Last night was another one of those sleepless nights for me. I wasn’t in my best this morning. I thought I would take the easy way out with breakfast by poaching my egg in the microwave instead of in a pot of water on the stove top. I put 1/2 cup of water in a microwaveable bowl. I cracked an egg into it and poked the yoke with a toothpick. I put it in the microwave on high for 45 seconds. It looked raw so I did it for one minute. It still looked not cooked. I added 30 seconds. It ended with a loud explosion.
I opened the oven door. There was egg whites splattered everywhere inside. The yoke had escaped the bowl but was intact. I scraped it into the bowl and proceeded to wipe and clean the mess. It took much longer than if I had just poached in a pot. I thought I would be saving time by not having to wash a pot. Wrong! Being sleepless, I had no energy to despair. I just moped and mopped till it was all cleaned up. I am willing to try again tomorrow with this experience under my belt.
I tried to carry on my regular day. I did not do my 5 minute meditation. I have not done my 100 day project of daily readings from Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life and Surprised by Joy. I still have time to as I read only a few pages of each. However, I did do my morning walk to the mall. I hope that will help me to sleep tonight. I am not thrilled with these fretful nights. But it is what it is. No use fretting about fretting and not being able to let go and empty my mind. Accept and adopt the way of the Tao.
I wonder if we realize how often we are out to lunch and not in the moment. That realization hit me with a thud in the mall’s parking lot the other day. Everything came to a very noisy stop. I wondered what the hell happened. Then I saw my car met another car I hadn’t seen. I had momentarily glanced sideways at possible parking spots. My thoughts were on parking spots. I was aware that there were also negative thoughts circulating through my mind. My attention was not on what was in front of me.
Lucky I was just inching along. My car sustained no damage. The other car a small dent. We exchanged names and license plates. I apologized and thanked him for not yelling at me. I thought at the time it was my fault. Now I am not so sure. It matters not as we have no fault insurance. The positive thing was the impact jarred and stopped my toxic thoughts and feelings instantly. It clearly showed me how out to lunch I was and have been. But it also left me sleepness that night, pondering and fretting over everything.
I am happy to report that I had a good night’s sleep last night. I want to say I have turned over a new leaf. We all know that it’s not all that easy. I am practicing to stay in the moment. I gave up my morning meditations awhile back. I restarted this morning. I am giving up reading the 2 Heathers each morning. Learning all that stuff about Donald Trump and the Republicans are very toxic for my mental health. It’s not a good way to start each day.
I have started my 100 day project of reading Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thought, Change Your Life. I am not sure how far I will get in a 100 days but I have started instead of just talking on starting. In my search for the book, I came across a little book by C. S. Lewis called Surprised by Joy. It’s the same old story of meaning to read but haven’t. The book was for my Philosophy of Religion class of long ago. It costed 75 cents. That’s how long ago I had meant to read it. I have always been enthralled by the title. Wouldn’t you want to be surprised by joy? I am surprised that I am finally reading it. I was motivated after watching the movie Surprised by Oxford where the book and the author was mentioned. I think I am suppose to read it.
A sunny March afternoon. There are so many things that I could be doing. I just don’t feel like it. I’m like a petulant child having a quiet little tantrum by myself. I wonder how and what you all out there are doing. Probably all better and having more fun than me. I am reminded of summer holidays of long ago in Maidstone. The town is super quiet. School is out. The farmers are in the field. Everyone else is at the lake or just out of town. Everyone, except us, the Chinese people running the cafes. I’m remembering how lonely and isolated I felt as a child and teenager. We seldom went anywhere except to North Battleford to the dentist or optometrist when needed.
I wonder if that is why I don’t like fun. I prefer cuddling up at home with a book. We didn’t have a library in Maidstone back then. A library on a bus comes once every so often. I could also order books from the library in Regina. They send them on the Greyhound bus. The books I remember are Little House on the Prairie, Trixie Belden and the Hardy Boys. I love reading movie star magazines and Superman comic books. I would stop at the corner store on the way home from school and browse the racks. Sometimes I would get a pack of gum, the ones with movie star cards in them. One summer I bought Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities at the drugstore. I was in high school then and desperate for reading material. We didn’t have Facebook then. It was a hard read. That I remember.
