letting go

BITTER MELON, SOUR GRAPES

I am having some difficulty letting go of my neighbour encounter. I still have that bitter and sour taste of the worst kind. I’m bitter because of my own stupidity of engaging with a mentally sick person and letting her get under my skin. It’s hard because she is not the kind mentally ill that gets lock up but the kind that gets special considerations. Life is not fair, never is and never will be. I better just suck it up and be more conscious and wary. I am of the vulnerable sort that gets taken in by sad stories and tears. They know I am a sucker bearing gifts of sympathy, help and sometimes money. I once gifted a friend under a guise of a loan of a couple of thousand dollars. She had asked me to cosign a huge loan for her. I couldn’t do it. I felt guilty refusing so the loan/gift. She rewarded me by asking some time later, How much was it that I had given her? She could not remember. The things that sour a relationship.

They say to be truly generous you give without expectations and no strings attached. Obviously I haven’t reached the truly level. I would like some gratitude and remembrance. I hate being the lone caretaker of a relationship. But then, I brought it on myself. I have no one else to blame. Another time, another friend, and another incident. This friend wanted to pay me back for my kindness to her. She often hung out at my place because all she had was just one room while she was getting her computer science degree. She wanted to pay my train fare to visit her in Toronto where she got a new job. I declined the free rain fare but took up the visit. The first thing she said to me when I stepped off the train was: You’re going to cost me a fortune just in toilet paper to keep you.

Not a very auspicious beginning. It had no good beginning. I ended up flying home in not too many days. And yet I still try to maintain the friendship for a few more years before I packed it in. I truly have a hanging on problem. I brought it all upon myself. Now that I have spilled all the bitterness and sourness onto the page, I hope I can start a new page. I am a good person. I need to value myself, time and energy better. I do feel so much better having unload some of the shit. And though I felt the least inclined to exercising today, I went. The mobility class at the YWCA was excellent. Working on hip movements chased all those ugly feelings emanating from that wretched neighbour woman. It helps to surround oneself with positive and kind people. I was doing something good for my body and soul. The negative stuff are now just water under the bridge.

STUMBLES, HICCOUGHS and LETTING GO

LETIING GO

Another beautiful morning for the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Welcome to my space. I thought I would lay a few bricks for today’s post before I get too caught up in the cobwebs of daily life. I am feeling brighter and more energetic since I’ve joined the challenge. Having a goal adds purpose to my day. I look forward each day to sitting here with my cuppa and sharing my thoughts and words with you. November is not only a writing month but a month of hope. I am taking advantage of Sounds True’s free 4 day event on Activating Hope. Jane Goodall is a keynote speaker. That says it all for me.

It is interesting to learn that Jane had no experience or degree when she started work as a secretary with Louis Leakey And my renowned art professor, Dorothy Perehudoff, had a degree in biology before she took up art. I still have time to become a good artist or whatever. We are not just one thing. We are always evolving and there are more than one destination on our life journey. Being such, there’s bound to be a few hiccoughs and stumbles along the way. Jane Goodall was no exception. Though she had many awards and recognition, she had criticisms as well. She was accused of plagarism in her book, Seeds of Hope. She acknowledged, apologized and move on.

“On 22 March 2013, Hachette Book Group announced that Goodall’s and co-author Gail Hudson’s new book, Seeds of Hope, would not be released on 2 April as planned due to the discovery of plagiarised portions.[87] A reviewer for The Washington Post found unattributed sections that were copied from websites about organic tea, tobacco, an “amateurish astrology site”, as well as from Wikipedia.[88] Goodall apologised and stated, “It is important to me that the proper sources are credited, and I will be working diligently with my team to address all areas of concern. My goal is to ensure that when this book is released it is not only up to the highest of standards, but also that the focus be on the crucial messages it conveys.”[89] The book was released on 1 April 2014, after review and the addition of 57 pages of endnotes.[90]“

That is what I must do also for my stumbles and hiccoughs – move on. They are not failures. They are lessons to stop falling into the same rabbit hole again and again. I am a slow learner. I hang onto things and people like my Sheba with a bone. There’s no wisdom in doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. No wonder I feel like a gerbil on a wheel. I can’t believe how long I keep telling the same story over and over. Now that I had my moment of recognition, of knowing, of seeing how and why I’ve been treading water all these long years, I need to adopt a new course of action. I need to let go of things that no longer serve me. I need to tell a new story.

