I’ve taken 3 days off from the challenge. It was time for a break/rest. Now let me see if I can hop back on again. We’ve had a long, long stretch of grey and foggy weather. Though it had created some beautiful photographic opportunties, it was wearing on me. Then on Friday the sun returned in all its glory. It was welcomed but it was rather abrupt and bright. My physical body did not like it at all but we limped through it. I felt better the next day and got to enjoy sunny morning ski.
The sun disappeared again after the two days. I think that’s how things will be in our new normal – change, fluctuation and uncertainty. I’m being more mindful so that I can live my best possibel life. It helps if I can identify what makes me feel bad and what makes me feel good. I used to take many things for granted. I never planned much. I never thought much about what I want and didn’t want. I allow things to just happen. Life seemed more stable and secure back then. It was always an illusion. It was comforting.
Now, I can no longer believe in the illusion. Nor do I want to. It would make me more vulnerable and unable to handle life’s little and big problems. I want to develop strength and resilience. I want a life that is meaningful even if it is difficult. Perhaps dealing with all the difficulties gives life meaning. Even though the clouds have returned, I’m finding the silver lining. My mantra borrowed from Regina Brett – No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up – still works for me.
And so that is what I do. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up and do the best I can. Today I got up, dress up and went to my exercise class even though I did not feel like it. I left the class feeling more energetic and alive than when I arrived. I felt content this afternoon cooking up my pumpkins to make puree. Their orange-ness made me feel good. I was totally engaged reading John Grisham’s The Client. My whole being was in the book. I took no notice of the greyness outside. I think I can make my own endorphins.
I think it is what I need to do to stay well and happy. There’s always something that I can do to make things a little better. When I was feeling tough on Friday, I was still able to go to my drawing class. I was able to forget how I was feeling for two hours. I even had fun. It was like playing and I felt well. Play is a valuable tool and it comes in many forms. It’s up to me to discover what they are and have fun at it.
Another morning. Another grey day. Another blank page. How shall I fill it? I’m off to a good start. Made that appointment with SaskEnergy for Thursday. It wasn’t hard. I wonder why I procrastinate, why it feels hard. I’ve been thinking about that word again all day yesterday. I thought about it driving to my exercise class. The traffic was a steady stream and all those piles of snow and the grey sky pressing down on us. I wonder how I managed all that stress driving the same route to work for over 30 years.
I feel grateful that I no longer had to get up at the crack of dawn. I am grateful that I’m not driving down College Drive in the cold and dark to spend 12 hours saving lives and emptying bedpans. I think I’ve earned my dues. I have to retire that hard word again. Put it out of mind and drive in the slow and easy lane. I don’t need any more challenges. I need more ease and more fun. I need to get my kicks on route nice and easy.
How to do it? I think I have to change my mindset. I have to dip my toes into the fun pool slowly, one at a time. It might take me awhile to get comfortable with fun. I’m a serious person. What other people consider ‘fun’ sometimes evoke pain in me. I have to give it some thought on what brings me just simple joy. I went online and google fun things to do. Here’s some possibilities:
Play an instrument
Write a short story
Do a crossword puzzle
Try a board game
Put together a puzzle
Build a snow fort
Write a letter
Become a YouTube star
Unplug my devices
Paint my nails
I think this is a fair list to start on. I think I will shop for a puzzle and some nail polish. I have to remember this is to have fun and not to make it into some kind of challenge. To be sure, I know I will fall off my fun wheel and have to get back on it again time after time.
It is the day before Christmas and not a preparation have I made. Perhaps this year I have stripped off all vistage of the holy season. I am bare naked, without pretense. Aren’t we all this year? Is it such a terrible state to be in? I feel that now that I am bare bone, I can start to cloth/build myself in truths instead of lies and hoaxes. I hope you don’t think I’m being blasphemous. I am not anti God. I am not anti anything. I am back in the desert searching for myself. I have left it for too long.