Now there’s too much to read and all at my fingertips. I’m over satiated by Donald Trump buffooneries. Surely he must know and hear what he is saying. I am wondering if they are all a deliberate act to draw attention away from something more serious and sinister. Surely if he carries on much longer, could they not impeach him for mental derangement? Seriously I find everything too absurd to be real. Did Trump really call Gavin Newsom the president of the United States? Did he forget who himself was? I wonder if I had fallen down the rabbit hole and sustained a head injury. And all this is just a bad dream. I wonder how I can wake up.
My cold is still with me. It is attached and reluctant to leave. I am an endless fountain of gooey mucus. Like Christopher Plummer, I don’t like the sound of mucus. I’m carting around a large toilt roll from Costco. I’m constantly blowing and spitting into toilet paper. The roll diminishes quickly. It’s cheaper than Kleenx. I dislike using a spittoon. It grosses me out.
I’ve had a week of this misery. Just when I think I’m getting better, I get knocked down again. Last night was a hard one. I was afraid I was getting super ill, enough that it made me seek help from my prayer community. It helped. I was able to fall asleep shortly after. In the morning I felt better in some ways and worse in some. Now, at the end of the day, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Being sick could have been what I needed.
What I needed was to see I have to take care of me. Being a caretaker by nature, I tend to look outward to others’ needs. I seldom think of my own. I am doing that now. I see that endless scrolling is making me sick. I feel it but seem unable to stop. The more I touch that button, the more I want to even though it brings me no pleasure. I was pleasureless enough yesterday that I was able to curb my addiction. I limited my scrolling time to before breakfast. I sought out other activities that would bring me pleasure.
One antidote is reading Margaret Atwood’s biography Book of Lives: A Memoir of Sorts. I’m travelling through stories of her childhood now. They’re delightful. Just what I need. Another activity is non-activity. I laid down on my exercise mat with my legs resting on an armchair for 10 minutes, doing nothing, trying to empty my mind. It wasn’t hard. It was pleasant and restful, not fussing about anything, letting the world go on by without me. It also helped to drain gooey mucus out of me.
February 6th. It’s grey as grey can be all day. I have taken a first day off from coffee with my father. I felt the not feeling great coming on so had prepared him yesterday. I spent most of the night awake and hydrating myself, trying to flush out those damn snow mold. I was successful in decreasing my coughing spells. But I feel limp as wet spaghetti. I had to cancel my lunch date and supper out at my favourite Japanese restaurant. I will probably have the rest of the porridge from my breakfast and lunch for supper.
It seemed appropriate to spend the day in my pjs and read up on Jeffery Epstein today. I wouldn’t be spoiling a beautiful day. I was already feeling lousy. It was alot of reading. It was massive. He knew and was connected to everybody, it seemed. That is everybody who had a name. I was shocked to read that Deepak Chopra was mentioned in the Epstein files. Goes to show how naive I am. Spirituality is big business and even priests can be corrupted. So why not Deepak? Still I am very disappointed to read about how he is using AI to highjack spiritual hunger.
Not a great way to spend a dreary afternoon but it’s good to get educated. There doesn’t seem to be much to cheer about. I feel crappy as hell. Another bout of coughing. I made another cup of Chrysanthemum tea. Let me see if I can work on my seed orders. I’m trying as best as I can. At least I’ve showered and changed into new pjs.
July is a difficult month to show up for a challenge every day. On a hot afternoon, I feel lazy and move like a sloth. It’s tempting to curl up with a book or curl up and snooze. Knowing that a little slothing can start an avalanche of napping, I’m putting an extreme effort here for the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.
