Once Upon a Time

Posted on June 21, 2026 by hafong

A cool rainy Sunday, June 21. The moisture is always a welcome. There’s too much cool and clouds this spring and summer. This is the year like no other in so many ways. First, in the unpredictable weather patterns. Second, in world events, mostly in the United States and the Middle East. I feel slightly unhinged. Real life and age are catching up with me. There are no safe harbours and there is no escape. I must face the music. There is no one I want to talk to about this. So here I am, tapping for my health and sanity.

Once upon a time, there was my mother. Her being there was enough. My world now feels a little wobbly without her. It shows that everyone and everything makes a difference in our lives. It’s only after they’re gone that we notice how and what a big difference they make. I am now living in that awareness. It is not an easy thing. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and just drift away. Everything is a huge effort but I do it and not say I will try. Trying is like hoping. It’s like the saying on a hope and a prayer. It conveys a slight chance of succeeding. I don’t like that.

Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I was full of optimism and energy. I was looking forward to the morning the night before so that I could start doing. I was excited about cross country skiing. I was going out every morning all winter, no matter the temperature. It was so invigorating and so much fun even though I wasn’t very good at it. Now my skis are gathering dust. I am not so excited about mornings. This summer they are mostly cool and cloudy. There is no sun rising at 5ish to wake me up.

Once upon a time, I felt young and robust. Now I feel that those times are past. Though my head doesn’t feel ancient, my body begs to be different. My hands are painful, not just stiff, from morning to night. My hips are grumbling, too. I’m not a cry baby, a complainer. Really, I’m not. I’m just remembering how things used to be, mourning loss youth, opportunities and missing my mother. I am working on how to make this life easier and better. It’s a challenge, I know. That makes it interesting and worthwhile. I am not without hope and prayers. I still dream.

Rainy, Snowy May Day

Posted on May 17, 2026 by hafong

May 17th. I woke to another snowy morning which turned into a rainy day. It’s hard to feel any hope for anything these days. But the moisture is welcomed. The garlic is loving it. The windows are getting washed without me doing anything. So never say there’s no hope. There is always hope. We just have to work to make it happen.

This morning reading the 2 Heathers, I almost cried over what is happening down south in the USA. One Heather reported on Kash Patel taking a VIP snorkel at USSA Arizona, a Pearl Harbour military cemetry. Both writes of the Selma march for black voting rights. Heather Cox Richardson gives a very detailed history account of the fight for voting rights for the blacks. The fight still has to go on in 2026. This is the part that makes me cry. We are still defined by the colour of our skin.

This is where I am on this rainy/snowy day. I am sleepy and lethargic. I feel discouraged with my weight loss effort though it is barely a week. I almost gave up with the black tea/coffee. I longed for a cup with cream and honey. I said almost. I didn’t give in. I feel small, small results. I’m not feeling as bloated. I’m ok with 1/2 cup cooked rice with my meals and smaller meat portions. I’m doing the veggies. I will hang in for another week and then see.

I’m not making huge progress in other areas either. I’ve long abandoned #the100dayproject of sewing log cabin quilt blocks. My Bernina sewing machine sits idle on the table with my mess of fabric scraps. I’ve been meaning to tidy all that and more but somehow it hasn’t happen. That could be my 100dayproject. I will start it today. I am going to start it today.

May Day and Hope

Posted on May 3, 2026 by hafong

April is gone. Today is May 3. I meant to show up 2 days ago but I never made it. Some days are easier than others. Today is not one of those. The sky is cloudy. I’m heavy with it. I’m saggy and draggy but I’ve started the day. I still start it reading the two Heathers. I’m also reading Nobody’s Girl now that I got it from the library. It’s no wonder that I’m weighed down.

I wish that I’m not so serious minded. I wish that I am more light hearted. But that is not who I am. Whether it is because of genetics or how life shaped me, it’s hard to know. It is probably both. It is not easy being an immigrant child of immigrant parents. Being the oldest is not a cake walk either. I bear/feel the brunt of the responsibility for helping them navigate in an English speaking country. Life was and has been a serious affair. There was/are good times and laughter but not the uproarious kind. Our lives always seemed to me to be smaller than others.

That’s my feelings growing up. You don’t shed those feelings of inadequacy easily. I haven’t. They’re still there somewhere just underneath my skin. Not that I feel like a failure. I know I have done very well. I am a well informed and educated person. I am financially independent. I am retired with many interestests. I am never bored. I am occasionally melancholy. Who isn’t, especially in these times?

And so I come to this space to tap out my melancholy, my angst and sometimes my joys and excitement. I do get those happy exuberant feelings once in awhile, too. It must have been what I felt yesterday. They carried me through a whole day of gardening. I repotted seedlings, cleaned out 3 raised beds in the back yard. I planted 3 cucumbers in the greenhouse and 7 celery in the raised bed. Hope I wasn’t over eager and too early. Hope is a good antidote for melancholy.

