mornings

STILL HOPEFUL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

I’ve always been a hopeful person, even when I’m not, even when I’m in the throes of planning my own demise. I’ve often felt like I’m a hoax when I am filling out the forms for counselling. Things don’t add up at the end. That’s what I tell the therapist(s). I tell them the results of those forms – that I am not without hope. What was I doing there? They would laugh and tell me that it is a good thing.

I am still that hopeful person. I look forward to waking up every morning when I can start my day. There’s always something to learn, some new venture beckoning me. I am not the kind of adventurer that you’re probably thinking of. I’m not busting out, wanting to travel to the far corners of the world or outer space. I don’t want to bungee jump off a high rise in Las Vegas. I’m not a high roller at the casino either though I have played the slot machines. My kind of excitement might raise a few bored eyebrows. It’s learning about nematodes, soil health and Dr. Elaine Ingham. Then I stumbled upon Korean natural farming and Chris Trump. Are you yawning yet? These are the kind of things that excite me and give me hope for a greener planet.

I am hopeful but I do have dark days and moods but I am learning how to navigate them more constructively and creatively. I have so many teachers from family, friends, co-workers – all the people that I’ve come in contact with. You have, too. We become the sum of what they’ve impacted upon with, whether they know it or not. So it is important that we choose the right environment. We, like all growing things, need fertile soil to thrive in. I have found a wealth of knowledge and wisdom through books, television and online. I first learn of Caroline Myss on Oprah many years ago. She’s still my first go to source of inspiration and spiritual direction. I believe her when she says that this is the most exciting time in history. It is, don’t you agree?

What gives me hope this morning is watching this episode on Kirsten Dirksen’s YouTube channel. It’s about a simple home built by an architect who had spent his first years in a Japanese internment camp in Idaho. He talked about how that had influence him on his love for simplicity and what is important. Kirsten features many stories like this in different parts of the world. Through them I can see how much talent and abilities we all have. We are not all in this life just to make money and getting more stuff. There are many who care about the planet, sustainability, resilience and the quality of life. Therefore, I am always hopeful when I watch these kinds of programs. They help me change in some small way to contribute to the cause.

MONDAY, MONDAY

Monday morning coming down. May 11th, the calendar pages are advancing. The sun is out shining bright. My day has started. Breakfast over and done with. I’ve shaped my sourdough loaves. They are chilling in the fridge. They can chill up to 24 hours. The longer they stay, the tastier and more stable they get. That is what they say. Maybe I will wait to bake them tomorrow morning and test out the theory.

My Sheba and I are growing old together. She has a little more white than I do. Her hips are worse off, too, giving her trouble these last couple of weeks. I try not to feel too bad or sad when I see her stumble. She still loves her walks and able to go up and down the deck stairs. There’s a few more things I can do to help her like doing range of motion on her hips. She’s content to let me massage and brush her, even on her backend. She is already on fish oils and glucosamine. I will try to wean a little weight off her. It will be a task as she loves food. I’m adding a little ground flax to her food and see if that will help. I hear that cumin is a good anti inflammatory. We will check with the vet.

Mornings are my best time. It is late afternoon. My mood and energy are sagging and dragging the floor. It is impossible to work on the hard stuff when I’m feeling thus. Bad habits are hard to break but I did get the kohlrabi and broccoli seedlings transplanted. They were beyond leggy and flopping over. Gardening has not been easy this year. I keep plodding along. I will be glad for my persistence and efforts come harvest time. I think of the reward to keep myself moving along.

Excuse my monotone. I’m struggling to finish this post. I find myself struggling with everything. I just have to take life in smaller bites and swallows these days. You wonder why I bother with my mutterings. Sometimes I wonder, too. But I’m the better for showing up here. It gives me order to my day. The rhythm of the keys tapping calms and soothes me. It gives me purpose. It records my moods, problems and helps me find workable solutions. It keeps me sane.

 

THE QUIET AROUND ME

 

Sometimes I get tripped up starting the day. The morning can be an obstacle course. I try not to get sidetrack too much, wasting time reading useless articles or things that I already know. How many versions of the same thing do I need? I try not to be obsessed about not being sidetracked. That can take the joy out me. I try to remember to do simple – just stop when I catch myself doing the repetitive and nonsensible. STOP.

Life is a little easier. The weather is a little warmer. My body is feeling more at ease. Sunshine is streaming through the windows. I’m tap, tapping on my keyboard, rearranging my thoughts, putting them in order, getting the kinks out. I’m calming my neurons. They misfire every which way. My keyboard is like a pacemaker, putting the impulses into rhythm. I can breathe again – in for 4 counts, hold for 7, out for 8. I do this four times.

