August 21. We are into a bit of heat again. I guess we still have another month of summer. I suppose I should be happy about it. Thirty more days of growing for the gardens. I have enough of the beans though not much of the peas. Who knows if I will have enough tomatoes to eat fresh as well as to sauce. If not, it will be the first time in many years. Last year was the year of no bitter melons. This year I still have 30 of them hanging on the vine in the greenhouse. That’s the excitement and unpredictability of growing food and the weather. It teases and taxes one’s thinking and endurance.

I’ve been doing some thinking and evaluation of how I should go forward next year. I am not getting any younger. How do I want to use my energy? Are my goals the same? One thing that came to mind is that I do not want to start all my seedlings. It takes a long time for peppers and eggplants to germinate and grow into viable seedlings. I would have to seed them in February.

August 24. Talking about excitement and unpredictability, just before we were heading to pick up my father to go to the cemetery on Saturday to visit my mother’s and my grandparents’ graves, I received a text message from my brother that my father was not feeling good. When we got to the house, my brother said that dad complain of shortness of breath and that he can’t move. He called 911. Within minutes a couple of big firemen came stomping into the house followed shortly by the paramedics. My father perked up with a little oxygen. After some minutes we were all headed to ER at St. Paul’s Hospital.

Though my father was seen and treated shortly, he was in ER hallway till this afternoon. It is another bout of pneumonia. It’s only about a month since his last one. I’m evaluating on how much I can handle. I am taking a rest from daily visits this hospital stay. I need some physical and mental rest from all the doctor, ER and hospital visits. I feel as if I am still on duty as a nurse and being responsible for my father’s life and happiness. I am taking a short break from it all for my own health and happiness.

Today I feel lighter, the weight off my shoulders. I noticed for the first time how filthy the downstairs toilet was. It was as if I have waken up from a deep sleep. Instead of avoiding and procrastinating, I gave it a good scrub. Now I am juicing the choke cherries we picked last August. I feel sadness for myself and my family as well. I’m mourning and missing my mother. She held us together. I feel sad that my father cannot step into her shoes just a little bit. Instead, we, the children are doing it as we’ve always had to when she is not available. I am happy though that we could.