August Loves and Hates

Posted on August 18, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Cherry Ann Gonzales on Pexels.com

The thing I hate about August is it’s fruit fly season. These pesky little flying things are everywhere, dropping into teacups, wineglasses and my sourdough starter. They can get in even when there’s a cover. I have to set up a trap with an apple vinegar and dish soap trap or else they’re going to drive me nuts. I am half way there already with shorter daylight hours. I am noticing my rising moodiness. It’s another thing I hate about August. The fruit and house flies adds to the lot.

Thank God there’s no forest fire smokes this year. I dread it every August but there’s less and less of it every year now. Perhaps there’s no more forests to burn. What a cheerful thought, eh? And perhaps there’s no climate change and Donald Trump is just a figment of our imagination. I better cool and change my thoughts or I’ll think myself into a trash bin. I hate these runaway ugly thoughts of mine. What can I do about it?

What I have learned from experience is that it does not help to talk about it to people. It make me feel worse. I try to keep silent and wrangle some words here instead. Tapping works out the kinks. There’s no judgement. There’s no shoulds. August days when I feel like this, I love my keyboard. I love watching the letters and words march across the screen. It’s my inhale and exhale. These August days, I love having coffee at the mall with my mother’s and now mine friends. I love listening to their stories of how they came to Canada, their hardships and their joys. I love their generosity of showing their appreciation of my company.

I love how the light changes in August. There’s a softening and luminosity about it. The garden looks so beautiful in August lights. And I am happy again despite the shortening of days.

What’s Next?

Posted on August 1, 2026 by hafong

August 1, the morning after the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am enjoying the cool of the morning. We had breakfast on the deck, the first time in a long while. I enjoyed my omelette and toast, followed by a sweet sliced apricot. So what now, after the July writing challenge is over?

Yesterday, I was profoundly numbed, sad and mad. I guess I was overcome by heat and the stress of tending to my elderly father. I was sorely disappointed by his thoughtless and selfish behaviour. All this atop of the politics of the world. Then there’s our premier, Scott Moe, who attended Lindsey Graham’s funeral in the U.S. on the taxpayers’ dollar. It adds to my distress that many Saskatchewan citizens supported his action and Graham.

In the evening we watched the movie In the Land of Blood and Honey about the Bosnian war. Why is it that women always get raped in wars? Watching a scene of a soldier raping a womon in front of other captured women, sparked a thought I never had before. Was my grandmother raped when she was imprisoned by the communists? I will never know. My mother and most of her siblings are gone. There is no one to ask except my youngest uncle. I will not ask that question. My grandmother has been gone for over 50 years now.

I think I’ve gotten over feeling mad and angry about where I find myself in life. I have a partner late in life. I do not have children and of course, no grandchildren. No legacy. It seemed my lot was to tend to others and that’s what it’s been. I remember the times when I felt it was more bearable to shoulder the burden myself than watch others suffer. And so I have suffered. Those times have come to an end. That doesn’t mean that I will become it is all about me. I don’t have that in me. In reality it will be a very slow transition in taking care of myself as well as others.

I think that is what’s next. I will start by doing what I love and what makes me feel good. I love words. I love how they march across my screen. I love how they can ease my heart. I love the smell of the bitter melons in the greenhouse in the morning. I love my garden spaces. I love the cool morning breeze, the silence and a slow cup to tea.That’s it. That’s all for now.

About To Do Lists

Posted on July 11, 2026 by hafong

A hot July Saturday, the 11th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m feeling lethargic, in the slow after dinner slump. The dishes are not yet done, sitting in the sink. I feel least like writing but here I am, tapping away. A few days ago, I started a to do list with just 4 items. One of the 4 is write a post for UBC. Another one is going for a walk. The list works for me, getting me unstuck. I get at least 4 things needing/wanting doing done.

I’ve already gone for my walk this morning. Before that, while it was still relatively cool, I boiled the bamboo leaves for 20 minutes to sanitize them for making sticky rice. I’m waiting for the leaves and water to cool before wiping them down. This method is very labour intensive. I’m breaking it down in daily steps so I can succeed. I love the aroma of the bamboo leaves. I smell it and think sticky rice. I think the process of making the sticky rice will be a good exercise for my brain. I will talk about the next steps tomorrow.

