November 21. Another new day and blank page. I am feeling better and not so broken. I’m heading towards copacethic. Sometimes it takes falling off the wall like Humpty Dumpty, breaking before I could see where I was going. I’m happy to say that I didn’t need all the king’s horses and men to put me back together again. I’m moving cautiously, not wanting to fall into the same hole again. I’m learning from Portia Nelson’s poem.

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

I am not ambitious today. I skipped today’s exercise class to rest and put myself back together. We don’t have to keep busy. It’s ok to stop and just hang out. I haven’t languish for ever so long. I’ve lost my knack for it. I’ve been busy all day but it’s at a good pace, not rushing anywhere or striving to accomplish. I’m keeping things simple. I’m liking my new look on WordPress. I would like to figure out how to get the word count back. However, I am satisfied to let that rest for now.


I took a little leave of absence to rest up. It felt so good that I took a little longer to come back. My battery can only go so far. Then I have to recharge. I’m back to sum up for the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. This last week of October has been beautiful. I took time to appreciate the sunshine and warm temperatures by a daily walk after lunch. It’s a wonderful way to chase away the after dinner sag and spend time with myself. It is relaxing and restful while I am getting exercised as well. I am making a few killings with one stone.

That’s the thing. Sometimes by changing my pace and schedule of doing, I am easing my pressure I put upon myself of doing, of having to, of musts. I am still keeping up on my list of things – giving gratitude, doing a few items of the 21 tiny habits, practicing piano….I did skip writing a post for the last 2 days. Sometimes I have to take off a thing or two instead of add on. It’s called the real life of not able to do everything. But I did make the ackee & salted fish rice on Saturday. It wasn’t as spicy as I would like it but it was still delicious. When it comes to cooking and most things, there really is no failing. The outcome is just different. Even when I kill the dough in bread making and it doesn’t rise, I can make flat bread or pizza crust with it. It can still be delicious. You don’t have to be brave to try something new. Just try and see what results from your effort.

I missed a few days in this writing challenge. I’m ok with it. I don’t consider it a failure. I did the best I can. Some days it does take considerable psychological energy to put thoughts into words onto the page. I had to decide where it is most wise to put my energy. I’m really admire those who can show up every day with their post and then offering kind comments on others, too. It all takes time and energy. But it is also community building. I appreciate that very much. And I so much appreciate Paul Taubman, our digital maestro for leading us each and every day.

One new thing I learned this time was Tarot cards. Oh, I have heard of them before but that was all. I was rather dismissive of them really but someone’s post caught my interest. I said why not and took the auther’s advice. I bought a book and a deck of cards she had recommended. I am fascinated with the history and the cards as an art. Who knew, eh? I’m glad I took the plunge. Yes, I will return for the January challenge. The discipline of showing up every day and writing the best as I can is very helpful for my brain and mental health. There was no hassle, not when I focus on just what I am doing.


Photo by Reynaldo Yodia on Pexels.com

September 11th.

Yesterday I vowed to do better. I’m going to do it, starting today. Right now is always the best time because if not now, when? When I put off something, it’s a good bet I will forget and it never happen. So here I am showing up on the first day of the rest of my life. It feels good to show up for myself. I have just paid all my bills. I am not as late as I had thought. When something feels good, I tend to repeat it. Being here, writing out my thoughts and feelings feel good. The rhythm of tapping on the keyboard soothes and smooths my brain and helps organize my thoughts. I don’t know how I fell off my writing wagon. But I am back.

Today is another hot day, probably summer’s last hurrah. We took the opportunity to harvest some of our potatoes in our allotment garden. I haven’t always been a fan of hot summer days but we’ve had plenty of them this year. It’s either adjust, adapt and acclimatize or suffer. My body took over and acclimatized. Who wants to suffer, eh? Much to my own surprise, I find now that I am happier to work in sun and heat than in cool, cloudy and windy weather. Of course I would prefer a sunny day that’s not too hot or windy. But who can order a perfect day?

We went early in the morning before it got hot. It was perfect. We got 3 rows harvested, filling 4½ buckets. We have 2 more rows to harvest another day. It was a hard morning’s work. I don’t think I could pick up any more potatoes. My exercise classes at the YWCA helped alot. I could deadlift the buckets of potatoes up to the back of the truck. I took a little break to quench my thirst with my homemade apple juice and to do a few stretches to loosen up my muscles and joints. It’s always good to stop, have a rest, stand back and assesse one’s progress in everything that we do.


January 19, day 19 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed day 17 and 18. That’s how the days have crumbled. Sometimes I can’t do everything. Sometimes I don’t want to do everything. A change is as good as a rest. I hope it can bring me a fresh outlook and some good ideas. I was feeling a bit staid and tired but not overwhelmed. Truth to be told, I am not enjoying writing and the Challenge as much these days. Perhaps I am challenged out.