Sunny Day Chitchat

Posted on April 20, 2026 by hafong

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The weather is rather dippy lately. From yesterday’s cool and cloudy, it’s turned sunny and quite warm. The greenhouse is hot. I had to open a vent. I left a small box of young seedlings on the rock wall. They were getting a bit dried and withered. Lucky I caught a sight of them and brought them down where it’s cooler. They are fine after a big drink.

I wish I could say the same thing for myself. I’m feeling rather stoned and wooden from not sleeping last night. I was fretting about my tax returns. It’s a bit of a problem, having neglected something not just one year but a few. There’s always a fix. It is always not simple. I always want to fix it right off and I always can’t. So here I sit, trying to tap out my angst. It doesn’t easily go. I’m doing the best I can.

This morning I attended the funeral mass for my friend’s mother. The music and hymns were beautiful and filled the cathedral and I was stirred. I felt angels among us. It’s been a long times since I’ve attended mass. I couldn’t help but think of my own mother’s funeral a year and a half ago. I really have no words for my feelings or thoughts. There shall not be any.

I’ve been watching lots of movies about WW11 lately. Last night we watched To End All Wars. It’s based on a true story. What I like about war movies is that war brings out the best and worse of us. It is worth watching but the violence is so brutal as all wars are. It makes me feel hopeful to see how some of us can rise up regardless of how bad the world can look. I need to feel hopeful.

Cloudy Sunday Mutterings

Posted on April 19, 2026 by hafong

It’s disheartening to wake up to another grey morning. I try to not let the world weigh me down. But it is difficult watching what is unfolding in the U.S. I think the whole world is weighed down watching and so far unable to stop it. It is not in our country but it is affecting us universally. And it could happen in this country and others if we let it. Evil and corruption have no boundaries. I am surprised and shocked at the magnitude of it. I have been very niave. What a waker upper.

The count down has started. 11 days left in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wonder where my fellow bloggers are. We are dwindling in numbers. This April round has been the lowest. I’ve missed a day here and there. Some days I don’t feel like showing up at all but I do, somehow. I don’t have a business or a page to promote. I haven’t kept up with my hobbies either. I can’t crow about #the100dayproject. I haven’t been sewing my quilt squares like I said I would. The Index-Card-a Day Challenge is coming up in June. I think I will sit this one out, too. It’s time to do different but I might change my mind. I don’t want to quit everything and disappear.

Spring is slow this year. It came and went. More snow came. I hope it’s over now. The good news is that the maple sap is running and boiling is underway in many regions. I have good news in the greenhouse also. Everybody survived the couple of nights of chilly temperatures. The lettuce, spinach and Chinese greens are popping up and doing well. This gives me some cheer and hope for another day.

Wonder

Posted on March 16, 2026 by hafong

I think it is silly of me to insist that I feel better when I don’t. It is pretty hard to ignore the crazy stuff that is happening – the Epstein Files, the rants from President of the United States, and the wars he has caused.These are serious times and I feel seriously affected. I am not respectful of myself if I don’t allow myself to respond to these events with whatever feelings that come up. Similarly, losing my mother is a serious loss no matter how old she was. It is natural that I am sad. I know life goes on. I am happy she is not suffering any more but I can still mourn the loss. It is ok that I still feel sad now and again.

There’s no need for me to apologize for being human. There’s no need to fix anything.There’s no need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Things, along with feelings, somehow evolve on their own. There are things that we do not have control over. Just when I am feeling the lowest, I noticed that my peppers are starting to germinate. I’ve been starting seeds for many years now. I am still surprised when I see a speck of green poking through the soil. I worry every year that they won’t. It is such a wonder to see every spring when they do.

Though life may look bleak and the world seem to be on the brink of disaster, I can still feel moments of wonder. I feel ok and normal with all my feelings. There is still tomorrow and I still have words.

What Still Matters

Posted on January 24, 2026 by hafong

The cold temperatures are still with us. It’s -31℃. The sun is a weak yellow halo in a pale grey blue sky. I don’t really mind. I feel more alert, focused and at ease. The early mornings are still dark. It is restful to sit with just my cup of tea, not thinking and scrolling. After I’ve finished, I realize that what I felt was pleasure. It made me smile. It gave me joy and I made a second cup of tea.

I’m sitting not so pretty this morning. My hair is yet not combed but I am dressed and tapping rhythmically on the trusty keyboard. I’m not sitting so pretty but I am sitting content and at peace. That is what still matters at this stage in my life. Life hasn’t been exactly a bowl of cherries, especially the last couple of years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. When I think of it now, it’s been rather exciting and jarring. So I think excitement still matters, no matter what age we’re at. I need jarring out of my complacency.