So now it is Christmas Day and it is almost over. How can you tell I have short attention span? It’s been really short these days. My mind is going every which way. I feel this inner restlessness and agitation. It is not the best time for deep philosophical diggings like what is the meaning of Christmas or do I believe in God. Maybe those answers will reveal themselves in quieter times. For now let’s just chill, which is just what we did last night. We went for a moonlight ski after supper and a glass of chokecherry wine. It was a beautiful night. The streets were quiet and lit up. Everyone was home. We could see them through the windows. I heard It Came Upon a Midnight Clear playing in my head.
It was the best thing that we did. We had the park almost to ourselves except for a father and his kids tobogganing on the hill. It was beautiful and serene in the dark of the evening. We had enough lighting from the street lights, the houses around and the headlights on our toques. It was good to rest those serious troublesome thoughts of mine. I was busy concentrating on the physical act of staying upright on two sticks. I am getting better and more confident. I will never become a fast or an olympic skier. But I am learning to have fun. I will leave my deep thoughts and writing for another day.
This little train doesn’t go far from home. I’m a bit of a homebody, enjoying the comfort and ease of not wandering afar. I do feel somewhat lacking when almost everybody wants to escape to somewhere else – Mexico, Cuba, Arizona, Kansas City. And here I am, feeling a bit amiss. I feel as if I should be somewhere else. Everywhere I go, I hear people talking of going south. In the locker room the other day, I heard women talking about air flights and rooms costing only $79 US/night. Should I be going somewhere, anywhere? I really should put those feelings to rest and be comfortable with where and who I am.
The fact is I like being home at my keyboard. I like tapping out my words and thoughts. I love curling up and reading a book. My Bernina sewing machine, my paints and easel and the fireplace have been calling me. If only I could make the time for them. The day goes by so quickly. I wonder why I worry so much about not going somewhere else. I love being home – baking bread, making kimchi, watching Sheba sleep. Why do I feel my life lacks compared to others? Why am I looking out instead of within?
My wheels are turning. I haven’t found all the answers yet but I have a better awareness of my behaviour and feelings. I have an inkling of my problem and what direction this train should be heading – and it’s toward more light heartedness. I can have fun. Here’s the proof, 39 seconds of hula hoop fun. My goal is 1 minute.
It’s that tapping hour in my afternoon. I had a very good sleep last night. Having gone to bed at 9:30, I was awake by 5 am. and out of bed before 6. Having sleep and quiet time to myself in the morning makes a huge difference to my well-being and equanimity. The rains and clouds have gone. The sun has emerged with its warmth. I am sipping Orange Pekoe tea, my comfort drink. It’s difficult to change my likes and dislikes. It’s not that I dislike Moringa tea. I like Orange Pekoe more. I will ease into the Moringa tea ceremony slowly. Tomorrow I will give it another go.
My throat is still scratchy. The cough was maddening last night. I decided to use my Nasonex spray for a few days. It’s helping some. The Weather Network confirms that pollen count is high. It seems I’m a fairly accurate weather and pollen barometer. I should learn to doubt less and trust myself more on so many fronts.
The beat and art goes on. I haven’t had much time to do any sewing on my Mrs. Bernina other than cleaning and lubricating her. Once in awhile I run some random stitches just to feel how smooth she purrs. It calms and gives me a bit of a high at the same time. I’m weird, know. I like the sound of the scissors cutting the thread when I push the icon button. It’s my first luxury item. I’m just learning to drive in the self-love lane.
It feels and is a busy summer but I’m going to join Daisy Yellow’s Index-Card-A-Day Challenge, June 1- July 31, 2018 as well as keeping up with 365 Somethings 2018. These challenges are so helpful in the creative process AND so much fun. It’s not a do or die thing. It’s at my own pace. When I push myself, surprising and exciting things happen. I’m aiming to explore different mediums and themes. I like to see if I can break out of habits of being myself. I want to explode into a different un-me of expressing. I could learn to be a little daring like Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo.