frustrations

THE WOMAN NEXT DOOR

I’m sleepless again. After wrestling unsuccessfully with the mattress, I decided to give it up. So I’m here, sipping my Orange Pekoe tea, trying to tap myself into ease and sleepiness. It is about the enigma, the woman next door again. I tell myself that there is clearly something wrong with her. Yet she has enough wits about her to run a business out of her house and a talent to irritate the hell out of us.

The frustration comes from not finding a solution/resolution to the problem. It’s difficult to conduct a conversation, never mind to enter into a negotiation with someone who makes her own rules/laws. Who does not allow you a voice at all. Who talks/yells over what you have to say. Who lies. I guess she could be called a bully.

What has she done this time? It’s the same thing – her obsession that she has rights on our property. She doesn’t like how we do our yard.  She planted little spruce trees on our property next to the raised bed that she doesn’t like either. She ‘weeds’ and digs little trenches to ‘drain’ rain runoffs on our property.  Somethings are just too small, petty and too tiring to fight over. So I had been ignoring all this before. Then she doesn’t like that we use woodchip mulch because it is a fire hazard. We mulched  under our cedar trees adjacent to her driveway. Whatever we use, she would push, scrape back when we’re not aware. So we put up some low wire fencing along the trees to prevent her from doing that. We used black (dyed with vegetable oil) wood chip thinking that it’s the colour of dirt and she wouldn’t see. How can anyone object to that since it was on our property and with a fence to keep them from her driveway?

Of course she would see and object. Today I found the posts pulled almost out and the wire netting laying flat on the ground, the mulch pushed back. I took photos. I am not sure as what to do. I could report this to the police as this is clearly vandalism, mischief and destruction of property. But I’ve been dealing with this kind of stuff from her for years. She is ‘something else’ as one could put it. She clearly has a bead on me and knows what gets my goat. She is very clever in this way.

I’ve also been getting smarter about myself, how I let people push my buttons. I don’t like how bodily reactive I am. I don’t like how the blood and thoughts rush to my head and I can’t think anymore. I can only feel – the cortisol coursing through my system and the feeling of helplessness. I’m here taming my thoughts and adrenaline. This is not a bitch session nor a tell-all. I’m trying to find some peace. I’m trying to find some love and compassion for the woman next door. It must be terrible for her to be so obsessed about me, my yard and whatever. Don’t we all need love and compassion?

I want to end on a positive note with a video of Daniel Champagne. We saw him perform live at the Bassment the other evening. He’s travelling across Canada. If he comes to your town/city, do go and see him. His guitar picking and music are out of this world. I came away from it with total body relaxation. I suffer anxiety and high blood pressure. It’s hard to explain but I suffer a hundred deaths of fright getting my blood pressure check. It’s difficult to feel confident about how well controlled it is. I’m always high at the doctor’s (white coat syndrome). The last visit a couple of weeks ago, I registered a reading of 180/90. Eeeek! I’ve come down since then, desensitizing myself each day by taking it regularly. My reading after coming home from the concert was 108/79. Music is good therapy. I have to listen and attend live concerts more often. Forward, ho!

 

20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES

It’s 9:12 am. I’m doing well in some areas of my new life. I’ve done my reading for 20 minutes, 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation and almost 20 minutes of my Jesus stitches. I feel somewhat psychologically nauseous, not at all at one with the world. I do believe with a change in anything, I will feel worse before I will begin to feel better and that this is worth the effort. I know that in my head if not in my heart.

But hey, here I am, tapping out my testimony. I will feel what I feel, think what I think. I will try not to pass judgement on any of this. My hands feel weak, limp at the wrist. The Jesus stitches were more difficult this morning. I had to count rows, change threads, use my magnifying glass to see where in the pattern I’m at. It’s complicated. I hate complications. I hate the counting and recounting. I would like to coast and not to change threads and have all the stitches the same. But it would make for a bland, no picture, wouldn’t it? So I suck it up and breathe into and out of my frustrations. Another little section accompli. Now I have to go for my cuppa.

It is 12:16 pm. I’ve spent some time sewing on my tablecloth. Had another mishap with finger in the way of the needle. Not being mindful again but at least the needle did not break. I might have to wear a thimble on that finger. Lunch is finished but the dishes not yet dealt with. I’ve made my appointment at the hearing center at Costco to get my hearing checked and a consultation about hearing aids. Hearing loss, no matter how small, affects brain function. Not doing anything about it is laziness and procrastination on my part. It is another positive step for me.

