Tag Archives: mental health

I Believe in Angels

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Here’s to my daily struggle to begin the day. My second cup of tea is in front of me. The sun is streaming through the windows. It is very beautiful in my sunroom in this moment. I am at ease. I failed to seed my onions and peppers yesterday. I will try again today. I am pleased that I and the world are not totally bleak and without hope. There are angels afoot whether we know/ believe it or not. They show up unexpectedly and in various disguises. I’m onto them now because I feel a spark in their presence.

While our world is not such a great place now, it is all we got. It’s up to us to make it better. I cannot control what others do, but I have control of what I do. It’s not for me to judge. It’s for me to do better. What can I do better today? Here’s a video that might be useful.

I will start small and try to add on. I hope my angels are watching and lend me a helping hand.

  • Find ways to curb ruminating on the past
  • Move more, resume my qigong practice
  • throw out 3 useless things

Heart Month

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February is heart month. I am letting that guide me through my days. Though Iife feels bland and senseless to me in these moments, I need not announce it or rain on someone else’s parade. This is the space to unload and work through those dark and messy things. What are feelings anyways? Are they real? What if I don’t have those feelings? How will I be? These are the questions that pop up from remembering The Work of Byron Katie.

I can be good at setting goals and intentions but not so great at carrying them out. It’s like people making New Year’s resolutions and dropping them by February. It’s difficult to follow through, day after day. It’s easy to lose heart. It is easy to fall into “I don’t care.” It is easy to throw up my hands and give up. I’ve done that numerous times. I’ve gotten back on track again many times. The thing I don’t do is make progress. I don’t pick up where I had left off. I always go back and start again at the beginning. It’s easier doing something you’ve done before.

How am I going to get out of that rut? How do I walk a different path so that I don’t fall back into the same hole? I’ve writtin many times about the same problem. I am writing about it again. How can I sing another song? I have the rest of February to wrestle with it. I am going to follow through.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson

Staying Positive

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It’s February 1, 2026. A new month, a new day and another beginning. It’s cloudy and only -10℃. I think we had freezing rain overnight again. It’ll be slippery as hell out. Can you tell I am not in the best of spirits? I think I have a low grade depression. I think my iMac is, too. It’s stuttering, annoying the heck out of me. I am treading carefully, not wanting to slide off the low grade into the deep zone.

I was never one of those who woke up on the right side of the bed and bounced whistling into the shower. I curled and nestled deeper into the covers and didn’t rise till after 7 this morning. But there were times in the past when I looked forward to the morning going to bed the night before. I have it in me to be exuberant and joyful. I’m going through a bit of a snag right now. I find it hard to move. I have no desire to move. I’m not struggling but just sinking in my quagmire. I wonder who else is it with me.

I do still have a tiny glimmer within me, that streak of MacGyver. I think I can get out of this. I have to think like him. I have the tools.I have read and listen to all those self-help books on everything. I could probably do a workshop if I have a mind to. And that is the thing – I do have a mind to stay positive. That will be my goal for this February, to find ways to reboot/recharge myself.

I have soup bones souping in the Instant Pot. I must run and throw in a few more things to stir the pot. I hope to come back here again tomorrow.

The Next Thing to Do

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A cloudy misty January 28th. Only -18℃. Almost tropical weather for us northern snowbirds. My head feels a bit like pillow stuffings. I had one of those sleepless nights, not terribly restless but not restful either. I probably slept too much the other night. Didn’t go to the gym yesterday either. Then there’s all that thinking and ruminating. I was never any good at solving human problems. I was never any good at communications. I was never good at being open and clear. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I end up hurting my own. I think I am what you would call a self-suffering fool.

You know what they say about fools. They keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I’m guilty of that. I’ve been trying to unbecome myself for a long time with no luck. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself a couple of times. I’m still the same self-suffering fool. Knowledge without real work does not create long lasting change. So I continue to experience these episodes of suffering and sleepless nights. I guess it’s not a bad thing. It wakes me up. I need to change my ways. I need to stop doing the same old, same old. I have to shake things up a little. Discomfort for everyone can be illuminating.

Daily Ranting

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It’s a balmy sunny -21℃ January 27th. I should be full of vim and vinegar but I am not. Our flip flopping weather and the world at large have taken a toll on me. I slept in till almost 9 am. Now, I’m sitting, heavy and sodden with a sourdough pancakes and ham breakfast. I’m wondering what I shall I write for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having seen Downfall, a movie about Hitler’s last days a couple of evenings ago, I can’t help but see the similiarity of what is happening today in the U.S. Then and now, so many people are so admiring and loyal to Hitler and Trump even when their evil is so obvious. And I can’t help but think of the Vietnam war, having watched Platoon last night.

Clearly, I am thinking too much. But is it bad or wrong? Should I not be thinking and questioning? My thinking still led me further to remembering Jonestown. And I wondered if we’ve been gassed, sprayed with agent orange and drank the kool aide. I know I am thinking and talking crazy. It’s not my fault. The world is crazy. And crazy things have happened. I’m thinking and working out how best to live without going crazy. I really meant to write about how daily practices help maintain and improve mental health. I’ve wandered far off the path and ranted instead. Maybe tomorrow I can steer myself back in.

What Still Matters

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The cold temperatures are still with us. It’s -31℃. The sun is a weak yellow halo in a pale grey blue sky. I don’t really mind. I feel more alert, focused and at ease. The early mornings are still dark. It is restful to sit with just my cup of tea, not thinking and scrolling. After I’ve finished, I realize that what I felt was pleasure. It made me smile. It gave me joy and I made a second cup of tea.

