being in the moment

SITTING IN THE EVENING OF THE DAY

Sitting still with myself is a tough task. I am not comfortable with myself. Are you, with yourself? It’s like facing a panel of judges, answering questions, facing up to truths. Yes, let me out of here! I squirm and wiggle. Finally I sit. Okay, I’m ready. I can be still. I can face reality. Let me have the cold facts.

How silly I am. I know the truths already. They’re unspoken, unacknowledged, just beneath the skin. Not saying them outloud does not diminished their roar, their need to be heard and tended to. Why are we am I so afraid of truths? Now my mask is off. I am not so afraid anymore. Just a bit. Being afraid brought more suffering along that of fear. I don’t want that. Get out. Stop it.

A moment of victory, conquering fear and anxiety. I just have to string the moments together to have an hour, a day, a week to a life of living bravely in the moment.

Sitting with myself is harder than I thought. I had to leave for a few days in the heat. The seat was hotter than I can tolerant. It’s cooler today and so am I. I am exhausted by it all. I am fresher in the morning. There’s things to do. No time for sitting or contemplation. By late afternoon I am on the downward spiral. I struggle to feel bubbly. I struggle for energy to do my art challenges. I know from experience that if I start, the struggle is resolved. That’s what I do. I stand up. I move. I do.

It is after 9 pm. I’ve made and ate supper. The dishes are done. The garbage out. I’ve thinned the carrots and filled one raised bed with water on the way back from taking the garbage out. That’s how I get things done when doing is difficult. It is one little thing followed by one little thing. It’s moving one foot in front of the other.

If I sound a little melancholy, it is because I am. It is the evening of the day. I sit and tap out my words and feelings. I am not sure if they are true. What I know for sure is life is miraclous and unpredictable. It always has been but I’m truly recognizing it now. I’m learning not to question the whys and wherefores, the ones without answers. I am a little more comfortable with myself now. I am appreciating the peace and the silence my tapping has bought me. It is time to say goodnight.

 

GRRRRR

At this very moment I’m not handling stress very well. But I am here. I’ll try to tap it away. I probably shouldn’t have had my tea. It’s not coffee but it’s still caffeine. When I’m like this, it is difficult to sit and be still. I’ve gotten up and played with my new toy, the Dyson V8 Absolute Stick Vacuum. At least my floor is clean. No dog hair everywhere.

I hate this feeling of aggitation. I’m doing the best I can, trying not to jump out of my skin. I’m staying in the chair, feeling the sensation. I’m focusing on the keyboard, tapping out each letter. Sheba has finally settled down on her cushion. She was also aggitated, twirling around me wherever I went. She was probably feeding off my energy and wanting to go for her walk.

We could probably both use a walk but if we leave, SHE would probably call. That’s the thing. I might as well sit and wait till the guy gets home in half an hour or so. The SHE is the insurance adjuster. I’ve been dealing with my parents’ insurance since end of June, July. You have to make so many phone calls, just to make sure they got the phone call. If they don’t return calls, how do you know anything? Then they say they will email you. But you have to email them after 2 months before you get anything. They want you to have a pleasant experience with them. They give you the steps. Then you get automated emails saying they are not in the office and they will answer emails in the order they came – again and again. GRRRR?

I think I’ve tapped out most of my aggravation. I’m feeling my bodily sensations. I have an ache behind my eyes. My jaw is not clenched nor my shoulders bunched up. I’m sitting erect. My feet are crossed though. I’ve found assistance through the insurance broker. He phoned her. She was not taking calls. He did assure me I have 2 years to work on this thing. And they’re there if I need more help. Whew! Maybe that’s why I’m not clenching anything. What I need is time to settle down and chill.

How do you handle stress? And how do you chill?