All Talked Out

Another hot day gearing up. I thought I would get an early start and tackle work outside. I hooked up the hose to our rain catchment behind the garage to fill the pails for the greenhouse. I waited and waited. No water came forth. I turned off the tap, disconnected the hose and turned on the tap. Not one drop of water! My ugly neighbour immediately came to mind. We saw her messing around the area when we drove out of the garage a few days ago. She has raspberry bushes right beside the rain catchment. It would be an easy thing for her to turn on the tap and drain it. She has dumped our rain water into the back alley before when we used a big tub.

We thought there was nothing for her to complain about with an enclosed unit. No breeding ground for mosquitoes. Nothing ugly to bring down the property tax on our block. I know, of course, that these are not her true objections. What I know for sure is that her objection is me. She takes pleasure in causing me grieve. In the past, I have blown my top and lost my mind many, many times. The only thing I’ve accomplished with that is compromising my physical and mental health.

Now, I don’t turn a blind eye. I see her and I know her. I know I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to talk to her, have ignored her and have reported her to the liason person within the police department. She’s not a person that I have an ability to talk, explain and reason with. The police had a problem talking with her also. She talks over me and them. She reminds me very much like a Donald Trump. Quite often when I used to talk about her in the past, people probably thought I was the problem. You should talk with her was an often given advice.

The good thing is she is not malignant. She does petty vandalism. I think she is also a bit of a coward. She hides in her house after she causes some mischief. My best weapon is not to give her any attention. She is really not worth it. I truly cannot love my neighbours. I have one on each side of me and one across the street. All women. But I do not hate them. I have compassion for these souls. But I am not their keeper.

Am I Having Fun Yet?

Though my goal this month is to have more fun/pleasure, I can’t say I am having fun yet. I’m on the cusp of a third cold. They seem to come one right after the other. The first one was not too bad, lasting only 4 days. The last one was a whopper, lasting 3 weeks. I thought I was going to die. I’ve only fully recovered 2 weeks ago. I’ve been careful to stay out of harm’s way. But…At least I am not feeling bad -yet. I hope it will pass like the first one.

I’m not really pissed off but I am not full of laughter either. I felt like crying reading the 2 Heathers (Heather Delaney Reese and Heather Cox Richardson) this morning on the politics of Donald Trump and his merry crew. Why are they/we so full of hate? Why are we destroying each other and our planet? What happened to ‘people needing people‘? How did it get to people killing people? Ok, enough of that! Though it doesn’t help to stay in the dark valley, it is important for me to be aware of the people who can’t get out. I owe them my compassion.

I’m not all gloom and doom. I do have a spark of positivity within me. I don’t sit helpless in negativity. I’m just not the loud and gregarious type. This morning I found joy watching Peggy and Molly.

And have you heard of Max Alexander, the youngest ever fashion designer? He is a joy to watch. He’s inspiring me to be playful and try new ways of sewing.

It is April 2. I had to get transplanting with some of my seedlings. A few minutes of green TLC.

Falling Off the Wagon Sunday

I can make intentions and write down so many goals. It’s hard to make them stick though. It’s so easy to fall off the wagon that I don’t even have to try. I can always blame it on gravity. It’s not my fault and I would be right. This is according to Professor Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassionate focused therapy. I love his teachings.

So I am going to practice compassion towards myself. I will keep trying, knowing that I will fall off the wagon again and again.

To My Younger Self

I’m a week into the April Ultimate Blog Challenge. So far, so good but I’m hitting that sticking spot of what to write next. I’m also into April Love 2025 photo challenge on FB and Instagram. Yesterday’s word prompt, bucket list worked in getting me started. So I’ll see if the prompt, to my younger self works today as well.

It’s not easy to address myself. If I was to have a conversation with my younger self, I would tell her not to be so serious all the time. I would tell her that she is a child and this is her time to play, make mistakes and learn. I would tell her she’s not all that powerful, that not everything is her fault. She is not responsible for the world, everybody and everything in it.

