Day 51, September 11, 2016 @2:14 pm
September 11th! I’m happy that there’s not a lot of stuff out there reminding us of THAT day fifteen years ago. As if we need reminders. I don’t. I remember it very well. I remember the morning news. It was surreal. It was the morning of my mother’s ct scan to confirm her diagnosis of aortic aneurysm. The morning already felt chaotic and disastrous. The diagnosis was confirmed.
It has been fifteen years. We’ve learned to move on with it. Life has been good with some bad moments sprinkled in between. Life is like that, you know. It adds interest. It is never good to dwell on stuff without doing anything about it. Life is never stagnant. It is a moving, changing force. You have to move with it. You have to be engaged in it.
I am learning about engagement with my exercises in doing different. Shifting, twigging, making little changes is changing something inside me. I see a little different. I hear a little different. I feel a little ‘different’ by changing the habit of sitting in a different chair for reading. I feel the discomfort of my body, its yearning for the usual love seat even though the Lazy Boy is more comfortable with movable positions. The brain is a funny thing. It likes the same old, same old. I have to change its grooves.
A year feels like a long time. But I’ve 50 days down. 50 days of paying attention. 50 days of writing and posting. It’s almost a habit now. It’s easier with each completed post. I like old comforts but I also like challenges. I can be bored with too much same olds. I can get dull and morose with boredom. From experience, I know I can get over the discomfort of the ‘new’. I know that soon they will become familiar. Then I will move on to the next new.
What is your new? Till tomorrow.
Day 49 and 50, August 10, 2016 @7:40 pm
It’s that witching hour again where I have to come up with a few words for two days. Egad! It’s tough enough to come up with a few pearls of wisdoms period. Well, let me wave my broom and see what I can come up with.
Yesterday’s idea was to have more fun. Sheba totally agrees. She’s squeaking her purple ball right at my side. You have to be careful for what you ask for. You might get it and then you are sorry. Yup, she is barking. Let’s play! Play can be hard work. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it. I need to play more so that it is not so foreign. That’s what takes up energy – the unease, the not at home with play.
Today I am still rolling with the idea of play, of not working at goals, at anything. I couldn’t work at anything if I try anyways. I am too tired – from exercising and having fun yesterday. It was good just to be a spectator of the day at Saskatoon’s Highland Games. I would have enjoyed it more if it wasn’t such a cool day. Still it was good to brave the outdoors and something new. I came away inspired by the men who loved their sport. What they taught me was that we could do spectacular things if we love what we do. I am happy that I am an inspiration seeker. I was not seeking today. It came to me on the music of bagpipes.
Day 48, September 8, 2016 @8:00 pm
I’m late coming here. I feel a sense of avoidance – dread. Have you suffered from anxiety? Do you have phobias? I have – most of my adult life. I’ve only realized recently the names for these feelings of reluctance and unspeakable dread. Unspeakable till now, I suppose. Perhaps they,like the vampires, need to be exposed to the light of day to be vanquished. So here I am, in my year of doing different, speaking of the dark closets in my mind.
Where to begin is difficult. My feelings are so pervasive. They are hard to articulate. I have lived a long time waiting for the shoe to drop. Then I let the shoe drop. Nothing happened. Nothing shattered. Humpty-Dumpty did not fall-then. I was surprised. I got over sure. I got cocky. I thought I was cured.
Then I fell. I did not shatter. I only shook and shook. I thought it would never end. I could not let my guard down. I kept looking over my shoulders till I got exhausted and gave that up.
Now, I am almost calm and stillI. I can slowly open one can of worms at a time. I still shake and tremble. I let them come. I feel them but I am still here. I can be afraid again and not be scared of it.
What are you scared of? Till tomorrow.
Day 47, September 7, 2016 @6:49
Voices in the head are quite intrusive. Mine are. They tell me this is hard, that is difficult. They tell me after that I should have, could have. They make me feel lazy, tired and worse of all – guilty. They rob me of energy, time and well-being. Autumn is a vulnerable season for me with its shortened daylight and especially on cloudy days. I pay special care. Iquestion those voices in my head. I ask: Is that true?
The question gives me time for a pause and do a turn around. I tell those voices to be quiet. I tell myself I can do better. I can do that thing that they tell me is hard. I start. I move towards my goal. Once I start, I’m surprised to find that it wasn’t so hard afterall. If an unpleasant mood rises, I ask myself why and is it true. Can I feel another way? It’s that second of asking. It gives me time to change. Sometimes it doesn’t work. It’s not the end of the world. I feel what I feel. What isn’t done isn’t done. If I feel guilty about it, I feel guilty. I feel it until it goes away.
How was my day? I felt tired. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do what needed to be done. It gnawed at me. I went out anyways and did what I had to do. It felt good. While I was out, I ran into someone who made me realized how good living is and how much I have to be grateful for. If I hadn’t gone out, I would have missed that opportunity. I would have been sorry. Instead, I’m inspired again.
How was your day? Till tomorrow.
Day 46, September 6, 2016 @10:49
Days like today are dangerous for falling into moping and feeling sorry for myself. They are dangerous for wasting time and feeling justified in it. Oh, I deserve to have a rest and let everything go. Meanwhile, underneath it all, things gnaw at me. I do want to … I wonder as to what is stopping me. I do have a choice. So I work a little harder in trying to understand myself. I wonder if I have to understand. I think about just doing. After all, all I have to do is move a body part, then another one.
