I’ve taken 3 days off from the challenge. It was time for a break/rest. Now let me see if I can hop back on again. We’ve had a long, long stretch of grey and foggy weather. Though it had created some beautiful photographic opportunties, it was wearing on me. Then on Friday the sun returned in all its glory. It was welcomed but it was rather abrupt and bright. My physical body did not like it at all but we limped through it. I felt better the next day and got to enjoy sunny morning ski.
The sun disappeared again after the two days. I think that’s how things will be in our new normal – change, fluctuation and uncertainty. I’m being more mindful so that I can live my best possibel life. It helps if I can identify what makes me feel bad and what makes me feel good. I used to take many things for granted. I never planned much. I never thought much about what I want and didn’t want. I allow things to just happen. Life seemed more stable and secure back then. It was always an illusion. It was comforting.
Now, I can no longer believe in the illusion. Nor do I want to. It would make me more vulnerable and unable to handle life’s little and big problems. I want to develop strength and resilience. I want a life that is meaningful even if it is difficult. Perhaps dealing with all the difficulties gives life meaning. Even though the clouds have returned, I’m finding the silver lining. My mantra borrowed from Regina Brett – No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up – still works for me.
And so that is what I do. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up and do the best I can. Today I got up, dress up and went to my exercise class even though I did not feel like it. I left the class feeling more energetic and alive than when I arrived. I felt content this afternoon cooking up my pumpkins to make puree. Their orange-ness made me feel good. I was totally engaged reading John Grisham’s The Client. My whole being was in the book. I took no notice of the greyness outside. I think I can make my own endorphins.
I think it is what I need to do to stay well and happy. There’s always something that I can do to make things a little better. When I was feeling tough on Friday, I was still able to go to my drawing class. I was able to forget how I was feeling for two hours. I even had fun. It was like playing and I felt well. Play is a valuable tool and it comes in many forms. It’s up to me to discover what they are and have fun at it.
I think I’m apt to scream soon. Another heavily foggy day with no end in sight. No, that’s not correct. There’s a bit of sun forecasted for Friday. Though I am out and about, the grey is making me restless and antsy. I wonder how it is affecting others. Perhaps I should have made 2 rounds on the ski trail this afternoon. It would have tired me to calmness. Tomorrow is another day – of more clouds. I will have plenty of practice dealing with greyness and restlessness. I can save the screaming, too, for another day. At least I am not depressed.
So what can I do instead? I was going to do some tidying and putting away but I felt more restless and irritable just looking at my mess of things. I cancelled that idea. I’m really not in the mood to write a post but here I am, tapping away on the keyboard. I’m not soothed yet. Maybe I need to slow down so it’s more rhythmic. I think I need to dim the lights a bit. The brightness is stimulating me too much. I can feel my heart rate in my fingertips. I wonder if the weather can change our chemistry. It sure affects me.
I can make a list of things to do for tomorrow.
Phone SaskEnergy for an appointment for them to come and change the meter.
Deposit the cheque from the government.
Renew my driver’s license.
Meet the girls for breakfast.
I feel a little calmer having made the list. Supper is soon. I will have a small glass of wine. Yes, I do feel better. No screaming necessary. I will let all that extra energy flow out through my fingertips.
A little while ago, I was thinking that I’ve been feeling and doing quite well. I haven’t had my usual miseries of sinus problems, aches and pains and the blues for a long time. Be careful of what you think! Lo and behold, my said maladies paid me a visit. Maybe it’s not my thoughts that brought them forth. Rather, I was receiving advance warnings of their imminence. I like to think it was that.
It’s so cloudy today and oh my gosh, I’m so tired! Complaining again. It makes me feel better just to let it all out. It’s only here, in my own space. Who else would give a care? I’m sure they’re probably feeling the same. It serves me right taking 2 weeks off, sitting on duff – well, not entirely the whole time. Sheba and I still had our daily walks. Goes to show a daily walk with the dog is not much exercise even in freezing rain. It’s good we’ve gone and come. I’m warming up with my tea. She’s laid out on her bed quiet as can be. Shhh!
I’m trying to organize my thoughts. I didn’t think a swim on Sunday and an hour of aerobics yesterday would cause me such fatigue. But it has. The clouds adds to it. But that is my life, like it or not. I’m trying to make it work better. How can I make my life smoother and more productive with my energy level? I’m listening to some of my own ideas. Re-scheduling activities to different time slots and see how that works. Someone wrote a post on recyling old content for a fresh and new article. I could use the idea for other things besides writing.
Daisy Yellow has pointers on the 365 Something Projects. I am on my Day 8 of the project. Doing something creative every day does lead to more creativity. Things get easier and flow starts. I will have to apply that ‘do something every day’ to organizing my desk, the dining table where I do my 365 Somethings Project, my painting studio, my sewing space – in other words, the whole house! Maybe I could chart my progress here. That would make me accountable. I shall do it! I am already trying to pick up and put away as I go along today. Does that get points for me?
A few days have lapsed since day 2002. My needs are still the same. I am still a clutterbug. The difference is I feel empowered. No longer quite as helpless. No longer a victim. I can help myself. I can work my way out of a wet paper bag if need to. I am learning and progressing in my year of doing different.
Sometimes you just have to stare fear right in the eye. It’s better than being trapped in helplessness, shaking like a leaf in the wind. Some things you cannot change or avoid. That’s all there is to it. You might as well face the music and do the things you most dread – taking/being responsible. You might find it the most freeing thing. The shackles open and fall off. You can move, think and have a plan of action. You find yourself smiling and feeling pliant, moving to your heart’s demands.
On days like these, the sun is always shining. Life is clear as crystal. You can see and feel through all sides of your life. You feel blessed and wondered why you have fought against all of this so hard. This moment is so peaceful. You see all the smiles and kindness bestowed without asking.
