doing my best

WEDNESDAY WRITING TIME

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Another writing day and I’m sitting empty of thoughts and words. The world is too strange now. Another shooting in the US of A. Another 18 year old shooting his grandmother and then went on a rampage at an elementary school. He killed 19 students, aged 9 and 10 and 2 teachers. Who can make sense of this? And how can you grasp that there is no talk of changing gun control laws by those who can? Are guns more important than lives of children and teachers?

Well, that’s my little rant. I got it out of my system. These shootings are frequent repeaters, aren’t they? Should we be getting used to them now since nothing changes no matter how horrific they are? It is very strange to me. And strange, too, how we are riveted by the dramas of the rich and famous, myself included. I am at this moment talking about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. I am not for one or the other. I do think Johnny Depp looks a bit scary. I wonder why we are so fascinated. Having seen this seamy side of their lives, I do not envy their fame or money at all. Darn! FB has distracted me again with a scandal about Bob Hope and his mistress, Doris Day. Bob Hope and Doris Day. For christ sake! I will practice restraint and read it later.

So now what? How shall I move around in this strange world of ours? There’s nothing to do but carry on, not as usual but with more awareness and care. Everything we do matters. Every minute counts. I shall try not to fritter my time, my attention and my energy away in despair or indifference. If I try my best of the moment, that’s all I can ask of myself. My best today was getting up, dressing up and showing up for my exercise class, shopping for groceries and doing some gardening. I planted a few cabbages at the community garden and some squash at home. I still have alot to plant but that’s enought for today. Now, I am showing up here with a few words and thoughts to end my day.

DISTRACTIONS – Spammers, Scammers, Movie Stars

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It rained overnight. There’s water running down the street. The sky is cloudy but the sun is breaking through. It is 4℃ now with a predicted high of 8℃ down from yesterdays 16℃. How strange our weather. How strange our world – full of scammers and spammers. To date, I have won 4 free iPhones on Instagram. The only people that phones me nowadays are strangers with warnings of dire things if I don’t do this or that. Is there anything real or true any more? Just this morning, I learned of a big real estate scam right here in my city of Saskatoon. Can you believe it – Saskatoon, Canada, home of very nice people. Scammed by 2 nice energetic young women.

I’m so easily distracted. One scammer phone call and I’m falling off the track. I guess it’s in our nature. They know human nature and use it well. I try not to hold it against myself and give myself some slack. I always get hooked, thinking I’ll just click it once, but you know what happens. Pretty soon one click after another I find out the whole story about Bruce Willis, Annette Funicello, so on and on. I have this urge now to go back and read what Anne Lamott has to say about being 68 years old. But I can wait till I finish this post. I do have some will power. I’ve reschedule my Wordle time from morning to later, too.

I do wonder how much time I do spend on things that are of no consequences. I’m taking this as a cue to review and refresh my goals for this Ultimate Blog Challenge, #the100dayproject and April Love. It’s nice to get ‘likes’ and more traffic for these challenges but it is not my #1 goal. My writing space has always been a breathing, meditative space for me. It continues to be that during the UBC and the opportunity to improve my content and writing skills. Content is about what resonates with me and hopefully helpful to others. It is tempting when time is short and I am tired, to cut corners and plop anything down, just to fill the page. If that is the case, it would be better to take a rest and skip the day.

As for #the100dayproject, I have to remember that a daily draw/watercolour is also to improve my skills. I have finished day 52. It can become a habitual activity. I can forget my purpose and not focus on working on my problem areas. The same with Susannah Conway’s April Love. I have to say though I do have an eye for taking and choosing a photo. They tell me a story just as words can paint a picture. Not every day, post, painting or photo are equal. Some are better than others but if I do my best for the day for the effort, it will be enough. I can live with those results.

SHOW AND TELL

I have become sodden with the summer heat. I can’t remember when I have shown up here. I no longer feel familiar with the word. The only thing I can do these days is water the greenhouse and gardens and watch Poirot on YouTube. I believe I am addicted to the peculiar little detective. I had to force myself away to come to the keyboard. Thinking and creating is so hard to do. I gave up on the index-card-a-day challenge after 40 days. It’s over tomorrow. I’m short 21 days. That doesn’t mean I have to give up. I can still finish it on my own time schedule. Do I have it in me?