I’m sitting not so pretty this morning. My hair is yet not combed but I am dressed and tapping rhythmically on the trusty keyboard. I’m not sitting so pretty but I am sitting content and at peace. That is what still matters at this stage in my life. Life hasn’t been exactly a bowl of cherries, especially the last couple of years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. When I think of it now, it’s been rather exciting and jarring. So I think excitement still matters, no matter what age we’re at. I need jarring out of my complacency.

Life is strange. I didn’t really think that I would be here talking like this. But here I am. So how am I talking anyways? A bunch of nonsense probably. But it’s good to flex my fingers and make them move on the keyboard. The exercise is waking up my senses, increasing my serotonin and making those dendrites snap more effeciently. I hope they are also working on and improving my ear hair cells. Hope and strange happenings still matter. Surprises still matter. Everything still matters.

Why I Bother

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January 22, 2026. A sunny bitterly cold morning. Just what I like. I’m wearing a black silk/nylon/mohair sweater with sequins from years ago. I’m sipping my second cup of tea and hoping to tap out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Just a little over a week left in January. I’m not as enthused this round with my words. I’m not showing up every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Why I bother is because it is the best/better mode of releasing stress for me. I can lash out with my words without causing self harm and hurt to others. It is only true when I confine my words to this space. I can poke a bear awake with my keyboard just as well as with my sharp tongue. I felt the result of that yesterday. I ran into a very old colleague whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I greeted her. She let me know in no uncertain words and facial expression that I am not loved.”There’s no need to say hello when you had been so rude to me on Facebook.” She retorted.

I was and was not surprised. That had been over a year ago in October of 2024. It was soon after my mother’s funeral. I was somewhat crazy and she irritated me greatly with her comments on our lunch group page. I was instrumental in adding and including her to the group after she expressed being left out. She did not once showed up but always responded with some irritating comment. After many months, I removed her. What followed was very strange and ugly. I regretted all my actions. How silly to lose my much needed energy this way.

So it is another cold morning. January 23rd. -37℃. No sun yet. The cold is good enough reason to take a break from the gym. I have soup souping in the Instant Pot. I am hoping to tap a good ending to this post. The flip flopping of temperatures is hard on the body. I am adjusting and readjusting to that and life as well. I tend to have the archetype of a rescuer. What I haven’t learned is that not everyone wants to be rescued. I haven’t realized that I am not that powerful. I am not God though I have been told. Hence, energy drains out of me.

Today, I am doing self care. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I don’t have to save everyone or anyone. It is good to let go and let it be. Peace.

Same Time Last Year

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Sunny Sunday at last! It’s a reason to cheer. I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I have my blue sweater, earrings and eyebrows on. I’m not moving any faster but breakfast and dishes are done. The kitchen floor swept. I have plans of picking up my knitting needles and starting another logcabin quilt. My sister said she would love one. It’s easier when you are making it for someone. Having projects is good for the heart and soul. And it is good to follow through and finish. So I shall work on following through to finish this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I am feeling grateful on this Sunday remembering how far I’ve come from the same time last year. This time last year was the 3rd month after my mother had passed. I had tubes in my ears. I was still without much hearing but had alot of choral music and singing in my head. It drove me a bit batty. I felt cognitively impaired and exhausted. The good thing was I was able to sleep. It was in January that I started a daily journal, charting how I was hearing and the noise in my head. I stopped sometimes in June because I was too focused on my maladies. It wasn’t good for my mental or physical health.

This time last year I was stressed and distressed. I was surprisingly not depressed. I knew I had to be careful and not sink into those blues. I had to keep my spirits up to heal. I read Caroline Myss’s and Herbert Benson’s books on healing. I meditated on the word joy. I painted it. I walked to the mall, the Dollar Store, the Asian Market. I walked somewhere every day. Today I am surprised by how much I did this time last year.

I am rejoicing at this recollection of my warrior self. I still have it in me to ‘joy’ on. February is on the horizon. My 2026 100dayproject will be doing another 100 logcabin quilt squares. I better sharpen my rotary cutter, clean and oil my Bernina 790 sewing machine.

Moving Forward

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I do believe that cleanliness is next to holiness. Having finally pushed myself out of my quagmire, the upstairs floors are vacuumed. The kitchen and bathroom floors washed. I feel ever so much better. It’s pretty bad when I keep skirting around a dead bug belly up and legs curled on the floor for many a day. I wonder why it is hard to perform some jobs sometimes. I will never know the answer. It’s part of being human so it is best that I just move onward and forward.

One part of the top floor I haven’t tended to is the sunroom, my so called sancturary. I should really give it more respect. The floor is not vacuumed or washed. It is sticky where I had spilled my morning tea. I hadn’t bothered to wipe it, thinking it small. I think I was wrong. At least I’ve washed my little lap quilt before the tea stains take hold. Life is hard and I am not the Wonder Woman I want to be. I’m chugging along as best as I can. My golden lasso is a bit tarnished.

The days are slowly getting longer though the mornings are still ever so dark. The sun did not rise till 9:16 am. It’s no wonder I couldn’t get out of bed till close to 8. It is out in full golden glory at this moment. It lights me up. I put the sadness and heaviness back on the shelf. There’s no place for them now.

Learning in Stuck

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How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.

Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.

_______________________________________________________

I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.

No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.