Filial Piety

Posted on September 9, 2026 by hafong

A sunny September morning. I’m welcoming it with another cup of tea. I’m feeling more of myself today. It’s been a long, long time. My little ‘snap’ did me good. I woke and saw that I am not young any more. I need to move on – beyond grieving for my mother and caring for my aging father. Not that I will ever stop loving and missing my mother or not looking out for my father. But I cannot lose my whole self in them. I’ve still have a few good years left in me. I want to care and love myself as well.

I’m searching for healthy ways to do both. I do not want to sacrifice myself for filial piety. It is not an easy thing having being brought up in a culture where it is revered. True, I only spent the first 6 years of my life in China and 2 years in Hong Kong. The rest of my many years are here in Canada. I was nutured by a mother who had high moral ethics. She, herself, grew up in a family of such. It is difficult for me to escape/abandon my upbringing. For most of my life, I have squashed my own desires. That is if I had any.

After awhile, it didn’t seem to matter any more. I am comfortably retired, past my prime. I could nod off in my rocker except I have an aging father. I don’t mean to complain. He needs little physical care. He is still very independent with his daily activities of living. But being 95, it’s been 2 years of regular rounds of medical visits to the doctor and hospital. That alone is ok but it’s this burden of filial piety that finally broke me. I’ve been doing this forever. The weight of being responsible for his emotional well being and happiness is too much.

It would not be so hard if the piety was returned. It is not. It is a one way street. Perhaps all Chinese fathers of that age are like that. I do not know. I don’t even know that many Chinese people at all. But I think it is time for me to break or loosen up this filial piety. It’s choking me. I have to save myself. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Snapping Out of It

Posted on August 29, 2026 by hafong

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

At some point a person have to just stop with the worrying, fussing and carrying on. Do the best you can and live. Life can kill you sometimes and you don’t want to add to that. I’ve come to that crossroad. The other evening I got hit with a sudden episode of feeling so bad. I don’t know how else to describe it. I didn’t know how to alleviate it so I threw myself into bed even though it was only 9:30. Mercifully I fell asleep PDQ.

The bad feeling was gone in the morning. I remembered though it was bad enough for me to think, I want to die. It was a bit disconcerting at first. I puzzled over it over my morning cup of tea. Then I remembered my mother saying she wanted to die in the hospital after she had surgery for her broken hip. I think it is my mother’s suffering I felt in my own body. She came to prod me to get on with things. I need not suffer like she had. I still have work to do and a life to live. There are no excuses for not doing either.

So I am giving myself a shake, rattle and roll. I am pulling up my socks and give everything another once over and see what I can do. I need not worry about being bored and not enough to do. I have bitter melons and cucumbers coming out of my ears. Yesterday I blanched and frozen a bunch of bitter melons. For lunch today I made soup out of leftover turkey, cucumbers, last years carrots, celery and barley. I still have a pail of cucumbers. I’ve been meaning to make some refrigerator pickles for days. Meaning to does not quite get the job done. So I might just get to it soon. I also have celery coming out of my ears. I have alot to do. I can’t afford to feel bad. I better snap out of it and get into the pickle.

August Loves and Hates

Posted on August 18, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Cherry Ann Gonzales on Pexels.com

The thing I hate about August is it’s fruit fly season. These pesky little flying things are everywhere, dropping into teacups, wineglasses and my sourdough starter. They can get in even when there’s a cover. I have to set up a trap with an apple vinegar and dish soap trap or else they’re going to drive me nuts. I am half way there already with shorter daylight hours. I am noticing my rising moodiness. It’s another thing I hate about August. The fruit and house flies adds to the lot.

Thank God there’s no forest fire smokes this year. I dread it every August but there’s less and less of it every year now. Perhaps there’s no more forests to burn. What a cheerful thought, eh? And perhaps there’s no climate change and Donald Trump is just a figment of our imagination. I better cool and change my thoughts or I’ll think myself into a trash bin. I hate these runaway ugly thoughts of mine. What can I do about it?

What I have learned from experience is that it does not help to talk about it to people. It make me feel worse. I try to keep silent and wrangle some words here instead. Tapping works out the kinks. There’s no judgement. There’s no shoulds. August days when I feel like this, I love my keyboard. I love watching the letters and words march across the screen. It’s my inhale and exhale. These August days, I love having coffee at the mall with my mother’s and now mine friends. I love listening to their stories of how they came to Canada, their hardships and their joys. I love their generosity of showing their appreciation of my company.

I love how the light changes in August. There’s a softening and luminosity about it. The garden looks so beautiful in August lights. And I am happy again despite the shortening of days.

Seasons and Turning Points

Posted on August 11, 2026 by hafong

I’m enjoying a second cup of tea on the deck. It’s my reward to myself this morning. I’ve gotten the sheets and pillow cases out of the dryer. They are folded and put away. It rained a bit overnight, not much because my sweater I left ontop of a bucket outside the greenhouse is still dry. The sky is overcast but the colours of the garden are bright and luminous. How beautiful it all is!