So I cut myself some slack and gave myself some time away from the keyboard. Why not, eh? I have no business or service to promote. I write for pleasure and therapy. If it is no longer either one, a rest is needed. I am hard pressed to find time to sit and read these days. It was pure pleasure not to worry about writing a post these last couple of days. It wasn’t easy at first because there’s this voice saying I should live up to my commitment. But my fatigue and the book Beach Blonde spoke louder. Now the book is read and I am feeling so much better and rested.

We are back in the deep freeze for the next couple of days. It’s another reason for my well being. I am brighter with more pep and vinegar on cold sunny days. Strange but true. Maybe I got used to very frigid temperatures from having had a very high energy Lab Border Collie mix. We went out to the dog park in all kinds of weather. We were more regular than the mailman. I no longer have her to run with in the snow. Cross country skiing is now my substitute.

I don’t like to miss any days. Today is no exception. Even with an extreme cold weather warning, I was out in the park. I warmed up doing 2 laps in the South Park where I am more comfortable. Then I moved over to the North Park with those troublesome slopes. Today I did good. Being so cold the tracks were not fast. I had lots of control downing the slopes. No skyrocketing into space was possible. No falling and splatting. No hugging the snow. I am getting over my fear and getting my confidence back. The exercise was invigorating. It did me and my disposition a world of good.


It’s June the 2nd. I’ve been missing in action for most of the 2nd half of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Life gets busy. I want time to rest. I can’t do/have it all. I gave some thought as to what matters the most in what I am doing. Taking some time off to breathe, rest and regenerate is top of the list for me. Not that I have that much time to sit idle for long. There’s always something calling me. When you have a greenhouse, a garden, 6 raised garden beds, community garden plot and a city allotment, it keeps us quite busy. It is a very worthwhile busy though, growing our own food. I just have to work smarter and plan better.

It’s beastly hot out today. Heat is not my best friend but the weather is not something I can control. I have to suck it up and deal with it, like it or not. It’s also involves planning and working smarter. It’s probably not the best day to do any transplanting but my red leaf amaranth is getting to a decent size in the greenhouse. I had seeded them for my mother. It’s now or never. I gave them a good watering and scooped them out onto a plastic tray. They’re all planted now in my mother’s garden bed. I hope they take and do well.

The thinking about doing something is more difficult than the task. I’m home now, sweaty but happy I could do something for my mother. I enjoyed the planting and visit with her. I’m learning that it is never a good time to do anything but it is the best time to do something. I just have to work past the thinking into doing.


I took a couple of days off. Well, its National Nurses Week. I know. I’m retired but days off still works for me.It’s good to get away from it all. I was feeling a little anxious and stressed. I know the signs and feelings. After all these years I’ve finally accepted the way I’m built. It is my chemistry. I feel things deeply. I absorb the vibes around me. So it is up to me to surround myself with positive energy and to remove myself from the bad ones.

I try to stay grounded and not run out of my skin and for the hills. I’m a little smarter now. I’ve learned alot about anxiety and treatments from reading and experience. I remember reading about Temple Grand’s squeeze box. It was a device for calming hypersensitive persons. I believe that’s where thunder shirts for dogs come from. I thought a thunder shirt would help me as well. I didn’t have to search hard or far to find one. Since I feel chilled and shivery during these periods an undershirt might just be the ticket. It was. I used a camisole. I have more than a few. They are stretchy and form fitting. They make me feel warm and secure.

My days off were what the doctor ordered – rest and full of sunshine. One day we made a road trip out to the country for rocks to build the thermal wall in the greenhouse. We stopped at Shiloh Church near Maidstone (our hometown) for lunch. At the end of the day we came home with a truckload of rocks.

Thursday morning and it’s full of sunshine. I’ve missed 3 days of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. That’s how life is. I can’t do it all. I have more seeds sprouting that needs potting up. There’s 4 more raised beds plus the garden and the greenhouse to maintain. It’s all good stuff. One seed, one plant, a day and a blog post at a time. There is time.


The world has stopped. I have, too. My priorities these days are rest and sleep. I do the must do(s). Then I add on a thing or two if I comfortably can. I haven’t been a very restful person, always striving for improvement. I’ve never strived for more stuff, money, status but I work hard at being a better person, being more productive, etc. I haven’t been a very quiet person either. It’s a funny thing to say, when as a child my adults complain that I don’t talk enough. But being a nurse and working with the public, I picked up the gift of gab. Retirement hasn’t changed that. Talking is exhausting sometimes.