This morning, knowing that it was going to be a hot day, I took the opportunity to sit with tea on my newly cleaned deck. I let everything fall away and lost myself in my new book from the library. All That Life Can Afford is a easy light read. It’s just the ticket for me. And I was in a perfect moment, in a perfect spot. It was early morning, in morning sunshine, still cool with a slight breeze. I could hear the birds and traffic from our busy street. All was right with me.
I never did get all my tomatoes or beans picked yesterday but most of them are down. To tell the truth, I’m a little sick of harvesting and processing and preserving. I know for sure I will be glad in winter that I’ve done the work. And I will be happily start the process of starting everything by February. I will hang in, breathe and take little steps here and there.
I must admit defeat where my kitchen sink is concern. After dumping this and that potion down its mouth, pouring hot boiling water and running the tap for eons, the water is not rushing pell mell down the drain. But I was drained, coming undone at the seams. Tomorrow morning I will call the plumber to come in the afternoon. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Better save my water and electric bill to pay the plumber.
Though defeated, not all was lost. I saw the folly of my efforts. I also saw the clutter and mess of my physical surroundings. It made my head ache and my vision blur. I think it’s what you would call brain fog. While the tap was running at a small trickle and the kettles were boiling, I washed the floors slowly and painfully. I sorted a few things to keep and others to throw out. So that’s where I am at today.
Interestingly I am reading Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone. Seems like such a good title for my post. It’s been on my Libby App for quite a few days. I’ve just opened it with only 8 days left to read it. It’s very good. I’ve read 8% this morning. If I read 15%, I can get it done. Here’s hoping. Meanwhile on with the day. To the tomatoes and beans next.
It’s a beautiful sunny Boxing Day afternoon. All is calm. All is bright. It’s 5℃ out and 6.2℃ in the greenhouse. I’ve seeded a small tray of lettuce greens in anticipation of our present weather trend of warm temperatures and no snow.
I’m deeply immersed in reading A Thousand Acres. Did you know it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 1992? It was hard to tear myself away to write this post. I’m on a streak of showing up now every day for a week. I don’t want to break the cycle and end up in a slump before January. I’m practicing discipline and succeeding.
I’m not doing as well rehabbing the fasciitis in my foot. It is a very slow process. It is very discouraging since I am faithfully doing the exercises every day. I’m learning patience and forbearance. I have to remember that Rome was not built in a day. And I have been careless and abusive with my feet since summer. So now I have to put in the time to heal it. I have numerous resources on treatment besides YouTube. One thing for sure is there are no quick fixes.
There are no quick solutions to lose some of the holiday fat either. It’s another slow and discouraging process. It keeps coming back again and again like a bad penny. But that’s something we can talk about tomorrow. I have to get back to my book. It’s calling me and I have to get up and move.
I am having a slothful Sunday. We attended a bookclub meeting last evening. I was late in getting to bed. I was a little over stimulated with socializing and intellectualizing, a rarity in these times. I had to wind down with a little reading. It didn’t help as it was a crime novel. I had a little trouble getting to and staying asleep. I was still revved up in the morning. I gave in to my obsession of binge reading. I had to find out what happened. Now that I have finished reading The Firm, I have to tend to a bit of housekeeping and writing. Needless to say, my mind and brain are shot with no exciting or poetic thoughts to share. I’m a bit ‘wrecked’ I’m again relying on my memories from Ghana.
Halfway – March 19, 2011
I’m halfway through my holidays here in Africa. And it is a real holiday. I cannot remember the cold or the snow of Saskatchewan, the dark mornings or evenings of our winters, nor the trials and tribulations of work. I am surprise to realize this morning that I feel no aches or pains at all. From time to time I feel some minor irritations to my sinuses but that was mainly when we were in town when someone was burning garbage. I am relieved to find that I can wear my contact lenses here. It was a bit of a challenge at first. But I learned to clean them with bottled water and to take them out in flash light without losing them, though I did drop one once. And now, we have solar electricity. I am enjoying the cheer of sunshine and learning to see by moonlight. The ocean has its pluses and minuses. Sometimes the surf is music to the ears, lulling one to sleep. On hard to sleep nights, it sometimes a storm raging endlessly. The humidity is wonderful for the skin and I don’t have to wonder about my hair having no body. But…when you lick your lips, you taste the salt of the ocean. Your mirrors and glasses are always fogging, needing wiping constantly. The salt gets onto everything.