The last few months or so have not been a good space for me. But there are some things that are working for me. It’s good to pay attention to the positive. For one thing, the pain in my hands and hips have been absent for over a year. Doing the work, paying attention to what I eat and exercising regularly have big dividends. It keeps my spirit afloat in the face of knowing that life is never easy. It goes on and I have to put one foot in front of the other.

I’m recognizing the value of my time and energy now. They are not endless as my years advance. Now when I catch myself doing things that don’t really matter, I stop. I redirect myself in another activity. I’m repeating myself but it’s something worth repeating. It’s a hard lesson for me. I waste and fret away my time and energy on things that can’t be changed or help me. For all the mornings sitting in meditation, it’s taken me a long time to get here.

I AM here, sitting in sunshine, in silence, listening to the rhythm of my breathing and the beating of my heart. I am alive. I am tapping out my inner conversation, the voice of all my cells. I should listen to them and the quiet around me.

A STITCH IN TIME

November 11, 2018  9:00 am

What I love about mornings is that it is a new day, a new page and another chance at a new beginning. I’m so prone at falling into the same rabbit hole. I thought I better return to my daily mumble jumbles. That way I can trace my way back to how I keep waking up in the same hole all the time. I can’t tell directions worth a damn but I don’t seem to need a GPS to Alice’s rabbit hole. Maybe I need to leave little signs of “Been Here” “DONE THAT’ so I can take a different route.

It’s Remembrance Day. It’s 100 years since the end of WW1. It’s a wonder to me to think of it, the number of young men who died in the line of duty. I have no adequate words to describe so I will not. It is fitting that we observe the 11th hour with a period of silence as a tribute.

2:14 pm

Mornings are definitely my happy times. By now I’m a little down in the mouth. It’s good to tap out the negative and put a little sunshine in myself. No sense in carrying the gloom around. I will put in 15 minute blocks of doing something instead of wool gathering and dwelling on all the bad stuff. I could dust and clear my desk for 15 minutes and move on to 15 minutes of cross stitching Jesus. And so on and forth. It’s enough to think of two things at a time.

November 12, 2018  10:32 am

Mornings are my best bet but I have to be carefeul that I don’t scroll it away through other people’s lives and the toxic wastes of world politics online. I have to give myself a firm scolding that it’s enough after an hour. Then it’s time to deal with the realities of tending to my own life. Yesterday’s assignment of 15 minutes of clearing and dusting my desk was successful. I have a dust free desktop. It still has a lot of stuff on it. That’s for another 15 minutes this afternoon. As for the cross stitching, I found I could stitch more than I thought possible in 15 minutes. A stitch in time does save nine.

So that’s it for now. I have no earth shattering insights but one observation. I found my thoughts rushing towards the 15 minutes. It’s so short. I have to hurry up, hurry up and do. It was much like taking Sheba to the doggy wash that charges by the minute. I was rushing and rushing. The clock was ticking in my head.  There really is no way to washing a dog fast without getting myself totally soaked and sudsy along with her. I’ve learned to slow my thoughts and rushing, the cost be damned. I reminded myself yesterday that I’m not being charged. It’s my own time, at my own speed.

 

 

DESIDERATA

I didn’t wake up with a Yippee! on my lips this morning. Neither did I wake up with dread. Everything was copacetic. I was in that neutral state of the morning. I gave some thoughts on how I want to feel and how I want my day to go. My goal has always been the sentiments expressed in the poem Desiderata. I should read it every morning to keep heart.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann.

It is difficult to go placidly amid the noise and haste now. There’s so many voices and distractions. Who to listen to? Which direction should I go? It must be difficult in all times since Max Ehrmannt wrote the poem in 1927, a time which we think now as much quieter and slower. Some day in the future, someone will think of this time as being slower and quieter, too.

Mornings before the world is fully awake are the best for me. I’m grounded in the quiet.  I’m  a blank page, a new canvas to be filled/painted with optimism, dreams, fantasies. In the mornings I am hopeful that I can make changes. They are possible in the newness of the day. As the day ticks along, I can feel my head fill with thoughts and imagined conversations. Most of them are not true but made up in my busy mind. By noon I am consumed by idle chitchat, paranoia and negative self talk in my head. They drain me. And they are not necessarily true.

Knowing this, I will dedicate mornings pursuing all those things that gladdens and opens my heart. I hope being engaged thus will shut up those negative self talk and paranoid thoughts. In time maybe I can rid them at will, no matter time of day.