I’M WORKING ON IT

Life is such that when you think you’ve got a good thing, it disappears. Having found the flow of things doesn’t mean you have command of it. When that happens, I have to do the hard work. I had to work hard to build my log cabin quilt squares this morning. Perhaps I was too smug. I tried to build 2 squares at the same time. I thought it would save time. The opposite happened. I made mistakes. I had to rip and take apart. Multitasking does not work. It does not create flow. Think again as this article points out.

It is 3 in the afternoon. It is -14℃ outside. In the greenhouse, 38℃. There are 146 new cases of #COVIDSK. We have just returned from our afternoon ski in the park. For change of scenery, we did the North Park which is across the street from the South Park. It is a little more challenging with little dips and rises in the landscape. Today I was not working on speed but on conquering my fear. I have gone down the 3 little slopes now a few times without falling. Still, my heart goes pitter patter standing atop of each. My mind gets so analytical, trying to picture the how(s). Bend my knees and ankles. Tuck my poles under my arms. Don’t hold them in front of me but behind me. Don’t stand up too fast.

It’s a success story. I did 2 rounds around the park. Went down the 3 slopes twice upright. I even gave myself a tiny push to start the glide. I dread each time I approach the slopes though. Going down was uncomfortable but exhilarating at the same time. I won’t be daring greatly any time soon but I’m working on it. I’m also working on my paper clutter. It’s almost tax return time. My head is such a mess. I have such an aversion to opening the mail. I don’t try to understand it. I’m making a goal of opening them each day again. Perhaps I should put a sign on my computer to remind me. I have opened my mail today. It’s a T5 for my tax return. I am acting promptly – for the moment. Now I just have to add up those moments.

CURSING THROUGH MY MUST-TO-DOS

Can you hear me muttering and cursing through cyberspace? That’s right, the morning was committed to my paper clutter. “The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships – and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings”. It was time for me to dispense with my excuses and deal with my dreads but must-to-dos. 

So much of my life seems to be wrapped up in paperwork – in triplicates. I hang on to every copy, every bits of paper, afraid I will lose something of great importance. Even though we have the internet, emails and e-statements, they still have to be opened, read, filed or deleted. So far I haven’t mastered the ins and outs of keeping on top of the real or virtual paper stuff.

There’s no better time than the present to work on it. First thing first. I dealt with the 2 letters that came yesterday. One needed a phone call to clear up. The next was regarding the house insurance due August 15th. I need some information back from my broker before making payment. It can wait. Then it was reconciling my receipts with my credit cards statement. That accomplieshed, I went on to phone to the telephone company to change my method of payment. Last was setting up online banking for an account set up 3 years ago. I have been such a procrastinator.

paperI still have much to stuff to sort through. I will not waste time trying to understand why or how I got this way. I have pondered upon all these many times before. Instead, I will handle and deal with the mail, real and virtual, daily. I have said this many times before. I know I could lapse. It is something that I will have to work at again and again. It’s like the dishes, meditation and other things. Some things are tedious and boring but they still need tending. It’s like the weeds in the garden, brushing teeth morning and night, dressing in the morning, going to the gym….

MY NEMESIS

It’s a perfect afternoon sitting in my outdoor space. Warm but not too hot. The birds are chirping behind me in the cedars. The traffic whooshing by in the background. Sheba’s asleep on the deck floor. I’m facing a blank screen. It’s the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. What shall I talk about today?

Pardon me but I have to get up, stretch and shake out my legs. It will give me a chance to do my breathing exercise. Maybe movement and more oxygen to the brain will loosen and free up my creativity. This writing challenge is holding me accountable to my words. It’s been a week of an egg with no toast in the morning for breakfast. I decorate it alternately with hemp and chia seeds. I prefer the hemp. It has a pleasant nutty taste. The chia is rather seedy and snappy, getting into the teeth. I haven’t stepped on the scale nor plan to. I’ve been rewarded with less jowls. That’s my measuring stick.

Now I have to work on my other nemesis. It’s no secret that I hate paying bills and paperwork. They send my brain into a frenzy. Seeing that my credit card bills are due today, I had to sit down and deal with them and other crap this morning. The bills are paid, insurances and car plate updated. The paper pile remains on my desk. There’s only so much my brain can handle at one go. But I must follow up tomorrow with sorting and filing. There’s also a couple of things I need to send in the mail.

That very thought unsettled me. I had to get up and make a black decaf and eat a couple of chocolate covered almonds. It stayed at only 2. What will power, eh? I will work hard at avoiding unpleasant tasks. I will approach my bill paying and paperwork like my after-lunch dishes – mindfully. In the end, it will not be dreaded.