Life is strange. I didn’t really think that I would be here talking like this. But here I am. So how am I talking anyways? A bunch of nonsense probably. But it’s good to flex my fingers and make them move on the keyboard. The exercise is waking up my senses, increasing my serotonin and making those dendrites snap more effeciently. I hope they are also working on and improving my ear hair cells. Hope and strange happenings still matter. Surprises still matter. Everything still matters.

August Heat

Posted on August 29, 2025 by hafong

Another hot 30℃ August day, the kind of heat we wanted in July but never got. Makes me wonder what kind of winter we will have. So many unusual and unpredictable weather patterns. How will we navigate the future? Will our planet survive what we have been doing to it? And can/will we change our ways? We seem to be hell bent on going down the same path – fast everything, more money and more stuff.

I am not hopeful but at the same time, I am not hopeless either. I am still interested and engaged in this little life of mine. I am doing my best in not adding to the stress of the planet. Perhaps it means little to the grand scheme of things to say I recycle. But I do. I recycle and compost. I save rain water. I even save water I wash my vegetables with. Perhaps I do go a little overboard sometimes and exhaust myself. But I’m happy to have that extra water to throw on the strawberry plants. They pay back with beautiful delicious red fruits.

I feel very fortunate that I am able to do the work of growing my own food and to share some with family and friends. I am grateful that I find joy and fulfillment in working the soil. It keeps me sane and grounded when life is hard. And it is always hard.

MY GENE POOL

Posted on April 20, 2019 by hafong

A lovely sunny Saturday morning. I will try not to let it slip away on me by useless redundant thinking and scrolling through the Internet. I love the early morning light as it dances through the sunroom. First it is the faint orange glow of the sunrise. I look up to see if it isn’t the ceiling lights. It isn’t. It is as if I’m on a stage as I move through my qigong routine. Things are sharper and colours more vibrant. I am at ease. I watch as the light turns more golden and plays along the walls. Soon it is gone, to return later in the day.

I have to be present to catch these precious moments. It is the time of day when I am opened and freed from the cares and despairs of our modern world. It is a good time to fill myself with hope and optimism. This morning I am reading Larry Dossey’s The Extraordinary Healing Power of Ordinary Things. The title speaks for itself and to me. I am a huge fan of the ordinary. I’ve experienced a few Eureka! moments already just in the first part of the book. I’m more awake to understand and question things as they are. So much for my wanting not to do these very things.

I might as well give up trying to fight myself. I am who I am. After all, my maternal grandfather was a teacher and principal. I believe I got my high principles, stubborness and stern nature from him. Like they say, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree even a generation removed. It’s hard to disregard your genes. It’s not as if I chose to be serious. I would much rather be gay and the-devil-may-care. I would rather have fun than the way I am. A coworker once accused me of always reading ‘strange’ books. She called me ‘eccentric’. That’s the kind of family I come from. On my mother’s side, that is. When they get together, they talk about things that matter, family history, village history, the way of the world, health, what food to promote health and exercise.

I suppose we are an eccentric bunch. But it is all good stuff, don’t you think? We’re always thinking and learning on how to do things and live better. My mother continues to fine tune her soups for maximum benefit. She consults her book of soups for ingredients. What roots, what barks, what berries for this and that. It’s no wonder I am the way I am. Like mother, like daughter. I gotta like that.

LOVE, HOPE, COPY AND PASTE

Posted on January 21, 2019 by hafong

It is strange how books find their way to me. It is as if they know that they hold the knowledge I’m seeking. You know I’m a serious girl. I’m always pondering about the universe and the meaning of life. I wonder about what is love and hope. Are they verbs or nouns? Can you hold them in your hands and examine their nature? If they’re verbs, how do you go about loving and hoping? Would you get anywheres hoping and loving? Or is it just pining away?

I know I think too much. It would be good if I could lighten up and just live and be happy. Maybe I should heed one reader’s advice and ‘start filling a jar with notes of things you are happy for‘. And what would a gratitude list do? Don’t I have to do some other stuff besides? Is it not like Facebook’s rhetoric? If you believe this, if you are my friend, etc. etc. copy and paste. What does copy and paste accomplish besides that and getting a whole bunch of people copying and pasting?

I know, all I am doing is asking more questions. I offer no answers. Putting the questions out there is valuable. They’re food for thought, stimulous. Wait, what about the books? you ask. Yes, the books. They’re the two latest ones I’ve read. Strange that they both landed on me at the same time. Both contained the answers I needed. The first one was Home by Toni Morrison. The second is Mercy by Jodi Picoult. Strange, how some books get ratings. I loved both books but Mercy got a lot of bad ratings. Perhaps the subject of mercy killing and a cheating husband doesn’t sit well with female readers. It sat very well with me. Made me look at love and forgiveness from many sides. Both book made me feel hopeful again. They’re both fiction but you know what they say about truth and fiction.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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