backstroke

MY MONKEY MIND

Friday

I’m experiencing restless brain syndrome today. My monkey mind is taking me here and there, nowhere that is restful. That, too, is best to accept and not try frantically to rid of. Trying to escape would only creates more frantic. I have a headache and a pain in my left jaw from clenching and crunching. I’ve taken a Tylenol. I’m trying to relax everything. My rhythmic tapping on the keyboard is soothing me. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise.

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

It’s a beautiful day with a nice cooling breeze. I’m trying to enjoy the good and bad of our weather. They are both beautiful, each in their own ways. They keep me on my toes, awake to my senses and my surroundings. They remind me not to fret about things I have no control of. Be like the willow. Bend with the wind so I will not snap. I’m also reminded to be strong like a mountain, sitting firmly through all the seasons. I think of Patience and Fortitude, the two marble lions at the entrance of the New York Public Library. They’re qualities I would like to have.

Saturday

My mind is still not at rest, not allowing me to settle in a calm state. Sheba is of the same ilk. She is staring and whining/panting at me. We are each influenced by each other’s energy. I have to ignore her. She has been fed, watered and personal needs taken care of. There’s nothing to be done. There always have been days like these, to tolerate and weather as best as I can.

Saturdays are my favourite days and it was a beautiful sunny summer morning with a cool breeze. It was easy getting out the door to do my Saturday morning swim. I swam 26 lengths last week. It felt easy and effortless but no two Saturdays and two swims are the same. I was tired and I didn’t get my lane next to the edge of the pool. Someone beat me to it. Funny how that one little thing can throw me off. But it did, having to deal with a rope on each side. I worry about crashing into them. Then I obsess about my technique doing the backstroke. It made for not an optimum relaxing swim. Still it was my best. I didn’t best the week’s before 26 lengths. But I got in 24.

We are now in the heat of the afternoon – 31 degrees Celsius. Sheba has settled on the cool of the hardwood floor. I was a no show Thursday for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I struggle Friday and today here. I am trying to put my best foot forward though my fingers are somewhat stiff and achy. I wonder why the heat affects the joints that way.

I am still keen in completing the month even though I feel tired and sluggish. These periods where I stutter and stumble are not bad. I think they are necessary rest periods. I need to slow down so I can see and evaluate the distance I’ve come. What have I accomplished? What have I learned? I’ll see if I can answer those questions tomorrow.

 

 

HICCOUGHS

I have to tell you, I’m having more than a few hiccoughs in 2019 and it’s only April. There’s 8 more months to go but who is counting? I’ve been here many times before. I’ve learned it’s best to accept the hiccoughs instead of fighting them. It takes some effort each time. I’m accepting that, too, because that’s how I am. It’s like doing the backstroke in a rocky swimming pool. There’s no smooth gliding. I’m tossed about. I’m not a good swimmer and I start panicking when water floods my face and up my nose. I have to rein myself in from  thrashing wildly about, gain control and float through the waves.

I’m doing just that through this recent hiccough. Who knows what poked the tip of the iceberg. Do I still have hormones? Then there’s the weather, the clouds, winds, dip or rise of temperature along with the atmospheric pressure. Whatever. It does not matter. I’m out of balance, my mood can change on a dime, I can’t sleep, things don’t get done. It feels like weeks long but it is only a couple of days. Life feels like a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

I sound like a wreck, too, but I’ve changed a thing or two. I can almost stop my thoughts and feelings on a dime. I said almost. Now whenever those bad thoughts and feelings come up, I see a stop sign coming at me. I feel that hand pushing me back. STOP! And I do for a minute or two. Huh! I have to roll that around my mind and decide what is best to think, feel and speak. Sometimes the best course of action is no action and no words.

Well, I do hope I can sleep a little better tonight. Maybe I can practice doing the backstroke in my mind to send me off into dreamland. But what will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera, sera.