It is fleeting. You accept it, knowing it will come again and again. It is the nature of the universe. Our days on earth are short and breathtakingly beautiful as well as painful. Storm clouds gather at the horizon. But there’s always a silver lining. Look for it.
The world did stop and I stepped off the grid for a few days. Life was spinning too fast for me. I pressed the pause button for a breather. We can do that, you know. I am not/don’t want to be an EverReady battery, going on and on. I get a headache when I see and hear the drummer boy toy soldier beating his drum. Rat-a-ta-ta! I am happy to be a human being, flawed and stalled – for a little while.
Getting a recharge is wonderful – like a coffee/tea break. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been struggling through this last week of cloudy October days. I’ve kept a stiff upper lip and my chin up. But enough is enough already! God heard and gave us a sun shiny afternoon yesterday – a respite.
A little respite, a cup of tea is enough to put that tiger/growl back in my tank. It can bring me back to my keyboard. It is soothing to feel and hear the rhythm of the tap, tap beneath my fingertips. It feels good to sit in the weak October sunlight. A little dab will do me. I will put on my makeup, put on some earrings and smile.
The rains almost came, the sky heavy with dark clouds. But they receded as the sun competed for attention.
I am trying to write my few words but my own cloud is fighting to be heard. Patiently I sit, waiting for the tug of war to subside. It is not easy. It is not hard. I just have to sit and tap out one word at a time. I do not have to clever. I do not have to be funny. I just have to tell it as it is.
So how is it? When I think it is SO hard to do this and that, I am surprised to find that it isn’t so. When you make a start, one thing follows another. Before you know it, the thing is done. I am proud of myself. You could say I am bragging now. Why not? I have to give myself credit because I know how hard it is when the clouds grab a hold of you.
I used to live in wait – for the shoe to drop. It was a relief when it did and nothing else happened. No disaster. No headless monsters. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let the clouds stay their while.
I do not try to ease my pain. It is painful. My throat is tight and unyielding. My limbs heavy and limp at the same time. Everything hurts, even my eyeballs. Have you ever felt like that? I do not try to call or make dates with friends. No use burdening others and most likely no one will be home.
That has been my experience. No one is home in those times for me. It is more empowering that I be home for myself. So, I put my head down and put one foot in front of the other and MOVE, at whatever speed I can. Life is hard sometimes. You have to give yourself a break and a pat on the back once in awhile. You have to brag once in a while, often. Go ahead. Do it.
The day is heavy with clouds. They press down on my shoulders with their weight much like the secrets in my heart. I inhale and exhale, shrugging my shoulders, throwing off unwanted burdens. Clouds, clouds, go away. Come back another day.
I had not known they were there – the secrets, till I felt their presence knotting up my heart. They demanded to be heard, to be reckoned with. I had no choice but to bring them out into the light of my consciousness.
I’m digging in my garden. With each weed that comes out, the knot is looser, the weight coming off little by little. I can breathe easier and I can see what I would not before. Life and gardens are like that. You can’t see the truth for all the weeds. You have to weed them out, however painful it is.
In the end, hard work will pay off and you will be awed by the fruits of your labour, however small they may be. God is always paying attention.
The clouds can get to me. Their shifting shadows feel ominous, giving me a sense of impending doom. It feels as if someone is walking on my grave. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. It never has.
I’ve learned to live with this holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop – waiting to wake up from my free fall through space and hitting the ground. I never have. And so, I’m braver now. I have wings and I can almost fly. No heavy landing for me, thank you very much.
Still, the clouds can make my heart skip a beat at times. But that is okay. I flutter my wings a bit to calm it and carry on. There’s early bike rides with Sheba trotting by my side. She needs someone ahead to chase after or else she digs her heels in and say, No! We ride when the sun shines or not. I feel like a postman.
The sun is shining now. It has been playing hide and seek with the clouds all day. I am playing along with both of them. Whatever works! The rain has made the ground nice and soft to dig. It is a good opportunity to clean up my much neglected and overgrown perennial beds.
I’m hoping they will look better in a month or two. Digging and clearing is good therapy. I’m cleaning my inner space along with my outer space.
Sunday evening and I’m sitting here with a glass of wine, not one thought in my head, no idea at all for this post. Some days can be like that and it’s all good. Today after all is a day of rest.
It started out so full of promise and sunshine. I rejoiced and smiled. I settled myself in the love seat in the sunroom. I read a couple of chapters from a new romance. Oh, such luxury and indulgence, reading for just pure leisure. I sipped my tea. Life is good.
Sheba and I headed out for our gentle jog. We stopped at my mother’s along the way. Sheba thought that was great because she knows that she will get lots of attention and treats. We always had a good time at mom’s.
It started snowing on the way home – big fluffy flakes. The sun disappeared. It was not what we want but it was a pretty scene.
Life can be like that – unpredictable and disappointing at times. But still there is beauty and goodness in it. You have to roll along with the clouds and be ready to shine when the sun comes out.
I’m sitting here tap, tapping away on my keyboard. The words are spilling from my fingertips. I hope they will be good words. I hope the words are healing words. I am not always sure what will come out. I am only sure that it is better they come out than fester inside of me. We know that splinters hurt. It is best that they are dug out than left to infect.
I am not saying that all bad things hurt. Sometimes they are guidance from above. They are examples of where we have erred. It is hard to face our own mistakes until it glaringly shows up in others. It hits you in the belly and you feel the air go out. Ahhhh! The famous light bulb moment. Oh, THAT is me. So, THAT is what I have been doing. You are ever so grateful that now you see.
So do not ever despair of bad days or cloudy days. They, too, will pass and under every cloud, there IS a silver lining. All you have to do is look.