“on with the show. This is it.”

LIKE A DREAM LOST

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.

ON WITH THE SHOW. THIS IS IT

It’s the morning after the writing workshop with Alice Kuipers.

Yesterday after returning, I was pumped.  I made  plans for a feasible writing practice. I had set goals for next week, next month, the next 6 months and for the next year. I was going to write at least 500 words/day, gradually increasing it to 1000 words/day.   I would make a start on my memoir.  I’ve been wishing about doing it forever with nothing to show except TALK.

IMG_1178I am here, in front of my keyboard.  The pump is dry and my drive is already gone.  I am tired, feeling my usual morning ho, ho hum.  I feel no burning desire.  How quickly it disappears!  Where are the words?  Where the heck did they go?  I could easily give up but I won’t.  I’m learning the rah, rah of hype carries you not far.  Results are really about the hard work of drudgery.  It’s one slow word after another on an empty page.

How am I going to write the 500 words today, never mind now the 1000 words/day next week?  That is the intent of this blog, to write 1000 words a day.  Hence the name onethousandandtwo, onethousand and onethousandandone having already been taken. So far, I’ve been a miserable failure, falling quite short of even 500 words most days for 2 years.

I am trying now.   I gave up too easily in the past, being satisfied with accomplishing a post a day.  It was not a small accomplishment.  But it was not what I had set out to do.  I gave up too easily and too soon.  I did not PUSH myself to write more words daily.  I tried to justify that by writing every day and with content.  Of course that mattered but when I didn’t push, I did not move ahead.  I always worked hard, but seldom pushed beyond the comfort zone.

I am happy with the content in my writing.  The goal of doing an archeological dig of my life is a running theme in my writing.  I know myself better now.  I am peeling back the layers I have developed over the years.  I am a daughter, a nurse, a caretaker, a pleaser…..I have lost count of the roles/layers.  I have been unconscious that I have a self.  It’s like putting on a different uniform every day to deal with the life I think I SHOULD live.  After awhile, there are too many uniforms/layers/skins to remove.

I lost myself for awhile a long time.  I was buried beneath the piles of costumes and masks I wore.  I had never considered myself an actress.  Now I see that I had been a very good one.  The world is a stage. Life is a show that must go on.  Every morning I woke up, got up and put on my uniform and performed.  Remember the Bugs Bunny theme?  Yes, I knew my parts and lines by heart. No rehearsing necessary.  “On with the show.  This is it.”

IMG_5786I still have my piles of nursing uniforms. It’s time to let go of them and put on my writing habit.  It’s time to do what I LOVE. I shall set out an inkwell and quill for inspiration.  I will sing and hum and let my fingers ripple across the keyboard. The world is a stage for the life I WANT to create. The page is for the stories I have to tell.  It is all up to me.

 

Antique pen and inkwell
Image from Google.ca

On with the show.  This is it.  Gather around.  I have stories to tell.