mental health

FLYDAY, THE 13TH

It’s Friday, Chinese AirForce Day, as someone once called it. I took the bait and asked why. He said, It’s F-l-y-day. Would you call that a racial slur? Anyways, I chuckled like a good agreeable Chinese woman. I wasn’t offended, honest. I’m a little sleep deprived. I couldn’t sleep past 3 this morning. I hate it when that happens. And it does occasionally, especially when the weather shifts. I whine about the weather alot. Not only it disrupts my sleep but also my moods.

There’s alot I could whine about but I’m too tired. My edginess have worn off and I’m pretty mellow. My AM Energizer class certainly helped. My serotonin level was further elevated by lunch with the “YWCA” girls, our first in 2 years at the Parktown. We had a good time but we do miss the buffet which is no more. So many changes in 2 years. The diningroom was mostly empty except for us. It was a good and bad thing at the same time.

I am just poking along here, keeping up with my routines. I have just finished reading Naomi Judd’s book, River of Time and watched Ashley Judd speaking to Diane Sawyer about her mother’s suicide by a firearm. So sad! I have to be careful that I don’t dwell on all this too much. I am not emotionally fragile but vulnerable. Having experienced depression myself, I admire and have great respect for Naomi and her two daughters. Life is hard and messy and their lives certainly were. Wyona described it perfectly when she said they literally went from the shit house to the White House. What a journey and what an adjustment. Now they have more to adjust to. River of Time is a worthwhile read.

I am happy to say that I have a handle on my moods. Knock on wood. I have worked very hard every day to maintain good mental health. I have read countless books on the subject. I’ve put what I’ve learned to practice. One of those was getting Sheba. She took me out of the house and out of my bad moods. I got a heavy dose of nature and exercise. We went out rain, snow or sunshine. We were more regular than the mailman. Now she’s gone but she’s prepared me well. She certainly had earned her keep. I love her forever – then and now.

LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT

February 7, 9:15 am. Cloudy with sun. -6℃ outside, -7.4℃ in the greenhouse. I got my 8 hours of sleep last night. We were in bed by 10 pm. I have to admit I was feeling out-of-sorts watching the National about the freedom convoy situation in Ottawa. I wonder how they can call their mission freedom when they holding and subjecting a city and their citizens to their rude and unlawful behaviour. It is hard not to fall into the pits of depression when your country seems to be following in the footsteps of our southern neighbour. It is indeed hard and depressing when you hear the American Republicans applauding the convoy. But then I read this opinion piece in MacLean’s and my spirit rose a little.

It is after 3 pm. Very sunny. 3℃ outside and 8.6℃ in the greenhouse. This week promises warm weather. If the sun comes out every day, there’s hope that the greenhouse beds may be workable to sow some spinach seeds. So far I see only cloudy days ahead. We had our ski this morning. The sky was a work of art. You will have to take my word for it as I forgot to take my iPhone with me. No photos taken except those with my naked eyes. It was good that I got to enjoy the scenes before me without interruption. It’s part of my problem. I always want to capture those moments. I need to relax and just enjoy the view.

I am struggling a bit here. The cursor likes to jump around the screen. I’ve wasted time and energy finding a fix but I’ve succeeded – I think. It’s a reminder that things don’t always go smoothly or the way we want. Sometimes life sucks. It’s ok to feel badly. It’s not a time to feel glad. I don’t have to pretend. I can let it all hang out. No one can see me. It’s healthy to acknowledge our feelings. I didn’t let those feelings go to waste. They pushed me into tackling those hard to do chores – those hard to get at corners and closets. How the dust like to hide in and among all the clutter.

Nothing gets done by themselves, no matter how hard I’ve been wishing upon a star. It has to be hands on, getting down and dirty. It’s good at ridding of those nasty thoughts and feelings in my head and soul. I’ve worked up a sweat and a sugar low. I didn’t feel guilty at all having a big snack so close to supper time. I feel replenished.

IF WISHES WERE HORSES

The prompt today for Susannah Conway’s December Reflections is: on my wish list. It caused me pause for reflection. Have I ever wished for anything? None that I can remember for eons and eons. Oh yes, There was a time when I was young with hormones and desires. I think I yearned for romance but not with a house, picket fence and kids. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them. They just hadn’t enter my mind. Neither did I think about how to get the romance. I just wished and sighed. It took some time for me to realize that nothing comes out of just wishing and a-hoping.

As I’ve said before, I wasn’t born into the Christmas and Santa Claus story. I’ve never had a wishlist. I don’t have one now. It would be a good exercise for me to make a list of what I really, really want. It would be really, really tough. It was easier when I was a child. I wanted to ride a bicycle. I wanted to learn how to swim. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t then. Maybe it was because we were new immigrants and didn’t have enough money. But in high school my dad bought me a blue 1954 Ford. It had an automatic transmission. I was not a good driver. I kept flooding it. A bicycle would have given me more joy.

I guess I did put those 2 items on my adult wishlist. I’ve learned to ride a bike and how to swim. I am not excellent at them but now have a few bikes and bathing suits. Having a list isn’t all that important. Knowing myself is. I’m not interested in acquiring things as much as I want to acquire skills. Cross country skiing wasn’t on top of any list. They’ve been in my closet for 30 some years. I wasn’t really itching to bring them out. The guy brought them out into open. I said I would give them a try.

The snow fell and fell and the Covid-19 numbers climbed and climbed. Sunday’s Covid stats was pretty scary – 4 deaths and 415 new cases. Today’s – 1 death and 274 new cases. It’s best to stay out of the gym and into the park. Staying upright on those 2 sticks gave me a sense of purpose. Falling down is no humiliation. Getting up is a triumph. I feel like Rocky/Sylvester Stallone on skis. I’m not gliding smoothly along – yet. It is something to work toward. Having goals/wishlist is most desirable in maintaining mental health.

I’m happy to return to this space to tap out a few words, ideas and maybe some inspiration. It’s very grounding to put thoughts to words and to see them march across the screen. Nothing can happen in a vacuum. Action is needed. You need to rub 2 stones to create a spark which can light a fire.