ENOUGH CRAP SAID

When I show up late, it is difficult to find those first words. I flounder around, trying this and that. My mind is full of cobwebs. This afternoon I finally made a start clearing this very desk I’m sitting on. It was full of paper crap and dust. I was on hold to Sasktel and looking at it all. How long am I going to take before I attend to it? I started wiping a bit here and there. Got one area dusted before the Sasktel person got back to me. Another billing hitch worked out again.

It all goes to remind me how much of our lives are caught up in paper, whether it’s on hard copy or virtual. I have trouble dealing with either form. The truth is I don’t deal with it at all till absolutely necessary. It is THE reason why everything is so hard. I really want somebody else to take care of – EVERYTHING for me. Of course, that never happens nor is it possible. Everyone is responsible for their own shit and should take care of it themselves. Of course, we know that is not always the case. I decided I might as well get my head out of the sand and deal with the truth.

The truth is my shit includes some of others’. Acknowledging and accepting that will lift the emotional part of the burden. I have to look at it in an impersonal and impassionate way. I see it. That’s half the battle. Life is short and shorter when you’re in the retirement age bracket. I do not want to tap forever about my dust, paper crap and other angst. My plan for this month is to clear all the crap. It needs a deadline.

I’m not thinking too clearly now that I’ve had my glass of wine. But here’s the plan. Whatever I come across that doesn’t have a use and can’t be recycled will be tossed into the garbage. I have already tossed numerous post-it-note, memo and other pads into the recycle bin. How many pads or scrap paper do I need? How many lists do I make – none. There are several heavy outdated textbooks in the bin also. School is over. So is work. I’ve shredded a bundle of old bills and receipts. I have to let go of hanging onto every scrap of paper as security or proof of my worth. I have to hang on to my life instead.

Enough crap said. I’ve laid bare my soul. Tormorrow is another day.

 

WHAT I NEED – days 200-202 in a year of…

Days 200-202, February 14, 2017 @ 6:10 pm

I am such a clutter bug. My desk and dining table keep filling up with paper piles. What I need is a secretary to look after all my paper needs. It would help greatly to keep my head clear if someone would:

  • To answer the mail, file and/or delete, discard
  • Pay the bills and file them
  • Make my necessary appointments and take me there
  • Clear off my desk and diningroom table daily

You would think I have a business to run. I don’t. I don’t even have a job to go to. What I need is to give myself a shake and snap out of it. Having put down those 4 items for my secretary, it doesn’t look so much or difficult. So why don’t I just do them myself? Am I tripping myself up constantly, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Probably.

I have to keep trying clearing those paper piles every day. It’s a tough one today especially when the weather is so warm. I feel guilty feeling like mush, no energy. I’m like that cake with the icing melting in the rain. I feel like hell.

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

img_9209But I still have control over my mind. With some effort I push my thinking to I can. The beauty of little projects is that it can propel me forward. The success of creating a bit of beauty in my study of palm trees and letting go gave me a burst of energy. It gave me enough oomph to gather all my art stuff off the dining table and move them and all my supplies downstairs. If they were all downstairs, I would be more apt to work there. I have a very nice space there. It’s just habit that I don’t. I’m doing something different, setting myself up for success instead of failure.

I am feeling better, having snapped out a bit. I paid a bill and sent some mail. I decided I will take another interest class for spring. I even printed out the application form. I showed up here. Yay!

TAP DANCING – Day 159 in a year of…

Day 159, January 1, 2017 @9:13 am

img_8883Here it is, the first day of a new year. The morning is still dark though there is a rosy glow in the eastern sky. I’m sitting here hoping to tap out something profound. I am stuck though, mistaken in my belief that today is special. It is just another day. It is us who gives it meaning. The day has no power. It cannot give me wings to fly. It is I who must grow and power those wings.

I shall sit and tap. Maybe magic will come to these fingers. They will fly over the keyboard, leaving words of wisdom and courage. My hands are feeling weak and limp. My head and heart faint. I cannot blame it on late night celebrations and fireworks. I can only say it is the way I am in this moment, wishing for magic with no wand. I have only my fingertips and the keyboard. I shall do the best tap dance I can. Maybe I need another cup of tea for fuel.

img_8885I’m back with my tea. I can tap a few more sentences. I’m weak and limp with the fear of change. I hang on to my paper clutter because they are bills and receipts. They are RECORDS in WRITING. How foolish – as if records can protect me from anything or anyone. There! I’ve said it outloud. I have gathered a small box of such faux protection last night. They will be shredded in a few minutes. Every day in January I will do a little bit. I know the power of every day small.