THE THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO

It is a cloudy afternoon. I am looking forward to a cuppa and my book. I thought best to put down a few words before that or I’m apt to be a no show for today. My eyes are feeling droopy already. I have laundry to hang after this. I wisely tended to the greenhouse right after the lunch dishes. Afternoons are tricky. The sandman tends to come – way before bedtime.

Mornings are my best bet. I always look forward to waking up, getting my morning cup of tea. Then I like to meditate for 20 minutes with Mark Williams. These days I got the NY Times Wordle game bug. I look forward to tackling it after my meditation. I am often distracted during my being mindful time thinking about it. I am an obsessive person. I need to use it in ways helpful to me. Too bad I am not obsessive about tidying and putting things away, especially my paper stuff.

The sky is grey. I feel a storm or/and snow in the air. This kind of weather makes me sleepy, achy and droopy. I had to force myself to get up, go downstairs and hang up the laundry. Well, all the items on my program are almost done. I can afford to droop all I want.

I got in my reading/cuppa time. And it did snow. I’m happy I got everything done, including writing this post and my daily draw/watercolour for #the100dayproject. I was especially tickled with today’s drawing result. It’s from a photograph of a trip to Japan with friends. I didn’t think I could draw a group of people. I didn’t think I had it in me but I remembered what my art instructor told us. Draw/paint what you see. It worked!

So the day is done and I can look forward to tomorrow. It will be another new day and new things to look forward to.

GETTING TO A BETTER PLACE

My head is all a-dither now. I should have listened to myself and put down a few words before life messed it up. I’ll just sit back and take a breath. I’ve been chopping vegetables to throw in with the left over roast beef to make a stew for lunch. I was listening to an episode on feeling overwhelmed on Tapestry. It helped me to identify what I was feeling – moral distress. Yes, I do see that there are so many things wrong in this world of ours and those in power with the power are not addressing them. And so I feel helpless and distressed.

I am not sure if the podcast offered any ideas of what we can do to get to a better place. My mind wandered and meandered. It seems like I cannot chop and listen at the same time. I am feeling less distressed knowing and having a name for what I am feeling. Tapping and seeing the letters, words and sentences march across the screen has always ease whatever angst I am feeling. I am feeling the rhythm of the keyboard. It is a soothing dance for me again. My drawing and watercolour do the same for me. I am a little stuck this morning. Not every thing or every day flows quite the same. That’s how it is.

My third order of seeds arrived this morning. I better stick with my program and do a thing or two daily. Every spring I would wonder how those tiny and not so tiny seeds would grow into the vegetables we eat. It is a miracle. I am glad that it is still a wonder to me. It is almost April and I’ve just used the last butternut squash from last year’s harvest. There’s still a spaghetti and 2 Sweet Mama squashes. We have carrots, beets and potatoes yet. We hope to do better this year. There’s always room for improvement. Growing our own food is our way of getting to a better place.

It snowed overnight. The ground is covered in white again. But our passive solar greenhouse is doing well with the help of a little heater at night. It is our second year. I am a little more experienced and organized. This spring I seeded the beds mostly with cool loving greens. We will get an earlier edible harvest. By the time the heat lovers are ready, the raised beds outside will have the salad greens growing in them. That’s how I’m thinking anyways. The weather have a lot to say about what we do. We will have to work with it. Isn’t that how it is with everything in life – co-operation and working together?

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER POST

It’s that time again wherein I sit down, get down to business and write. What should I write about? Should I tell you about my day, my humdrum every day? I’m a morning person now. Been so for quite a few years. I look forward to getting up between 6 and 7. Seems like there’s a lot to look forward to – even in these times. Though I’m feeling a little stressed, cranky and a bit down in the dumps, I haven’t lost that looking forward feeling. Thank God. I do have a bit of attitude but I don’t want to have nothing to look forward to one. I have standards.

I am trying to break loose of ‘stuck’ with nowhere to go and no stars to reach for. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to stay in it. Exercise has always worked great for me. I was looking forward to heading back to the YWCA pool and swimming. The universe has other plans for me. The pool needs ‘fixing’. It’s been out of service for a couple of months already. So, it’s back to the AM ENERGIZER. It really is one. I’m feeling so much better already after one session. I’m sure I will feel it tomorrow, not having used those muscles for quite awhile.