The MUSTS are done for the day. I can coast relax a little for the rest of the day. It is advisable not to tax myself with too long a list. It would be good if I can do the dishes and a few other household chores. Then I need to schedule a happy hour or just 20 minutes.

A CUP OF SELF-LOVE

November 27, 2018  8:51 am

Mornings soothes or rubs. This morning it is the latter. It is wise advice not to go to bed irritated. It is easier said than done though. I’m trying to soothe myself with another cup of tea. I’m trying to erase my self irritation by leaving them on the page. I hate getting caught unawares by some unseen and unknown cyber troll. I’m trying not to dwell on the reasons why people do things like that – for monetary gains or the pleasure of disturbing my sleep.

Beware of strange emails. The senders of such understand human nature very well – our innate curiosity, the need to understand and frustration of not understanding and the inability of opening an attachment. Well, it was late in the evening. I did a million clicks on it. I hope I did no harm to my computer. I have an Apple after all. That is my small comfort. I have confirmed that the email was spam and not from Fedex. My package will not be sent back to the shipper.

I think I need a cup of coffee now and to do another embroidery on my Bernina. It’s better than gnashing my teeth. But I better do some qigong to rid some bad thoughts and energy.

November 28, 2018  1:35pm

It is snowing gently. It is a soothing kind of afternoon. I’m glad. Yesterday rubbed me all day long. I’m ready for some flow and relaxation. I’m happy to sit here with my decaf and mumble on my keyboard. My body is feeling the fatigue of a good workout at our step aerobics class this morning. It’s good for keeping my stress and cortisol levels low. It helps for a good night’s sleep. It’s healthy self-love.

What do you do for self-love? I have to keep reminding myself what is good and what is harmful. I’m listening better now. I’m resisting the urges of the instant gratification of blowing steam, choice words and actions. Much better to count to 10 to myself and wait a second or two. I’m surprised at how fast I CAN turn around, feel and do different and better.

It is almost 2 pm. I have a bit of time to set up another embroidery motif for my table cloth. I am getting intimate with my Bernina. We’re past the coffee stage at last. Well, it will be a year since I bought it home.

GRATITUDE AND BUCKETS

I was clearly ranting yesterday. I was not raining on anyone’s parade except my own. I like to say I’m uncranked but not yet. It lingers yet. I could be coming or is down with something. Maybe it IS who I am. I don’t have to act it out. I can just grumble (quietly and politely) here. It’s a nice sunny day and it is Thanksgiving Sunday. I am full of gratitude for my life and what I have – a roof over my head and food on the table. I am also thankful that someone else is cooking the turkey. I am providing the salad. It is a contribution albeit a small one.

Although I am grateful, I am not a fan of gratitude or bucket lists. I hope no one feels offended and throws rotten tomatoes at me. It is just my own feelings. I am sure not many approve of my daily rantings and mumblings of thoughts publicly here either. But it is my space and it works for me. It’s a stress relieving, problem solving platform for me. Being not private, it helps to keep me more thoughtful and objective. I’m apt to be more mannerly and kind. It helps me see from the other side. It keeps me from laying blame.

My crank is a little more relaxed with the tapping of the keyboard. The rhythm eases the tension in my head. Today I’m remembering to use Anne Lamott’s one inch picture frame advice for writing. It’s very good and works for everything. I work in that one inch frame at a time. That way there’s less frustration and crankiness. Can you imagine how frustrating it is when you keep making the same mistakes more than once? I redid the gent’s hair but got carried away. Too many lines again! His head got puckered. I took some out. Then I had to leave it for now. Grrr!

Working in one inch squares saves me from those grr! moments. I can get quite a bit done in those short little spurts. They add up like drops in a bucket. Gee whiz! I am a bucket person after all. I also write in one inch squares. There’s no point in being stuck in no thoughts or angry, frustrated ones. Changing venues and scenery diverts sticky thoughts and feelings.

LIKE A DREAM LOST

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.