CEREMONIES/RITUALS – a season for everything

It is August 13 and day 13th of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. As usual of late, I am having difficulty finding the words. My brain is in a fog and my body slow moving. I am feeling the harbingers of summer leaving and autumn approaching. I felt a sudden twinge of the ‘blues’ and a sense of dread out of nowhere yesterday. Can you feel darkness? That’s what I felt, not seen and not spoken of. I gave myself silent comfort, thinking it is probably the changing of the guard – those forces that are ushering in a new season. Perhaps I should hold a ceremony of a sort.

I believe in ceremonies/rituals. They give me a sense of connection, direction and a reason to be. Every morning this summer I do a walk-about on my property, visiting the greenhouse, the garden and flower beds in the backyard. Then I meandered to the front to see how everything is growing there. This is my morning walking meditation – the greeting and giving of thanks to the gods above and those in the garden.

I’m learning important lessons in the garden this year. We are all familiar with the saying, There’s a season for everything but do we really understand what it really means? For one thing, I have forgotten that the saying came from the Bible, from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every [a]purpose under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What I take away from it is everything is changing. Nothing is static. I must learn not to hang on to everything so tightly as I have been doing, but to let go when it is time. There’s a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted. And so I plucked up the Armenian cucumber vine. It was past its best by due date. It has given me many cucumbers and now its leaves are full of white powdery mildew. Letting go is never easy. After trimming off much of the leaves, it took me another day before I could say goodbye. Now it is chopped up and in a bucket for the garbage as mildew is not suitable for the compost. Everything looks much better now. The bitter melon and peppers said thank you for the extra elbow room and light.

TIME

I’m having trouble finding time to show up here every day. All my growing things seem to be calling me. I was heading downstairs to pot up the petunia seedlings, but the call of the sun and warmth of the sunroom won out. So here I am, sitting and tapping a few words. I’m trying not to let my thoughts wandered and raced, thinking of how much I have to do. I take a deep breath, sip my hot ginger water, relax my shoulders and slow my tap to a steady rhythm. I rest my fingers on the keyboard, feeling the morning sun on my face. R-E-L-A-X.

No need to rush around like mad. Everything will be done in good time. What is not isn’t important. Be in this moment. Savour and enjoy for this moment will not come again. Be thankful for each fleeting second and breath. See the beauty and colours around you. Listen to the silence and the noise. Close your eyes and see yourself letting go of everything for just a minute. Now I’m ready to step back in – and go to work.

DAY 4 UBC – LET ME NOT WASTE TIME

Let me not waste time

My goal today is not to waste so much time pondering on things that I do not understand. There are some/many things that my understanding or not adds zilch to my quality of life. It is an addiction and a flaw of mine. I know I cannot possibly put myself into someone else’s head and figure out their mechanics. It is perhaps that impossibility that hooks me. It is a job. It’s that shepna Pema Choedron talks about. It is why weI suffer. I have work ahead of me to do. Today is another first day of the rest of my life.

I have already squandered away part of an hour investigating someone else’s behaviour. It is mine that is in question. I’m the only one that I can control and change. How could I possibly get into another’s head. How can I understand how their mechanics work? How stupid is that when it matters not? The mystery is the hook. The solution is not to bite. So I take a deep breath and let go of the hook. It is not that interesting. It is just a habit of mine, wanting to understand everything, thinking everything has to do with me. It does not. I am not all that powerful.

Onward and forward I march towards my goal. How do I overcome my lassitude? Is it physical or psychological? Does it matter which? I don’t need to figure it out. In the end, it is physical action/movement that will get me there. I’m sticking to what works for me. Regina Brett’s advice, no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up, works for me. It’s what keeps me coming back to the page. Now I have to apply that principle to the rest of the day.