The hot days of summer are gone and so are the days of my youth. I am in the autumn season of my life. I recognize this turning point, this change of direction when things do not go back to the way they were. I do not want to reside in hopelessness. I do not want to feel trapped, with no way forward. I want to feel a bit of peace. I want a slice of heaven, however big or small. I want to make a difference. I want to matter. I want to be heard. My wants are reasonable and getable. Did you know that getable or gettable is a real word?

What are your wants and desires? I am daily distressed about what I read in the two Heathers’ posts. And yet I keep reading. I used to bury my head in the sand but I can no longer hide. Nowadays I need to know what we human beings are capable of, the good and bad. I have to know both sides of the coin. There are still so many beautiful and good things to be grateful for. I will try to count them in the coming days. Right in this moment, I am listening to the birds chirping away to each other. And the sun just came out.

Having a Daily Plan

Posted on July 12, 2026 by hafong

Today, the 12th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge not only promises to be a hot day. It is hot already at 9 am. I woke at 6:30 to 24.5℃ in the house. It felt cool to the 28℃ at bedtime. I had to put my housecoat on. It’s all about relativity. Now it is heating up and I am seeking ways to block out the sun in the sunroom where no venetians are possible. I go through this every summer. I should have been more prepared. One forgets quickly once the crisis is over.

I think I will cancel my walk this morning and hunker down in the house. There are lots to do that I have been actively avoided. It helps to have a plan. I haven’t made a to do list yet. Writing this post would be one. I will do the next step in making my bamboo sticky rice. I will watch the video again before I start. Yesterday I prepped 160 bamboo leaves. They are nicely wrapped in bundles of 20’s in the freezer. I am sure they will be easy to defrost. I’ve measured out 1 pound of glutinous rice and defrosting 1/2 pound of pork belly. It’s a small but good start.

We have so much heat. There’s so much hate. Seemed like a good time to watch Mississipi Burning again last night. It’s a long time since 1964 – 62 years. Things have changed and yet they have not. I asked Ms. Google if the KKK is still active today. The answer is: “Yes, the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) still exists, but it operates as a heavily fragmented, shadow of its former self. Rather than a single unified organization, it is made up of dozens of independent, small chapters with an estimated combined membership of just a few thousand individuals.”

I am still reading both Heathers’ (Cox Richardson and Delaney Reese)posts every morning. It’s probably not good for my mental health. Yet it is hard to turn a blind eye to what is happening in our world. Whether we like it or not, it is happening to all of us. It is so hard to witness how much hate there is. Yet I must witness and learn from it. At the same time I must not be blind to all the good there is in us. It is good for me to have a daily plan and not fall into sadness and inactivity. So onward to the end of the UBC, morning walks, more sticky rice and more to do lists.

A Surprising Thing

Posted on March 26, 2026 by hafong

This morning was difficult for me to navigate. You could say I was feeling the lowest ever. No positivity any where near the horizon. The weather had turned cold. Snow was falling from a grey sky. I had a morning dental appointment. Iran and Donald Trump still heavy on my mind. Unresolved and undissolved disappointment with another human being. I have yet to learn acceptance of others as they are. I was a glum and unapproachable person.

It’s another morning. It is colder. The sun is pale, peaking through a grey sky. We’ve had a little more snow. The greenhouse has dipped into minus temperatures again. The greens I have seeded a few days ago won’t be germinating any time soon. Meanwhile, our world is just as dangerous, a push button away from never returning. There is a reason why buttons are dangerous, not only to toddlers but to kings and presidents as well.

I am, however, not as glum as I thought. It was a surprising thing for me to discover that yesterday. I can bounce back. It happened at the dentist’s office. What it took was just a change of scenery, getting into the car and into traffic and arriving at my destination. I had to interact with the receptionist, then the hygienist and dentist. All that disrupted my thoughts and feelings. I had to stop that in order to deal with what’s at hand. Such a simple thing, eh?

It is not that simple, of course, but it is a springboard into better thinking and moods. It stopped my rumination and regurgitation of the same old, same old. I have to keep working at it. It is not a one time fix. I have this habit of falling into the same hole. Don’t we all? So don’t sit with it. Move, move, and move some more.

There’s a Crack in Everyone/Everything

Posted on March 21, 2026 by hafong

A very grey March afternoon. The plus temperatures have melted much of the snow. There’s water everywhere. There is snow in the forecast for the next three days. I have been stuck for the last while but I don’t know where. I’m not going forward or backward. I am resigned and not fighting it. Because what is the use? How can I fight this unknown thing, condition, feeling? What could I fight it with?

Not much snow came. It is morning. Another grey day. I am not quite as downcast. I have to say that our world is broken. There is a crack in everything and everyone. I am not sure if that’s where the light comes in. I do not feel apologetic about my ‘negative’ but appropriate mood. To feel otherwise would be unnatural and denying reality. I no longer buy into the myth of “I can rise above everything.” Sometimes I can’t and it is ok. There is nothing wrong with me. I do not need to fix myself. I do not need counselling or medication. Life is not always a bed of roses.

