Do you know how much time you scroll on your phone? I don’t know for sure but it’s probably alot. The thing is knowing and trying to cut down makes it worse. It’s an addiction, like:

  1. Sucking your thumb for comfort.
  2. Kids wanting to press any button they see.
  3. Lighting another cigarette before you do anything.
  4. Having another cup of tea when you don’t know what else to do.

What I know is that I am uncomfortable in the moment and scrolling is an escape. I’ve outgrown sucking my thumb. I still press some buttons. I was able to give up cigarettes because of health reasons. I’ve cut down my tea consumption because of too many trips to the bathroom. The scrolling thing seems harmless enough and resulted in much sought information. But then I realize my attention span has dwindled to that of a gnat’s. Then there’s the memory. You say who needs it when there’s Google. True but I’m starting to feel somewhat robotic like. My emotions and thinking becoming muted. I’m like a deer in headlight, blinking, unthinking, not knowing what to do next.

Do you know how much of yourself you can lose to others whether it’s family, spouse, lover, friend or foe? You compromise, you turn a blind eye, you stay silent – giving up pieces of yourself to get along, to be nice, to be kind, to be…..I didn’t know until periods of depression, downtime, aloneness, stillness. In those moments of being the deer in headlight, I am faced with ‘I don’t know who I am‘. I am the stranger at the door in Derek Walcott’s Poem, Love After Love.

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

How am I to recover myself? What they tell me to do is to replace an unhealthy habit with a healthier one. So here I am, showing up more in this space, digging deep, trying to coax out the words I once love so much. It is hard work, being here. Being somewhere else is preferable. I made an escape to the garden and greenhouse. Then I had a snack. Now I am back with a cup of bitter melon tea to do the work.



Sometimes I get tripped up starting the day. The morning can be an obstacle course. I try not to get sidetrack too much, wasting time reading useless articles or things that I already know. How many versions of the same thing do I need? I try not to be obsessed about not being sidetracked. That can take the joy out me. I try to remember to do simple – just stop when I catch myself doing the repetitive and nonsensible. STOP.

Life is a little easier. The weather is a little warmer. My body is feeling more at ease. Sunshine is streaming through the windows. I’m tap, tapping on my keyboard, rearranging my thoughts, putting them in order, getting the kinks out. I’m calming my neurons. They misfire every which way. My keyboard is like a pacemaker, putting the impulses into rhythm. I can breathe again – in for 4 counts, hold for 7, out for 8. I do this four times.

The last few months or so have not been a good space for me. But there are some things that are working for me. It’s good to pay attention to the positive. For one thing, the pain in my hands and hips have been absent for over a year. Doing the work, paying attention to what I eat and exercising regularly have big dividends. It keeps my spirit afloat in the face of knowing that life is never easy. It goes on and I have to put one foot in front of the other.

I’m recognizing the value of my time and energy now. They are not endless as my years advance. Now when I catch myself doing things that don’t really matter, I stop. I redirect myself in another activity. I’m repeating myself but it’s something worth repeating. It’s a hard lesson for me. I waste and fret away my time and energy on things that can’t be changed or help me. For all the mornings sitting in meditation, it’s taken me a long time to get here.

I AM here, sitting in sunshine, in silence, listening to the rhythm of my breathing and the beating of my heart. I am alive. I am tapping out my inner conversation, the voice of all my cells. I should listen to them and the quiet around me.


It is the afternoon slump period. I’m trying to push through it with my tap, tapping at the keyboard. One load of laundry done this morning and drying outside. Another load is in the washer. Lunch is consumed and dishes done. It’s really not so hard. It’s establishing new routines and habits. I want to push through my lethargy and procrastination, adding one more thing each day so that doing becomes easeful.

I’m feeling that unease already, wanting to stop and get a cup of tea. It’s a delaying/procrastinating tactic and it works every time. At least I recognize it for what it is. Be back in a few minutes. Getting up will be good as I am feeling stuck and sleepy.

I am back. I do come back and trying again. While I was gone, I’ve brought in some of the laundry and have made my tea. I see myself doing these things. I see my thoughts as I move from here to there and back. I am learning to observe myself and my feelings as objectively as I can. Why do I feel __ , Why did I do __, Why can’t I ____,I ask myself these questions. I don’t like some of the answers. I ask anyways. Perhaps I’m finally doing The Work Of Byron Katie.  I’ve been gathering self-help information for decades. At last I’m doing the work.

Standing back away from myself, being an objective observer and asking the questions may be the way to being a better person. That is my goal – pursuing excellence in being.  I will put up with my discomforts and to come to this space. I’m finding the quiet and listening here encouraging. It creates a stillness in me and I hear the whispers of wisdom in the air. I could not hear them before. There was too much noise and unrest in my head. I am OK. I do not have to minimize myself, apologize or hide in the dark. I am big enough to stand in my own right/light.

DOING THE WORK – day 122 and 123 in a year of…

Day 122 and 123 – November 25, 2016 @2:05 pm

img_8499Thank God that no two days are equal. I am having a much better after lunch feeling. There’s none of the fatigue, sleepiness and I-want-to-throw-up looking at the dishes.The pots, pans, and stove top are cleaned. The washers, dish and laundry are going. There’s the weak washed out wintry sun coming in the windows. We are having a quiet peaceful interlude, letting the food digest and having a spot of tea.

I’m puttering through my days and year slowly but steadily.  Some days I am more energetic and ambitious than others.  But I am always passionate about this learning process.  I am always excited about what nuggets of myself/ourselves I can excavate and examine in the light.  It has always been the purpose of this blog.  Yes, I do wander now and then.  That is my/our nature.  But I always come back again and again to do the work.  What is my purpose?  What is my nature? How can I do better?  The answer comes to: I have to know (myself) better.

img_8498This journey has many crossroads. Which path do I take?  Can I face my own truths, or would I rather not know?  Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Can’t I have both?  I’m choosing the path of truth.  At this stage in my life, I cannot afford any more games.  I do not want to hide.  I am seeking.  I want to do the work.  I am guided by the works of Byron Katie, Caroline Myss and Norm Shealy.  In this age of the Internet, there are so many tools at our disposal. Access is almost at the speed of light.  There is no need to stay in the dark.

Here, in my real physical world, I’m doing the work at Fitness on 25th/YWCA. Mondays we do aerobics.  Wednesday we do step aerobics.  Fridays, obstacle course.  All classes are not straight anythings.  They can have weights training and they are all geared towards improving our functioning in activities of daily living.  Our awesome instructor is Val.  I am stronger mentally, emotionally and physically since I have stumbled into her class last December.  I can’t fly yet, but I can vacuum my whole main floor at one go without stopping to rest. Here’s a sample of functional training from YouTuble: