crossroads

CROSSROADS

Summer time. The living is not quite as easy as the song goes but morning has broken and I have slept a good sleep. The sun was already shining bright at 7. Looks like another hot August day but at least it’s still a cool 17 now at 8 o’clock. By now yesterday, it was already over 21℃. How is my day going to be? Will it run me or will I control it? That is the question. I have many memories of bad hot August days. When I really think about it, they weren’t really bad days but rather bad choices or decisions of actions I’ve made. They led to ‘bad’ feelings which still rear their ugly heads now and again. It really does me no good to blame myself for them. I did the best I could/knew how then.

Now I am at crossroads again. When am I not? Which way or how to go? I know I do not want to dwell in the valley of depression. I will make make a detour and bypass that junction. I have so many options. I can sit in nature as I am now with my tea, tap, tapping for solutions. I can watch a uplifting video like this one of a grandfather and granddaughter doing a tap dance. Joy is contagious. I feel my feet tapping and my heart lifting. I am making an active choice of being in the light and music of life. Sometimes it is not easy but it is a choice we can make.

https://fb.watch/e_8AcHVxyn/

I am choosing this morning not to be so frenzied with thoughts and doings. I am choosing to be still and in this sit spot, resting and enjoying the view before me. The frog is sitting in contemplation amid the squashes and the pot of nasturtiums. The squash leaves are swaying in the gentle breeze, the bees buzzing around the Globe Thistle and the petunias and bougainvilleas blooming on the deck. The laughter and screeches are finally quietening down from daycare one house away as playtime outside is over. All is well. I still have a little bit more time to sit out here and enjoy. Noon is slowly approaching along with the heat.

THE HARDEST JOURNEY

My most difficult journey is the present one. The how of starting is always the first stumbling block. It is the cue to think back to my ancestor, Lao Tzu. He said that a journey of a thousand miles start with a single step. I step forward tentatively – one word, then two…I’m on my way. My most difficult journey is also my inner one. The one with lofty goals, the one which I hold myself to impossibly high principles, the one which I do not allow for mistakes, the one with no detours. It is the one that I, inevitably, have come to a dead end.

I’ve been at the crossroad for some time now. I’m sitting here contemplating my options. Which way are you going to go, Lily? is singing in my head. I know that I can only go forward. There’s no backtracking in life. I’m taking my time, dwelling in the quiet, listening to the beat of my heart. What is it telling me? I no longer trust other voices telling me this and that. They do not have my best interests at heart even though they sincerely believe so. I cannot hold them at fault. I am probably guilty of the same.

I’m watching the shadows on the wall, sipping my peppermint tea.  It is peaceful here. I have time. It is a good place to linger and rest awhile. I’ve had a full and wonderful day. I swam 13 laps or 26 lengths this morning. Somehow 26 lengths sound more impressive. I’m pleased and proud of myself. I’m still holding myself accountable of doing my best of the day, living up to my commitments of showing up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge and staying the course of a healthy physical and mental diet.

DOING THE WORK – day 122 and 123 in a year of…

Day 122 and 123 – November 25, 2016 @2:05 pm

img_8499Thank God that no two days are equal. I am having a much better after lunch feeling. There’s none of the fatigue, sleepiness and I-want-to-throw-up looking at the dishes.The pots, pans, and stove top are cleaned. The washers, dish and laundry are going. There’s the weak washed out wintry sun coming in the windows. We are having a quiet peaceful interlude, letting the food digest and having a spot of tea.

I’m puttering through my days and year slowly but steadily.  Some days I am more energetic and ambitious than others.  But I am always passionate about this learning process.  I am always excited about what nuggets of myself/ourselves I can excavate and examine in the light.  It has always been the purpose of this blog.  Yes, I do wander now and then.  That is my/our nature.  But I always come back again and again to do the work.  What is my purpose?  What is my nature? How can I do better?  The answer comes to: I have to know (myself) better.

img_8498This journey has many crossroads. Which path do I take?  Can I face my own truths, or would I rather not know?  Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Can’t I have both?  I’m choosing the path of truth.  At this stage in my life, I cannot afford any more games.  I do not want to hide.  I am seeking.  I want to do the work.  I am guided by the works of Byron Katie, Caroline Myss and Norm Shealy.  In this age of the Internet, there are so many tools at our disposal. Access is almost at the speed of light.  There is no need to stay in the dark.

Here, in my real physical world, I’m doing the work at Fitness on 25th/YWCA. Mondays we do aerobics.  Wednesday we do step aerobics.  Fridays, obstacle course.  All classes are not straight anythings.  They can have weights training and they are all geared towards improving our functioning in activities of daily living.  Our awesome instructor is Val.  I am stronger mentally, emotionally and physically since I have stumbled into her class last December.  I can’t fly yet, but I can vacuum my whole main floor at one go without stopping to rest. Here’s a sample of functional training from YouTuble:

 

CRANKY & NOT IN FRANCE

IMG_1158I’m in trouble.  I have my Chai.  Feeling better, head clearing.  I can feel things draining downward.  But when I speak, I can hear my hoarse voice echo in my head.  My ears pop and my eyes tear.  When I cough, I can hear the rattle in my chest. Too soon for complete recovery yet.  BIG HEAVY SIGH.

I need to be patient and let the cold run its course.  But I am getting cranky and feeling distraught with discomfort at times.  These are not the restful symptoms of being totally sick, of doing/not doing of yesterday. I’m going to take these as signs of healing.  I better keep pushing the fluids and take an analgesic to relieve my distress and crankiness.  This morning, my tapping fingers are not enough.

I don’t know how other Canadians are feeling, but I am sick of the Jian Ghomeshi story. Only a day out, it seems to be in our lives over everything else.  So much speculations.  So many different opinions.  So much #*^!!!!  Reminds me a little of the O.J. Simpson story. Let me not add to the hash and rehashing of these stories.

Let me move onto my second week in France.  I was interrupted by a slow Internet there.

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October 22, 2014

It is now Wednesday in France. We are down to our last two days before heading home.

I am happy for this time away from my familiar surroundings. It helps to take me out of myself, out of my small mind and gives me a larger scope of the world. I hope I can be more open-minded. At this same time, being away from home brings me closer to understanding who I am. I see my small concerns for what they are. I see my selfishness and my mean ways. I wish to do better.

IMG_1249I am missing my fur baby, Sheba. I can imagine her excited barks upon our return. I remembered the first time we were away from her. She was so happy to see us upon our return that she ran circles in the street.  She brought tears to my eyes. I’m thinking that we could learn from our pets. They know how to greet us. We should let the people in our lives know they are appreciated.

This is what I’m thinking as I sit here tapping my words. It should be that simple. But it is not. We have to make things complicated. We put in conditions. We insist that people see things our way. We demand that they hear us before we will listen to them. I believe we call this tit for tat.

IMG_1692I am quite weary of this way of living. I am exhausted by it. I am at many crossroads at this time in life. What a better place and time to find this out than in a place of neutral ground. Perhaps I will have a clearer sense of direction as I fly home.

I am hoping when we get to the airport on Saturday morning, we will not be told there is something wrong with my ticket. It is strange all the things that had gone wrong with our bookings when they were done by professionals. Now I’m totally sold on that there are no such things as accidents. Everything is meant to happen.

IMG_1712On these last mornings here, we walk the streets of the village. They are still quite empty. We see the same cat and dog. Some cars drive by. We wave. Now we are able to discern a nod from the drivers. We see a woman here and there clearing the flower boxes in the windows. We say bonjour, the only French word we know besides Je ne parle pas Francais.

Well, I like to say I’m trying. I am. Every day. Always. Sometimes it wouldn’t hurt to give it a rest.