Tag Archives: habits

May Day and Hope

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April is gone. Today is May 3. I meant to show up 2 days ago but I never made it. Some days are easier than others. Today is not one of those. The sky is cloudy. I’m heavy with it. I’m saggy and draggy but I’ve started the day. I still start it reading the two Heathers. I’m also reading Nobody’s Girl now that I got it from the library. It’s no wonder that I’m weighed down.

I wish that I’m not so serious minded. I wish that I am more light hearted. But that is not who I am. Whether it is because of genetics or how life shaped me, it’s hard to know. It is probably both. It is not easy being an immigrant child of immigrant parents. Being the oldest is not a cake walk either. I bear/feel the brunt of the responsibility for helping them navigate in an English speaking country. Life was and has been a serious affair. There was/are good times and laughter but not the uproarious kind. Our lives always seemed to me to be smaller than others.

That’s my feelings growing up. You don’t shed those feelings of inadequacy easily. I haven’t. They’re still there somewhere just underneath my skin. Not that I feel like a failure. I know I have done very well. I am a well informed and educated person. I am financially independent. I am retired with many interestests. I am never bored. I am occasionally melancholy. Who isn’t, especially in these times?

And so I come to this space to tap out my melancholy, my angst and sometimes my joys and excitement. I do get those happy exuberant feelings once in awhile, too. It must have been what I felt yesterday. They carried me through a whole day of gardening. I repotted seedlings, cleaned out 3 raised beds in the back yard. I planted 3 cucumbers in the greenhouse and 7 celery in the raised bed. Hope I wasn’t over eager and too early. Hope is a good antidote for melancholy.

Cloudy Sunday Mutterings

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It’s disheartening to wake up to another grey morning. I try to not let the world weigh me down. But it is difficult watching what is unfolding in the U.S. I think the whole world is weighed down watching and so far unable to stop it. It is not in our country but it is affecting us universally. And it could happen in this country and others if we let it. Evil and corruption have no boundaries. I am surprised and shocked at the magnitude of it. I have been very niave. What a waker upper.

The count down has started. 11 days left in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wonder where my fellow bloggers are. We are dwindling in numbers. This April round has been the lowest. I’ve missed a day here and there. Some days I don’t feel like showing up at all but I do, somehow. I don’t have a business or a page to promote. I haven’t kept up with my hobbies either. I can’t crow about #the100dayproject. I haven’t been sewing my quilt squares like I said I would. The Index-Card-a Day Challenge is coming up in June. I think I will sit this one out, too. It’s time to do different but I might change my mind. I don’t want to quit everything and disappear.

Spring is slow this year. It came and went. More snow came. I hope it’s over now. The good news is that the maple sap is running and boiling is underway in many regions. I have good news in the greenhouse also. Everybody survived the couple of nights of chilly temperatures. The lettuce, spinach and Chinese greens are popping up and doing well. This gives me some cheer and hope for another day.

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Learning in Stuck

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How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

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I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.

No Other way

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Photo by Adnan Habib on Pexels.com

It’s another cool and grey morning with the sun trying its hardness to shine through. At least there is no smoke in the air. I still find no reason to smile and feel peppy. I’m having another cup of tea. Maybe I’ll get out of my pjs. Just because the world and life is not as I desire, it’s no reason to mope either. I can try a little, do a little and live a little, bit by bit.

So I’ve gotten out of my pjs into something summery. I’ve been living in sweat pants and t-shirts. They were easy and comfortable. Being a cool spring/summer they were the ticket. I wore them everywhere – to the gym, out for lunch, to the mall, to the garden. Being a sad sack, I didn’t care. I wasn’t fussy about my appearance. But I still shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair once in a while.

June was intended to work on my habits, improving on them and reporting here regularly. It didn’t happened quite often enough. I hit a slump. The weather was bad. There was/is wildfire smoke. And a million other excuses. Now I’m trying to reboot and restart. Not easy. Not feeling like or up to it. Nevertheless, I will just do it. There’s no other way. I will have to stop being a cry baby.

Last Day

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It’s the last day of May and what have I to show? Not alot but I thought I should show up and wrap up the month of May. It is hard to be cheerful and optimistic when the world is a fire hazard. The other day our premier declared a state of emergency after Manitoba declares provincewide state of emergency over wildfires. Yesterday our sky was grey. There was no sun. The air was acrid with smoke. The air quality index was 11. Today the sun came through but so did the smoke. The air qulaity index right at the moment is 9 which is worse than same time last night. I hope it’s not the trend for the summer.

I’m hoping for rain. We’ve only had 2 rains this year. We’re lucky we have many rain catchments. It helps to water the greenhouse, fill the raised beds and water the garden. When life gets hard, I resort to turning on the city water. It’s easier and faster. I know we won’t have enough water in our catchments. I’m being smart, saving my energy on days when I don’t have any. We are so dry this year, the elm trees are putting out tons of seeds. It was windy yesterday, creating a windfall of elm seeds. It looked like a snow storm. There’s piles of it everywhere.

What else can I say about May? Oh, yes, my goal was to use May to develope better habits. And I have! Isn’t that wonderful? I’ve read Atomic Habits before. What I used from it was to keep things easy and simple. B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits is the real game changer for me. It has the same principles but much more. I don’t know how to go into the specifics now. Maybe I can in June. James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits actually took the Tiny Habits course before writing his book. That goes to show how good it is.

I think this is enough chatter for now. It is getting late. Keeping it short and simple, good night.

Small bites

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A super grey cool day with drizzles. The drizzles are welcome, no matter how small. They’re much needed moisture. However, the grey and cool are not conducive for cheer and action. I am in a grey slump, not jumping up and down with excitement nor smiling with glee. I am feeling glum and being negative. There is no point in putting on a phony face. I do apologize for my negativity but I thought it is okay to feel not okay and face and accept what is here.

I am not a total ‘loser’ for lack of a better word. Though I feel lackluster, I am not inert. I still have a bit of life force in me. I’ve been reading Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B.J. Fogg. It lit up a small spark in me on this dreary day. I’m already a fan of doing small and doing easy. This book is a great addition to what I have already learned from Atomic Habits.

Rainy days are good for falling asleep and not so good for for finishing posts/projects or for starting them as you can see. I’ve come back to finish what I started yesterday. This way I can honestly say I’m writing every day. Chocolate cake and a coffee does help to wake me up a bit. Writing on doing small and easy and tiny habits do push me to test out the idea of tiny. A bunch of tinys do add up. They have the potential of becoming something big. On difficult and/or rainy days when tasks look monumentally difficult, taking small bites works better than trying to tackle the whole thing.

It works for me. That is how I am getting through the days of this difficult year. Today, I’ve meditated and wrote my morning pages. Last night’s supper dishes and today’s breakfast dishes were done after breakfast. That’s how I start the morning. It starts me up. Then I cosy up with a cup of tea and some reading. We took my father out for lunch. It gets us all out of the house on a grey rainy day. It’s cheery to eat in a restaurant full of other diners. Dad gets a walk in the mall after. Takes his mind off his shingles. The pain is not too bad. He is on tylenol and can sleep and nap despite the discomfort. I feel I’m doing a good job as a daughter with short time spent.

The afternoon is peaceful. I seed a small pot of broccoli and another of brussels sprouts. They will germinate fairly quickly. Our spring is none too warm yet. I’ve painted my teacup for the #the100dayproject. I’ve bagged up some old clothes for the garbage. Then I’m out in the yard, pulling a few of those darned creeping bell flowers. After all the digging up I did last summer, they are creeping up again. I’m applying doing small and easy on them. I will see where that gets me. I’m going to learn how to live with them wisely. And that is not killing myself trying to obliterate them.

Where Did It Go?

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Going to the gym is another ice breaker to start the day . It’s a habit now. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I would grab my gym bag and head for the door. It helps that somebody else is going, too and doing the driving. It makes it simple and easy. Of course there are times the habit is broken. The time getting back depends on how long I’ve lapsed. Good Friday is not a good enough reason to skip though the temptation is there.