I can feel the heat coming through the sunroom windows even though the blinds are drawn. The house is at 25℃ with the central fan running. I am comfortable though feeling sleepy. Outside it is 29℃ with a 31℃ promised. No thunderstorms in the forecast and none materialized last night. I do not like hot summer days. They drain my energy and mood. They still remind me of childhood days in our small town. Everyone is on holiday and gone out of town. Everyone except the Chinese people with the cafes. It makes me feel as if I have no life.

Funny how feelings and impressions are hard to dispel even if they are erroneous. This time around, having a to do list grounds me. I’m anchored, feet to the ground, a sense of purpose, a sense of direction, a starting point, followed by….and so on and so forth.

A Certain Kind of Light

Posted on July 7, 2026 by hafong

It’s the 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am late coming to the keyboard. Life is busy in this time of my life. My father is almost 95 and every day can be unpredictable. He has congestive heart failure and COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). We spent alot of time at the doctor’s, walk-in clince and ER last year after my mother passed. We were thankful that this year has been much better. Still there are episodes.

Today was a doctor day. We were fortunate that we got an appointment. He has been seen, x-rayed and on medications. He is tough and still interested in life and this world of ours. I think he will be okay. I have accepted that this is what is and that I still have a life to tend to. I will be okay also. It was just a little difficult to manage a wheelchair and doors alone. Lucky for me that there were many friendly hands to help.

After the doctor, we went and renewed our application for wheelchair parking permit for another 3 years. Then it was time for coffee at the mall with our friends. Life is still very good and beautiful. Good friends to have coffee with help. Then there’s my gardens. My front yard is so beautiful. It is hard to described. It is bathed in a certain kind of light in the afternoon. It reminds me of the opening line in the Bee Gees’ To Love Somebody. For all the issues I have with my father, I guess I do love him.

“There’s a light, a certain kind of light, that never shone on me”.

My front yard has been an issue with my neighbour for many years. She objects growing vegetables in the fron yard. She calls my raised beds coffins. She has reported me to the city about my messy yard. The city does not agree with her. Maybe all of this is because she really does not like me. I find that hard to understand because I don’t have a relationship with her. Now in these times I wonder if it is because of the colour of my skin. And I am an immigrant. I feel my yard is breath takingly beautiful in a certain kind of light in the afternoon, weeds and all.

Once Upon a Time

Posted on June 21, 2026 by hafong

A cool rainy Sunday, June 21. The moisture is always a welcome. There’s too much cool and clouds this spring and summer. This is the year like no other in so many ways. First, in the unpredictable weather patterns. Second, in world events, mostly in the United States and the Middle East. I feel slightly unhinged. Real life and age are catching up with me. There are no safe harbours and there is no escape. I must face the music. There is no one I want to talk to about this. So here I am, tapping for my health and sanity.

Once upon a time, there was my mother. Her being there was enough. My world now feels a little wobbly without her. It shows that everyone and everything makes a difference in our lives. It’s only after they’re gone that we notice how and what a big difference they make. I am now living in that awareness. It is not an easy thing. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and just drift away. Everything is a huge effort but I do it and not say I will try. Trying is like hoping. It’s like the saying on a hope and a prayer. It conveys a slight chance of succeeding. I don’t like that.

Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I was full of optimism and energy. I was looking forward to the morning the night before so that I could start doing. I was excited about cross country skiing. I was going out every morning all winter, no matter the temperature. It was so invigorating and so much fun even though I wasn’t very good at it. Now my skis are gathering dust. I am not so excited about mornings. This summer they are mostly cool and cloudy. There is no sun rising at 5ish to wake me up.

Once upon a time, I felt young and robust. Now I feel that those times are past. Though my head doesn’t feel ancient, my body begs to be different. My hands are painful, not just stiff, from morning to night. My hips are grumbling, too. I’m not a cry baby, a complainer. Really, I’m not. I’m just remembering how things used to be, mourning loss youth, opportunities and missing my mother. I am working on how to make this life easier and better. It’s a challenge, I know. That makes it interesting and worthwhile. I am not without hope and prayers. I still dream.