It helps that I can understand my physical and emotional self. I know I have this lassitude. I can while the day away on the couch doing nothing. I wouldn’t feel the better for it. Or I can bite the bullet and bear the discomfort, put in a little effort and rise to the moment. I have done that. So the sheets are changed. The bed is made with fresh linen. The old ones are being laundered and dried. The 2nd pail of concord grapes are washed and draining, to be process later. I have tulip and lily bulbs to be planted. I better do that today while the sun is shining.

It is and it isn’t really hard to unhook myself from unanswerable questions. I just have to ask myself what does it matter knowing or not knowing. How would that change or add anything to my life? That would stop my ponderings, chewings and regurgitating endlessly. There’s a beautiful world out there to enjoy.

THE COLOUR OF MY DAYS

Here I am. I’m finally showing up after all the things I’ve said and done. I haven’t been living up to my written words. I’ve been tired and overwhelmed, caught up in no emergencies, but everyday life. All of a sudden, or so it seemed, I realized that I was stressed, smothered and snowed under. What other s word can I think of?

Here’s the thing. I had to stand back and let things go. I did get up, dress up and show up. What I couldn’t do was the doing part. I still held this space in my thoughts. Empty spaces are necessary. Silence has its beauty. We all need a break for something new to come in. I’m glad for having given myself this stretch of emptiness and silence. I’m more restful and peaceful now. My head was screaming and screeching something fierce. It took me a long time to hear it.

These last few days of October have been beautiful. The blue skies, the sunshine, the autumn leaves. I felt one with the universe. Sheba and I enjoyed longer afternoon walks, drinking and storing the ambience for lesser days. I’m making hay while the sun shines. I’m learning to take the good fortune when the opportunity comes. I’m learning to let go when I need to.

GIVING THANKS

 

Thanksgiving Monday. All is well. The snow is falling gently on the spruce trees. The Buddhas sits unperturded, breathing in and out, beneath their branches. The earth is in repose, having worked hard all these days. I hear its rhythmic breathing along with the Buddhas. I do likewise. In 1 2 3 4. Hold 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. Out 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. It’s so restful. Letting it all go.

For all the talk about letting go, I’ve just come to understand what it means. I suppose it’s the same with so many things. As we grow older, gathering moss and wisdom, our perceptions shift along with our body parts. We are the same and yet not the same. I see that now. There’s no need to berate myself for being stupid, dumb and all the other things. If I had known better back then, I would have done better then. But I didn’t. So here I am now. Resting. Restoring. Relaxing.

I’m giving thanks for the life I have. I’m grateful for this journey of hardships and wonderment. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to grasp that I was born a village girl in China, delivered by a midwife at home. Born but with no piece of paper called a birth certificate. I, myself am testament enough. Look at where I am now. Maybe that’s why I rant so much. I’ve been crying, I’m here! I’m here! all my life. It is to be heard. I like to say I will rant no more, but that’s most unlikely.

But I AM understanding and knowing about letting go. I’m learning from nature. Every year when it is time, the trees let go of their leaves, the flowers give up their blooms to seeds. The plants and animals go into hibernation. Now, when it is time for me to let go of ‘stuff’, I close my eyes and see myself as a tree, dropping its leaves. I hear Nat King Cole singing, Autumn Leaves.

WORDS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

I’m on a 7 hour countdown with WordPress. I’ve decided to end my personal plan and go back to the free one. Nothing much changes except I’m not paying now. My handle is still athousandandtwo with a .wordpress added after and before the .com. Of course my media storage space is cut back to 3GB from 6. I wasn’t using much of the extra space these 2 years that I’ve had the plan. So what’s the point?

I know, a picture is worth a thousand words and they do speak to me. There’s whole conversations in a photo. Not everyone can hear them though. Words can speak just as well if not louder. I’m making a choice now. I’m choosing the written word. It’s not as if I’m giving up the whole picture. I still have 3 GBs of them at my disposal. But perhaps now that I have chosen the word, I can work on getting one thousand of them. It’s a worthy goal.

I can see the benefits of reaching beyond myself. It will boost my self esteem to prove that I’m not just a one or two liner girl. I can write more than just Hallmark greeting cards. That’s nothing to sneeze at either, if I can sell them. Secondly, working on more words could help slow down and organize my attention deficit brain. Having the goal would give me purpose in coming to this space. I’ve been mostly sighing and whining about this and that. Who wants to listen to that? I tire and bore myself.