It’s not easy to offer love and compassion to oneself. It’s even harder to forgive. I hold myself to a higher measuring stick than others. But if I could, I would tell my younger self I love her and am proud of all her efforts. I would tell her to take things as they come. Make it simple. Make it easy. It will all turn out.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

I am feeling so much better now that I’ve opt out of the thread loop in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am no longer obliged to read the 2 posts above mine. It frees up not only time but my sense of obligation which is very weighty. I like rules. I think they promote order. I think I am taking them and the UBC too seriously. It is also time for me to take a break from the challenging element of showing up every day. I am remembering a Wayne Dyer quote: When change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I wrote about working/writing smarter the other day. One of my faults is not knowing when to quit. I do know that now. I am walking my talk. Being committed to too many things is stressful. It does not lead to productivity nor sense of restfulness or peace. My mind was always engaged, having no time to rest. There was no time to organize my surroundings and to declutter. I yearned for time to read a story book like I used to. When I found some time, my mind was too distracted and frazzled to concentrate on the words.

I made the decision to opt out of parts of UBC just two days ago. I am surprised at how restful my brain is feeling already. I had time yesterday to watch Professor Paul Gilbert’s video on compassion and how it can help us lead happier lives. It is an hour and 17 minutes long but well worth it. It explains the tricky brains we’re born with. It is faulty by design but it is not our fault. But if we learn and understand how it works, it will help us live better lives. Learning is and always has been my passion. There’s always things to learn and opportunities to improve from where we are now. Every day is another first day of the rest of our lives.

IN THE DESERT AGAIN

I’m not God and I don’t have the whole wide world in my hands. I’m not and I don’t but I wouldn’t mind if I am and I do. It’s wishful thinking but what if wishes do come true? I’m feeling helpless and useless at the moment. I’m at the wall with nowhere to move. I can only take a deep breath and heave a heavy sigh for relief. This is real life.

So I am here, to lay some of my anguish on the page, the anguish of acceptance. I am not God. I do not have control of everything. I suppose this is the first part of the meditation practice called R.A.I.N. It stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture.

Recognize what is happening;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.

I’ve learned the first step of recognizing what is happening. But allowing the experience to be there, just as it is, is not so easy. I want to fix it with the first inkling of discomfort it brings. I can see myself getting into my Supergirl/Wonder Woman suit, all hyped up to the rescue and change the situation. There’s an urgency in me. I feel there’s no time to investigate with interest and care. I tend to berate myself rather than nuture.  I recognize what is happening in me. I want to change.

I am here, tapping out what I recognize and know. It’s been exhausting hosting all the thoughts and emotions inside my body. They’ve been in the wash cycle too many days , agitating and agitating. Now it’s time for the rinse to kick in and the dirt to drain out. I will hang on to the good stuff. I’m not God but I wouldn’t mind if he gives me a hand, light my path and point the way. It’s difficult navigating in the dark.

I haven’t been out in the desert for awhile now. I have missed my time there. I miss the emptiness, the silence and the arid air. I miss the seemingly endless time and the peace to heal body and soul. Most of all, I miss the conversations with God. His presence was all around me there. My heart was opened to accept and receive. Somehow every day life happend and it closed up shop. I have been sleeping on the job. I’m awake now and in the desert. I hope he will show me some wisdom and compassion.

THE WOMAN NEXT DOOR

I’m sleepless again. After wrestling unsuccessfully with the mattress, I decided to give it up. So I’m here, sipping my Orange Pekoe tea, trying to tap myself into ease and sleepiness. It is about the enigma, the woman next door again. I tell myself that there is clearly something wrong with her. Yet she has enough wits about her to run a business out of her house and a talent to irritate the hell out of us.

The frustration comes from not finding a solution/resolution to the problem. It’s difficult to conduct a conversation, never mind to enter into a negotiation with someone who makes her own rules/laws. Who does not allow you a voice at all. Who talks/yells over what you have to say. Who lies. I guess she could be called a bully.

What has she done this time? It’s the same thing – her obsession that she has rights on our property. She doesn’t like how we do our yard.  She planted little spruce trees on our property next to the raised bed that she doesn’t like either. She ‘weeds’ and digs little trenches to ‘drain’ rain runoffs on our property.  Somethings are just too small, petty and too tiring to fight over. So I had been ignoring all this before. Then she doesn’t like that we use woodchip mulch because it is a fire hazard. We mulched  under our cedar trees adjacent to her driveway. Whatever we use, she would push, scrape back when we’re not aware. So we put up some low wire fencing along the trees to prevent her from doing that. We used black (dyed with vegetable oil) wood chip thinking that it’s the colour of dirt and she wouldn’t see. How can anyone object to that since it was on our property and with a fence to keep them from her driveway?