It’s been a tough summer. It’s been a tough year. It’s a tough time all around. Nothing is like it used to be. Hasn’t it always been that way? We’re more aware now because Covid-19 changed everything. We have to change our ways of living on this planet. Yes, change is exhausting and I am exhausted but grateful at the same time. No, I can’t cry, Woe is me! because we are all in this together. I’m learning to suck it up, bolster myself and move forward as best as I can.

I have signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge of writing a post a day for the month of August. A commitment is a good prod in the right direction. I do take these challenges seriously. Here’s hoping I have enough stick-with-it to show up here every day this month. If I don’t have the words, I can do show and tell on what and how things are showing up in the greenhouse and garden. My goal for this challenge is showing up each day. It is a given that content and presentation are still very important to me. I will strive to do my best but it is not a do or die.

ACCEPTANCE CAN BE A HARD THING

We’re having a good day of rain. It started in the night and it is still continuing on. Hooray, what a long wait it has been! I’m feeling very sleepy. It would be much easier to have a nap than write a post. However, this is the 24th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have fallen behind on this and on the100daychallenge. I must push past my sleepiness. This post is the last item on my to-do list.

I’ve been having difficulty with my sleep this past week. I wonder how the weather has affected it. We’ve had almost 4 seasons in the past week. I hope my sleep will return tonight. I’m sure I woke up every one to two hours last night. I was lucky that I could get back to sleep each time. Still – interrupted sleep is not a good sleep. I am too sensitive to weather changes. I wonder if I could somehow desensitize myself. The more I know, the better I can help myself.

Reading from the article, I see that I am already doing what I can. Even though I know that I have no control over the weather, acceptance can be a hard thing. I know, too, that stepping out onto the deck can make me feel better. I’ve been out in the yard, collecting buckets and buckets of water for dry days and catching some daylight for myself. I’m moving my body as well as waking myself up a little.

 

1. Accept that the weather is out of your control

Simply by accepting that sleep is likely to be difficult due to the weather can work wonders for improving your rest. This takes the pressure off and allows you to relax.

2. Expose yourself to daylight

Even if the sky is overcast, getting out in natural light can help your body to produce the right hormones at the right time, keeping your circadian rhythm in tune.

3. Stay active

A little activity can go a long way in helping you to sleep at night. This will help to get rid of the drowsiness, which in turn will make it easier to sleep at night.

WHAT KEEPS ME UP AND GOING

What Keeps Me Up and Going

What do you do to keep your spirits up, to keep the ball rolling? I have today and tomorrow to finish the month of daily posting. I am pretty sure I can finish by gosh and darn. I hope to keep going beyond into December. It helps to have a place to come to at the end of the day to unload, de-stress, to pass on a bit of news, wisdom or joy. Writing and chronicling my day gives me a sense of purpose. It is hard to have a conversation without Covid-19 butting in. Such are our times. In Saskatchewan we have 351 new cases, 94 in Saskatoon. It’s hard not to feel the heaviness of these times.

I plod along, trying to do my daily best. It’s best to have a list of things I want to do each day. I make it before bedtime. I still keep it in my head. That’s on top of my list, to make a list each day. Today I got the laundry and some dusting done. Oh, my pork belly is cooking in the Instant Pot. We’ve had these packs of pork belly in our freezer from last year. And what does one do with it? It’s bacon except it’s not cured. It’s mostly fat. I seasoned it with garlic, ginger and soy sauce. Now it’s cooking on high for an hour. That should take care of the fat. They will make filling for Chinese steamed buns. It’s an experiment for tomorrow – maybe. Oh, my pork belly is done. Looking and tasting good. I hope I won’t nibble them all away before the buns get made.

I didn’t have a long list of to do’s. It’s good to start small. Less chance of failure. Wait! I got the bathroom floor cleaned, too. That’s my hardest to do. Strange why that is since there’s not much floor. Sometimes I have to question myself, to get to the root of why I hate doing something. I still don’t understand why but I got the job done. What’s on the list for tomorrow? I will do my seed order to beat the rush. That’s THE one thing I want to do. There are many things that NEED looking after. I will think of them later.