And as for food, it all depends….on what is available. Living by the ocean, you would think that there would be an abundance of fish and other seafood. But not so, because of overfishing from foreign sources. When I first arrived and driving to Cape3Points, we bought some fresh coconuts from people on the roadside. They do not look like the ones that I know in their brown husks. These were green. The boys selling them chopped the top off and we drank the milk. Then we handed them back to them and they cut them open for us to scoop and eat the meat with the spoon made from the top of the coconut. It was rather disconcerting for me to drink with faces hanging about me all the while. I felt like I was taking too long and making them wait. I am used to waiting on people and not the other way around! I have not yet tried any of the local dishes. Since my stomach is not great when I’m travelling, I am not very adventuresome. For breakfast, it’ s usually eggs and toast. We do quite a bit of pasta here at the lodge. The beef is quite tough here but in kabobs, it’s good and a bit easier to chew. I told Rod the next time we go to Takoradi, I will chop fufu with him. It is a soup dish made of kasava and some other stuff…and goat meat. They eat it with their fingers. But I will askfor a spoon!:-)
Yesterday, we went to Takoradi to pick up Rod’s glasses. I sort of had doubts about how well they would work. The technician’s behavior and body language did not instil too much confidence in me. And as I had advised about the frame…And to everyone’s relief, including the people at the optical shop, they worked wonderful. They tested the glasses by whipping out a newspaper for him to read. They included a nice case and 2 cloths and a bottle of cleaning solution. So it teaches me not to judge a book by its country.
November 24. Good morning! It’s another new day and another blank page. I thought I would talk about writing since I am reading Stephen King’s On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft. It’s a very good read. He is a very successful writer. I would heed his advice. That’s the biggest light bulb moment for me just now – to listen to those humble successful people. I’ve wasted so much energy and time on little pesky critical thinking-they-know-it-alls. Come to think of it now, I’m guilty of being a know-it-all myself. Eeek! Writing can be illuminating, spotlighting my own flaws. It’s like dust motes in sunlight. Now that I know, I will do better. No more unsolicited advice.
Stephen King’s advice to be successful at writing is that you have to read and write alot. I have been reading since I can read, first in Chinese and then in English. I have long since lost my Chinese. I had only a grade 2 when we came to Canada, but I could read my mother’s Chinese books. Being 8 or 9 years old, my mother didn’t want me to read her adult fiction books. Shed encouraged me to read newspapers and to learn English. You can imagine what happened with that advice.
I HAD to learn English. It came easily with the help of Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot, Puff and my teacher, Miss Woodall. I can’t remember the exact moment that I held up my hand to ask permission when I felt nature calling. Before that I just got up and left the classroom and went to the basement where the batheooms were. I am surprised I remember all that and their names after all these years! I’m at an age where my memory is deteriorating. Writing is good for brain health. It would be so much better if I can make it a regular daily morning habit. My mutterings could serve as my memory and mood board. It could serve as my brain health chart.
Books were and still are good friends. Libraries are happy places for me. We didn’t have a library in our little town then. A library on wheels came to town maybe once a month. I think you can get more books more often by ordering through the mail. I can’t remember how that worked but the postage was free. I read many of the Little House on the Prairies , Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys books through that system. Then there were Little Women, Little Men, the Bobbsey Twins and…
Enough now for today. Keeping it simple, let me finish with my 3 daily gratitudes.
I am grateful for this morning’s ski in the North and South Park. The track was not great today but still ski-able. I got fresh air and exercise.
I am grateful for today’s mobility class. We ran through a range of exercises for various joints. I always come out feeling better than before.
I am grateful my mood is improving. I am feelings bits of sparkling joy.