I decided it might be a good exercise to visit the library again. It was one of my favourite places before Covid. Why can’t it be again? I am disappointed that it is not the same. It does not have the same scope of material it once did. Seems like the city politicians are slashing the wrong budgets, not seeing the importance and scope of the public service the library provides. It’s good for education, socializing and mental health just to name some. Should we just throw up our hands, accept and say. Oh well? Or are there things we can do? It is something to think about while we are stuck here in this Covid time.

Having come back to my keyboard and tapping my heart away, I am not feeling as overwhelmed. I think I have all my tax receipts gathered. This month’s bills are paid. I am doing my daily drawing and watercolour. My desk and dining room table are littered with papers, pens, paint and whatnot. They are a disaster but there is no emergency. I’ve set a goal that I would date and label my creations each day. I would find something/somewhere to hold them in one place. Baby steps as one might say. I really hate that term because I am no longer a baby.

Well, there you have it. Another day, another post. No Pulitzer Prize here. Just some words. They still count.

GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM – Moving on with living

Sunday, March 27. The month is coming to an end. April is knocking on the backdoor. Spring seems so slow and yet we’ve had some early warm temperatures. I was sorry to see the snow disappeared so fast. Our cross country ski came to an abrupt end last weekend. I miss it – the challenge of staying upright and moving on 2 strips of wood. I feel like I’m getting dull, lethargic and gaining weight already without my ‘extreme’ sport.

It might seem strange that I am so am enamoured with it since I am not at all athletic. I think it is because I like the challenge of mastering a physical skill that I have no aptitude for. There’s lots of/endless room for improvement. AND it can be a solo pursuit. I don’t need a group of people though that can be beneficial for pointers and support. Swimming is another similar activity. I am not a good or fast swimmer but I’ve come a long way since the ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED days. My plan was to get back to swimming but alas, the pool I go to is out of commission for at least a couple of months.

They weren’t kidding when they say the best laid plans sometimes go awry. It’s been like that for the last 2 years. Afternoons are not always good for me. I feel low and am apt to weep into my cuppa. Tears don’t always help but they don’t hurt either. Withholding them might. I no longer buy into keeping a stiff upper lip and other noble acts. It goes against my nature. I’m remembering how angry and pissed off I feel being told to ‘rise above it’, don’t take it personally, think about how the other person feels, get over it, let it go. None of that has worked well for me. But time does heal and ease the sting of disappointments and hurts. I do eventually come to the conclusion: What the hell was that all about? What a waste of time fretting over that!

It’s taken me years to get here. I’m a very slow learner as well as a very slow swimmer and skier. I’m not disappointed in myself. I know the Aesop’s tale of the Hare and the Tortoise. Slow and steady will get me there. The steady part is the tricky part. I got waylaid by an article about Kevin Costner. Away I went scrolling. But I’m back. In between I cleaned and descaled the humidifier. It was long overdue. It is another one of very hard tasks to get to for no good reasons. I’ve long given up trying to understand the whys. Now I think of the steps to take to get the task done.

It’s day 3 of being of setting my goal of showing up here daily and getting on with the program. I am better motivated and energized in the morning. I am more focused and can think clearer. Dealing with bills and banking are not fun. I am proud that I did them this morning though I did bemoaned that it took a precious chunk of my good time. Now at the end of the day, I can say, Oh heck with things. The important items are done. I can give in to my mopey self and let it all hang out. I may not be swimming any time soon, but I am heading back to the gym – tomorrow!

PS: This wasn’t a smooth writing. Therefore probably not a smooth reading. My apologies.

WORDS AND PAINT ON THE PAGE

It’s a cool -11℃ but sunny March morning. It’s a good thing we have a small heater in the greenhouse for periods like this. It’s keeping the temperature above 0. Right now it is 5.2℃. The tomatoes and cucumbers are appreciating it. I’m trying to move along, staying focused but already I’ve been sidetracked by a post on FB about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I have no will power at all against the attraction of mindless scrolling. I’ve disentangle myself now that I’ve read the whole article. I have to get serious and write this post.

I am feeling so much better for having returned to my keyboard. Letting my thoughts run helter skelter is not helpful in these times or any time. They’ve made me feel more unsettled and helpless and hard to live with. I am one who needs to talk/write things out in hard copy, on the page. I prefer solo written conversation with just myself. Oh, I know, communication and talk it out, get it out in the open. I’ve seldom found that helpful but I’ve learned a few things from that process.