I’m an inspiration seeker – wherever I can find it. This morning it is from the poet/writer, David Whyte. He writes of joy as “is a meeting place, of deep intentionality and self forgetting”. It is a little ping, ping moment for me. I get them often but have mostly laugh them off. I discard them, not honouring my ability for sensing these gifted pings from the Universe. But now, I am trusting myself and valuing my senses. I am listening. I am setting intentions to create an environment for joy to come. Not all days are equal. Some days it is harder to carry out the intentions.
What/how am I going about today? Now that I have changed my mood and mindset a little, I can see the forest through the trees. I can think about what’s for dinner, changing the sheets on the bed and bringing out the fall duvet. It’s none too warm in the morning, though I can see a teenage girl wearing shorts on this first day going to school. I can clean the deck and bring in my plants . I have been thinking about that every day but haven’t. There’s tomatoes, hot peppers, squashes, beans and grapes to be harvested. There’s rhubarb to pick and a crisp to make. Then there’s art to do. Oh, a little bird just came to the window. I felt my heart lighting up. Is that joy? I will tell you tomorrow.
Day 45, September 5, 2016 @ 1:51 pm
The two hardest thing for me in life is getting things started and putting things away. But look at me. I’m here early! But before you give a hooray, let me tell you. I’m here because I’m putting off the dishes and cleaning up after lunch. I’m having a spot of tea. I would really like to just sit and sip my tea – and doze. But I’m re-training/re-inventing myself. This is my year long/life project. The reasons why:
- I felt dissatisfied with myself and the status quo
- Life was affecting my health
- I read a book called I Dare Me – about doing something different every day
- I want to see if by doing something different daily would affect the way I see, feel and handle life
- I had finished my 100 day project of doing art. The project was very helpful and I wanted to do another project.
How I started:
Since I was dissatisfied with myself, I started by enhancing my physical appearance. Since retirement, I have given up makeup totally. I have not bothered with jewellry for a long time. I stayed in my lounge clothes or wore sweats. So I started by brushing and styling my hair soon as I got up, applied my makeup, draw in my eyebrows and chose a pair of earrings. I had forgotten how many pairs I had! I started doing selfies on my iPhone. There’s a knack and practice does make for better. I asked friends on InstaGram for tips. After awhile, I stopped grimacing when I look at my selfies. I started to have FUN!
Things have evolved. One day, two days. Now I am on day 45. I do not have a plan on what ‘different’ is. Things just came up as the day comes. They are not necessarily big things. After all, isn’t there a saying that goes, Little things mean a lot? Sometimes the ‘different’ is changing how I feel – even if it’s for a moment.
Results for me?
Having a project have given me a rhythm to my day. Life is a worthwhile project. Changes come slowly but I have felt them. It has given me a sense of empowerment – I can change. I am the captain of my ship. I can steer it towards my own destiny.
My dishes and Sheba are calling me. Where is your ship heading? Till tomorrow.
Day 41 – September 1, 2017 @5:45
Oh, it’s that mellow time of day when the beer comes out. It’s too warm to light a fire. I’m feeling pretty mellow but I can still tap, tap on my phone. I can still follow directions and knit.
I’m into the more completed part of the sweater now. I’m taking care to jot down on my Notes what row I’m on, how many stitches I’ve increased, etc. When you read and follow directions, miracles happen. You can find Nirvana. In the past I’ve relied on by guess, gosh, maybe it will work and maybe I will find the place. I’ve given that up – mostly. Sometimes I slip. That happens.
What direction are you taking? Are you looking for Nirvana? Tell me tomorrow.
Day 40, August 31, 2016 @8:36 pm
Sometimes I feel I’ve been in denial and fear most of my life. This is my brave moment – the awaking and seeing clearly and acknowledging. It is a great moment. At last, maybe I can let go of the frivolous, little petty things and be free to live the authentic life. That’s what I’m thinking, sitting before the fire, listening to the flames crackle, telling their stories to me.
What stories are you telling on this beautiful evening. I know. My stories are getting shorter. Maybe tomorrow I will have more to say.
Day 39, August 30, 2016 @8:05pm
Some days it is hard to find time to be here and document my year of doing different. I’m making that time because I see the value of it as my days are evolving.
I have been neglecting both my qui gong and yoga practice. I’ve been feeling a little off kilter the last few days. I’m feeling some of the old anxiety creeping in. I decided to restart those ancient movements again to restore my balance. It’s always a curiosity to me how the gentle movements can do so much. But I did remind myself that it will take more than one session before I can feel the results. I did not get unbalanced overnight. I will not recover overnight. Life takes time. What are you taking time for?
Day 38, August 29, 2016 @6:39 pm
The day finds me struggling a little with the changing season. The shift of the earth on its axis, changing the temperature, sunlight, the wind, the everything. Sometimes I forget that change is all around us, every minute, every second of every day.
I am just learning to embrace all these changes. Without them there is no life. I rejoice in the bounty autumn has brought. I am reaping the harvest from the seeding and planting of the previous seasons. I have much to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?