I am sorely tempted to change my website again. I might just press the button after I post this and let things fall where they may. They say curiosity kills a cat. Well, it is killing me and I am wasting time wondering about it. It’s not that anything will get broken, right? It could mess things up but how else can a person learn?

Did I say it’s Good Friday? Sunday is Easter. Time is marching speedily along. I haven’t lost faith but I haven’t felt the reverence and holiness of this time for a long while. I miss it and wonder how I can get it back. It’s been a difficult year of losses. But I am also filled with gratitude for the life that I have and for our world with all its wonders. Of course, there are troubles. There always will be. It’s for us to work together and solve them.

Changing Thoughts and Talks

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Life is a messy business. It’s the excuse I give myself for being such a messy person. But it’s not a good enough reason not to make an effort to create a bit of order. I have to make space, create an opening so I can see where I’m heading. The best time is in the present moment because later never happens. What I can do is just try my the best, however big or small that is.

And so it is another morning, another new beginning, another chance for me to change, to do different. How great is that we all have this opportunity? I don’t have to stay stuck in the mire of old habits and thoughts. The old cliches of that’s the way I am or who I am are not cast in stone. I can change my vocabulary to “that’s the way I used to be” and “that was the old me”. I will change my thoughts. I will change my vocabulary.

Morning is the best time for me. I’m at my most positive and productive self. Towards noon, which is the present moment, I start getting stuck. I start scrolling and searching for solutions or just about anything that are of absolutely no use for me. So I know it’s time to walk away and do something else – like getting the laundry out of of washer and making lunch. The computer can be a dangerous device. Walk away.

Habits – Making and Breaking

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Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

It seems habits are difficult to make and to break as well. Why is that? I wonder. It’s a difficult and dumb question to ponder after a sleepless night. But who says I’m smart? Not me when I’m still struggling with the same old, same old problem of paper clutter. How many years have I been bitching and whining about it? How many years have I talk about working on it? Yet here I am, still stuck in the same groove. Not only stuck but sinking deeper into the pile.

I have this dread of opening my mail. I don’t know why but I’ve had it for decades. I hate reading and dealing with it. I have learned to open the bills after some expensive late fees. I guess I have taken a few steps forward. Now I’m snowed under with tax receipts and bank statements. The clock is ticking loudly. It’s forcing me to open a few more envelopes and making my head hurt. But it’s good that I’ve started. I have 5 weeks to get my ass in gear.

It’s not that I don’t have a goal or intention. I know what it is I want at the end of the rainbow. I always intend to do better but I haven’t. I think I don’t know how to get there. I’m lacking methodology, clear and concise steps to reach the pot of gold. I’m overwhelmed and lost before I start. The first step I must take is to open the mail when I get it right away. Then go from there. The Ultimate Blog Challenge for April is coming up. I will take the opportunity to work on making good habits and breaking my bad ones. I will open each piece of mail from now till end of April and hope it will stick.

THE BUTTONS I PUSH

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Here I am again. Wow, 2 days in a row! I’m doing/feeling better today. I’m swimming out of the dirty dishwater into a sunnier disposition. I’ve finally found not only the unstuck button but a few others as well. Some of them are not so helpful or healthy. I have to be careful of the ones I choose. They can get me stuck again if I am not mindful. They’re the ones that can trap you into wasteful hours of nothing. We’re all vulnerable to that addiction. We’re very much like kids. Watch them. If they see a button, they want to push it.

I’ve decided it is a good and mentally healthy habit for me to be here regularly, tapping out words and thoughts. It will be an exercise session for my mind and spirit. It will be a conversation of one with no interruptions and judgement. Here I can wrestle with my demons, try to see all sides of the story/argument. After, I can laid aside pent up frustrations and wipe the sweat off my brows. I hope it will be a way for me to feel connected to the world and myself again.

I think we all crave conversation and connection. I’ve just joined the Dull Women’s Club on Facebook. So far I’m enjoying the conversations. Seems like a lot of us are craving real conversation and real lives. I would say that none of the women are dull, but very interesting in their own unique dullness. It does not spark envy but interest and admiration in me. I hope it will stay true and not get spoiled. If it does, I guess I can hit the exit button.