program

BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT

It’s harder to stare at a blank screen than a blank canvas. With a painting, one can always throw some paint onto the paper or canvas. If it does not look at anything, you can call it abstract. But how do you do an abstract post? Maybe I can just mumble away and hope for the best. I’ve been absent from the keyboard too long. Words and thoughts are hard to come by. I can blame it on Convid and the restrictions restricting me from having experiences. Therefore I have nothing to write about. While I’m at it I like to blame Justin Trudeau, the CBC and the Star Phoenix, too. I hate to take responsibility for my own actions of doing or non-doing.

The Ultimate Blog Challenge is coming up in a week. I have to write a post a day for the month. I better smarten up and get with the program. Tax Return is also due in a month. I haven’t opened all my mail for my T4s or 5s or what-have-you. I keep saying I will do it tomorrow. Of course tomorrow never comes. I don’t know why it feels so hard to get going. I wonder if that’s what spring fever is. Sometimes I do feel all afrenzied but I can’t do anything. Why does it always happen to me. Poor me!

The only thing I can do is have another cuppa and snack. You know what will happen eventually. I will get big as a house. I will throw up my hands and say, How the hell did this happen? I better snap out of this PDQ. I better get a program. I better get a routine. I better make a list every day. All I have to do is show up here every day and write something. It doesn’t have to be cerebral. It doesn’t have to be long. It does have to be engaging though because otherwise what is the point. As for my Tax Return, I can find and open a few pieces of mail a day. There’s still 7 days left in March. It is possible to gather them all together by April. That will leave me 30 days to work on it.

There, I have a plan/program! I will start or I should say I have started. This post is almost written. It is not abstract. I have defined 2 concrete actions. I remember reading something about how to get things done. You have to figure out what you want done. Then you have to outline how you are going to get it done. This post won’t win any awards but I think it’s dang good. It got me unstuck and going.

LIKE A DREAM LOST

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.