax everything. My rhythmic tapping on the keyboard is soothing me. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise.
It’s a beautiful day with a nice cooling breeze. I’m trying to enjoy the good and bad of our weather. They are both beautiful, each in their own ways. They keep me on my toes, awake to my senses and my surroundings. They remind me not to fret about things I have no control of. Be like the willow. Bend with the wind so I will not snap. I’m also reminded to be strong like a mountain, sitting firmly through all the seasons. I think of Patience and Fortitude, the two marble lions at the entrance of the New York Public Library. They’re qualities I would like to have.
My mind is still not at rest, not allowing me to settle in a calm state. Sheba is of the same ilk. She is staring and whining/panting at me. We are each influenced by each other’s energy. I have to ignore her. She has been fed, watered and personal needs taken care of. There’s nothing to be done. There always have been days like these, to tolerate and weather as best as I can.
Saturdays are my favourite days and it was a beautiful sunny summer morning with a cool breeze. It was easy getting out the door to do my Saturday morning swim. I swam 26 lengths last week. It felt easy and effortless but no two Saturdays and two swims are the same. I was tired and I didn’t get my lane next to the edge of the pool. Someone beat me to it. Funny how that one little thing can throw me off. But it did, having to deal with a rope on each side. I worry about crashing into them. Then I obsess about my technique doing the backstroke. It made for not an optimum relaxing swim. Still it was my best. I didn’t best the week’s before 26 lengths. But I got in 24.
We are now in the heat of the afternoon – 31 degrees Celsius. Sheba has settled on the cool of the hardwood floor. I was a no show Thursday for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I struggle Friday and today here. I am trying to put my best foot forward though my fingers are somewhat stiff and achy. I wonder why the heat affects the joints that way.
I am still keen in completing the month even though I feel tired and sluggish. These periods where I stutter and stumble are not bad. I think they are necessary rest periods. I need to slow down so I can see and evaluate the distance I’ve come. What have I accomplished? What have I learned? I’ll see if I can answer those questions tomorrow.
Some days are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes it takes a week before I can take the towels out of the dryer. The words don’t come. When they do, they are dryer than dry.
The sun came out today. I thought that would make me happy but it only made my glumness take hold. It was thick. It made it difficult to keep my eyes opened. My legs felt like cement pillars. But I did try to run with Sheba this morning.
It was not a total success. No surprise there, right? I wondered at the perfectly manicured green lawns along our route. Where did people find the energy? Why did they care? They were beautiful, these lush, thick emerald carpets. Even in my state of mind, I appreciated them.
We entered the park. The heaviness eased its burden, for how can it not – amidst God’s green acres. The beauty was too great and it fled, its dark tail between cement legs. I was freed to enjoy God’s creations, if only for moments.
No all days are equal. I know that for sure. Days like today will come again and I will weather it again. So the towels sit in the dryer for a few days. No harm done. My words will play hide and seek with me but they always come back. I need not be a hero and scale walls of tall buildings. I am only Wonder Woman and not Spider Man. I can use these boots and just walk around them. Life continues.
Sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I wake up to the same day over and over. That’s the way it’s been lately. Today is another grey and cool day. It feels damp but no rain or snow – yet.
Wish I could be a wee bit more worldly and talk about more worldly issues like the post, The World is Not Flat. But alas, I can only talk about my every day mundane struggles. I am afraid, dear readers, that it’s all about me. That is all you are going to get – my myopic views of the world as I see it!
How am I seeing my world today? There’s still a lot of the same grey, cool dreariness of yesterday. I push myself to pump up my own adrenalin to head out the door with Sheba for an early morning fast walk. The crisp air helps to propel me forward even though Sheba would rather stop and smell the coffee. Some other morning, Sheba.
There is no point in moping over the weather. It is what it is. I am moving through the day. There are no end of things to do – books to be read and written, seedlings to transplant. My cross-stitch of Jesus is calling me. I’ve been working on it off and on for a few years. It is time to complete unfinished projects.
It is time to put procrastination back on the shelf. There’s a life to be lived and doodles to be doodled. And there is Sheba to be cleaned up after. She has just thrown up on her rug. Grrrrr!
So it is Saturday morning. It is the morning after the morning after. I wake with no boundless joy. It is perhaps the after taste of my night shifts and last night’s wine. And yes, the weather is __ ! Let it snow. Let it snow. Sometimes life feels nauseating.
But I know that these are just the physical symptoms, my body’s reactions to the environment, both the physical and psychological. And it is a good thing. It is an alert for me to waken up, to pay attention, and to restore my homeostasis.
I spent a great part of yesterday on my couch, interrupted by one medium walk with Sheba. No amount of will power nor self pep talk could budge my body. After all these years, I’ve learned to listen to my body. I was glad that I had swept the water from the garage and cleaned the yard the day before. I had heard my little inner voice telling me that the sun is out and you can move today. Tomorrow might be a different thing.
My body is a pretty accurate barometer, for it did snow…pretty soft flakes the morning long. It is really not what most of us want…more snow. But…we do live in Canada and there is nothing we can do to stop the snow when it comes. And that is the truth. It does legitimize being a sloth and I took advantage. Tomorrow is another day.
Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. I do not feel like tap dancing. It is not my nature but I am up and dressed. I am tap, tapping away on my keyboard. I am drawn not so much as to how much I can ‘accomplished’ but to how aware and conscious I am. It is cloudy again but they say under every cloud, there’s a silver lining. It is for me to decide what that is.