Like Donald Trump, I have no plans on how to move forward. But I am not impulsive. I have no energy to do anything rash. I am not reckless by nature. Yesterday, driving to Tim Horton’s for a large coffee was exciting enough for me. Being in a coffeehouse wafting with aromas of coffee and baking and bustling with customers helped to reset my mood from gloom to a brighter hue. Today, I plan to work in the greenhouse, cleaning it of what remains of last year’s growth. It is warm enough now to seed some lettuce and spinach. I think I can manage that.

Now it is almost time to think about making lunch.

Pulling Myself Up

Posted on March 15, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Ali Alcu00e1ntara on Pexels.com

A sunny March 15th. I think I shall live after all. I woke up feeling fine with just a small cough and not drowning in mucus. I can’t say enough how fine healthy feels. I was very worried for a few days. I am celebrating with a second cup of tea. Here’s to our health! I’m putting the ‘hard stuff’ behind me. I’m looking forward to spring and the new growing season. My onion seedlings are doing nicely. They’ve had their first haircut. The celery will need to be transplanted soon or they will get too leggy. In another week or so they can all be moved into the greenhouse.

However, afternoons are still tough for me. My energy and positivity vanished, replaced by a low grade depression. I hope it won’t last 2 years like Google says. Perhaps I should not call it a low grade depression or what is medically termed as Dysthymia. I certainly don’t think I need medication or professional help. I feel better alrlealdy by going out for a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate cake at the nearby bookstore. A change of scenery seemed to have chase the fatigue away. Now if I can totally get rid of this damn cold. If all the bad people involved in the Epstein Files get what they deserved and if Donald Trump get impeached, it would help my mental health alot. While I’m with the ifs, it would be nice if there was no fake news.

There are too many if(s). The world is a whole shit load of a mess. It’s hard not to get depressed. I need to get my head out of it. I need more mornings and less afternoons. I need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I need to write different words and different thoughts. I can do it.

Looking a Cure

Posted on March 4, 2026 by hafong

I can’t believe that I am all done in just having a shower! I’m all out of puff. My cold lingers and I had to cancel yet another lunch date. I am getting better but the way things are, I am not sure what my ‘cold’ is. I don’t want to pass anything bad to anyone. I am going to take my father out for coffee tomorrow. It’ll be day 6 or 7 with this thing.

I’m trying to get my shit together. This scrolling disorder is hard to curb. I am wasting alot of time but I recognize that I am not alone in this. It is being a human with addictions. It is hard to stop even when I am not enjoying it. There’s no point in scrolling for a fix. It would be just another trap. The only sure cure would be to get rid of all my devices. I wonder what would happen if I did. Would I go mad, go into delirum tremens? Would I die? Would I go out and buy new ones? Somethings to think about.

There was a time I was the last one to get anything digital. I was happy then. I had time to enjoy my breakfast, listening to CBC on the radio. I didn’t google. I found everything of interest and needed at the librarby. I was able to sit down and read for hours at a time. Now, nothing seems to hold my attention and interest. I physically take out books from the library. I take them back mostly unread. Then there’s books I take out on Libby. Most of them return without me noticing. I am in a bad shape. I need my mind and brain back.

I’m realizing, too, that I don’t enjoy doing much of anything. I am really struggling with my spring seeding. I don’t bake cookies or muffins anymore. I still bake bread becuase it is a staple. But I haven’t done sourdough bread for a few years. I haven’t kept up with housecleaning since we lost Sheba and that’s almost 6 years. We are not living in filth. I haven’t deteriorated that much – yet. I think I’ve caught myself just in time. I’m working on a cure. It’s going to be a long work. At least I am freshly out of the shower squeaky clean.

How To Get My Shit Together

Posted on March 3, 2026 by hafong

I keep saying that I have to get my shit together. So far it hasn’t happened yet. So far I haven’t figured out how. At least I am feeling a little better. My cough is not as hard and harsh. My stomach and chest are sore. My shoulders stiff from hunching and holding them close. Sometimes I feel as if I’m going to cough up my liver. I’ve been drinking and drinking gallons of fluids and making a million trips to the bathroom. Such fun, eh?

Hopefully I am on the road to recovery. I was able to lie down and had a decent night of sleep. I’m having my second cup of tea and trying to tap out how to get my shit together. First, I think I have to curb scrolling and scrolling through news from south of the border. It’s not good for my mental health. But I do like reading Heather Delaney Reese’s and Heather Cox Richardson’s posts on the U. S. political scene. It’s good to stay informed. But I also need to disconnect and move on with my day and life. That’s the hard part.

I’m taking little stabs and short runs at it. Yesterday I finally did seed my peppers. They take a long time to germinate and need a long growing season. Maybe today I can seed a few eggplants. I haven’t been successful with them. I did learn they are heavy feeders and need lots of pruning. So maybe this is the year. My sunroom is a holy cluttered mess. I have to clear some surfaces to put the plant trays. I had never thought I could be this bad. But then I never counted on my mother dying either even thought she was in her nineties. How silly could I be?

Now I feel the harshness and difficulties of the past year. I was perhaps operating on numb. I just had to. Life goes on. I like to think this part is my healing journey. Now I know everyone goes through this. It is hard but also necessary. I like to think of it as Joan Dideon’s The Year of Magical Thinking. I should read this book and Blue Nights. They are hard reads. I will try.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mental health