THE LONELIEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR

It is New Year’s Eve. It’s the first Christmas and New Year without Sheba. My eyes mist and my throat tightens. It is the way of nature. There’s birth, life and then death. A cycle complete but not an ending. I like to think that Sheba came to me in the guise of a fox the other evening while skiing in the park. I went or fell down two little hills. A little fox came and stayed with me till I was on my feet again. I thought it was a cat at first. I called ‘here kitty’. It came within a certain distance, crouched down and watched me all the while. I felt we were part of each other, breathing in and out. A miracle of connecting. Perhaps it was Sheba coming to check on me. I remember her favourite cuddly was her little fox with a squeaker in the head and tail.

Happy New Year has come and gone. Not as much fuss as other years but it was still marked with an explosion of fireworks at midnight. I did not feel I missed much. Most of my new year’s eves have been pretty quiet affairs. Sometimes it can be the loneliest night of the year for many people. I know that I’ve often felt a misfit and a failure on many of these evenings. One year my then husband and I attended a New Year’s Eve party at his boss’s house. There was a pot of chili on the stove, people here and there. We all wore party hats and had whistles streamers. At midnight we dutifully blew our whistles but none of us seemed at all pumped. It was the saddest party of all times. It still left an impression on me after all these years.

I’m well past my prime and finally I’m okay being left out of the hoopla. What I mean is I’ve never been a party girl but never been brave enough to admit it. It’s a natural thing to want to fit in, be part of the crowd. I wonder if we are all like that – putting up a front. So for the first time, I don’t have to make up a cover story for New Year’s Eve. I did nothing. So there is a silver lining to every cloud, even Covid-19. I probably wouldn’t have taken up skiing either if it didn’t happened. I would have missed out on our moonlight skis. I would have missed the fox/Sheba encounter. I wouldn’t have had this pause to think, to question the many aspects of life, of relationships, of my past thinking /behaviour, of where to next and how to get there.

DAY 8 UBC – I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Not every morning, day and anything are equal. I wouldn’t want it to be, would you? Where would the challenge be then? It would be like Bill Murray waking up to the same day, every day in Groundhog Day. A person could go bonkers! Change is good for us. Having said that, it doesn’t stop me wishing for the comfort of the endless sun shiny days. It’s our human default mode. We hate change. We hate discomfort and inconvenience. We hate interruption of a good thing.

You might have guessed it. Today is a cloudy and windy morning. We’ve had a light shower. It’s not conducive for productivity or joy. I should amend that. It can and does lead to creativity. Clouds sometimes give us pause make us reach deeper into ourselves. They can be an impetus for writing poetry, making music and other pursuits. I think we call them silver linings. Without clouds where would we get the rain for our rose gardens?

It’s getting towards the end of the day. I’m feeling a bit challenged on finishing this post. The day did not stay cloudy. The afternoon was lovely, warm and filled with sunshine. My persons came for afternoon tea and snacks. I was excused from my duty of ladder holding and fetching bandaids. It was a lovely visit. I am not high maintenance. I need only a person or two, good conversation and caring. I don’t need travel or shopping. I am a happy homebody.

PICKING IT UP – Day 80 in a year of….

Day 80, October 11, 2016 @9:51 am

I abandoned ship yesterday.  It was a tough day physically.  When you are tired and achy, everything is tough and of a different colour.  I gave myself a break. It was an appropriate day being World Mental Health Day.  We have to take care of our mental as well as physical health.  Rest is good for body and soul. Rest for me is stepping a little away from introspection. That was my doing different yesterday.

img_8008I’m here, now – with my hot chocolate and two marshmallows on top.  I’m picking up where I left off.  I’m trying for a sweet and warm start.  My desk is not any more organized or tidy but I’m not letting that stop me.  Getting organized does not work for me. It’s a myth and a procrastination tactic and trap.

ebop1684My doing different today is not to fall back to my old ways, old feelings, old habits, old attitudes.  Yes, I’m grumpy and unpleasant inside.  I recognize that.  My feelings are real but it is not anybody’s fault. My different is acceptance and finding ways to re-frame what/how I see and feel. Recognition gives me that pause to reset that button in my brain before I act.

THE VOICES IN MY HEAD – Day 47

Day 47, September 7, 2016 @6:49

image-1Voices in the head are quite intrusive.  Mine are.  They tell me this is hard, that is difficult. They tell me after that I should have, could have.  They make me feel lazy, tired and worse of all – guilty.  They rob me of energy, time and well-being.  Autumn is a vulnerable season for me with its shortened daylight and especially on cloudy days.  I pay special care.  Iquestion those voices in my head.  I ask:  Is that true?

The question gives me time for a pause and do a turn around.  I tell those voices to be quiet.  I tell myself I can do better.  I can do that thing that they tell me is hard.  I start. I move towards my goal.  Once I start, I’m surprised to find that it wasn’t so hard afterall. If an unpleasant mood rises, I ask myself why and is it true.  Can I feel another way?  It’s that second of asking.  It gives me time to change.  Sometimes it doesn’t work.  It’s not the end of the world.  I feel what I feel.  What isn’t done isn’t done.  If I feel guilty about it, I feel guilty.  I feel it until it goes away.

IMG_6562How was my day?  I felt tired.  I didn’t want to go out.  I didn’t want to do what needed to be done.  It gnawed at me. I went out anyways and did what I had to do.  It felt good.  While I was out, I ran into someone who made me realized how good living is and how much I have to be grateful for.  If I hadn’t gone out, I would have missed that opportunity.  I would have been sorry.  Instead, I’m inspired again.

How was your day?  Till tomorrow.

ASSESSMENT – Day 27 in a year of …

Day 27, August 18, 2016 @2:21

If I was left to my inclinations, I could sleep my days away. Me, the nurse who prided herself on how little sleep she could function on. That was eons, another life time ago. Now, I know better.

In these days of August I find rhythm and purpose to the days despite my sleepiness. The quality of sunlight is changing and the day is shorter. I’m more conscious of my increasing appetite and drowsiness. I fight to keep my eyes open.

It’s good to have projects and challenges. It’s good to share and have support from social media friends from around the globe. There’s camaraderie in Susanna’s Conway’s August Break as we share what the daily prompt means to us in photo’s and words. Where would I be in my 100 Day Project and My year of change without my friends on IG, FB and WordPress? Social media in itself is not bad. It is how WE, human beings use it. In itself, it is inert.

imageA pause is good to stop our frantic doings and to assess the situation – how we are doing, do we need to change directions, do we need to make any changes,are we making progress, etc. Sometimes a pause is forced upon us as in an illness. Sometimes it’s a deliberate act. I’ve had both and prefer the latter.

My pause led me to My Year of doing different Project. It is really a way of life. My different is being awake at the wheel. A stitch in time does save nine. It is better to be late than never. Do you agree?

Till tomorrow then.