I like to have a project/skill to work on. That always keeps me going when the going gets tough. So far, I’ve mastered bread making, regular and sourdough from scratch, kimchi and kombucha. Making food from scratch is so satisfying. It just fills me up.

The latest thing that’s keeping me afloat is learning cross country skiing. I’m not gliding yet but I’m still keen. There’s alot more involved than meets the eye. Bending over to tie my boots is quite challenging in itself. I get out of huff just doing that! I’m learning to do put the boots on and tying them before putting my coat on. Less bulk to bend over with. Then there’s carrying the skis and poles while walking to the park. It’s only 2 long blocks away but it’s surprising how heavy things get when you’ve not used to carrying them. I’ve mastered that now, too. I even managed to fasten my boots to the bindings by myself today. I failed the getting up after I fall test. Still, I felt so much more relaxed after my fall. I think I should just fall down right off and get it out of the way so I can ski better. What do you think?

DAY 28 UBC – SOME DAYS ARE HEAVIER THAN OTHERS

Some Days Are Heavier Than Others

Another day in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m later than usual. I almost forgot but I’m here now. Been a busy week, trying to keep up with everything. I had to forgo my walk yesterday and today. That’s the thing. I have to be flexible and just do my best. Sometimes that best is less. But I do exercise everyday. Yesterday it was swimming. Today it was my aerobics class with weights. Tomorrow I will walk.

All my toilet paper and paper towel arrived from Costco yesterday. There was a maple syrup thrown in to make up the cost eligible for free delivery. It was a big load, worth the extra cost for delivery right to the door. Now I’m set for winter. The days will be less weighty not having to run around shopping and lugging bulky items home. It’s good to be focused and have a plan. Even the little outing I had yesterday with my parents to get their flu shots and to pick up a few things tired me out. Sometimes you don’t realize how much extra energy this Covid thing eats up.

I’m glad that tomorrow is a day off. Aside from a walk, I am not committed to doing anything. I have soup made for lunch already. I’ve done enough baking this week. We’ve polished off all the pumpking chocolate chip muffins I made. I made 2 batches of sourdough buns the other day. My best and easiest so far. You can see the bubbles in my dough. And the Jerusalem artichokes are taken care of. They’re pickled. They do not keep long before going soft. You can only eat so many at one time. It’s a good reason they dubbed them fartychokes! Fermenting is suppose to take the fart out. Let’s see it is true. Time will tell.

It is getting late. I best say good night. I hope this is an easy read. I will be back tomorrow for day 29.

PROCESSING, LEARNING

There are times now I can smile instead of cry when I think of Sheba. When I woke this morning I heard the guy in the kitchen. It was like other mornings when Sheba was here on earth. The two of them would make coffee. Then I would hear the kibbles drop into Sheba’s bowl. I could hear her crunching- more thoughtful now that she’s older. I knew that this was in the past, but the sounds and feelings were the same. I was hearing the wonderful sounds of an ordinary morning. And I smiled.

Over yesterday and today, I’ve washed Sheba’s bowls and toys. I cried then, clinging to the doggy memories attached to these things. I will store them away. Maybe we will be graced with another tender canine heart in awhile. For now I will just be with how life is, not trying to fight or change anything. Some days are better than others but I am always making an effort. However small it is, it is my best effort at the time.

I hope I don’t sound too obsessed and depressing. I am a little melancholy by nature. I’m a little more so in my writing. It is my tool for venting and working through my thoughts, feelings and problems. I am by no means a slouch or a couch potato during this period of mourning. I still get up, dress up and show up every day. I might be operating on a slower speed.

It is another day. I’m still working on this post. I must be slow as molasses in winter. It is summer and we’ve just starting to have some warm days. I did find it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Not all mornings are equal. I was thinking there was no Sheba to get me up. So I must do it by myself. And I did. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?

 

ANOTHER A&W MORNING

Life is messy. My house is messy. My head is messy. That’s how they feel to me. There’s a correlation between it all. I don’t know how to clean them up. I don’t know where to begin. I’m a little antsy. I’m a little stressed. I got a yen for something sweet. So I ate 2 little Coffee Crisp bars left from Hallowe’en. They’re very little. I’m having a green tea to counteract them. I know it’s faulty rationale but it is the best I can come up with.