Everything Still Matters

Posted on June 16, 2026 by hafong

After a couple of sunny days, it’s back to clouds again. I am wary that I won’t get swept under them also. Sometimes it is hard to stand your ground. It’s hard to put on a brave face, never mind pasting on a smile. I’m a born melancholy baby. Maybe I don’t need to pretend but I won’t let it all hang out either.

I’m learning to live with my creeping bellflowers. I just did some minor maintenance in the front yard this morning. Keeping up and on top of things can kill you. I’m looking at the big picture and trying not to focus on every little thing. The leaf rollers are a different matter. Last year it was aphids. I don’t know which is worse. These caterpillars are attacking my pepper plants, chewing them up. I’ve been picking them off and squishing them daily. If I don’t, I might have any pepper plants left. This morning I threw a crop cover over them to see if that would help.

I do have some good news. Two of my bitter melons have a bloom each. The garden is doing well despite our strange weather this year. The lettuce is finished in the greenhouse but I am harvesting the new crop in the raised bed outside. The French Breakfast radishes are a beautiful and delicious addition for our salads. Things are not growing as they used to but they’re still growing and providing food for the table. It’s a reminder for myself to adjust and adapt to what is here as best as I can. And never lose hope and belief that everything still matters.

Everything still matters and even more so than ever. I can’t afford to get distracted by all the corruption that is happening down south by Donald Trump and his merry crew. It bothers me so much because it reminds me of what helplessness feels like. I’ve been in that place a few times in this life. It feels very bad when you know things are not correct but you can’t do anything about it. It is the worst kind of helplessness. Even so, it is the best time and opportunity to put your best foot forward. I have to remember what Lao Tzu said. A journey of a thousand mile starts with a single step.

Wonky Weather and Me

Posted on May 18, 2026 by hafong

May 18th. No rain or snow today. But there is a yellow advisory – frost from Environment Canada. How strange! Going to the site, it says severity is moderate. Possible threat to life or property. Freezing temperatures with frost are expected tonight. I would say it is a little over the top. I’ve uncovered the 2 raised beds this morning. I am not sure I have the energy to cover them up again. I will live precariously and take my chances. Right now at 4:20 pm it is sunny at 11℃. In the greenhouse, it is 26.3℃. The vents are opened. I will open the door. Ventilation is good.

It’s hard to go out and do just one thing. I opened the greenhouse door. Then I put the green cart out for curbside pick up in the morning. The rain had left a pile of elm seeds on the walk. I spent some time sweeping them up to put in the green bin. I didn’t think I had the energy so I’m feeling good that I did it and not feeling done in. On the other hand, I’m not feeling terrific either. I don’t feel quite right. I wonder if it is the topsy turvy weather we’re having. I wonder how it affects us physically and emotionally.

I ask Google the question of how does wonky weather affect us physically and emotionally. It answers back with:

“Wonky weather shifts your body and mind out of equilibrium by forcing your biology to constantly adapt to sudden environmental changes. When barometric pressure drops, temperatures skyrocket, or sunlight vanishes, your nervous system, hormone levels, and cardiovascular system react directly.”

So it is not my fault and I am not just weird. Sudden weather changes can trigger bodily symptoms like joint pain and stiffness, headaches and migraines, respiratory issues, fatigue and lethargy. I have the joint pain and stiffness, fatigue and lethargy. Emotionally it can cause irritability and aggression, anxiety and restlessness, depressed mood and SAD, disturbed sleep. I have all of that. Aren’t I lucky? It is good to have confirmation that weather can affect us in these ways. I don’t have to blame myself, feeling deficient and weird.

Rainy, Snowy May Day

Posted on May 17, 2026 by hafong

May 17th. I woke to another snowy morning which turned into a rainy day. It’s hard to feel any hope for anything these days. But the moisture is welcomed. The garlic is loving it. The windows are getting washed without me doing anything. So never say there’s no hope. There is always hope. We just have to work to make it happen.