So now I’m down to 5 hours before I’m booted back to the not so professional version of WordPress. My words will stay the same. I still give them equal and careful thought before hitting the PUBLISH button. My proof reading is not superb. Having an attention deficit brain, my eyes run ahead before the words can register. My thoughts skip all over the place, too. I work on pulling eyes and attention back to this page, to this moment, to this purpose.

I’ve been sitting every morning in meditation with Mark Williams on Youtube. I’ve been doing it since July. Sometimes I hear myself thinking with his British accent ..”and if you should find yourself…” It works. When I do find myself wondering off, I bring myself back to the breath, to the moment. Deliberate practice does make for better. It’s enough to encourage me to continue my practice. My moods and thoughts are getting healthier. Whenever I find my thoughts veering off in the wrong direction, I try to picture them as clouds passing in the sky. I let go of the emotions they stir in me though I do feel the resistence. I tell myself it is the right thing to do.  I send them back into the clouds passing in the sky. I feel the turnaround, the resistence melting away, the letting go of bad thoughts and feelings.

Now, WordPress tells me I have 4 hours left. I can still renew by paying. No, I’m keeping it simple and free. Hopefully I will still be here, in this my special tapping space.

 

 

 

 

 

IF I SHOULD DISAPPEAR

I’m trying to make life simple again. I can’t believe how complicated and cluttered it could get. Everything starts out simple enough but everyone wants you to upgrade to the executive membership, to the premier plan, to the delux model. I could go on and on. Well, I have had enough. I will give up my Costco executive membership. I will go back to my free WordPress plan. So if I should disappear, you will know what happened. I’ve been getting reminders and notices that if I don’t renew my domain and personal plan, you might not find me again!

It is all very frightening when it is coming at me like that – to lose my word space. When I really think about it, it is not such a big deal. I hang onto things too much and too tightly. It will be good to lose the fear and live a little. If my onethousandandtwo.com disappears, I can always create a new space. It will be an adventure, creating a new space. What will I call it? What will be different? I have 6 days left to think about it. But I suspect this space will still be here somehow.

I’m enjoying a small spell of energy and flow lately. It’s wonderful to feel the flow of life, as if it is moving, going somewhere. I haven’t had the feeling for a long, long time. I will try to keep it going. I’ve been putting in an extra effort, reining myself in when I feel myself reverting to reacting in the same ineffectual manners of old. I take that pause in my head to talk to myself. You don’t want to do the same old, same old, I tell myself. You can do better even if you don’t like it. And I could. One victory at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time.

And here I am at the end of another day. I am still in a midst of clutter but I am working at it. I’ve decluttered my head. It’s thinking clearly again. I’ve peeled off layers and layers of useless thinking. I’ve deleted a lot of useless photos and videos from my phone. They’ve done their job. Time to let them go. And it is time for me to go, too.

JUST RANTING

No two days are equal. Today is not a good day. Nor is it a bad day. It’s just that I am feeling heavy. Do you know what I mean? I am not sure that I do either. You could say I’m treading water, keeping my head above the waterline. I wish I am more buoyant. I am getting tired. I think I am coming down with something.

Even so, it is difficult to rest, to let things be. I have this feeling, compulsion to do, to get ahead, to accomplish. I wonder if it’s me or is it the society we live in. Have I bought into or have I been brainwashed into the idea that I have to be useful, productive, blah, blah, blah. I really like to rest awhile like in the olden days, guilt free. I’m starting to feel flu like. My eyes and nose are dry like sandpaper. My head a bit achy. My body heavy and weighed down like a big sandbag. Even my hands feel flu-ish and achy.

So, why don’t I just give everything a rest? I feel somewhat programed like an EverReady battery. I feel pushed to GO, GO, GO. It’s no wonder that when I get sick, I get SICK. A couple of months ago, I had a summer cold. It lasted a month. I coughed and coughed the whole month. I think I better smarten up, ease up, drink lots of fluids and REST. I should not think so much. I should learn to let go and let be.