I did enjoy the chocolate bars immensely. Sometimes I just have to indulge. I might as well get pleasure and not guilt from doing it. I did this the other day. I’ve just done it again today. I am feeling annoyed with everything in my universe lately. It’s just a feeling I’m not sure I’m entitled to. It helps me to tap about it. It helps to do something else besides obsessing about it. Nothing changes without action.

It’s about a week now since I wrote those words. It’s another Saturday – still my favourite day of the week. I haven’t fallen off my swimming wagon. I was late but I still showed up. I got in 16 lengths, in 30 minutes, 4 short of my usual 20. I was impressed with myself, feeling powerful. Not only that, yesterday I jumped up on 3 risers after our exercise class was over.  Not long ago I was afraid to jump on just the platform without any risers. Every little extra thing I can do beyond myself gives me a little boost. It’s a good reason to indulge in an A&W whole enchilada breakfast.

My goal now is to get to the pool on time Saturday mornings and go for 22 lengths. I will practice a little while on jumping 3 risers till I gain enough confidence. Then I will try for 4 risers. It’s really mickey mouse when you look at this guy.

 

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS AND SQUASHES

No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up has been my mantra for a couple of years now. Getting up and dressing up are not difficult any more. However, showing up is. The more I don’t make a showing, the harder it is to do so. Blue skies are here again but my blues haven’t quite lifted. Maybe they never will completely. Maybe I should not obsesse about my moods so much. I should live and let live.

Easier said than done. Everything takes a huge amount of effort and energy. At least I find it so. Each night I go to bed thinking of all the things I want to do the next day. With each morning, I fall into ‘after my cup of tea, breakfast, read this and that’. Then I will begin. Before I know it, it is almost lunch time and I have to bring out the pots and pans. I go on the same merry-go-round – again. Does this sound familiar?

I’m living Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. I am ashamed of myself. I am not living up to my expectations and certainly not my potential. But at least I am showing up here today. I am trying. I’ve gotten over my bluer than blue mood. I am not so overwhelmed with grief for our burning planet. I am just being with the awareness, accepting and going forward with my best foot forward.

I try to count my blessings. I am taking an inventory of our garden and harvest. Considering the extremes and weirdness of our summer, we’ve done well.  Even with the heat and lack of rain the garden have given me 11 spaghetti and 10 butternut squashes and tons of Swedish beans. Isn’t that amazing? Considering I had a summer cold for a month, I was able to put in a full garden. True not everything did as well as the squashes and beans. But there was lettuce and spinach for salads. We had broccoli for a few meals, and enough snow peas for stir fries. Enough kohlrabi to make up for not so many tomatoes. Then there’s the chili peppers and……..

I’m rambling on and on. The sentences running into each other. The grammar something else. The words might not be making sense. I better call it quits. Till tomorrow then.

MY WAY

I’ve decided that it’s better to show up than not. Better to make an effort than not. So here I am, sitting here, making an effort, tap, tapping away. These are the choices I’m making. They are easy when I’m feeling oh so fine. Not so when I’m not but they matter more then. It’s a measure of being a responsible adult. If I could have my drathers, I would like somebody else do it all for me. I have moments feeling like pouting and having a tantrum. I like to say, Make it better! But who would I say that to?

No one could do it better than me. Live my life, that is. I just have to suck it up and do it myself. Oh, I’ve made many a mistakes. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes. I saw every frame of it. I wonder at myself. Why did I do this and that? What was I thinking/feeling at the time? Pain and regret would course through me. If I would be given another run at this life of mine, I probably would do the same damn things again. It was probably the best I could have done at the time.

There’s no such thing as a life of no regrets. That’s just my thoughts. We are but human. We are full of fallacies, contradictions and emotions. Who can honestly say that they’ve never look back with nostalgia or whatever, wishing for otherwise? Not I. I’ve been hearing Frank Sinatra in my head all day. His My Way speaks to the best in me. It certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I like to think that I’ve done it my way but I haven’t. Regrets I have many but I have done the best I could .