Most people, myself included, do not listen or hear well. We can’t wait for the person to stop talking so we can tell our story.

We all see and hear differently. Quite often I feel doubly wounded after telling my story. It is strange but the listener always seem to defend and take the other side. I am left feeling unheard and unseen.

I see those 2 things in myself, too. Now I try harder to just listen carefully first before talking. I try not to offer solutions because I don’t think that’s what is wanted or needed. A person wants and needs to be heard. When the person I’m talking to takes or tries to present the other side, I feel not only unheard but judged also. That is the why of my writing space here. It’s my sounding board of working things out. I hear me. I see me. I try not to judge me.

I’m almost at the end of this post. Feeling pride of accomplishment and of setting goals. When I break things down into do-ables, I do not feel so overwhelmed. The lunch is souping in the Instant Pot. My drawing/watercolour for #the100daychallenge is almost done. Doing one thing a day whether it be a drawing/painting, a blog post, a quilt square…works well for me. I feel soothed and smoothed typing on the keyboard, holding my pencil and paint brush. Working on a post or a painting is working on my life. Work brings everything to life.

BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT

It’s harder to stare at a blank screen than a blank canvas. With a painting, one can always throw some paint onto the paper or canvas. If it does not look at anything, you can call it abstract. But how do you do an abstract post? Maybe I can just mumble away and hope for the best. I’ve been absent from the keyboard too long. Words and thoughts are hard to come by. I can blame it on Convid and the restrictions restricting me from having experiences. Therefore I have nothing to write about. While I’m at it I like to blame Justin Trudeau, the CBC and the Star Phoenix, too. I hate to take responsibility for my own actions of doing or non-doing.

The Ultimate Blog Challenge is coming up in a week. I have to write a post a day for the month. I better smarten up and get with the program. Tax Return is also due in a month. I haven’t opened all my mail for my T4s or 5s or what-have-you. I keep saying I will do it tomorrow. Of course tomorrow never comes. I don’t know why it feels so hard to get going. I wonder if that’s what spring fever is. Sometimes I do feel all afrenzied but I can’t do anything. Why does it always happen to me. Poor me!

The only thing I can do is have another cuppa and snack. You know what will happen eventually. I will get big as a house. I will throw up my hands and say, How the hell did this happen? I better snap out of this PDQ. I better get a program. I better get a routine. I better make a list every day. All I have to do is show up here every day and write something. It doesn’t have to be cerebral. It doesn’t have to be long. It does have to be engaging though because otherwise what is the point. As for my Tax Return, I can find and open a few pieces of mail a day. There’s still 7 days left in March. It is possible to gather them all together by April. That will leave me 30 days to work on it.

There, I have a plan/program! I will start or I should say I have started. This post is almost written. It is not abstract. I have defined 2 concrete actions. I remember reading something about how to get things done. You have to figure out what you want done. Then you have to outline how you are going to get it done. This post won’t win any awards but I think it’s dang good. It got me unstuck and going.

WILD GEESE

February 13. 6:11pm. It is -8℃ outside, 3.3℃ in the greenhouse. Today’s high in the greenhouse was 14.4℃ at 12:30 pm. The low -3.5℃ at 6:09 am. I think it’s helpful to track the highs and lows now since it is getting close to ?seeding time. I can’t depend on my memory alone any more.

It is almost closing time to the day and I haven’t made any progress in clearing my trouble spots in the house. I had intentions for the last week. When I start, I don’t know where to start. Damn! I look at an area and I’m stuck, struck motionless with a sinking defeated feeling. I’m wondering how the hell I can break loose.

March 3. 10:21 am. It is -18℃ outside and -3.5℃ in the greenhouse. It seems like we are going backwards, getting colder instead of warmer. I’ve been missing in action for almost 3 weeks. How time flies even when you’re not having fun. Life doesn’t have to be perfect. Most of the time it isn’t so what am I talking about? I’m thinking of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese this morning.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Her words give me comfort. I’m reminded of Sheba and her soft animal body close to mine. Everything is as it should be. The sun still rises and will set and rise again the next morning. We are all in this together. I shall feel what I feel and not fret about it. I do not have to try so hard – not to feel sad, not to feel tired, not to…. I shall let the feelings come and splash them onto my watercolour paper, however they land. They are all lessons in this art we call life.