There’s no denying myself. I am what I am though I would like to be a little different. I would like to be more organized, tidier, more timely, more mellow, more energetic, more of many things. I said I would like to be. I did not say I aspire. If I did, I would be more successful than just wishing for. One does not get by yearning. One must do.

I must learn to aspire to do whatever I wish for. Or else I must accept my repeated echoes of my daily failures – wishing for a different outcome by doing the same thing. It is what Dr. Phil and other head doctors call insanity. It seems simple enough. Change what I do. But is it that simple? So easy to fall back into the default mode, doing the same old, same old. What to do next?

It would help to make a list of changes I want to see. Make one change at a time and work on it for a week. Then add another change and work on it for a week. And so on and on. I must get on it tomorrow and make my list. Then proceed from there, building one thing at a time and adding on. I can do it. The alternative is living in daily disarray, wasting time and energy looking and searching for things, trying to get on top of the game, feeling guilty, feeling incompetitent, feeling lousy, feeling d-r-a-g-g-e-d out. You get the picture.

I aspire to be organized, tidy, focused and on top of things so I can relax and have some nothing times. I aspire to have some empty times when I’m not thinking of ‘doing’ constantly. The only time I’m not doing is 20 minutes in the morning when I’m meditating. I want MORE. There! The end of day 19 of UBC and another video featuring Sheba.