This morning reading the 2 Heathers, I almost cried over what is happening down south in the USA. One Heather reported on Kash Patel taking a VIP snorkel at USSA Arizona, a Pearl Harbour military cemetry. Both writes of the Selma march for black voting rights. Heather Cox Richardson gives a very detailed history account of the fight for voting rights for the blacks. The fight still has to go on in 2026. This is the part that makes me cry. We are still defined by the colour of our skin.

This is where I am on this rainy/snowy day. I am sleepy and lethargic. I feel discouraged with my weight loss effort though it is barely a week. I almost gave up with the black tea/coffee. I longed for a cup with cream and honey. I said almost. I didn’t give in. I feel small, small results. I’m not feeling as bloated. I’m ok with 1/2 cup cooked rice with my meals and smaller meat portions. I’m doing the veggies. I will hang in for another week and then see.

I’m not making huge progress in other areas either. I’ve long abandoned #the100dayproject of sewing log cabin quilt blocks. My Bernina sewing machine sits idle on the table with my mess of fabric scraps. I’ve been meaning to tidy all that and more but somehow it hasn’t happen. That could be my 100dayproject. I will start it today. I am going to start it today.

May Day and Hope

Posted on May 3, 2026 by hafong

April is gone. Today is May 3. I meant to show up 2 days ago but I never made it. Some days are easier than others. Today is not one of those. The sky is cloudy. I’m heavy with it. I’m saggy and draggy but I’ve started the day. I still start it reading the two Heathers. I’m also reading Nobody’s Girl now that I got it from the library. It’s no wonder that I’m weighed down.

I wish that I’m not so serious minded. I wish that I am more light hearted. But that is not who I am. Whether it is because of genetics or how life shaped me, it’s hard to know. It is probably both. It is not easy being an immigrant child of immigrant parents. Being the oldest is not a cake walk either. I bear/feel the brunt of the responsibility for helping them navigate in an English speaking country. Life was and has been a serious affair. There was/are good times and laughter but not the uproarious kind. Our lives always seemed to me to be smaller than others.

That’s my feelings growing up. You don’t shed those feelings of inadequacy easily. I haven’t. They’re still there somewhere just underneath my skin. Not that I feel like a failure. I know I have done very well. I am a well informed and educated person. I am financially independent. I am retired with many interestests. I am never bored. I am occasionally melancholy. Who isn’t, especially in these times?

And so I come to this space to tap out my melancholy, my angst and sometimes my joys and excitement. I do get those happy exuberant feelings once in awhile, too. It must have been what I felt yesterday. They carried me through a whole day of gardening. I repotted seedlings, cleaned out 3 raised beds in the back yard. I planted 3 cucumbers in the greenhouse and 7 celery in the raised bed. Hope I wasn’t over eager and too early. Hope is a good antidote for melancholy.

How I Am Doing

Posted on April 26, 2026 by hafong

We’re almost at the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Perhaps it’s a good time to see how I have done. Though I haven’t shown up every day, I have been here most days lately. My big goal was to have fun. I am not sure if I am having fun or not. It has been challenging to motivate myself to come to the keyboard. I worked to get here each day. It is good discipline.

I am melancholic by nature. I work to not let it kill the joy in life. Melancholy is not a bad thing. It is restful if I don’t fight it. And so I let go of forcing myself to be bubbling over with joy and excitement. I let myself feel sad but I try not to sit with it. I get up and move. I try to use the time to do the things I’ve been putting off. Things that require no thinking, like cleaning the humidifier, putting in a load of laundry, vacuuming the floor, taking out the trash, writing a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

So, I have a head start on my post this morning, having started it last night. I have a head start on my day. It’s nice to start the day with a clean house/slate. I am not behind. As usual I started the morning reading Heather Delaney Reese and Heather Cox Richardson on what’s going on politically in the U.S. It’s not very uplifting and probably not good for my mental health. I feel I have to stay informed on what’s happening in the world. And I am fascinated by Trump and his people and how they could operate the way they do. Their corruption is sickening. It is important people see it. And so I read every morning.

It is another morning in April. My world is still white but there’s no fresh snow. The greenhouse went down to 2.8℃ last night. It’s up to 3.8℃ now. Hoping for some sunshine soon. Looks like we have to wait till tomorrow.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mental-health