Of course she would see and object. Today I found the posts pulled almost out and the wire netting laying flat on the ground, the mulch pushed back. I took photos. I am not sure as what to do. I could report this to the police as this is clearly vandalism, mischief and destruction of property. But I’ve been dealing with this kind of stuff from her for years. She is ‘something else’ as one could put it. She clearly has a bead on me and knows what gets my goat. She is very clever in this way.

I’ve also been getting smarter about myself, how I let people push my buttons. I don’t like how bodily reactive I am. I don’t like how the blood and thoughts rush to my head and I can’t think anymore. I can only feel – the cortisol coursing through my system and the feeling of helplessness. I’m here taming my thoughts and adrenaline. This is not a bitch session nor a tell-all. I’m trying to find some peace. I’m trying to find some love and compassion for the woman next door. It must be terrible for her to be so obsessed about me, my yard and whatever. Don’t we all need love and compassion?

I want to end on a positive note with a video of Daniel Champagne. We saw him perform live at the Bassment the other evening. He’s travelling across Canada. If he comes to your town/city, do go and see him. His guitar picking and music are out of this world. I came away from it with total body relaxation. I suffer anxiety and high blood pressure. It’s hard to explain but I suffer a hundred deaths of fright getting my blood pressure check. It’s difficult to feel confident about how well controlled it is. I’m always high at the doctor’s (white coat syndrome). The last visit a couple of weeks ago, I registered a reading of 180/90. Eeeek! I’ve come down since then, desensitizing myself each day by taking it regularly. My reading after coming home from the concert was 108/79. Music is good therapy. I have to listen and attend live concerts more often. Forward, ho!

 

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE – Day 15 in a year of….

Day 15, August 6, 2016 @2:39

Afternoons are not any easier to show up here.  The air is warm.  What I really want is to lay down and have a nap.  Maybe a cup of tea will help.  That is my answer for everything – a cup of tea.

IMG_6973How quickly one’s brain get clouded.  That small window of clarity is there for me in the morning when most of the world is still asleep.  I can see that message on the wall before the world rushes in.  I sit in the silence and the unspoken wisdom.  Then I sit in the words of those who have trained and taught the wisdom – Melli O’Brien and Elisha Goldstein.  

IMG_6979What I know for sure is that it is never a good or right time for anything.  You have to make time for what your heart desires.  It is and it isn’t all about me.  It is about me in that it is I, who has the choice.  It is I who must do the work.  I am responsible.  It isn’t all about me.  The world is a big place.  There are many me, me, me out there.  We are all different but we are all the same.  We are all part of humanity.  We all suffer.  We all bleed.  If I can open my eyes and heart a little more each day, I can let more of the world in.  I can suffer less.  I can love more.  I can, can’t I?  What about you?  Can you let me in just a little more?

Till tomorrow again.

BE MY VALENTINE

IMG_4300Happy Valentines Day!  There’s nothing like the feeling of falling head over heels in love the very first time – with myself.  It comes quietly in the early morning darkness over my cup of tea.  It is my favourite time of day in this month of the heart.  I sit with my tea, Sharon Salzberg and all my sisters on Instagram, feeling the love and connection. What better day to practice compassion and nourishment than on this day and month of the heart.  It all starts with the self.

The title of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic pops into my head.  Why am I always looking out to others for answers?  I breathed and looked within.  Why can’t I be my own magic?  I went further within to where I had been, feeling and experiencing it all.  It’s as if my whole life flashed before my eyes.  I was/am always going out of myself, being there for everyone, assuming all faults and responsibility. I saw my want to fix everything for everyone, wanting to take on the suffering even if it’s not my own.  I was never home for myself.

IMG_4302My Big Magic came this morning slowly and quietly with the breath and sip of tea.  It is in the knowing and accepting that I am not perfect nor all that powerful. Not everything is my fault.  I can’t fix everything.  I don’t need to fix myself.  I just have to be my own valentine.

 

THE TEST

IMG_0197

Dear God:

I have just decided to travel the high road yesterday.  Why do you have to test me so soon? Your daughter is tired, her feet sore and blistered.  The road is long and rough.  She can find no comfort for her weary feet and soul.  Even Comfort’s Cab did not show up by her house this morning as it usually does.

Heavenly Father, grant me your grace.  Carry me for awhile.  Let me rest in the comfort of your arms.  Let me gather up my strength and resolve again.  Let me feel the goodness of Ollie in heaven above.  Let me feel the compassion for myself as you taught me to feel for others.  In you I do trust and find comfort.

Your humble human