It’s good to stop, dropping all that stuff on my shoulders. Good enough is good enough. Rest and sleep are musts for my immune system. I can’t afford to fall into anxiety and/or depression. I’ve given up my  one Wonder Woman act and golden lasso. I get help wherever and whenever offered.

It’s Good Friday. I wish I could say I feel the holiness of it, but I can only sense the eeriness. God feels absent. We have to work through this ourselves, together. I see Jesus on the cross. I see him hanging on the wall. Did God sent his only begotten son down on earth to guide us? Does He love us that much? Can we be saved? Do I have enough faith?

I have learned not to ask the why of things. I try not to take anything personally. It is hard though. The whys of what is happening to me and to the world. They play their tunes in my head. It is exhausting, adding to the stress and anxiety of the everyday life. Locked down, in quarantine, social distancing, whatever mode we are in – life still has to be lived. Yesterday was hard. Another checkup for my mother at the Eye Center in the hospital. 3 months of shingles and its complications.

I am more stressed and anxious over my mother’s illness than the Coronavirus. I’ve lived and worked through the HIV and SARS crises. Though stressful and scary, I did have some control by wearing protective equipment and being cautious. With my mother’s illness, I have no control. I take her for medical attention and being with her. I wonder often if I’ve done a good job though I did the best I could. The rest was all on her. I cannot take over any of her pain and suffering. I cannot take over anyone else’s pain and suffering. We must each carry our own.

If there are any answeres to the many whys floating in my head, it is to teach me resilence and boundaries. It is to teach me I am not all powerful. I cannot fix everything. In these days, I am learning to survive. I am my own life raft. I need to throw off everything except what I need to stay afloat. Faith is my oar. I will light my candles again tonight.




April 1, 2020. Fools day but also the start of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been much tried since our last challenge in January. I’m exhausted.  I’m feeling as if I’ve just come out of a grave illness when it is our whole world that is seriously sick, in a pandemic, in a state of emergency. Those very words and the continuous news coverage can stir up fear and anxiety. It is necessary that we recognize that we are in a dire situation. I’m feeling vulnerable in my present physical and emotional state.

My writing space have always been my safe and happy place. So here I am again, tap, tapping for a restful mind, to stop the merry-go-round of harmful repetitive thoughts.

April 2, 2020. I did not finish my post yesterday. Some things are more important than others. It was more important for me to rest to recoup my physical and mental well being. I am here again this morning to finish what I’ve started. I am in a better frame of mind having slept my third night without a sleeping pill. I had a little trouble with intrusive thoughts and was tempted to get out of bed and go for the easier solution. Instead, I had a heart to heart talk with myself. I took a deep breath, calmed my mind and placed a hand over my heart.

I’m regaining my confidence and trust in people. There is evil and bad people but there is goodness and humanity also. I must not lump everyone and everything together and throw everything out. As Caroline Myss says over and over, we are living in a very special and interesting time in history. I must not waste it. Life will never be the same again. It can be better. That is what I’m working toward. It’s time I pull up my socks.


I played hookey today and enjoyed a bit of nothing. It’s quite hard to do – this nothingness. Have you ever tried? I used to be quite good at languishing but now I have to work at it. I have to think about it, make a conscious effort just to relax and idle. I planned it last night. I decided that I was going to skip the exercise class in the morning and rest. I feel something, perhaps a cold, coming on. The guy has a sore throat. I have a bit of the shivers, perhaps in sympathy.

I can’t call today  a total success. Rest and nothing are hard to do. Perhaps I sat and read my murder mystery an hour at the most. I used to be able to sit and read for hours. Now, my concentration and attention are fractured and splintered into minutes and seconds. Try sitting in silence for 5 minutes. It’s long. I have no trouble with a 20 minute sitting meditation because I am guided by Mark Williams’ voice. Even then, my mind wanders off in many directions. I am comforted by the fact that it’s called a practice.

As for making lists like I said yesterday, my lists are in my head. 1)I tended to my most pressing thing in the morning. I should get points for that. 2)I cleared off my dining room table. I feel better even if I put everything that was on it in a basket. 3)I sorted one file and shredded the outdated material. I think that’s enough for one day. My hair was standing on end after that one. Ugh! I’m letting Sheba take us out again on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow is another day.



Winter came in October this year. The snow fell. The temperature dropped. There was nothing I could do about it except sit back and enjoy all that it brings. The world is in repose. There’s no need to hurry and fuss. Nature rests and so must we.

The snow lights up the dark mornings and evenings. It covers the ground in holy whiteness. No need to wipe the dirt off Sheba’s paws. She can roll and dig in the snow to her hearts content. I feel a peace grow inside as I gaze at my surrounding architecture. Love is here. Serenity is here. I hear the words of St. Teresa of Avila.

“Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.”