SWEATED MY TEARS

I wish I have better opening sentences but for today, this is good enough. I am not any more calm, cool or collected. I still have that ache behind my eyes. It’s probably what is call a tension headache. Things are better. I am suffering from post problem solving. It’s frustrating when you are doing your part and the other party stalls you by not returning phone calls or emails. It wears you out. But if you’re lucky to talk to the right party, amazingly you get that phone call or email the very next day. I don’t think I’m paranoid. Some companies know how to mess with your mind.

I’m lucky that I’ve been a nurse. Nurses are tenacious. We have to be. If a patient is suffering or in danger, we call. We don’t give up simply because nobody answers. We call and call. Then there’s that STAT page. And if it’s big trouble there’s that CODE BLUE or 99. Then there’s alot of hustling.

I didn’t have to do a Code Blue yesterday but I did make some noise. I got my email answered this morning. My mouth dropped. I was flooded with relief. No more frustration from this area at least – I hope. Cross my fingers and toes. I was relieved but exhausted by the experience. Strange that I felt teary. I would have liked to cry but I was on my way to my aerobics class. I sweated my tears out instead. It was all good.

The moral of the story is hang in there. It’s a little inane but that’s what you do. Things will and do work out if you follow up to the end.

 

GRRRRR

At this very moment I’m not handling stress very well. But I am here. I’ll try to tap it away. I probably shouldn’t have had my tea. It’s not coffee but it’s still caffeine. When I’m like this, it is difficult to sit and be still. I’ve gotten up and played with my new toy, the Dyson V8 Absolute Stick Vacuum. At least my floor is clean. No dog hair everywhere.

I hate this feeling of aggitation. I’m doing the best I can, trying not to jump out of my skin. I’m staying in the chair, feeling the sensation. I’m focusing on the keyboard, tapping out each letter. Sheba has finally settled down on her cushion. She was also aggitated, twirling around me wherever I went. She was probably feeding off my energy and wanting to go for her walk.

We could probably both use a walk but if we leave, SHE would probably call. That’s the thing. I might as well sit and wait till the guy gets home in half an hour or so. The SHE is the insurance adjuster. I’ve been dealing with my parents’ insurance since end of June, July. You have to make so many phone calls, just to make sure they got the phone call. If they don’t return calls, how do you know anything? Then they say they will email you. But you have to email them after 2 months before you get anything. They want you to have a pleasant experience with them. They give you the steps. Then you get automated emails saying they are not in the office and they will answer emails in the order they came – again and again. GRRRR?

I think I’ve tapped out most of my aggravation. I’m feeling my bodily sensations. I have an ache behind my eyes. My jaw is not clenched nor my shoulders bunched up. I’m sitting erect. My feet are crossed though. I’ve found assistance through the insurance broker. He phoned her. She was not taking calls. He did assure me I have 2 years to work on this thing. And they’re there if I need more help. Whew! Maybe that’s why I’m not clenching anything. What I need is time to settle down and chill.

How do you handle stress? And how do you chill?

 

NO SAIL TODAY

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The sweat is running down my face.  I’m sitting on deck stairs, catching the gentle afternoon breeze.  I can hear Sheba panting on the deck.  I lean against the side railing, closing my eyes.  I can hear the whoosh of the traffic, the drone of  a lawn mower.

The bread is done.  The loaves are cooling on the rack.  Sheba’s life jacket and her mats are washed in soap and water, rinsed and drying in the sun.  Amazing how much her things can stink up the car.  Amazing what a little soap and water can do.

We went out to Elbow Sunday for our first sail of the year.  The mast went up and we got the boat in the water.  But that was as far as we got.  For one reason or another, the sail wouldn’t go up.  So we gave up on thoughts of sailing that day.  We ate our lunch on the beach.  Sheba sat in the wet sand, dressed in her life jacket and nowhere to sail.

After lunch we got help and took the mast down, loaded the boat and got it out of the water.  After an hour or so of packing and loading up, we headed home.  And after another hour or so we got home.  You might say we had a day of nothing or just frustrations.  But I just said:  That’s life.

I’m sitting in the kitchen now, tap, tapping away, keeping my heebe jeebies at bay.  Sweat is dripping down the sides of my face.  I wonder if other people get them.  I suppose everyone has their own demons or else they are lying.

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The AC is now on.  Its coolness is soothing.  The sweat recedes along with the ghosts.  I sigh one big sigh, feeling stronger, dreaming sweet dreams of sailing.